#prayfortheErwins (BLOG)

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It’s the beginning of a hard week. It’s the end of the second year. As Jay and I talked to our sweet psychologist Thursday, he told us as he has counseled grieving parents, you can’t put a cap on years, whether it’s one, two, three. He sometimes says four or more, especially in our public situation.

We flew Trey to St. Jude on Saturday, June 30. On Monday, June 30, Collin leaves for church camp. I’m glad he will be surrounded by his Christian friends so his mind will be occupied. As much as he tries to tell everyone he is just fine, I still believe next week will be on his mind. He is human, after all.

Speaking of being human, being human has taken over my complete being. I’ve been able to share with a dear friend whom I trust, and I know there is light at the end of this very, very dark tunnel. I just pray there isn’t a train in this tunnel somewhere. He said something very wise. He asked me, you have been so busy taking care of everyone else, making sure Collin is okay, Julianne, Jay, have you even truly grieved yourself? I had to say no.

God never promised us an easy road. He only promised that He would be with us in the valleys. I know that He is with me during this time, but sometimes, as some of my dear friends might be willing to admit, the nearness is hard to feel when you are all consumed with loneliness and sadness. I am so incredibly blessed to have my boss by my side. He also lost his son. We were talking yesterday about the differences between our grieving. He said how he tells so many people how strong I am and he hears from others how incredible I am, but he looked at me and said, “Lisa, you are not that strong.” Boy, he knows me. You just can’t lose a child and be okay. I truly believe only parents that have lost a child know what I am feeling.

We have received so many prayers over the last two years. I almost feel guilty asking for more prayers. But isn’t that we are supposed to do for each other as Christians? Lift each other up, encourage each other, hold each other accountable… I remember talking in my book about having “hang in there” friends when Trey was sick. That still applies when you are grieving. Some people can’t be around people that are grieving, and that’s fine. It takes a special friend to listen to you cry. I’ve done a lot of crying alone, but sometimes, crying alone does not do any good. People need to hear you so that you can WILL yourself to feel better.

It’s all so complex and I don’t claim to understand all that I am walking through. I finally had to cry out to Collin this week to explain to him that I missed Trey because I grew him in my belly just like I grew him in my belly and I want him back and I miss him terribly. I’m so thankful Collin listened to me as I was able to express my feelings for the first time…and it’s almost been two years. Jay is the most patient father and husband, but he grieves too, just in a different way.

I know what the word of God says. I know that Trey is in a better place. I know that Trey would not want to come back here. I know, I know, I know…but that does not stop our suffering on earth because this is not our home. I’ve never been in a valley like this and I pray you will intercede for me and ask God to lift me high above the mountains.

Jay and I will be with Trey’s friends on the 5th. They miss him as much as I do. But we will laugh and remember the days that brought us so much joy with my goofball son. And maybe release some purple balloons from the roof of the Peabody. After all, Trey was all about having friends together. I think that’s why he went to Jesus so peacefully because he was surrounded by so many that loved him and he had been at peace for so long.

My prayer is that those that have read my book know that our faith runs deep and we know that God is with us. You don’t walk through what we did and not come out the other side without Jesus holding your hand. I hope, if you have not purchased it yet, you will do so to see how God used Trey in an incredible way. We still marvel at how God brought so many things together. I still can’t eat oatmeal without thinking about him. He was “A Mighty Dragon.”

So for now, “When you don’t know what to say, just say Jesus.”

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About livingthelifeofchrist

I am a mother of two boys and the wife to a wonderful husband, Jay. Jay and I lost our oldest son (15), Trey, to pancreatic cancer on July 5, 2012. Our other son, Collin is now 14 years old. I have worked in the legal field for almost 25 years. Most importantly, I love the Lord with all my heart and soul. Without Him, my life would be nothing and my family continues to give him all the glory for our blessings. We have said over and over, how can people live through what we have experienced without God in their lives? I have promised that I will never stop telling the story of Trey's unwavering faith and bravery during his illness and God's great love and mercy he showed. As Trey said, "All glory goes to Him and none, none to me". He will forever be a Collierville High School Football Dragon #13 - A mighty Dragon!

7 responses »

  1. I am sending prayers for you and your family. I just finished your book and want to know I thought you did a wonderful job .

  2. Lisa as I was reading ur blog, I stopped to think about me as a mother of 2 amazing, precious kids & cannot even begin to comprehend the pain, hurt, anguish, frustration & feelings that u as a mother have gone thru of losing a child !! My heart aches for u & I just prayed for The Lord to give u peace , comfort ur hurting heart & give u understanding !! I know the bible speaks of The Lord will not out more on us than we can handle and I know u have reached ur max of experiencing loss & heartache . U r so strong as I have watched ur videos & read ur blogs & I am purchasing ur book & I know God is going to keep giving u strength even on ur lowest days because u r such an inspiration to so many peoples lives u have touched & impacted & the life of ur beautiful son too ! We do not know why things in life happen like they do but rest assure , one day we will be able to sit down with our Heavenly Father & Savior and get the answers to these questions . There is a song my dad’s gospel group use to do and I have reflected back to the lyrics of these 2 songs on more occasions while I have gone thru my own many trials & tribulations struggling with drug addiction , depression & my own vices in my life but one song is “There’s A Light At The End Of The Darkness” and in this song it says I was lookin up thru the darkness when it finally shined on me !! & true to these words when I was as low as I could get in my life , I was truly looking up thru the bottom and The Lord is the ONLY one that brought me thru such hardships in my life !! he is SO AMAZING & His mercy, grace & love NEVER CEASES TO AMAZE ME!!! The other song is “Lord What A Mountain” & in this song it says You’ll Move this mountain or give me strength to climb !! And on numerous occasions , our AWESOME FATHER HAS DONE JUST THAT , HE HAS MOVED THAT MOUNTAIN OR EITHER GAVE ME THE STRENGTH TO CLIMB IT!! HE NEVER CEASES TO AMAZE ME WITH HIS LOVE FOR US!!! U r in my deepest thoughts & prayers girl & as u approach this very sad time and the struggles u go thru daily from ur heartaches , u r heavy in my heart and I will be thinking of u!!! I love u Lisa & I’m here if u ever need anything or just need to talk or someone to listen or just need a shoulder to lean on … I’m here !!! All u have to do is call , U HAVE A FRIEND ! 901/649/1372— God Bless U !! Sisters In Christ, Audrey Holland King ❌⭕️❌⭕️🙏❤️

  3. Hi Lisa. I’ve read your book and I really enjoyed it. I noticed that most if not all of it seemed to be word for word you blog on CarringBridge. Was this your intention? When do you think A Mighty Dragon will be available on kindle?

    • My book was yes, comprised of my carebridge. But it was not word for word. My carebridge did not have Trey’s tweets, our text conversations, anything about Collin (we protected him), our Hawaii vacation, I could go on and on. It just so happens MY journaling was public so people were able to read it before it was written. I have to get the cover fixed for the Kindle for it to be ready.

      • Yes, that’s right. The carringbridge did not have his tweets, texts, ect. Thank you for writing the book. It was wonderful read. Great job.

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