I blogged about respect in my last blog. This last Sunday my family and friends walked in memory of Trey in the Herb Kosten Kick it 5k for Pancreatic Cancer. People did that out of respect for Trey. That is how you treat people when you love them – you respect their memory by honoring them. Collin honored his brother by walking in the freezing cold even though he wanted to be in bed. We all did, for a good Sunday afternoon nap. But this was important. It was important for the cause.
Many things were important between Trey and Collin. The nights that Collin would sleep in Trey’s room during the weeks that he had chemo. The days that they watched movie after movie. The endless video games they played. The days Trey said I want Collin at the hospital and we checked Collin out of school without a thought. Collin is grieving in his own way and we are handling that. Someone asked me if I was writing a book when we were at the walk on Sunday. I said yes. They said all I had to do was put the caringbridge together. I said no, there is a lot that I did not post because I knew that Trey was reading the caringbridge and there would always be the chance that Collin would hear it from someone. I remember writing things and about 15 minutes later Trey would yell, MOM! Why did you have to write THAT! And we would laugh. Telling people we were dealing with him pooping in his bed in his sleep was not exactly what a 15-year-old wants put out there. But it’s a part of cancer.
My point is, with Collin, and more importantly, there is so much that goes on in our home that you cannot fathom. Then and now. If I show favoritism in my blogs or posts, it is never intentional. It’s natural to grieve a loss, especially a child. During this time, you have no idea how many nights Collin has slept with me and we have watched TV WAY into the night. I have gotten up the next morning exhausted, but I knew that we needed to be next to each other. (Right now, we are watching the Three Stooges!)
There were so many brother in the Bible that were SO different; Cain and Abel, Jacob and Esau, Joseph and his many brothers, then there was Jesus who treated his disciples like brothers. This is referenced in Matthew and in Mark when Jesus says in Matt 12:50: “Anyone who does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother!” I think Jesus covers us all with that scripture.
We are all brothers and sisters. I would hate to think we are all the same. I have three sisters and we are all three different as night and day, but we cannot live a day without each other. In summary, Collin is Collin and Trey was Trey. Collin is very special in his own right and we know Trey was also. We made the choice to protect Collin through this whole process. Maybe that was our mistake. But that is just it, it is OUR mistake to handle. God has a great plan for Collin, just as he did for Trey. He is opening doors that we did not know were possible. We covet your prayers for Collin, for his remaining time in 7th grade as he struggles, for his summer, and for his upcoming visits to St. Jude.
It’s like they say, Sunday’s a comin! But before Sunday, there is Friday. The day that Jesus was nailed to the cross. It is so natural for me to look at Jesus as a son. He IS the son of GOD. For me, it hurts my heart for God. He created us in His own image. He knows what we feel, how we feel, and gave us the ability to feel, love, and hurt. But he gave us the ability to rejoice! For on the third day Christ rose, just as He said He would.
Last Easter, Trey was finishing a chemo treatment. He was trying so hard to feel good for Easter. He wanted to come to church and that was his goal. When he put his mind to things, there was usually no stopping him. Trey made it to church Easter morning for the first time since he started chemo. He got tired very fast. This Easter my family has chosen to do something different. We will not be attending the Friday night service. I was first going to sing in the choir, then I was just going to sit in the congregation, then I decided it would just be too emotional. Sunday morning, since I do not have to teach, I’m not sure what Jay and I will do. I think we might visit another church. We just might rest. Ahh, rest. In any event, we are very faithful and God knows our heart.
My prayer is that you will know the meaning of Easter…salvation…death on the cross for our sins…for me and for you…something we didn’t deserve yet received…God’s grace…Jesus as our Savior. Without that, there is no peace as Trey tweeted one year ago:
Eccl. 3:11 “Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.”