Happy 27th birthday to my sweet Trey in heaven. When Trey was born, Jay and I were living in a house we had built in Bartlett, had the picket fence, and the chocolate lab, Allie. We were your All-American family – both with booming careers and a newly found church family. It was everything I had dreamed of as a young girl.

As the years went by, tragedy continued to plague our family. We did not buckle under the pressure. If anything, we grew as a couple because we always talked about what we were feeling. Well, maybe I made him talk or listen! He has always listened.

After Trey’s death, finding people who would talk or listen came few and far between. I didn’t understand and I still do not understand, but I am trying. I’m trying to understand why people who were an important part of our family chose to walk away. It has taken me years of tears, prayer, strength, and research to understand this phenomenon.

Recently, I had a conversation with a friend about their part in our journey and I just wanted to know why we were abandoned after his death. I pushed through this hard conversation because after 10 years, I needed to put it behind me. The trauma of Trey’s death has been something our family has had to bear and I just didn’t understand why others were not able to help carry our load. Isn’t that what we are called to do? If someone told you tomorrow that they had a terminal illness-the fight or flight instinct would kick in. What has been baffling is those that fought with us, then took flight. UNTIL I said, no more. Without going into detail to protect our friendship-let me just say it was the healing that was needed…because I spoke up. I knew Trey would not want our relationship to be strained.

It’s hard to think about Trey’s birth without thinking about his death. I have shied away from writing because of fear. Fear that I would offend someone or something might not be biblically right on point, so I stopped writing. I had someone in an online support group remind me that my words might be something someone needs to read or hear. Honestly, I let others dictate how I was feeling. Then I realized, they had not lost their son, I have! So, I’m back!!!!

It wasn’t until I talked to one of Trey’s friends that I realized I was experiencing delayed trauma. Delayed trauma can include persistent fatigue, sleep disorders, anxiety, depression, and avoidance of emotions, sensations, or activities that are associated with the trauma, even remotely. The more I’ve read (after a major panic attack before my second ankle surgery), I have realized that holding in these emotions are not healthy, especially for migraine sufferers! I read this definition of trauma as described by the Allina Health Organization:

“Psychological trauma is a person’s emotional response to a scary, shocking or horrific event or series of events. Traumatic events are unpredictable and can cause overwhelming amounts of stress beyond your capacity to cope. Experiencing trauma can often shake your assumptions about life, your sense of control, feeling safe and trust in others. Losing those fundamental feelings of safety and trust can lead to anxiety and fear. You may even feel like the world is unsafe and unpredictable or question your faith. The overwhelming stress can lead to long-term psychological trauma, and in more severe cases, post-traumatic stress disorder. Any form of psychological trauma can interfere with your ability to maintain relationships, perform day-to-day activities and enjoy your life.”

Wow. Even after eleven years I am still experiencing so many things associated with delayed trauma. What I have realized is that there are hundreds, THOUSANDS of women who have lost their child(ren) that feel the same way! Sometimes we let these fears control our spiritual growth. I have clung to fear, been absolutely stuck in deep muck and mire. Trust me, just because someone is not flowing tears does not mean they are or are not strong. Some of the strongest women emit tears. [EDIT] After I published this post, I went back and read this statement about tears and it didn’t make sense. So to clarify, you might see me crying at some point, during church, with a friend, in a picture…that does not mean I am not strong. And it definitely does not mean it is about TREY! Tears are just my outlet for my emotions. Sometimes my sadness comes out in my attitude. Just ask my husband.

So today, I have cried a little.

I have laughed and smiled a little.

I have hurt a lot.

Most of all, I have realized in this big, messed up world, there are mothers (and fathers) that feel the same way I do. AND there are some that do not have these feelings, and that’s okay! I’ve always said it’s okay to not be okay. I think I’ve been so busy telling others that I did not realize I am not always okay myself.

As simple as this word is from the Lord, it packs a powerful punch – Phil. 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”

Today, Lord, I need your strength. And tomorrow, I will need it more.

Again, happy 27th birthday to my first born. My sunshine. Sorry, buddy, it’s passed my bedtime and I didn’t get a chance to proof this – but I wanted it out on your birthday.