Hey Buddy,

You are ever on my mind this week.

Six years ago was beach week.  Did I miss something that could have made you feel better? You had trouble breathing and I couldn’t help.  Your pain had increased tremendously, but I never would have thought your cancer would have spread so quickly.

All the “if I could have’s” and “what it’s” in grief make things so much worse.  Then someone will say to me, “But at least he is not in pain any longer.” Oh buddy, you now me better than anyone and if I didn’t have a whole lot of Jesus, I’d slap the fool out of them.

Three generations. Your Papaw, your Uncle Barry and dad, you and your brother. Cancer doesn’t play fair.

We got a perforated letter in the mail from St. Jude this week.  You know what that means; an appointment for Collin.  I just put it on the refrigerator, told him, and didn’t say anything else about it.  But he misses you.  He is defending your name now.  Collin has come so far.

I know people might be tired of seeing your videos I post, but if they are like me, I can’t hear your voice any longer.  Even though your clothes are still in your drawers, the smell of your skin is gone.  Sometimes, I have to stop and remind myself that you DID exist and you aren’t just a person in a bunch of pictures in my house.

Your dad is fighting hard. He sees the doctor in July to talk about his last round of cancer now that his neck has healed. You know nothing is going to keep him down.  But he’s getting tired.

You’d be so proud of your cousin Becky working at St. Jude in research.  I know there is not a day that goes by that she does not think of you.  And she loves the Kid’s Kafe!  Bobby is a nurse too.  Both of them making sure that people are taken care of for the future.

The future…what does that mean?

I think about research.  I think about our family.  I think how cancer has shortened the lives in our family.  Sometimes, I still get angry that you were only 15.  I know, I know.  I hear you.  It’s okay Mom.  But Trey, I’m a mom and I can be angry sometimes.  I’m not angry at God.  I just get angry at the situation.  What are people doing about it?  Are they working for a cure?

We talked about urgency in bible study and I shared your story.  We had no idea you’d be gone in four months.  That’s how we need to be about sharing about Christ.  Because we do not know how long our neighbor, friends, co-workers are going to be here.  It’s urgent for them to know our Savior.  I’m so thankful you took your faith to an urgent level.

My desire to get to heaven is urgent.  That’s why I understand the ugliness of suicide.  Don’t worry Buddy.  I won’t do that to our family.  But I was at that point after you died and I DID call someone, Papa K.  I DO know that suicide does not determine your eternity.  So many people are hurting in this world.  I’m glad that I am able to talk about it with anyone who needs to talk about it.  It doesn’t make me a bad person.  Geez. You know that!  I could not make it out of bed each day with you gone without my Jesus!  My headaches have been so bad lately, I haven’t made it out of the bed.  You know your daddy is DA BOMB at taking care of me! And COLLIN TOO!

This scripture is stuck in my head that you had highlighted in your bible:

Ecc. 3:11-12 “He has made everything beautiful in its time.  He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.  I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live.”

I’ve taken off work next week and we’ll be together as a family.  Not sure if we’ll do anything.  I might go get some purple balloons for you. Or maroon for Coach Mike! You know he’s doing great!

So for me, buddy, the future is about two things, an urgency for research and Christ.  I hope we can get that message out and young and old will grasp it.

One thing I hope people do is donate to West Clinic in honor of our family. 

Three generations have fought cancer and have been treated by West Clinic.  I can’t think of any other way to honor you this coming week than this.  We need research dollars!  Even small dollars!

Remember the white napkin you posted on Instagram? You are SUCH a bad person! Oh but we laughed and laughed till all our stomachs hurt.  Memaw didn’t think it was funny.  And this was the week you pulled the orange pants story.  So many memories I’ll never forget.  But so much pain that floods my mind and the anger when you knew you had to leave the beach because the cancer had returned.

Know that so many of us are thinking of you this week and next.  It will be such a hard, hard week.  But I think you are preoccupied with Jim Daddy! Weren’t you go happy when you saw him! I told him before he left this earth to tell you how much I loved you.  I hope you got the message.

I love you Buddy, thiiisssss much!  I still have things to do here, but I know I’ll see you soon.  #dogoodwhileyoulive

Click here to donate:

http://fight.westcancercenter.org/goto/lisaerwin