UNFINISHED – CHS FOOTBALL

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The Collierville High School football team selects a “theme” for each year. I am assuming the coaches do it because every year it has been different…last year was UNDEFINED and this year was UNFINISHED. I never really paid much attention to the tagline until last night at the CHS football banquet. Here is why…

It is not lost on me that as the years pass, the football team will know less and less about who Trey really was and WHY there is a Trey Erwin Award. It’s like the NCAA Heisman Trophy (well, not quite). But who knows who the trophy is named after, why, and when. John William Heisman with the first award given in 1935. I’ve said many times, the hardest thing for a mother to think about is the fact that their child might be forgotten. Luckily, most of the coaches know Trey’s story and only one remains that was a coach at the time he played. I bet CHS students can guess. Coach Mike Bradley.

I sat with the only family I knew, Tim and Kelly Woodard. When it came time for the Erwin Award, Bradley Stubbs was announced. I didn’t know the young man, of course, but Kelly grabbed my shoulders and said, “Oh, he’s wonderful!” Bradley’s younger brother and Kelly’s youngest, Matthew are best friends. If you don’t know how I feel about the Woodard family, just ask me. Love runs deep. We go to church together and I’ve watched her kids grow up and Trey taught Drew in children’s church.

When the banquet was over, I made a beeline to Bradley to introduce myself. He looked at me like I had three heads until I told him I was Trey‘s mother. His eyes lit up, and his family gathered rather quickly. I gave him a copy of my book and told him that I hoped it would give him a little bit of insight as to who Trey was. Then came my shock. He said he already knew about Trey. I was quite puzzled until he said he was a Peep. I immediately understood what he was talking about. He told me that Tara Peeper was his teacher at Crosswinds and she talked about Trey all the time. I have to pat myself on the back for not falling apart thinking of Trey and Corbin (Peeper). I explained Trey and Corbin grew up together. They were so excited to be able to tell Tara and I said I would also text her. When I got in the parking lot and sent her a text, she said that Bradley had already FaceTimed her and she sent me the picture.

When I got home, I thought more about the football tagline UNFINISHED. God is not finished with Trey. God orchestrated this meeting by weaving many moments and people together. Remember, God is not finished with any of us. He will only be finished with us when we openly reject him. Even then, I believe in my heart that he is full of grace, mercy, and forgiveness for those that choose to return to follow him.

I told Bradley about the larger award with the plaques of every player who had received the award each year. He did not know that it existed and I told him his name would be added to the award. I’ve asked several people at CHS where the award is located. I sure would like an updated picture of the plaques of each special player that was chosen. I pray it’s not stuck in a closet somewhere in the large sports facility.

As you gather with family and friends this holiday season, remember to love each other intentionally, speak with kindness, and remember that God is not finished with you.

Once a Peep always a Peep. Once a Dragon always a Dragon. Thank you to the Collierville football team who continues to remember a simple boy who was not perfect, yet unashamed of loving Jesus.

“For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek.”
‭‭Romans‬ ‭1‬:‭16

Purpose in Suffering

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I remember vividly having the conversation with Collin about being mad at God. He said, “I prayed for God to heal Trey and he didn’t. I prayed for God to heal Papaw, and he didn’t.” I told Collin at that time that I totally understood. When my dad died of ALS, I was mad too. I was mad that I never had the chance to REALLY have a dad. Fast forward MANY years and God gave me Joe Duncan who I worked for almost 25 years, the dad I never dad.

I understand Collin’s question – why do people suffer and die when it says in the bible to ask him anything and he will do it. “I will pray to the Lord, and he will answer me from his holy mountain.” Ps. 3:4 And what about, “Truly, truly, I say to you, if you ask the Father for anything in My name, He will give it to you.” John 16:23.

My devotion hit me today, especially because I am in pain and suffering. The doctor’s office blames the insurance company and the insurance company blames the doctor’s office for not being able to schedule an important surgery that will take me out of pain that I have been experiencing for a year. Well, actually, I have had interstitial cystitis for 40 years and the doctors told me I would get to the point that nothing would work to help my pain. The temporary Interstim device DID!

Why can’t they get the permanent surgery scheduled? I have prayed and prayed. What is God trying to teach me? I really don’t know. My faith is NOT weak because I prayed the other day – God, you can move mountains, move this one. I KNOW he can. Yes, I know there are things we will never understand this side of heaven. That is one thing you DO NOT have to tell me. My family is a prime example of that knowledge.

Is God speaking to me? Yes, he is. I was sitting in the doctor’s office yesterday with Jay and I was fuming. I was READY to give it to the doctor, even though I know it’s not his fault. I was mouthing and Jay said, “Lisa, you need to just be nice.” NOT SO FAST, as Lee Corso says. I probably looked at Jay like he had three heads. Within SECONDS I received a text from my Sunday School teacher, Carolyn Mrok, and she simply said, “I’m praying you get your surgery scheduled.” I showed Jay and said, well, I guess the Holy Spirit is telling me to be nice. Do you know I can’t find that text now? And I literally said, it’s Carolyn, and read it to him. I do not delete texts.

I know people are praying for me. I know my office is tired of me hurting and not being able to move around. I’m tired of being in the bed all weekend and immediately when I get home. I’m tired of missing ballgames. I haven’t been to church in months!!! I’m missing my LIFE! But I can still say, God is good. Why? Because I have family that takes wonderful care of me. I am blessed, in these hard times.

My devotion said today, “Prayer slaps handcuffs on Satan. Prayer takes problems out of the domain of the Devil and into the presence of God.” Max Lucado (I love this book, by the way. God is With You Every Day)

What is the purpose in my suffering? Maybe it is the opportunity for others to serve and help care for me. Maybe it prompts someone else to pray and bring them closer to God. I told Jay and my friends last night that I was driving home yesterday clinching the steering wheel and seething. Then, God just told me to unclench my fists. Jay joked and said, I hope you didn’t let go of the steering wheel! I told him no, but I simply released my grip, opened my hands, and said, “God, it is yours. I’ll simply obey.”

Sometimes our suffering might be a reminder of obedience and prayer. A “DUH” moment.

HOW COOL!

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Them: “Don’t you know that song?”
Me: “No. Sorry, I only know a little country.”
Them: “Then what do you listen to! Gosh!”
Me: “Well, I listen to The Message on XM.”
Them: “What in the world is The Message?”
Me: “Christian music.”
Them: “Oh.”

Have you ever had this conversation? Sometimes, it can be uncomfortable. But other times, I really don’t care. I raised my kids on K-Love and I would like to think that is how the word of God got into their hearts…music.

Jay and I raised our kids reading them devotions at night, daily and nightly prayers, doing all the things Christian parents should do. All the while, never imagining how our lives would be 10 to 20 years down the road.

When Trey got his first phone (6th grade – remember the flip phones that you had to push the numbers 20 times to just make a word?) there was no such thing as texting. Boy, have we come a long way. Once texting hit the scene, I went from putting notes in their lunch (which I’m sure Collin won’t remember) to texting them to say I was praying for them, scripture, or just HAVE A GOOD DAY! Sometimes, I would get OK or THANKS. Sometimes, no response. Collin did not have a phone at the time, but many times when I sent Trey scripture, his response would be – “Wow Mom! That’s so cool!” My heart would swell knowing all the years of radio and prayers had made a difference.

I still send Collin scripture, devotions, and recently the YouTube video of Big Daddy Weave’s Redeemed. Oddly enough, I actually questioned myself afterwards – “Why did I do that!” because you never want to push your child away. But the words pierced my soul, not only for myself, but for him and my family:

Seems like all I could see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last
Then you look at this prisoner and say to me
“Son, stop fighting a fight, its already been won”
I am redeemed, You set me free
So I’ll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain
That I’m not who I used to be
I am redeemed, I’m redeemed
All my life I have been called unworthy
Named by the voice of my shame and regret
But when I hear you whisper “Child, lift up your head”
I remember, oh God, You’re not done with me yet!

I say all this to say, don’t stop feeding your children, spouse, friend, anyone who needs to hear the word of God. I have to tell myself, it’s not my responsibility to make sure they listen to it or read it – only that I feed it to them when God prompts me.

Don’t give up! You might go years without a “Thanks” but one day, you’ll get that “HOW COOL” and you’ll know everything you have fed them, the Holy Spirit used to penetrate their heart.

Cancer and the Bumble Bee

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I have always been afraid of bumble bees. Really, any kind of bee. Who wants to be stung by a bee! I’ve thought many times, God, why bees? It’s like a mosquito! What good are you except to bite me and make me itch. I have many sleepless nights where my mind wonders and after my trip to Philly, I began to think about the bumble bee. What are you good for, bumble bee? And why am I thinking about you.

I recently traveled to Philadelphia with Ashley McCrary (she lives in Auburn, Alabama now) for her 189th treatment at Thomas Jefferson Hospital for ocular melanoma. Ashley and I have a long history together, which is for another day. As we were sitting in her treatment room, Lee, the art therapist, came in. Ashley asked me what I wanted to color. I laughed because SHE is the artist, and I can barely draw stick figures with my essential tremors. I began, for some odd reason, to tell her of the story about my first day back to work after Trey died. I sat at my desk and drew a bumble bee on a 2 x 3-inch sticky note ALL DAY LONG. I was looking at a monthly calendar my sister gave me that had the cutest (if they can be cute) bumble bee hovering over daisies. As I was telling Ashley this story, she was scrolling on her phone and I thought, you aren’t even listening to me…until she showed me a picture on her phone and said, “Like this?” My heart sank and became full at the same time. “Yes! Just like that!” She told Lee, we are drawing the bumble bee and the flowers. Of course, she was coloring, getting treatment, talking to nurses, doctors, etc. all at the same time while I was in a corner concentrating on drawing grass! Our little bee portraits turned out unique and very special.

Before traveling to Philly, I had thought what a great time it was going to be to CARE for Ashley during her treatment. Afterall, I am a caregiver. I envisioned hailing taxis, lots of conversation while resting, some tears, covering her with a blanket as she slept, getting her medication, diet cokes and crackers for nausea, and being prepared for the aftermath of the treatment itself; maybe even snuggling afterwards to ward off any waves of nausea while watching sports (we love all things SEC). (I do have a picture of her sleeping for just 45 minutes.) Those that know Ashley well and have traveled with her are probably laughing knowing this is NOT at all how Ashley rolls.

Without going into full detail of our trip, those that have traveled with Ashley know you travel with HER. I have not expressed this to her yet, but I left feeling very defeated. I wanted to help care for her in any small way, and I do not feel like I did that. If anything, SHE poured into me (and we even got our toes done!). I distinctly remember her telling me the story of Dave’s new company (her husband). The scripture they cling to for his company is Eph. 3:20:

“Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us.”

In listening to events that have happened over the last 9 to 10 years since we last saw each other, this scripture is very appropriate. Ask in faith, rely on Him, and He will make it come to pass under His will. Later that evening at dinner, we were walking to the lobby of the restaurant, and the stories of the evening with friends were rolling around in my head. I abruptly stopped, turned to Ashley and grabbed her shoulders (and scared her to death) and said, “Trey died at 3:20!” We hugged and cried. I know, one has really nothing to do with the other. But for me, God was speaking to me so clearly. Why???

I remember Ashley saying at some point during the trip that she did not know why God had put us together on the trip. Why did God put it so heavy on me that I MUST go with her when we had not really conversed in almost 10 years. While she was having treatment, so many medical personnel came and went from her room. Each time, she would look at me and say, “Lisa, tell them about Jay.” When I would give a brief synopsis, they would nod understanding what I was telling them, even to the point of saying, “Oh, that’s the P-16 gene.” YES! Someone knows! Mutant Melanoma! And information began to flow in my direction, unbelievable knowledge.

I think back to the bumble bee. Do you know that they beat their wings over 200 times a SECOND – faster than the nerve impulses to their muscles can fire. AND THEY STILL CAN’T FLY! Their bodies are so heavy, they can’t get very far off the ground. Their little wing muscles must be 86 degrees (to 111 degrees) to get them into the air. That will get the bee to the closest “flower cafeteria” for them to pollenate. They help pollenate flowers, fruit, and vegetables which we eat every day! Oh, God, your creations are so intricate. The bumble bee is a hard worker, and they are the lesser aggressive bee than any other. Heard the saying – busier than a bee? This is because they symbolize focus, teamwork, fertility, generosity, and prosperity! This is your bumble bee lesson for the day.

Knowing all this information, God laid it on my heart how much Ashley is like the bumble bee. I’m not inferring that she is heavy and can’t get off the ground! 😊 She doesn’t need to because she touches everyone around her; family, friends, uber drivers, hotel workers, and anyone that sits next to her on an airplane. They will be blessed by her testimony and I cannot express what a blessing it was to see God at work through her in just three days.

Buzz on, my friend. God is using you to fertilize the word of God in so many lives. The drawings of our bees are so special to me. The one she colored is hanging in my office to remind me that in whatever circumstance – cancer, job loss, financial difficulty, remain diligent and work hard where God has planted you.

Have cancer? Be a bumble bee and spread God’s word. I love you, Ashley McCrary. Our story is still being written.

Repaying a Debt

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Have you ever had someone do something for you and you said, “I’ll never be able to repay you for what you’ve done!” I’ve said that so many times over the years, whether it has been people praying, food, gift cards, or just a simple text. But I had one this Christmas that I REALLY will never be able to repay.

I bet you have as many VHS, 8 MM, and VHS-C tapes as I do. When you put them all together, there are about 50! That’s not counting what Jay already transferred of ballgames that he taped of Barry, Terry, and both our boys. Those are on CD and STILL need to be transferred to a hard drive. For Christmas, I desperately wanted to get the remaining media transferred to a hard drive which contains most of Trey and Collin’s early childhood – first Disney trip, trips to the beach, birthdays, Barry’s last Christmas, and much more.

Many do not know that my brother-in-law, Bill Thorne, owned a recording studio at one time. It took a lot for him to part with a lot of his equipment, but he sure didn’t part with the knowledge. So I asked Bill if he could do the transferring for me. I ended up buying portable hard drives off Amazon and Bill transferred all the tapes to the drives for me to give as gifts. As special as it is to me and as hard as Bill worked on it (he’s a perfectionist, if you don’t know him), I understand that Jay, Collin, Terry, and Cecelia will have to be in the “right mood” to watch any of it. Even Donna would not go upstairs when Bill would yell, “Come here Donna, look at this and tell me what trip this was!” She said she couldn’t. Memories are hard, but I am so thankful for them. Watching the boys at Disney for the first time made me laugh out loud because all I could hear in the background was, “Mom, MOM, mom, MOM, mom…” My prayer is that these memories will help Collin remember the relationship (good part) he had with Trey.

On my way home from work this week, I thought about what I could do for Bill to repay him. I really thought there is nothing I can do. I racked my brain. Then it dawned on me and I felt kind of silly not realizing this from the beginning. Christ did the same thing for me. He died on a cross for my sins, which I totally STILL do not deserve, and in turn, I am receiving the best gift of my life – eternal life. This goes back to my Choices blog. I made this choice and have continued to try to live in gratitude for His gift.

Again, as hard as Bill worked, Christ’s sacrifice was so much greater. In both instances, I did NOTHING. I do get bothered by the thought of those I love thinking they can “take care of it tomorrow.” Meaning their salvation. So many do not have a tomorrow.

For 2025, Jay and I (and I pray Collin), will be living each day to its fullest realizing the sacrifice Christ made on the cross for our eternal salvation. No greater gift.

“For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.” Eph. 2:8-9

WHY!!

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Sunday our pastor mentioned that we should take a moment this week and tell God what we are thankful for. He gave us several ways to do this and one way took me back. Years ago, when all the kids were little, we would write what we were thankful for on fall leaves that my sister had cut out. There was one point that she kept them from year to year to display. As the years have gone by, and the kids have grown up, we have stopped that tradition. I think it was just because of the hustle and bustle of cooking and getting ready for Thanksgiving…and maybe some eyerolling from teenagers.

Last night, before going to sleep, I was reading a devotion on my phone. The series is called “Cancer-Encouragement for Healing.”  Personally, I think this devotion can go for any illness, not just cancer. Yesterday’s devotion was called “Hearing God’s Voice.” How many times have we wanted to hear His voice, begged for guidance, and/or just wanted something to drop from the sky. For me, more times than I can count. As I began to read, the first sentence read, “Hearing God’s voice will cut through the tumult we can be experiencing to bring us peace, clarity, and guidance like nothing else can.” I think I might have actually huffed out loud.

After reading the devotion, I turned over to try to sleep. As I was praying, I began begging God to speak to me, just in SOME way. I was brought to tears. Believe it or not, it takes a LOT to make me cry. My skin is tough…and I don’t cry in movies. When I realized I was crying, I stopped because I knew I would give myself a headache, but more so, I asked myself why I was crying. It was a “get yourself together girl!” moment. But my WHYs kept flowing out of my mouth to God. Why cancer. Why Trey. Why Collin. Why Jay. Why melanoma. Why rashes. Why headaches. Why endoscopies. Why bladder surgery. Why biopsies. I think you will get my pattern. I talked to two precious pastors in the last week about my frustration of not being able to handle the “Why” or control it. They did not pretend and told me very honestly that they did not know why either.

As I lay there, crying out in frustration and fear, I cried out to the Holy Spirit to speak to me for peace, mercy, and healing in my family. In the most AUDIBLE voice I have ever experienced, I heard God speak to me.

Lisa – You may not know the why. All you need to know is I AM THE WHY.

Yes, I am thankful for the WHY! God, my Savior. Jesus, who died for me on the cross.

MIC DROP!

His Plan or Our Plan.

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I think we all have struggled with the acceptance of God’s plan in our lives at one point or another. If it is a glowing, glorifying moment, we are not hesitant to proclaim the incident was definitely a part of God’s purpose and plan for our lives. If it is a traumatic situation, we struggle with claiming His plan.

You know I do not believe in coincidence. Yesterday, in two different devotionals, they referred to the purpose for your life. From A Shelter From the Storm:

“In times of depression is it not uncommon for people to question their identity as well as the purpose of life. This confusion could arise from a change in lifestyle or the workplace, deep disappointment, illness, death, and any of a number of factors that shake your stability and tranquility and cause you to sink into a well of helplessness and hopelessness.”

These words ring true for me and my family. February 26, 2012, Jay and I stood at the end of the hallway at LeBonhuer Children’s Hospital and stared out a window as tears steadily flowed. Jay’s repeated words were – I wish it were me and not Trey – why can’t it be me. I said the same thing.

The gastroenterologist came to see us that day and, in my shock, (as we sat on the couch in Trey’s hospital room), I argued with every word he said. He showed me his computer and images of Trey’s body and I told him he was wrong. I told him there was a mistake. I was looking over at Trey laughing with his friends and pointed to him and said, “See! He just doesn’t feel good!”

Not to beat a dead horse, but obviously we know God had other plans for Trey.

A young friend posted on Facebook recently about the loss of her young little boy. She said it was not in God’s plan for her to lose her little boy and she would never believe that. (Paraphrase) I heard the hurt and anger in her post. I immediately felt such compassion and understanding…not defensive at statement. I remember in the shock of the first few days of Trey being in the hospital, I felt the same way. It took time to listen to the Lord and ABSORB His plan. Do you immediately accept His plan?

The journey we are travelling now with Jay’s cancer has been the same, in which my emotions fluctuate daily. I desperately seek God and His goodness in any of this journey I can find, and honestly, His plan. I have voiced my frustration. Jay thought it was at him and it was not. Maybe a control issue? I can’t imagine ME having a control issue! (joke).

I do not know God’s plan in this journey…but do I trust Him? YES

Is He faithful to walk with us when we feel alone? YES

HIS PLAN IS ALWAYS PERFECT. AND I BELIEVE THAT.

PLEASE PRAY:

For Jay as he has started his treatment back today.

Pray that the rash and sores do not raise their ugly head.

Pray for his fatigue and nausea.

Pray for my migraines, please.

Please continue to pray for Mike and Beth O’Neill, Ashley McCrary, Natalie Italiano, and many more suffering with this horrible disease.

WE ARE CLAIMING EPHESIANS 3:20-21

“Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.”

#prayfortheErwins

When Faith and Fear Collide.

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It’s that time of year…football season. The lull of summer is passing, kids are returning to school, and hopefully the temperature will begin to change bringing a slight breeze for Friday night lights. It has always been my favorite time of the year – even before kids!

I have been a VOL and Memphis Tiger fan since I can remember (football and basketball). How can those two co-exist? They can. Prime example two rivals who both have my heart for different reasons – the Collierville Dragons and the Houston Mustangs.

Trey and Collin played football from the CYAA (youth league) age until high school at Collierville. We are and will always be Dragons. I remember from Trey’s testimony video he said, “I love football. I love football first, playing it, watching it…” I know Trey didn’t mean he loved football more than God, and as parents, we made sure it was not his idol. Proof? I guess showing up at church on a Wednesday night late after practice – sweaty – without a shirt on proved his devotion. Not a bright call on his part, but he was there and Keith made sure he put a shirt on.

I have mentioned many times that the picture below was taken by Roger Cotton, the team photographer, the night the Dragons beat the Mustangs in 2011 (September 2, 2011, won 14 to 6), just months before we found out about Trey’s cancer. Roger captured the excitement just at the right moment. I cannot remember much about that game except that Herman Osteen Field was PACKED on both sides of the stadium…classy versus trashy. I don’t even know how classy v. trashy began, but let me tell you, both schools took it very serious from clothing to hyped trash talk. I’m sure many remember those days! And they were fun for both sides.

Fast forward to Dragon football season of 2012. Trey passed away in July before football season began, but he sure wanted back on that field. When I mentioned before about Trey running into church late after practice, that is one place there was no division between Dragons and Mustangs. Matter of fact, most of his friends at church went to Houston. That made this win (and bragging rights) even sweeter in 2011. But in 2012, the Dragons and the Mustangs came together to honor Trey – August 31, 2012. The Dragons did not win the game. Matter of fact, they lost 24 to 10 and played AT Houston. The quarterback for the Houston Mustangs was Gavin McCrary, the eldest of the McCrary clan, and I am close with the entire family. That was a night, even though the Dragons lost, two teams did co-exist even though the competition was there to win a football game. NOW, maybe this information will help you grasp just a little of my affection for this picture.

I read an article recently about co-existing in our daily lives as Christians. My search was about faith and fear, something I am learning a lot about. I do not question myself about my faith. I have a personal relationship with my Savior that nothing can break. But wait, I have fear; fear of cancer. This is something new for me because I have not experienced this kind of fear. My sister said something very profound last week – we have confidence in God and all that He can do, but we do not have confidence in cancer and it’s ability to go away. The Lord knew we, as His children, would have fear. This is why He so often comforts us. Because He knows that within perfect faith, fear cannot exist, but within our imperfect minds and hearts they can. He wants us to know that simply because we experience fear does not mean we don’t have faith.

So, I ask that you pray for us. Jay is a rock and I am the one afraid; afraid of losing my best friend. When you are a “fixer” and I can’t fix him, frustration is overwhelming. Jay does not like my frustration or where it takes me…with our finances, his health, everyday life, and I understand. Right now, while my fear and faith might co-exist, make no mistake that my God is bigger than any fear I might have, and fear will not rule our lives. It’s a choice.

You are all a blessing to us, and we are very thankful to those who have signed up on our Meal Train and who have donated to our Go Fund Me. We already have enough to pay our smallest bill to West Clinic, which brings such a relief to our daily fight. It has been hard to swallow pride and accept any help given, since so many helped us when Trey was sick. Again, thank you.

“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1

#prayfortheErwins

Just Bein’ Real…March 6

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I’ve said this before, it was a long day. March 6. I remember when I started Tual Graves several years ago, I told them there are several days that will not be good days and I may take off work. March 6 is one of those days. As the years have gone by, I have found that working has helped me more than staying at home, especially if Jay is not there. Honestly, Jay is my rock and when he is working, most of the time all I do is sit.

There were many in the room that day. There are many that remember every word, and there are those that don’t recognize the date, and that’s okay. But for a mother, who has just been told her son will die, I remember how my heart sank, I couldn’t breathe, and I wanted to throw up. But there was Trey, my Simba. “Well, it must be bad because Mom has been crying.” Generally, I wasn’t a crier when the kids were growing up. My emotions have definitely changed since January of 2012. Cancer continues to be our enemy.

There are few people I trust WHOLEHEARTEDLY, and one is (Rev., Dr., Papa K, Bro.) Keith Cochran. I sent him a text yesterday and just said, “I’m sad.” He asked, “Why are you sad?” I quickly replied, “Where is your head, Bro!” I knew he would either laugh or be concerned. He responded, “Well, I didn’t know if anything else was going on.” He knew. He sent encouraging scripture from 1 Chronicles which speaks of praising the Lord. I told him I didn’t want scripture. I’m tired of scripture being thrown at me as the answer. I don’t want to go to church. I don’t want to go to choir. I told him, “I think I’ll take up Collin’s attitude.” Where is God?

Last night, I sent him a text and thanked him for always being available for me, for not being judgmental, and listening to my heart. He said, “Of course! We love you guys!” He told me earlier in the day that sometimes, not saying anything is best. I told him – NOT WITH ME! I told him you can give me something! It doesn’t have to sound like Billy Graham wrote it! (I knew he would chuckle.) Keith had told me a long time ago I needed to scream to just get it out. I guess I screamed, but maybe through text. I might have more screaming and more crying to do. He was my son.

I find it ironic that the majority (and I mean 9 out of 10) of Trey’s best friends now have little boys. Cody and Katie Beth – 3 boys, Hunter and Madison – 1 boy, Julianne and Ben – 1 boy, Leighton and Jeremy – 2 boys. Even Cojo! (Courtney Jordan Dahlsten) has a boy! The only girl coming is precious Harper Joy Korthoff! (Madison (Young) and Herbie). I was at a shower for Madison a week or so ago and some of the boys came with their mothers. It was so precious to see them interact with their own children. It was VERY hard to take in that all these girls were once my YOUNG girls. Some were bed babies with Trey. The one thing that plays over and over in my mind is I HOPE (well, I know they do) understand and feel the love a mother has for her child. I would never want any of these sweet families to experience the loss of one of their children. They all hurt when Trey died and they will always carry a part of him with them, I hope. I love them so.

This morning on the way to work I pleaded with God to show me His goodness. I love listening to Olivia Lane on The Message in the morning and she shared scripture from Hebrews, which I can’t remember now. All I know is that it pierced my heart with God’s love for me. I will find it. It reminded me of a song by Meredith Andrews. Meredith is the sweetest person (pictured with me and Trey in the summer of 2011). She sung at our DNOW(s), sung at summer camp, and loved on all these kids that are now grown up. If you have a chance, look up the song with lyrics below – You’re Not Alone.

I know I am not alone in this journey. I know others feel like I do and understand. Sometimes it is the guilt of feeling this way that gets me, but God gets me. This time of year is always hard. So, you might not see me at church (I’ll watch online) and you might not see me in the choir (I’ll sing from the couch). I just ask that you continue to pray for our family. Grief is a very complicated animal. It’s very hard for me to explain my inner turmoil, so spending time in silence and listening for His goodness is sometimes best.

Hakuna Matata…

**********

I searched for love when the night came and it closed in
I was alone, but You found me where I was hiding
And now I’ll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice that called my name, saying

You’re not alone for I am here
Let me wipe away your every fear
My love, I’ve never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
And I’m the One who’s loved you all your life
All of your life

You cry yourself to sleep
Cause the hurt is real and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost with heartache your closest friend
And everyone else long gone
You’ve had to face the music on your own
But there is a sweeter song that calls you home, saying

You’re not alone for I am here
Let me wipe away your every tear
My love, I’ve never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
And I’m the One who’s loved you all your life
All your life

Faithful and true forever
My love will carry you

You’re not alone for I, I am here
Let me wipe away your every fear
My love, I’ve never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
Your darkest night
And I’m the One who’s loved you all your life
All of your life

Tomorrow is a BIG PURPLE DAY!

/ livingthelifeofchrist / Leave a comment

For all our married life, Jay has worn a uniform to work. For years it was scrubs and for the passed 21 years, a uniform for the fire department. I’ve told him countless times that I wish I could wear a uniform to work. Wearing a uniform would make morning decisions SO much easier.

Tomorrow is World Pancreatic Cancer Awareness Day and the ribbon/color which represents Pancreatic Cancer is purple. Why purple? Pancreatic cancer uses a purple ribbon as a tribute to one woman’s love for her mother. A woman named Rose Schneider, whose favorite color was purple, died in 1996 after battling pancreatic cancer for six months. That’s how purple became the color for pancreatic cancer.

Think about Valentine’s Day. What color do you associate with that day? Why RED, of course! It’s a day of love. Thursday, November 16 is no different. By wearing purple, you are acknowledging the love and compassion you have for those who have suffered, succumbed, and are still battling pancreatic cancer. You are saying – I See You!

I see you as you walk through the door for another treatment.

I see you smiling when I know you’re in so much pain that you can’t stand.

I see you when you wish you could eat what everyone is enjoying but you’re afraid to put a bite in your mouth for fear it will go right through you.

I see you as you sit next to the bed of your mother as pancreatic cancer slowly takes her and she can’t respond.

I see you when you cry with your grandfather knowing he only has a few days, but he’s at peace and you’re not.

I watch you maneuver through life without a smile because pancreatic cancer took your best friend, father, son.

I listened as you tried to rationalize the reason God took my baby. I’ve listened countless times. Even knowing God had a purpose for Trey’s cancer, a mother’s broken heart never heals.

I see you. You matter. You are relevant. Your suffering is not in vain. You are loved and we wear purple for all of you; my family, for Trey, for Martha Carol, for Stephanie, for Melanie Busch, for Ruth Ranks and her girls Kelly Ranks Roy and Tracy Ranks Grimmer, for Steve Gilmore and his dad, and for so many of the known and unknown.

My sister, Donna, and I often say, those that scream the loudest get heard. I can tell you that funding for research for pancreatic cancer is not a priority to most. Grants are not available to assist adults with cancer because of government funding. I have thought – I sure wish there was a St. Jude for adults.

Again, November 16, we wear purple for you.  Stand up against cancer – pancreatic cancer. Tell their story. Tell YOUR story-why you wear purple. I’m begging for your support. Remember, those that scream the loudest, get heard!

I challenge you to download or copy this sign for tomorrow. Tag me (or #treyerwin13) and let’s make a difference!