Yes, as I posted on Facebook, I got out of bed today. I just read wise words a friend posted on Instagram.
“Don’t think or judge, just listen.”
Can you do that? Just listen? Or do you always feel the need to fix and have an opinion.
I hear what is in your head. Trust me. People have actually said the words. “I can’t believe it’s been three years.” Three years to you is ONE day to me. Or some days, it seems an eternity since I touched his sweet face, rubbed his thick eyebrows, and smelled his Beiber hair.
I see so many children suffering and it makes me angry. I am human and sometimes the world makes me angry. It’s okay. Maybe I am hitting that stage of grief; the kind of grief that brings angry tears for my family and for others. I confessed this to my Sophomore Sunday school girls…my anger baggage.
I am sure I am starting a week early with scanxiety. Collin goes to St. Jude for his yearly MRI next Friday. Then we wait days and go back for another St. Jude visit. For this mom (and I know many others) comes the what if’s. I know it’s on his mind and how can I blame him for spending fall break in bed? If my mind is angry, restless, and grieving, how does his feel? So many questions and no answers. But again, it’s okay. God knows. I talked to Collin today. It was noon and I needed some questions answered and I said, “It’s okay, you don’t have to move.” I heard, “Oh, thanks.”
Another friend posted on Facebook this week and I quote: “Praying for courage this morning. Facebook pics are always full of the happy times. But in reality we all go through hard times we just don’t like to chronicle those. Praying this morning for all my dear friends and that we may trust that God is in control and take comfort in that. So thankful for my boys, my friends, and my family. And so thankful that I am loved by my Jesus.”
I commended her for speaking out and not hiding behind the happy family pictures of fall break. I get so weary of seeing the happiness when no one has the guts to post the ugliness of life. This is the ugliness. The ugliness cancer patients (and their families) face on a daily basis. But God does remind us in my “go to” verse, “The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble, And He knows those who take refuge in Him.” Nahum 1:7
I ran into new friends at church last night. They knew me from somewhere but did not know my name. As I began what I call my “standard short story” about Trey, you could see bells and whistles go off in their minds as they recognized me. There was so much about our story that they did not know and I usually save that for one on one (Collin has the gene, Jay’s melanoma). Point being, we never, ever know what is truly going on in someone’s household no matter how public their life may be. Publicity takes it’s toll and satan threatens isolation. I will keep repeating, he will not have my family.
So yes, today, I got out of bed. When depression, anger, and tears could have kept me there, I got out of bed. Sure, knowing Trey is with my Jesus makes the day a little better. But knowing I will go home and he will not be there makes the day(s) even harder. Without judgment from my husband or my son, or my family, after hearing 10,000 Reasons this week the same time my husband did (and we talked about it), cleaning out some of his clothes and determining what is his and what is Collin’s, folding his favorite yellow polo, wearing his fuzzy socks, knowing we will be at St. Jude next week, I think I’ll cuddle with my two pups and crawl back in bed when I get home.
Right now, I’m not strong, haven’t had the humph to write, and you know what? It’s okay because my God is more than enough.