August | 2014 | living the life of christ

There was a time after Trey died when I heard Already There by Casting Crowns and I would immediately burst into tears with the thought that Trey is already in heaven waiting for me at the end of my life. I am a very, VERY, visual person. I could see Trey standing in heaven with his beaming smile and that big mop of hair (every hair in place, of course). But that’s all I really saw through my tears, Trey. After the song was over, I usually imagined a conversation between us and I slowly calmed myself.

There has been a lot of talk about depression since Robin Williams’ death. Just like there are functioning alcoholics, there are people who are functioning with depression. I have been functioning with depression since I was 18. I’ll never forget having my first panic attack around the age of 23 and the doctor told me in the middle of the night to get in the shower to intake the steam so I could calm down. I seriously thought I was having a heart attack. It happened again and I ended up in the hospital. After a week of scans, needles, and x-rays, my internist brought in Dr. Moacir Schnapp and he proceeded to tell me I had a chemical imbalance and was depressed. I said, “What? I’m not depressed! I’m about to get engaged, I have a great job, and I’m fine!”

Needless to say, there was a prior incident which triggered this chemical imbalance. I have been on medication since that time and realized depression runs in our family. Both of my sisters deal with depression. (Yes, I asked permission to use their names.)

Let’s fast forward 25 years. I am living life to the fullest with America’s 2.5 family, serving in my church, working hard at my job, and BAM four months later my 15-year-old son is gone from cancer (rare, at that). My sunshine. This goofy, full of life, football player. The first thing I hear from most people is “You are so strong.” Are you kidding me? I remember yelling at a friend of mine shortly after Trey died, “My son is DEAD! He will NEVER get up out of that grave! He will NEVER walk on that football field AGAIN! Uh, Hello!” And yes, I was yelling.

I can tell you my faith sustains me during my depression, but it doesn’t get me out of the bed some days. And you know what? That’s okay because God loves me for who I am and he hears my every prayer and catches every tear. He definitely gave me the amount of grace, mercy, and strength I needed (and still need) to go through the four months of Trey’s illness. Not to mention a wonderful husband, family, and friends. In July of this year, I hit bottom and I might hit bottom again, but I hope not. I was wise enough in that moment to reach out to someone…Keith Cochran. I truly believe it was only by the Holy Spirit that prompted me to even text Keith that turned into a phone conversation.

What has been healing for me has been to read Mary Beth Chapman’s book, Choosing to See. Mary Beth (Steven Curtis Chapman’s wife) also deals with depression and also lost a child. In this grieving process you DO have to choose to see. This morning, the song Already There came on the radio. I did start to shed tears, but as I was rounding the corner to get on the interstate, I realized the vision in my mind was not of Trey. I actually almost put on my brakes. At the end of my life was Jesus with his arms open wide. Every step (and decision) we make in this life is one more step toward the end of our life into the arms of Jesus. Finally, Trey was behind Jesus.

What or who do you put before God?

Already There by Casting Crowns

From where I’m standing

Lord it’s so hard for me to see

Where this is going

And where You’re leading me

I wish I knew how

All my fears and all my questions

Are gonna play out

In a world I can’t control

Oh, oh

When I’m lost in the mystery

To You my future is a memory

Cause You’re already there

You’re already there

Standing at the end of my life

Waiting on the other side

And You’re already there

You’re already there

Oh, oh, oh, oh

From where You’re standing

Lord, You see a grand design

That You imagined

When You breathed me into life

And all the chaos

Comes together in Your hands

Like a masterpiece

Of Your picture perfect plan

When I’m lost in the mystery

To You my future is a memory

Cause You’re already there

You’re already there

Standing at the end of my life

Waiting on the other side

And You’re already there

You’re already there

One day I’ll stand before You

And look back on the life I’ve lived

I can’t wait to enjoy the view

And see how all the pieces fit

One day I’ll stand before You

And look back on the life I’ve lived

Cause You’re already there

You’re already there

When I’m lost in the mystery

To You my future is a memory

Cause You’re already there

You’re already there

Standing at the end of my life

Waiting on the other side

And You’re already there

You’re already there

You are already there

It’s yellow and it sits on the dining room table. His polo hat, of course. I’ve glanced at it several times the last couple of weeks wondering when he’s going to pick it up and take it upstairs. Then it comes to me, he won’t be taking it upstairs. It will stay on top of his honorary graduation diploma until I move it. It’s that way it is with most of Trey’s things. They stay where they are until I move them. Like his clothes, still in his closet.

Jay and I hated the flat-billed NY Yankees hat he bought on a mission trip with the church. I think he and Jimmy Gresham bought them together. I tempted to sneak in his bedroom at night and bend the bill of the cap like his yellow polo hat. When he knew we were going to be in public together, he grabbed the yellow polo hat.

Then there came the issue of wearing the hat backwards. If you’re are going to wear a ballcap, what’s the point of wearing it backwards? Oh, the arguments over that subject. His dad won that argument most of the time. “Turn your hat around son.” That is, of course, until he got into the church and I would see him swish it around backwards and Trey would just grin at me.

I knew the reason he worn the hat to begin with; to flatten his HAIR! Every morning after he wet his hair, on went the cap. “Because my hair won’t stick up Mom!” I had other ideas like non-frizz conditioners, but he wanted his yellow polo hat.

That yellow polo hat would trend into red, blue, orange, pink, khaki, green, all the colors of the rainbow and more. I have been able to let go of a few things, but not his hats. Well, maybe two to some special people. Maybe I’ll put the yellow polo hat next to his autographed Peyton Manning footballs because if there was a fire, I’d grab the hat first, after my wedding photos…and the dogs.

It’s the little things. They carry Trey’s smile, his smell, and for those that knew him, just a sense that he’s just around the corner. I got your hat, Buddy, but it looks better on you. You could always rock some yellow.