Today I had my physical.  You know, those visits you are supposed to have every year, but I have flown under the radar and have seemed to get away with not going in for about two or three years.  Luckily, my internist, is a friend of ours, Art Franklin, or better known as Dr. E. Arthur Franklin.  He and Jay worked together years ago at the Baptist Minor Meds before he went into practice, and when he did, we decided to follow him.  All I can say is, great physician, great guy.

I think we spent more time talking about Trey today than we did me.  That was okay with me, but I think we both knew that Trey has a lot to do with what is going on with me physically.  Am I getting enough sleep and is it quality sleep? How are my migraines? What about my fatigue? Is my depression better?  What is my blood pressure, EKG, blood work, chest x-ray, etc.  We went down each road one by one.  Some roads I didn’t mind traveling and some brought many tears.

Dr. Franklin asked a very good question.  What has been the dumbest question anyone has asked you over the last year or anyone has said?  I just had to laugh and I told him that no one has ever asked me that!  I really had to sit and think!  But it came to me and when I told him, we both agreed.  I distinctly remember receiving a telephone call from someone I did not know and they told me I was making a mistake by choosing the coarse of treatment that we did.  I don’t blame them for trying to help, it’s just the way they went about it.  At the time of Trey’s diagnosis, people came out of the woodwork for what they thought was best for Trey.  Dr. Franklin agreed with our philosophy.  The latest and GREATEST medical news for cancer would be known by St. Jude and West Clinic within days of anyone else knowing it.  It was not like someone would be withholding the cure for pancreatic cancer in order to punish millions of people.

And then we watched a recent football video I have.  I told him of how I look at so many pictures daily and to watch him move like that is just odd.  Then came another question I just have not thought of.  He asked me would I rather remember him during those days or have the memories of the last four months.  What a hard question.  The memories that are most vivid are of his last four months, but I would much rather have vivid memories of his laughter with his friends, seeing him running down the football field, worshipping in church, wrestling with his dad, and playing basketball with his Uncle T and Bobby.  As hard as I try, I can’t regain those memories.  My plans are to find as many videos as I can to recall memories.  You know, that’s my fear, that I will forget.

Dr. Franklin then said something about parenting and we were talking about Collin and he said he bet it was hard to scold Collin for that bad grade, etc.  And I said, oh just the opposite! If anything, we have learned to continue living life. Sometimes that is actually the most difficult thing to do.  We are trying, as hard as it may be, we are trying.  It is a tug-of-war game, I feel like at times. There are day that you are tugged into the past and days that you pulled into the present. Then there are days you don’t want to be pulled into either and you just want people to leave you alone.  I asked the question of Pastor Charles last week if I could just pull the covers over my head – his answer was no.  It seems he and my doctor agree.  YOLO – You Only Live Once is not an excuse to make bad decisions.  Fact is, we only have one life and one day, we will stand before God to be held accountable for the life we lived.

I left knowing only a few things.  I still have a broken heart.  Something a medical doctor will not be able to heal. Many things come with that broken heart, but it is up to me as to how I handle the side effects.  Here is where Dr. Franklin will help me manage those side effects. I am so thankful for the trust I have in my physician on earth and the Great Physician, my Heavenly Father.  Both know what is best for me and it’s not the latest diet pill! (Darn)  With God as my Great Physician, he is in the process of healing many things from the last year.  As Dr. Franklin said, he would never begin to put himself in our position, even though he has recently experienced some his elder patients dying.  As I told Dr. Franklin, there are many things I hope to speak into people’s lives that are walking down paths where they think there is no hope.  If my God, who is so great, can use what we have experienced for good, then I have no choice but to speak up and use what He has given us.

Dr. Franklin was in the room with me today when I got the news that mom will be going into a new assisted living residence and she received her apartment number.  Her apartment number is 13.  We both just grinned! He knew it was Trey’s number.  How cool is that!

Tomorrow, I’m taking my apple to work, with a little low fat caramel, and my sweet conversation with my physician to work with me.  I will be praying for a little more energy, which we are working on, and fewer headaches.  Today, I am thankful for Dr. E. Arthur Franklin.  A friend to our family, a doctor to my husband, me, my mother, and others in my family.  That apple won’t keep me away.  Like he told me today, if you need me and you just don’t feel right, call me.  That I will Art Franklin, that I will.

“These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.”
John 16:32-33

Today as I was standing in line waiting to check out, I happened to overhear a conversation going on between two ladies in front of me.  One lady was checking out with a large amount of groceries with her young son, and the other lady was waiting behind her.  Since the conversation was so intruiging, I didn’t mind the wait.  I know, you can’t imagine what would be interesting between two ladies in line at WalMart.  I think it was more of what was going on in my mind as they were talking that made it a little more…humerous.

The conversation took me back, way back before there was Throw Back Thursday for those of you who use Instagram.  The ladies were discussing how many children there were in the family of the one who had so many groceries.  I think, from the conversation, there were more than six.  I gather that because the lady behind her had at least five brothers or sisters.  I still am invisioning how fast the lady was putting the groceries in her cart as she answered the question, “It just happened that way.”  If I am correct, the question was, “Did you plan to have that many children?”  And that’s when I began to grin and think back many years ago.

Jay and I traveled the first four plus years of our marriage but we always wanted a large family.  We had always talked that three was a good number because he had two brothers and I had two sisters.  After Jay and I decided to have children, we thought that would be a breeze – everyone has children.  Long story short, I could not conceive without fertility drugs.  Before Jay and I had children, I discovered I have a bladder disease and was told that having children would either be one – difficult, or two – should not happen at all.  After having Trey, my urologist clearly told me that if I wanted to have any chance of having a bladder when I was older, I should not have a second child.  We didn’t listen and decided to have Collin (who sat on my bladder my entire pregnancy!).  Our two blessings.

I can remember DISTINCTLY having conversations with a best friend when Trey and Collin were young and her daughter was young that she and her husband NEEDED to think about having a second child.  She kept saying NO WAY!  I would just say to myself, oh, she needs more children!  See, I knew best, of course.  After all, the bible says in Ps. 127:3 “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.”  I bugged the snot out of her.  I see now that there is no way that it was in God’s will for her to have more than one child.  I think it’s just what we do — plan to have many children because one is not enough.

My thoughts, as I stood in line, went straight to the moment Jay and I sat in the car after Trey’s death.  We both just sat there…speechless.  I said to him, “What are we going to do now?”  All he could say was, “I don’t know, let’s just go home.” And we went home to our one child, Collin.  Our one mouth to feed.  Our one child that would return to school, one child to train up in the way as he should go.  And that’s where my thoughts took me today.  I have ONE child that I know has accepted the Lord as his Savior.  I have ONE child to send to college.  Sure, only one child that MIGHT bring me grandchildren.  But when it all boils down to it, I have to laugh.  I think about what the lady said, it just happened.  As much as we plan for life, God will ultimately decide how many children we have and in what direction our children will go.  God already has one of my children, and that was all His decision – certainly not mine.

Now why do you think that conversation was a blessing? Because not only did I realize that I need to appreciate the mouth that I feed, he is the ONLY mouth I have left.  This might sound a little selfish, but I don’t have anymore children to worry whether or not they will meet Jesus one day!!!  If Jesus were to return tomorrow, I KNOW, without a shadow of a doubt, my entire family will be sitting at the feet of Jesus.  That was my blessing!  I would not trade my family for someone else’s in all the world!

As I walked out of WalMart, I thought I might not have to worry about my child, but I know friends who are dealing with their children and it is such a burden they are carrying.  The commitment grew in my mind and heart to pray for my friends and their children.  My family has been blessed.  We have been chosen by God to serve him.  “You did not choose me, but I chose you.” John 15:16  This is something I cannot explain.  I cannot explain Trey’s path or why the lady in line has more than 6 mouths to feed.  This is something I will not know until I reach heaven.

“Commit to the Lord whatever you do and He will establish your plans.” Proverbs 16:3  A renewed commitment to pray.  A renewed commitment to pray in line with God’s plan for my life and my family.  God even speaks to you in line at WalMart.

I recently had an encounter with satan.  You may ask, “How do you know?” I most definitely know.  When you are what I would like to call in sync with God in your daily walk and it is interrupted by confusion and inner turmoil that doesn’t come from the Lord – Oh, that’s satan alright!

When I am asked to speak, I always prepare in different ways.  Sometimes I might speak to a small group of women (which I am praying to do more of), a college age group, or more recently I spoke during the Sunday School hour at First Baptist Collierville.  Each time I tailor my speaking engagement to the crowd.  As I was preparing to speak to FBC, I could not get a peace about what I needed to say.  It kept ringing in my ears that they were the church around the corner and they should KNOW about Trey.  Why did they want to hear from me?

Collin and I had a conversation in the car on the way home from his football game last Tuesday.  He asked the same questions that I had of myself.  Smart kid.  Then I thought of an analogy.  Hear my heart as a child on this.  I told Collin that it finally came to me that God spoke to me to tell of HIS story through Trey and not worry about anything else.  I told him that there might people who did not know about Trey’s character or faith.  I told him there might be people there that did not know Jesus.  I told Collin there are people that live all around us that might know about Trey, but they don’t know Jesus.  I didn’t need to worry about what I had to say about Trey, I just needed to concentrate on praying the next couple of days.  And so I did.

I got so comfy after I prayed.  I knew exactly what I was going to say about Trey and how it would flow.  I could have spoken to the multitudes Tuesday night.  THEN BAM! My armor had fallen to my side!  I wasn’t protected anymore.  What is frightening to me is that I didn’t realize it until after he struck.  I have used this verse before, but it still is the most convicting:

John 10:10  “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.”

That thief robbed me.  Satan.  He robbed me for about four days.  I was in turmoil.  My joy was gone.  I had an upset stomach.  I contacted past and present pastors to pray over me till one said it…”armor up, wage war!”  I immediately opened my bible to Ephesians 6:10-17.

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might.  Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil.  For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm.  Stand firm therefore, having girded your loins with truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness,  and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.”

I studied it and studied it.  Even at midnight on Saturday night as I was in bed at a friend’s house.  [SIDE NOTE: I really was blessed to be in the home of a friend, Kerri Flowers, whom I had taught Sunday School with for many years.  I teach 10th grade girls with Sharis Newman and we had a sleepover that night.]  At 11:48 p.m. on Saturday night I received an email.  The email was from two doctors that I have been in contact with in Tulsa, Oklahoma.  My last correspondence with them per the email was June 11, 2012, prior to Trey’s passing.  The husband is a trauma surgeon.  Just as satan hit me out of the blue, God blessed me with an encouraging email from this doctor telling me how they still praying for our family.  His last paragraph says:

“When dark days come forth, I hope you will remember that even though Trey’s passing has been some time ago, many of us still pray and haven’t forgotten about you and your family.  I hope you receive this as an encouragement and as an example of so many families who may have never met you but still have you in our prayers.”

I wanted to run through the house yelling how FAITHFUL God had been in filling me up with His power and mercy!  (Don’t worry, the house was already awake.  The cat set the house alarm off.)  Even though I left FBC on Sunday saying to myself, I should have said this and that, I know God put in their ears what they needed to hear.  Jay and I then rushed to Germantown Baptist, our home church, just in time to hear the choir sing Majesty and Glory of Your Name.  It’s a little special to us.  It was in our wedding.

Going back to John 10:10 and that ugly guy, what’s his name, I think we forget the second half of the verse – “…I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” How abundant are we living?  How filled with joy, love, and other fruits of the spirit is your life?  That’s what I have to ask myself daily – How are my fruits growing in my life?  Am I watering them or letting them die by letting my armor stay by my side?

Hate is a strong word.  We don’t use it at our house.  But I will allow it once.  I do hate satan.  He is a creep and he does just that, creep in.  The sad thing is we allow it.  Even the churchiest of church people walk around with satan in their hearts with smiles on their faces.  But you know what?  There’s that fruit again.  My prayer is that my son is able to see fruit in my life so that he will be able to grow and ask questions.  Right now, I am praying through that Collin have the mentoring opportunities Trey did at that age.  God has someone for Collin that is the right fit, like Keith Cochran, Ryan Mullins, and Ron Norton were to Trey.  Well, not to mention his dad, Jay, his biggest mentor.  It’s finding that person with fruit, willing to love, willing to invest.  God knows it is not me right now.  WE CLASH! WHOA ~ BIG TIME! Trey and I didn’t.  Well, not as much.

So, the next time you look at someone at work, school, on the street and think they are a creep – stop and think what they may be dealing with on a daily basis.  It just might be satan they are struggling with.  Pray for them that they might WIN the battle and stand firm!

Sunday we sang Holy Ground to end our service.  I shared with Ron, our music minister, that I changed the words as I sang it because I thought of Trey truly standing on Holy Ground.  What a day that will be to be satan free!

He is standing on Holy Ground

And I know there are angels all around

He is praising Jesus now

He is standing on Holy Ground!