I’ve said this before, it was a long day. March 6. I remember when I started Tual Graves several years ago, I told them there are several days that will not be good days and I may take off work. March 6 is one of those days. As the years have gone by, I have found that working has helped me more than staying at home, especially if Jay is not there. Honestly, Jay is my rock and when he is working, most of the time all I do is sit.

There were many in the room that day. There are many that remember every word, and there are those that don’t recognize the date, and that’s okay. But for a mother, who has just been told her son will die, I remember how my heart sank, I couldn’t breathe, and I wanted to throw up. But there was Trey, my Simba. “Well, it must be bad because Mom has been crying.” Generally, I wasn’t a crier when the kids were growing up. My emotions have definitely changed since January of 2012. Cancer continues to be our enemy.

There are few people I trust WHOLEHEARTEDLY, and one is (Rev., Dr., Papa K, Bro.) Keith Cochran. I sent him a text yesterday and just said, “I’m sad.” He asked, “Why are you sad?” I quickly replied, “Where is your head, Bro!” I knew he would either laugh or be concerned. He responded, “Well, I didn’t know if anything else was going on.” He knew. He sent encouraging scripture from 1 Chronicles which speaks of praising the Lord. I told him I didn’t want scripture. I’m tired of scripture being thrown at me as the answer. I don’t want to go to church. I don’t want to go to choir. I told him, “I think I’ll take up Collin’s attitude.” Where is God?

Last night, I sent him a text and thanked him for always being available for me, for not being judgmental, and listening to my heart. He said, “Of course! We love you guys!” He told me earlier in the day that sometimes, not saying anything is best. I told him – NOT WITH ME! I told him you can give me something! It doesn’t have to sound like Billy Graham wrote it! (I knew he would chuckle.) Keith had told me a long time ago I needed to scream to just get it out. I guess I screamed, but maybe through text. I might have more screaming and more crying to do. He was my son.

I find it ironic that the majority (and I mean 9 out of 10) of Trey’s best friends now have little boys. Cody and Katie Beth – 3 boys, Hunter and Madison – 1 boy, Julianne and Ben – 1 boy, Leighton and Jeremy – 2 boys. Even Cojo! (Courtney Jordan Dahlsten) has a boy! The only girl coming is precious Harper Joy Korthoff! (Madison (Young) and Herbie). I was at a shower for Madison a week or so ago and some of the boys came with their mothers. It was so precious to see them interact with their own children. It was VERY hard to take in that all these girls were once my YOUNG girls. Some were bed babies with Trey. The one thing that plays over and over in my mind is I HOPE (well, I know they do) understand and feel the love a mother has for her child. I would never want any of these sweet families to experience the loss of one of their children. They all hurt when Trey died and they will always carry a part of him with them, I hope. I love them so.

This morning on the way to work I pleaded with God to show me His goodness. I love listening to Olivia Lane on The Message in the morning and she shared scripture from Hebrews, which I can’t remember now. All I know is that it pierced my heart with God’s love for me. I will find it. It reminded me of a song by Meredith Andrews. Meredith is the sweetest person (pictured with me and Trey in the summer of 2011). She sung at our DNOW(s), sung at summer camp, and loved on all these kids that are now grown up. If you have a chance, look up the song with lyrics below – You’re Not Alone.

I know I am not alone in this journey. I know others feel like I do and understand. Sometimes it is the guilt of feeling this way that gets me, but God gets me. This time of year is always hard. So, you might not see me at church (I’ll watch online) and you might not see me in the choir (I’ll sing from the couch). I just ask that you continue to pray for our family. Grief is a very complicated animal. It’s very hard for me to explain my inner turmoil, so spending time in silence and listening for His goodness is sometimes best.

Hakuna Matata…

**********

I searched for love when the night came and it closed in
I was alone, but You found me where I was hiding
And now I’ll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice that called my name, saying

You’re not alone for I am here
Let me wipe away your every fear
My love, I’ve never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
And I’m the One who’s loved you all your life
All of your life

You cry yourself to sleep
Cause the hurt is real and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost with heartache your closest friend
And everyone else long gone
You’ve had to face the music on your own
But there is a sweeter song that calls you home, saying

You’re not alone for I am here
Let me wipe away your every tear
My love, I’ve never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
And I’m the One who’s loved you all your life
All your life

Faithful and true forever
My love will carry you

You’re not alone for I, I am here
Let me wipe away your every fear
My love, I’ve never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
Your darkest night
And I’m the One who’s loved you all your life
All of your life