Yesterday, I had the opportunity to go by Trey’s grave. I do that more than I speak about it. More than my family knows. I know he’s not there. But there is just something that is a little consoling in the words – final resting place. Because of the fierce wind and cold, his purple flowers were bent to the side with ice at the bottom of the flower pot. I scraped the ice out and shoved the flowers straight down in the flower urn where they looked pretty. I wiped off a little dirt, stood back, and gazed at the “Healthy in Heaven” that is written at the bottom of his marker.
That thought kept swirling in my mind as I walked a couple of plots over to his grandfather’s and uncle’s resting place. Collin is named after his Uncle Barry. Collin Barrett Erwin. Trey was named after his dad and his grandfather. Jerry Wayne Erwin, III. Trey was always teased and people called him Jerry Wayne or Jerry. He didn’t mind. But as I looked down at Jerry’s marker it suddenly hit me, the date, February 13, 2008. I’ll never forget that day. After Jerry passed, I checked Trey out of school early. As he walked into the office and we walked to the car, he was very quiet. When we got into the car, he said, “I know why you checked me out, it’s Papaw, isn’t it.” I said, “Yes, he passed away this morning and I just didn’t want you coming home on the bus to a house full of people not knowing what was going on.” Trey was only 12. I explained to him how Papaw was so peaceful. Trey remained quiet for the next few days, until we were at the grave. It’s something about the grave. It has a finality to it. Both Collin and Trey openly cried uncontrollably. I remember men from our Sunday School class kneeling at their feet to talk to Trey and Collin as they were grieving. It was comforting to see others to tending to our babies.
Fast forward six years. I can’t believe Jerry has been gone six years. And we still grieve for him, but there is more laughter and we definitely talk about the funny things Papaw did. In Sunday School I handed out a flash light, a TV remote, and two iphones. What they all had in common were no batteries. Without batteries they cannot operate. We are the same way. If we are of Christ, yet do not have the Holy Spirit, we cannot function. The Holy Spirit revives us, consoles us, and comforts us. The Holy Spirit knows what the intimate will of God is for our lives and he intercedes and the scriptures say that he GROANS in prayer for the believers. Much like we groan in grief. I believe the Holy Spirit grieves with me. Romans 8:26-28 ~
“In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words; and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”
I think a lot of people skip the first part of the verses and go straight to how God causes all things to work together for good who love Him. We skip the part about the Holy Spirit. If we do not have the Holy Spirit within us, we are like a remote without batteries, dead in our flesh. What is our flesh? Sinful. I am thankful for the Holy Spirit and its prompting. This week will be a hard week. I know that my son, my father-in-law, my brother-in-law are NOT in that grave. They are seated at the feet of Jesus. Does it make it any easier as my family faces another anniversary and DNOW weekend without Trey? Absolutely not. But I know that the grave and those markers cannot hold my baby because the Holy Spirit filled him, consoled him, revived him, and comforted him. But more than that, I’m thankful for Romans 8:18. For I KNOW that there is MORE on the other side of the grave than what this world can offer. More than this grief that I carry.
“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the anxious longing of the creation waits eagerly for the revealing of the sons of God.”
So son, that is not your resting place. That is just merely the flesh shell of who you were; a men among men. My only wish is that some people knew you. I talked to someone this week that is missing you very much. We don’t move forward, we move along. Some are struggling. Some aren’t talking. Many hide it. Some don’t care. But that’s okay because your mom will never hide her love for her boy or the deep groanings of grief that the Holy Spirit consoles. Holy Spirit, Breathe on Me.