My sweet boy:
I have to tell you Buddy, your Aunt Donna and I saw Hamilton last week. Oh, it was something you would have loved! Almost as much as Wicked. As Aunt Donna and I sat outside on a bench, I asked her, “What do you think Trey would be doing at 23?” She had no idea. I think, as many “girl” friends as you had, you would have been married. We had a good laugh about that. Well, look at all your male friends! They are just about all married!
Ms. Shawn (I know, you don’t know her, but you know Taylor), said something to me after the anniversary of your death. She said I seem to be handling things with more strength. She couldn’t put her finger on it. I told her I knew. I’ve allowed myself to grieve for you. I’m not letting anyone influence me anymore.
I had a rough time one week and I talked to Papa K. I just didn’t know what to do. They lost Oreo, Trey. And he told me that just like Oreo will always be a part of them and they will miss him as they walk through life, so will be the same with you, but to a greater grief. I will always walk through life with an amount of grief as a mother with you beside me. It was like a light bulb went off.
How can I not grieve? I’ve thought about it a lot this week. I’ve been in the bed and tried to remember the feeling 23 years ago and how massive my belly was. You kicked the fool out of me. Sometimes it really hurt. As with labor pains, so does death of the child.
God has put us at Living Hope and Trey, it has been such a blessing. I met someone who lost their child many years ago. They were able to share with me that missing your baby just doesn’t go away and no one should ever tell you to get over it. I felt SO much better! It was like a weight was lifted. God has put many in our path. Remember Ms. Anita and Ms. Janice?
Honey, I know you didn’t want us upset. But on earth, we don’t have the ultimate joy you have in heaven even though we try.
Sometimes, things are pitch black, as if I’m looking down a dark tunnel. I feel as if my heart will break and there is total emptiness. But, the goodness of God fills my soul somehow. I do ask Him why.
Why God are you still forgiving my anger?
Why God are you still loving me after crying with jealously of other parents?
A friend of mine posted this and it’s so true:
“We tend to stay away from mourning and dancing. Too afraid to cry, too shy to dance…we become narrow-minded complainers, avoiding pain and also true human joy…While we live in a world subject to the evil one, we belong to God. Let us mourn, and let us dance.” Henri Nouwen
Trey, I still mourn. But buddy, I do dance. And I’m so thankful for the people in my life that are still willing to walk beside me and your daddy and mourn with us when we need it. You know the 24’s take care of us! You know God understands.
I know you would be so proud of Collin. He’s growing up and trying to find his way. He’s wanting that truck that you wanted to buy. So when he gets it, I know he’ll think of you.
I need to stop the tears and end this Happy Birthday. Another year of healthy in heaven. Please hug Jimdaddy for us. We miss him so. I know you were glad to see someone else to play basketball with!
Dad and I still cling to James 1:2-3 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance.” We endure many trials and we continue to grow.
Love you Buddy.