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Purpose in Suffering

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I remember vividly having the conversation with Collin about being mad at God. He said, “I prayed for God to heal Trey and he didn’t. I prayed for God to heal Papaw, and he didn’t.” I told Collin at that time that I totally understood. When my dad died of ALS, I was mad too. I was mad that I never had the chance to REALLY have a dad. Fast forward MANY years and God gave me Joe Duncan who I worked for almost 25 years, the dad I never dad.

I understand Collin’s question – why do people suffer and die when it says in the bible to ask him anything and he will do it. “I will pray to the Lord, and he will answer me from his holy mountain.” Ps. 3:4 And what about, “Truly, truly, I say to you, if you ask the Father for anything in My name, He will give it to you.” John 16:23.

My devotion hit me today, especially because I am in pain and suffering. The doctor’s office blames the insurance company and the insurance company blames the doctor’s office for not being able to schedule an important surgery that will take me out of pain that I have been experiencing for a year. Well, actually, I have had interstitial cystitis for 40 years and the doctors told me I would get to the point that nothing would work to help my pain. The temporary Interstim device DID!

Why can’t they get the permanent surgery scheduled? I have prayed and prayed. What is God trying to teach me? I really don’t know. My faith is NOT weak because I prayed the other day – God, you can move mountains, move this one. I KNOW he can. Yes, I know there are things we will never understand this side of heaven. That is one thing you DO NOT have to tell me. My family is a prime example of that knowledge.

Is God speaking to me? Yes, he is. I was sitting in the doctor’s office yesterday with Jay and I was fuming. I was READY to give it to the doctor, even though I know it’s not his fault. I was mouthing and Jay said, “Lisa, you need to just be nice.” NOT SO FAST, as Lee Corso says. I probably looked at Jay like he had three heads. Within SECONDS I received a text from my Sunday School teacher, Carolyn Mrok, and she simply said, “I’m praying you get your surgery scheduled.” I showed Jay and said, well, I guess the Holy Spirit is telling me to be nice. Do you know I can’t find that text now? And I literally said, it’s Carolyn, and read it to him. I do not delete texts.

I know people are praying for me. I know my office is tired of me hurting and not being able to move around. I’m tired of being in the bed all weekend and immediately when I get home. I’m tired of missing ballgames. I haven’t been to church in months!!! I’m missing my LIFE! But I can still say, God is good. Why? Because I have family that takes wonderful care of me. I am blessed, in these hard times.

My devotion said today, “Prayer slaps handcuffs on Satan. Prayer takes problems out of the domain of the Devil and into the presence of God.” Max Lucado (I love this book, by the way. God is With You Every Day)

What is the purpose in my suffering? Maybe it is the opportunity for others to serve and help care for me. Maybe it prompts someone else to pray and bring them closer to God. I told Jay and my friends last night that I was driving home yesterday clinching the steering wheel and seething. Then, God just told me to unclench my fists. Jay joked and said, I hope you didn’t let go of the steering wheel! I told him no, but I simply released my grip, opened my hands, and said, “God, it is yours. I’ll simply obey.”

Sometimes our suffering might be a reminder of obedience and prayer. A “DUH” moment.

HOW COOL!

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Them: “Don’t you know that song?”
Me: “No. Sorry, I only know a little country.”
Them: “Then what do you listen to! Gosh!”
Me: “Well, I listen to The Message on XM.”
Them: “What in the world is The Message?”
Me: “Christian music.”
Them: “Oh.”

Have you ever had this conversation? Sometimes, it can be uncomfortable. But other times, I really don’t care. I raised my kids on K-Love and I would like to think that is how the word of God got into their hearts…music.

Jay and I raised our kids reading them devotions at night, daily and nightly prayers, doing all the things Christian parents should do. All the while, never imagining how our lives would be 10 to 20 years down the road.

When Trey got his first phone (6th grade – remember the flip phones that you had to push the numbers 20 times to just make a word?) there was no such thing as texting. Boy, have we come a long way. Once texting hit the scene, I went from putting notes in their lunch (which I’m sure Collin won’t remember) to texting them to say I was praying for them, scripture, or just HAVE A GOOD DAY! Sometimes, I would get OK or THANKS. Sometimes, no response. Collin did not have a phone at the time, but many times when I sent Trey scripture, his response would be – “Wow Mom! That’s so cool!” My heart would swell knowing all the years of radio and prayers had made a difference.

I still send Collin scripture, devotions, and recently the YouTube video of Big Daddy Weave’s Redeemed. Oddly enough, I actually questioned myself afterwards – “Why did I do that!” because you never want to push your child away. But the words pierced my soul, not only for myself, but for him and my family:

Seems like all I could see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last
Then you look at this prisoner and say to me
“Son, stop fighting a fight, its already been won”
I am redeemed, You set me free
So I’ll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain
That I’m not who I used to be
I am redeemed, I’m redeemed
All my life I have been called unworthy
Named by the voice of my shame and regret
But when I hear you whisper “Child, lift up your head”
I remember, oh God, You’re not done with me yet!

I say all this to say, don’t stop feeding your children, spouse, friend, anyone who needs to hear the word of God. I have to tell myself, it’s not my responsibility to make sure they listen to it or read it – only that I feed it to them when God prompts me.

Don’t give up! You might go years without a “Thanks” but one day, you’ll get that “HOW COOL” and you’ll know everything you have fed them, the Holy Spirit used to penetrate their heart.

WHY!!

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Sunday our pastor mentioned that we should take a moment this week and tell God what we are thankful for. He gave us several ways to do this and one way took me back. Years ago, when all the kids were little, we would write what we were thankful for on fall leaves that my sister had cut out. There was one point that she kept them from year to year to display. As the years have gone by, and the kids have grown up, we have stopped that tradition. I think it was just because of the hustle and bustle of cooking and getting ready for Thanksgiving…and maybe some eyerolling from teenagers.

Last night, before going to sleep, I was reading a devotion on my phone. The series is called “Cancer-Encouragement for Healing.”  Personally, I think this devotion can go for any illness, not just cancer. Yesterday’s devotion was called “Hearing God’s Voice.” How many times have we wanted to hear His voice, begged for guidance, and/or just wanted something to drop from the sky. For me, more times than I can count. As I began to read, the first sentence read, “Hearing God’s voice will cut through the tumult we can be experiencing to bring us peace, clarity, and guidance like nothing else can.” I think I might have actually huffed out loud.

After reading the devotion, I turned over to try to sleep. As I was praying, I began begging God to speak to me, just in SOME way. I was brought to tears. Believe it or not, it takes a LOT to make me cry. My skin is tough…and I don’t cry in movies. When I realized I was crying, I stopped because I knew I would give myself a headache, but more so, I asked myself why I was crying. It was a “get yourself together girl!” moment. But my WHYs kept flowing out of my mouth to God. Why cancer. Why Trey. Why Collin. Why Jay. Why melanoma. Why rashes. Why headaches. Why endoscopies. Why bladder surgery. Why biopsies. I think you will get my pattern. I talked to two precious pastors in the last week about my frustration of not being able to handle the “Why” or control it. They did not pretend and told me very honestly that they did not know why either.

As I lay there, crying out in frustration and fear, I cried out to the Holy Spirit to speak to me for peace, mercy, and healing in my family. In the most AUDIBLE voice I have ever experienced, I heard God speak to me.

Lisa – You may not know the why. All you need to know is I AM THE WHY.

Yes, I am thankful for the WHY! God, my Savior. Jesus, who died for me on the cross.

MIC DROP!

His Plan or Our Plan.

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I think we all have struggled with the acceptance of God’s plan in our lives at one point or another. If it is a glowing, glorifying moment, we are not hesitant to proclaim the incident was definitely a part of God’s purpose and plan for our lives. If it is a traumatic situation, we struggle with claiming His plan.

You know I do not believe in coincidence. Yesterday, in two different devotionals, they referred to the purpose for your life. From A Shelter From the Storm:

“In times of depression is it not uncommon for people to question their identity as well as the purpose of life. This confusion could arise from a change in lifestyle or the workplace, deep disappointment, illness, death, and any of a number of factors that shake your stability and tranquility and cause you to sink into a well of helplessness and hopelessness.”

These words ring true for me and my family. February 26, 2012, Jay and I stood at the end of the hallway at LeBonhuer Children’s Hospital and stared out a window as tears steadily flowed. Jay’s repeated words were – I wish it were me and not Trey – why can’t it be me. I said the same thing.

The gastroenterologist came to see us that day and, in my shock, (as we sat on the couch in Trey’s hospital room), I argued with every word he said. He showed me his computer and images of Trey’s body and I told him he was wrong. I told him there was a mistake. I was looking over at Trey laughing with his friends and pointed to him and said, “See! He just doesn’t feel good!”

Not to beat a dead horse, but obviously we know God had other plans for Trey.

A young friend posted on Facebook recently about the loss of her young little boy. She said it was not in God’s plan for her to lose her little boy and she would never believe that. (Paraphrase) I heard the hurt and anger in her post. I immediately felt such compassion and understanding…not defensive at statement. I remember in the shock of the first few days of Trey being in the hospital, I felt the same way. It took time to listen to the Lord and ABSORB His plan. Do you immediately accept His plan?

The journey we are travelling now with Jay’s cancer has been the same, in which my emotions fluctuate daily. I desperately seek God and His goodness in any of this journey I can find, and honestly, His plan. I have voiced my frustration. Jay thought it was at him and it was not. Maybe a control issue? I can’t imagine ME having a control issue! (joke).

I do not know God’s plan in this journey…but do I trust Him? YES

Is He faithful to walk with us when we feel alone? YES

HIS PLAN IS ALWAYS PERFECT. AND I BELIEVE THAT.

PLEASE PRAY:

For Jay as he has started his treatment back today.

Pray that the rash and sores do not raise their ugly head.

Pray for his fatigue and nausea.

Pray for my migraines, please.

Please continue to pray for Mike and Beth O’Neill, Ashley McCrary, Natalie Italiano, and many more suffering with this horrible disease.

WE ARE CLAIMING EPHESIANS 3:20-21

“Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.”

#prayfortheErwins