Hey bud.  I know, some people are going to think this is nuts because they would say to themselves that I should probably just write this on the computer and just keep it to myself.  But I have so many people who ask me how to pray for us.  So I thought I would write to you.

I can’t fathom you’ve been gone for 10 months.  It seems like 10 minutes.  At least my heart feels that way.  So many people ask how we are doing.  Honestly Trey, a lot of time I just lie.  It’s so much easier to say we are fine than to say that we are not.  How can you explain it if I were to say that we aren’t?  They wouldn’t understand anyway.  Sometimes I get frustrated with that.  I think your dad and I feel alone in that. 

Your friends are really missing you.  You should see the number of people still wearing your bracelets and t-shirts.  I don’t think it’s so much for other people as much as it is for them.  Sort of like me.  It makes your dad and I feel good when we see your friends.  We get hugs and more hugs.

This time last year we were in Hawaii! Remember? Oh my! I know you were in pain so much of the time and there was so much you wanted to do, but I know you just loved looking at the scenery.  I vividly remember when you came and woke me up about 6:30 a.m. for breakfast and we went to eat oatmeal.  Didn’t they have awesome oatmeal!  That’s when we saw the rainbow and you took the picture.  It was a very faint rainbow, but we both saw it at the same time.  I loved your “hungry” times!  It was just the times right after when it hit that wasn’t so fun for you.  I think that is why Collin stayed in the room and watched cartoons so much – because you would be resting.  I don’t think he wanted to go out without you.  UNTIL WE SHOPPED! Ralph Lauren will never be the same!

Mother’s Day is coming up.  Remember how we shopped in the Pandora shop and you and Collin bought me charms?  And you made me leave the store! Y’all were so funny.  I think what I cherish the most is my turtle with the diamond in the middle that you gave me.  I don’t think kids understand that just handwritten notes mean so much to mom’s and dad’s.  The last one you gave me was on a piece of paper that said Happy Mother’s Day! I love you, Trey. And you put the picture of me and you from the UT spring game with it.  I have taped it to the mirror in the bathroom and I see it everyday.  I will be a hard Mother’s Day.

I know you were so worried about Collin.  You were right.  You had reason to be.  But we are doing our best.  Remember when you had a smart mouth on you and YOU knew everything? Yes, you did. Well, Collin is there.  I giggle sometimes and tell your dad, I remember when Trey was that way.  If is was sports, you knew it all.  Girls, you knew everything about them.  But Julianne broke THAT mold!  Speaking of Julianne, she misses you, but she is very quiet about it.  Kind of like Collin.  Things are about to change for the both of them.  Collin will be going into the 8th grade and Julianne is graduating.  Yep, she did it.  I know you would be proud.  So many of your friends are graduating; Cody, Madison, Leighton, Laura, and tons on the football team.

I can’t hear you much anymore.  I’ve lost the ability to keep your voice with me.  I can’t smell you anymore either.  That Trey smell is gone from your room, which we both know is kind of a good thing! I haven’t washed your blankets, so they are on the back of your chair.  Things are pretty much the same.  I’ve got some cleaning to do in the extra bedroom, but I need some WOMAN help.  The only thing we have done is paint your room and you would be SO glad we took that border off!  Actually, you would probably go ballistic if you saw the shape your room is in sometimes.  But I rarely go up there.  Only when I see things hanging over the bannister!! Don’t panic.

I think you’d be proud of the way I am giving back by telling your story.  But there are times I can faintly hear your voice say – OH MY GOSH! As you would want it, God is still getting the glory from the way you lived your life.  I wish people could have been a fly on the wall during so many of our conversations as you sat at the end of our bed and we had those “life” talks.  I wouldn’t trade those for anything.  I hope parents learn to listen to their kids.  You had a lot of valuable things to say, even in the days your heart was breaking.  I still understood.  I know those days were tough, but you grew so much.  That’s what you get for breaking up with Madison Luna in 3rd or 4th grade on Valentine’s Day! What a creep! I think you learned your lesson!

Life is so not the same.  I could say that over and over again.  Anna sang this last Sunday and Trey, it was all I could do to keep it together.  I know how much you loved Taylor and Anna.  I have NEVER heard her worship in song like that.  I know you heard her.  God filled the sanctuary.  We are getting ready for mission trip.  They were singing all the old songs in practice last week and each song I could hear you singing.  And then there were some I knew you and I had talked about how you were tired of but you knew I liked it.  I’m so proud that no matter the song, you always allowed God to work through you.  Remember when you first were on the football team and we had the UA retreat and you had to get permission to miss football practice on Friday and you BEGGED me not to tell anyone it was for choir?  Boy, you sure did come a long way from those days!

Like I tell people when I speak, I might be telling story of how God worked in my child’s life and I’m able to speak without hesitation, but I will always be your mother.  I’ll protect you no matter what, always.  Just like Alley did when you would be in your crib and she would lay under your bed.  She was a good lab.  By the way, the dog you named Abbie, uh, she is spastic!  She is just over a year and drives Belle nuts!

OH guess what! Dr. Sara is going to have a baby boy!!! Ella and Mia want to name the baby – Sister Baby Jesus! You can just see Dr. Sara laughing and saying NO NO NO! That name is taken! – that’s what she says.  She misses you! I made pictures of all your different polo outfits and bought matching baby outfits for her new little bundle.  She just loved it!  That boy is going to be brought into this world wearing polo from his cap to his toes!  Rest assured buddy, she is taking good care of Collin and he is fine.  I know that she could only pray that she would have a boy who would grow in stature, wisdom, and have a charismatic love for the Lord like you did.  I hear so many times, I didn’t know your son, but. . .

I plan on putting some of your funny videos on YouTube soon.  People have GOT to know how funny you are! Bobby and I were laughing so hard a week ago about the napkin!  That was a hoot!  And I sent the one after you got out of one procedure how you thought you pooped on yourself to a few people so they could get laughs when they were sad.

Buddy, I could write all day, but I am rambling and you know Mr. Joe needs me to do things.  Mr. Joe and I talk about you a lot.  I think it has helped him.  Your daddy misses you quietly also.  He’s been going to as many sports games as he can.  And Chris Wallace has been a sweetie to get us to the Grizzlies games.  You’d be proud of your Grizzlies!  D. J. and Stacie talk about you.  D. J. encourages me when I am down, just like he did you.  I’m attaching a picture from the beach before you went to Jesus of Stacia, Julianne, You, Hunter and Leighton.  They miss you.

I love you thisssss much.  I think of you every moment of every day.  And your dad and I still sleep with the pillow you had at St. Jude when you died between us.  You’ll never leave us…just help Jesus by being a good servant to Him and watch your mouth! They own the place, you know.