#migraines #anxiety #faith

His Plan or Our Plan.

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I think we all have struggled with the acceptance of God’s plan in our lives at one point or another. If it is a glowing, glorifying moment, we are not hesitant to proclaim the incident was definitely a part of God’s purpose and plan for our lives. If it is a traumatic situation, we struggle with claiming His plan.

You know I do not believe in coincidence. Yesterday, in two different devotionals, they referred to the purpose for your life. From A Shelter From the Storm:

“In times of depression is it not uncommon for people to question their identity as well as the purpose of life. This confusion could arise from a change in lifestyle or the workplace, deep disappointment, illness, death, and any of a number of factors that shake your stability and tranquility and cause you to sink into a well of helplessness and hopelessness.”

These words ring true for me and my family. February 26, 2012, Jay and I stood at the end of the hallway at LeBonhuer Children’s Hospital and stared out a window as tears steadily flowed. Jay’s repeated words were – I wish it were me and not Trey – why can’t it be me. I said the same thing.

The gastroenterologist came to see us that day and, in my shock, (as we sat on the couch in Trey’s hospital room), I argued with every word he said. He showed me his computer and images of Trey’s body and I told him he was wrong. I told him there was a mistake. I was looking over at Trey laughing with his friends and pointed to him and said, “See! He just doesn’t feel good!”

Not to beat a dead horse, but obviously we know God had other plans for Trey.

A young friend posted on Facebook recently about the loss of her young little boy. She said it was not in God’s plan for her to lose her little boy and she would never believe that. (Paraphrase) I heard the hurt and anger in her post. I immediately felt such compassion and understanding…not defensive at statement. I remember in the shock of the first few days of Trey being in the hospital, I felt the same way. It took time to listen to the Lord and ABSORB His plan. Do you immediately accept His plan?

The journey we are travelling now with Jay’s cancer has been the same, in which my emotions fluctuate daily. I desperately seek God and His goodness in any of this journey I can find, and honestly, His plan. I have voiced my frustration. Jay thought it was at him and it was not. Maybe a control issue? I can’t imagine ME having a control issue! (joke).

I do not know God’s plan in this journey…but do I trust Him? YES

Is He faithful to walk with us when we feel alone? YES

HIS PLAN IS ALWAYS PERFECT. AND I BELIEVE THAT.

PLEASE PRAY:

For Jay as he has started his treatment back today.

Pray that the rash and sores do not raise their ugly head.

Pray for his fatigue and nausea.

Pray for my migraines, please.

Please continue to pray for Mike and Beth O’Neill, Ashley McCrary, Natalie Italiano, and many more suffering with this horrible disease.

WE ARE CLAIMING EPHESIANS 3:20-21

“Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.”

#prayfortheErwins

Trauma and Birthdays

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Happy 27th birthday to my sweet Trey in heaven. When Trey was born, Jay and I were living in a house we had built in Bartlett, had the picket fence, and the chocolate lab, Allie. We were your All-American family – both with booming careers and a newly found church family. It was everything I had dreamed of as a young girl.

As the years went by, tragedy continued to plague our family. We did not buckle under the pressure. If anything, we grew as a couple because we always talked about what we were feeling. Well, maybe I made him talk or listen! He has always listened.

After Trey’s death, finding people who would talk or listen came few and far between. I didn’t understand and I still do not understand, but I am trying. I’m trying to understand why people who were an important part of our family chose to walk away. It has taken me years of tears, prayer, strength, and research to understand this phenomenon.

Recently, I had a conversation with a friend about their part in our journey and I just wanted to know why we were abandoned after his death. I pushed through this hard conversation because after 10 years, I needed to put it behind me. The trauma of Trey’s death has been something our family has had to bear and I just didn’t understand why others were not able to help carry our load. Isn’t that what we are called to do? If someone told you tomorrow that they had a terminal illness-the fight or flight instinct would kick in. What has been baffling is those that fought with us, then took flight. UNTIL I said, no more. Without going into detail to protect our friendship-let me just say it was the healing that was needed…because I spoke up. I knew Trey would not want our relationship to be strained.

It’s hard to think about Trey’s birth without thinking about his death. I have shied away from writing because of fear. Fear that I would offend someone or something might not be biblically right on point, so I stopped writing. I had someone in an online support group remind me that my words might be something someone needs to read or hear. Honestly, I let others dictate how I was feeling. Then I realized, they had not lost their son, I have! So, I’m back!!!!

It wasn’t until I talked to one of Trey’s friends that I realized I was experiencing delayed trauma. Delayed trauma can include persistent fatigue, sleep disorders, anxiety, depression, and avoidance of emotions, sensations, or activities that are associated with the trauma, even remotely. The more I’ve read (after a major panic attack before my second ankle surgery), I have realized that holding in these emotions are not healthy, especially for migraine sufferers! I read this definition of trauma as described by the Allina Health Organization:

“Psychological trauma is a person’s emotional response to a scary, shocking or horrific event or series of events. Traumatic events are unpredictable and can cause overwhelming amounts of stress beyond your capacity to cope. Experiencing trauma can often shake your assumptions about life, your sense of control, feeling safe and trust in others. Losing those fundamental feelings of safety and trust can lead to anxiety and fear. You may even feel like the world is unsafe and unpredictable or question your faith. The overwhelming stress can lead to long-term psychological trauma, and in more severe cases, post-traumatic stress disorder. Any form of psychological trauma can interfere with your ability to maintain relationships, perform day-to-day activities and enjoy your life.”

Wow. Even after eleven years I am still experiencing so many things associated with delayed trauma. What I have realized is that there are hundreds, THOUSANDS of women who have lost their child(ren) that feel the same way! Sometimes we let these fears control our spiritual growth. I have clung to fear, been absolutely stuck in deep muck and mire. Trust me, just because someone is not flowing tears does not mean they are or are not strong. Some of the strongest women emit tears. [EDIT] After I published this post, I went back and read this statement about tears and it didn’t make sense. So to clarify, you might see me crying at some point, during church, with a friend, in a picture…that does not mean I am not strong. And it definitely does not mean it is about TREY! Tears are just my outlet for my emotions. Sometimes my sadness comes out in my attitude. Just ask my husband.

So today, I have cried a little.

I have laughed and smiled a little.

I have hurt a lot.

Most of all, I have realized in this big, messed up world, there are mothers (and fathers) that feel the same way I do. AND there are some that do not have these feelings, and that’s okay! I’ve always said it’s okay to not be okay. I think I’ve been so busy telling others that I did not realize I am not always okay myself.

As simple as this word is from the Lord, it packs a powerful punch – Phil. 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”

Today, Lord, I need your strength. And tomorrow, I will need it more.

Again, happy 27th birthday to my first born. My sunshine. Sorry, buddy, it’s passed my bedtime and I didn’t get a chance to proof this – but I wanted it out on your birthday.

Anxiety…I see you.

/ livingthelifeofchrist / 4 Comments

We are all living busy lives, even in a Covid-19 world. Our children do not have a normal routine and are having to alternate school days (if they go at all). Our jobs are in a fluctuating state of working remote to being in the office for longer hours. Week to week we have to make the decision to attend church because of Covid-19 exposure, with many choosing to worship via streaming. And then there is the weather! I think you would all agree that finding “our norm” is very difficult.

Unfortunately, our bodies suffer from the day-to-day life that we have now created. For me, most know that I suffer from chronic, severe migraines. Saturday started my latest battle of trying to determine what was the best course of medication before going for the big guns. I felt some chest pressure and thought I had congestion and chalked it up to my sinuses. With the weather front moving in, I know many have been having the same issues I have.

Sunday morning it hit full blown. I was determined to not let it put me to bed for the rest of the day. Fortunately, after taking many different prescribed medications, my headache began to ease. In place of my migraine came anxiety. A full blown anxiety attack.

If you have ever experienced an anxiety attack, you will know exactly what I am about to tell you. Remember, panic attacks and anxiety attacks are different. Panic attacks will usually come and go within 10 to 30 minutes. Anxiety can last for days.

The elephant in the room had moved to sitting on my chest. My legs felt like they could run a mile with my feet never touching the ground. As the afternoon turned into evening, my hands started to feel numb. I knew exactly what was happening. My head kept trying to tell my body, you will be fine. Jay was reassuring that I would be fine. I told Jay, “My head knows everything you are saying, but my body does not!”

We have an oximeter at home, which if you do not have one, get one. It measures your pulse and heart rate. Every thirty minutes I would ask Jay for the oximeter. My rates were normal.

I took a bath thinking it would surely relax me. All it did was raise my heart rate and send me outside to the cold to attempt to bring my body temperature down. Trust me, during this entire time I was doing breathing exercises. Breathe in through your mouth, hold for 4 seconds, exhale slowly and repeat.

Jay kept asking me why I would not take the Xanax I have that is prescribed for this very thing! In my mind, Xanax would suppress my breathing and I was trying to explain to him that the cure for my anxiety would cause me MORE anxiety. Is it going to be this way every February? That was my thought.

What is my fear? Taking medications that slow my breathing because I am afraid to go to sleep. This started for me at age 18 after the loss of my father and when someone stole my identity to seek drugs. Once a pattern of anxiety comes into your life, it just does not go away. You have to learn to control it, daily.

About 7:30 p.m., Jay came to sit closely by me on the couch and hold my hand as we watched American Idol. After beginning to take my nighttime meds (that also doubles as a medication for anxiety), I slowly began to calm. But I knew bedtime was coming. Night. My biggest fear.

At 10:30 p.m. I went to bed praising the Lord for a calm spirit. As we do each night, Becky, Andrea (my best friends) and I were telling each other goodnight by text and Becky said, “Fear is a liar!” I immediately went to the song by Zach Williams – “Fear is a Liar”. I rebuked Satan and began to recite 1 Peter 5:7, “Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.” I slept.

Friends suffering with anxiety during these strange days, I see you. I hear you. I feel you. But so does our big God. I am not saying anxiety is gone, because today (Monday) it still lingers and I made it through the day with the help of Xanax. But I know when I go home I will be able to relax, nothing will happen to me, and I will sleep.

If you suffer from anxiety like I do, I hope you know you are not alone. Anxiety is real and it is SCARY. That heart attack you feel is coming on is controllable. The best thing (next to Xanax), is to make sure you have a support system in place during this time. I could not have made the night without my husband. Trust me. I was crying and telling him if the Xanax did not work, he was taking me to the hospital! And you know what he said? Okay.

Unfortunately, since I wrote this, my migraine returned on Tuesday. I immediately went to my pain doctor. Not only am I blessed with a wonderful husband, but I have a doctor who I have been with for over 30 years. Dr. Schnapp’s his first remark was, “Are you trying to kill yourself?” He said that the combination of all my medications caused a medication induced tachycardia event evidenced by the anxiety. I told him my oximeter said my heart was normal! He showed me how to record an EKG from my Apple Watch to my Iphone. Life changer. Advice – get an Apple Watch and use it if you have anxiety!

“Anxiety might be your superpower, not your kryptonite. Changing my perception of my anxiety has helped me see that it doesn’t diminish my value in my career or as a parent, and might even enhance it.”  Alice Boyes Ph.D Psychology Today

The reason for this blog is to say I am not ashamed I suffer from anxiety. I think I’ve been through quite enough in my lifetime to cause a little anxiety. I want YOU to know you are not alone. Anxiety is real. Even though you feel like you are on the edge of death, you are not. Remember to rest in the strength of His arms. “He is our comfort and strength, a very present help in time of trouble…though the mountains shake and the waters roar, we will not fear!” Ps. 46:1-3.

“Some people feel guilty about their anxieties and regard them as a defect of faith. I don’t agree at all. They are afflictions, not sins. Like all afflictions, they are, if we can so take them, our share in the Passion of Christ.” C. S. Lewis