@MyGBCFamily

It hit me. Like the blustery, cold wind outside and a heavy weight on my chest, so unexpectedly as I pulled into the parking lot. “It’s just a parking lot,” I told myself. But my car instinctively knew where to drive and where to park.

The walkway was long to the Faith building. I felt as if I was going in slow motion even though I willed my feet to move faster. I watched as people in the their bundled coats whirled by me, but all I could do was glide.

One by one the memories came and haunted with voices swirling in my head. “Mom, watch out!” The thoughts of endless touch football games in the open field that was filled with small pot holes made me smile. I was always afraid of broken ankles from that area.

As I looked to my right there was a tree. It took my breath. Over the passing of time, the tree has grown from a twig to be an adult tree, thriving and surviving. No longer in harm’s way of being stepped on by the barrage of children during Pumpkin Parties and a blow up bungee cord run.

“Hey Mom, look up!” I hear Trey’s voice coming from a place I KNOW he probably should not be. Just that one time when your child finds his way up the stairwell onto the roof…with youth leaders. And of course, he informs me later that he goes up there all the time. (WHAT?) Why did God give him a super hero mentality? Was that part of his faith? He sure couldn’t fly, although he tried, many times and failed (bike, trampoline, pools, home plate, etc.).

As I continued to walk, I came upon the split in the walkway that leads to another door. My heart sank a little lower as I knew this very short walkway was always filled with teens on sunny evenings looking for something to do after the service. There was always a heavy debate whose car would be taken, whether they would go to Bacon’s house to swim, and sometimes just sitting (or jumping – don’t ask) on the hood of their cars for hours was enough. Those were the days that hanging in the church parking lot by the walkway was “cool.”

By the time I reached the door, I told myself, “Lisa, you could have parked on the other side and walked around.” Collin was at basketball and I knew I could have walked up another familiar walkway.

I bet you’ve never thought about the different walkways as you enter a building. Then my heart skipped a beat thinking that the other way around the church would have probably brought me to my knees. As you enter the doors by the Cafe, look to your left. There is a small garden of rocks. Many of you might not know the story of the rocks in that quaint area.

At DNOW in 2012, the leaders turned the Faith building into a mock funeral home. There was a casket, funeral directors, and even Cindy Few standing next to the casket singing your favorite hymns. The kids did not know what was in store for them as they would enter the room in a single-file line to walk by this casket. They were instructed to peer into the casket. What they would see was a mirror giving them a reflection of themselves. Afterwards, they had time to think about their reflection, the sin in their life, and the analogy of how we can bury our sins through Christ.

The casket was taken outside and the students gathered around a large hole in the ground. It was such a chilly evening and the students were snuggled in close. After Keith Cochran spoke, several of the students were given the opportunity to shovel dirt on the casket. I distinctly remember Trey trying to pick up the shovel and throw the dirt on on the casket. The shovel slid on the ground as the dirt fell off the shovel onto the casket. The students were then escorted back inside for a “resurrection” party to celebrate their sins being buried…where the rocks still remain.

Since January, Jay and I have been visiting our home church, Germantown Baptist. For me, even though the walk into the building has been hard, it has felt like home. For Jay, as he told me, visiting has been difficult and he waits each time as he has walked into the building for Trey to come around the corner. My heart and soul aches with understanding. But there is something there that gives me peace.

Last Sunday, Jay and I walked into the church from a different walkway. We entered the building through the main entrance. As we walked up the walkway, I prayed, “Dear God, please do not let us linger here if it is not your will. Please guide us in the direction you would have us go.” It was not a magical or audacious prayer, just a simple plea.

Pastor Charles preached about storms and I believe it was anointed by God! He preached from Mark 4:35-41.

Jesus Calms the Storm

³⁵As evening came, Jesus said to his disciples, “Let’s cross to the other side of the lake.” ³⁶So they took Jesus in the boat and started out, leaving the crowds behind (although other boats followed). ³⁷But soon a fierce storm came up. High waves were breaking into the boat, and it began to fill with water.

³⁸Jesus was sleeping at the back of the boat with his head on a cushion. The disciples woke him up, shouting, “Teacher, don’t you care that we’re going to drown?”

³⁹When Jesus woke up, he rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Silence! Be still!” Suddenly the wind stopped, and there was a great calm. ⁴⁰Then he asked them, “Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?”

⁴¹The disciples were absolutely terrified. “Who is this man?” they asked each other. “Even the wind and waves obey him!”

We always think when walking through the storms that God is not there and that He is not able to handle what we are facing. I remember thinking when Trey got sick, “What have I done!” Pastor Charles was quick to point out that when storms come into our lives, we can fall into a trap of thinking that these storms are a punishment from God. Pastor Charles reminded me that we can be right in the middle of God’s will, doing exactly what He wants us to do, and the fieriest storms will come. Just as the Jesus was with the disciples in the boat and they were doing as He instructed.

“Sometimes, those storms will come when we are doing exactly what Jesus told us to do.” Charles Fowler.

Storms that tests us produce a crisis of faith. (Sounds like James 1:2-3 to me!) Does God have the the power to deal with my storm and will He? How many times I have asked myself that question and pleaded with Him to take it away from me and our family. I can honestly say sometimes I feel like PigPen from Charlie Brown who carries a cloud of dirt wherever he goes, his own little storm.

I relate to the disciples asking Jesus in verse 38 if He cared if they were drowning. I’ve often wondered that in my crisis of faith. Do we sink or swim? Where are my swimmies!! The answer was simple when Pastor Charles said, “Do you believe that Jesus can speak peace in the midst of your storms?” He can handle our storms, He hears our cries, He knows each fear before we face it, and most of all, He knows our hearts! NO ONE knows our heart like God.

After the service, Jay and I went to talk to Ben Cowell, the youth pastor, about many things in the Erwin home. He gave us such sound advice and prayed over us as if the rafters were reverberating. After a stern talk covered in love, Ben began to walk backwards and pointed at us and said, “Welcome home.”

Jay and I walked to the car and did not say anything as the cold wind hit us. “Click, click,” went the seat belts. Jay said, “Do whatever you’ve got to do for us to re-join the church.” I said, “Are you sure?” He said, “Are you sure?” I responded, “Yes! My prayer has been answered!”

Wednesday night as I walked the walkway to the Faith building again, I noticed the uneven sidewalk and the cracks in the concrete and I smiled. I remember holding two little hands walking up that sidewalk when the building was first built. There will always be memories of my boys, crisis in my faith, and times that I just can’t walk up that walkway. But there is one phrase that offers the most peace in my life. When I reach heaven, I will see MY Jesus with MY boy with seats next to him and they will say…

Welcome Home.

Jay and I left my home church, Parkway Village Baptist almost 20 years ago to become a part of Germantown Baptist Church (GBC). Parkway Village was all I had ever known. We did not visit anywhere before going to GBC because there were so many people that I knew at GBC and it was a comfortable fit. That does not mean the move from Parkway Village was easy. I left all my family behind as Parkway Village was going through a difficult period.

Jay and I knew that we eventually wanted to get into a church with a large youth program because that was what I had growing up and the bonds that were formed then are still with me today. We also knew we would eventually move from our Cordova home to Collierville to raise our children in the Collierville schools. Through all of those moves, God was with us as we prayed each step of the way; moving houses, giving birth to two children.

For more than 8 years, I served in the Youth Ministry at GBC because my heart is with youth. There is nothing more satisfying than pouring into their lives and ultimately seeing the light bulb go off as God speaks to them. So many precious girls and so many memories; summer camps, Vintage (girl’s camp), Youth Choir, Youth Choir retreats, mission trips, DNOW; all serving most of this time with Trey and/or Collin in the youth group.

Then, in 2012, at DNOW with our GBC youth, God changed the direction of our family with Trey’s diagnosis. After Trey’s death, Collin was left in the youth and I continued to co-teach a class. I finally came to the point that I realized that I was putting the oxygen mask on everyone else and not on myself and not doing God service in His teachings. My grieving need was paramount over my teaching need. BUT, during this time, the meals had stopped, the cards were no longer coming in the mail, the statements that were made would be, “Call me if you need anything”. Well, I can’t call anyone. If you have walked the death of a child journey, you will know that you are still there, in 2012. He is still in 10th grade as many of you have walked your child off to college and that phone call…well, it needs to be made by you. But the phone calls did not come. I heard, “We need to get together.” And all I knew and still know how to say is yes, we do.

Jay did not return to Sunday School after Trey’s death for many reasons. When I stopped teaching, we went to several classes. God literally closed doors by backs being turned (not intentally!). You can’t get a more clear answer than that. I began to pray for Collin’s heart to soften to leave GBC. After his best friend left with his family because his father is pastoring a church, Collin felt a little disconnected. Collin told me in the last three months he was NOT leaving GBC. I just continued to pray and told Jay I would give it till the first of the year.

I continued to pray daily Ps. 31:3 “For you are my rock and fortress; For Your name’s sake You will lead me and guide me.” During the holidays, I had eight days off and took that time to rest and take the time to prayerfully consider with Jay what our family needed to do come the first of the year.

Let me preface all of this by saying something Ernie Frey said from the pulpit at Central several weeks ago. It does not matter WHO is in the pulpit or IF there is a pastor in the pulpit, the PEOPLE are the church. The church is merely filled with sinners saved by God’s grace and also filled with sinners who have yet to know the saving grace of our Savior. All churches have issues, difficulties, staff changes, growth spurts, and differences in beliefs. But the majority of the churches in Collierville believe that Jesus was the Son of God and died to save us from our sins. Not ONE of us is perfect! There is no psychiatrist, psychologist, or grief therapist that can substitute for the church and the love that should emit from knowing its mission of sharing the Gospel. Even though we are seeing every counselor known to man to help with our grief, we come home and that warm and fuzzy feeling just doesn’t exist.

Oh, but I’ve claimed to have had joy? Well, for the first time in a LONG time since Trey’s death, it happened. A couple of weeks ago Collin was giving us grief about going to church that morning. We had not told him we were planning to go to Central. When we did, he did not say anything and he got ready for church. After Sunday School, I saw him come in the service late and my first thought, “Great, here we go. He’s been in the bathroom avoiding church.” After the service he came up to me talking non-stop how he was asked to join the Encounter (DNOW) planning team and that’s why he was late to church, how they were doing this and that. I just played it cool and afterwards I thought Gina Johnson and I were going to squeal like little girls. God had touched his heart. He was welcomed, loved, needed, and found his place. A place that had not been Trey’s place.

Fast forward to two Sundays ago. Jay was at work and my best friend visited with me, Cindy Few. We sang 10,000 Reasons and The Stand, both from Trey’s funeral. I cried in her arms and God placed her there for a purpose. Ernie preached about the discipline and leading in the family. God spoke through him directly to me about the leading of our family. Discipline is the responsibility of the home, not the church. I think I had been waiting for Collin to shape into place where Trey had made his mark in life.

Last week, Jay and I were coming out of Sunday School and a man grabbed me to hug. I looked up into these familiar eyes and melted into the arms of Jim Siegfried. If you have not read my book, Jim and Cyndi were members of GBC at one time and he baptized Trey. His grandson, Corbin, was one of Trey’s pallbearers, and we are just close in family. We then sang Forever Reign in the service, another song from Trey’s funeral. During the service, God spoke directly to me as our Sunday School teacher (Ky Faciane) was preaching. He told me that no matter WHAT church we belonged to, Trey would be with us wherever we go. And the friends that I have at GBC who are my true friends, will remain my friends for life. Peace. Joy.

We left the service to attend the Starting Point class to learn more about Central Church; and that was just our plan, learn. Collin said, “I don’t need to go, I’m already a member.” I said, “No you’re not!” He had no idea what he was talking about, but the fact that he voiced in his way how God had changed his heart was joy to this mama’s heart that I knew HE heard my prayers.

Starting Point…turned into joining Central Church. I’m already in a Beth Moore study on Wednesday night, I have run into so many ex-GBC people that want me to join the choir, Jay and I are helping with Encounter this weekend, they have a grief team that will be helping us. Most of all, and most importantly, every time I have walked in each door I have felt loved.

Ps. 30:5 says, “For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for a lifetime; Weeping may last for the night, But a shout of joy comes in the morning.” I do not dare say that my weeping is over, (I still cry just about everyday) but I can tell you that joy has come in the morning for the Erwin family. It is different in a certain young man’s attitude and we all know that makes life a little easier. I don’t expect many people to understand. I’ve said many times, put yourself in my place and suddenly have God rip away your son or precious daughter and be expected to come to grips with it as people move on. Sometimes, I feel like it is down right mean!

There will still be the questions and comments because we are the Erwin family (I’ve had it happen several times at Central). There are many friends and people at Central I do not know who prayed for us and walked the journey with us. I pray I will have the opportunity to share our journey with the women at Central and I hope I will be able to return to GBC to speak to the family where I will always call my home. Selfishly, Pastor Charles did not want to see us go, but he did so with many blessings and love. I will miss Charles Fowler and Ron Norton, but I will not ever wander far from home.

Learning to live as a family of three, listening to His call, and following His leading.