#TreyErwin #cancer #thattimeofyear #WestClinic #PrayfortheErwins

His Plan or Our Plan.

/ livingthelifeofchrist / Leave a comment

I think we all have struggled with the acceptance of God’s plan in our lives at one point or another. If it is a glowing, glorifying moment, we are not hesitant to proclaim the incident was definitely a part of God’s purpose and plan for our lives. If it is a traumatic situation, we struggle with claiming His plan.

You know I do not believe in coincidence. Yesterday, in two different devotionals, they referred to the purpose for your life. From A Shelter From the Storm:

“In times of depression is it not uncommon for people to question their identity as well as the purpose of life. This confusion could arise from a change in lifestyle or the workplace, deep disappointment, illness, death, and any of a number of factors that shake your stability and tranquility and cause you to sink into a well of helplessness and hopelessness.”

These words ring true for me and my family. February 26, 2012, Jay and I stood at the end of the hallway at LeBonhuer Children’s Hospital and stared out a window as tears steadily flowed. Jay’s repeated words were – I wish it were me and not Trey – why can’t it be me. I said the same thing.

The gastroenterologist came to see us that day and, in my shock, (as we sat on the couch in Trey’s hospital room), I argued with every word he said. He showed me his computer and images of Trey’s body and I told him he was wrong. I told him there was a mistake. I was looking over at Trey laughing with his friends and pointed to him and said, “See! He just doesn’t feel good!”

Not to beat a dead horse, but obviously we know God had other plans for Trey.

A young friend posted on Facebook recently about the loss of her young little boy. She said it was not in God’s plan for her to lose her little boy and she would never believe that. (Paraphrase) I heard the hurt and anger in her post. I immediately felt such compassion and understanding…not defensive at statement. I remember in the shock of the first few days of Trey being in the hospital, I felt the same way. It took time to listen to the Lord and ABSORB His plan. Do you immediately accept His plan?

The journey we are travelling now with Jay’s cancer has been the same, in which my emotions fluctuate daily. I desperately seek God and His goodness in any of this journey I can find, and honestly, His plan. I have voiced my frustration. Jay thought it was at him and it was not. Maybe a control issue? I can’t imagine ME having a control issue! (joke).

I do not know God’s plan in this journey…but do I trust Him? YES

Is He faithful to walk with us when we feel alone? YES

HIS PLAN IS ALWAYS PERFECT. AND I BELIEVE THAT.

PLEASE PRAY:

For Jay as he has started his treatment back today.

Pray that the rash and sores do not raise their ugly head.

Pray for his fatigue and nausea.

Pray for my migraines, please.

Please continue to pray for Mike and Beth O’Neill, Ashley McCrary, Natalie Italiano, and many more suffering with this horrible disease.

WE ARE CLAIMING EPHESIANS 3:20-21

“Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.”

#prayfortheErwins

When Faith and Fear Collide.

/ livingthelifeofchrist / 1 Comment

It’s that time of year…football season. The lull of summer is passing, kids are returning to school, and hopefully the temperature will begin to change bringing a slight breeze for Friday night lights. It has always been my favorite time of the year – even before kids!

I have been a VOL and Memphis Tiger fan since I can remember (football and basketball). How can those two co-exist? They can. Prime example two rivals who both have my heart for different reasons – the Collierville Dragons and the Houston Mustangs.

Trey and Collin played football from the CYAA (youth league) age until high school at Collierville. We are and will always be Dragons. I remember from Trey’s testimony video he said, “I love football. I love football first, playing it, watching it…” I know Trey didn’t mean he loved football more than God, and as parents, we made sure it was not his idol. Proof? I guess showing up at church on a Wednesday night late after practice – sweaty – without a shirt on proved his devotion. Not a bright call on his part, but he was there and Keith made sure he put a shirt on.

I have mentioned many times that the picture below was taken by Roger Cotton, the team photographer, the night the Dragons beat the Mustangs in 2011 (September 2, 2011, won 14 to 6), just months before we found out about Trey’s cancer. Roger captured the excitement just at the right moment. I cannot remember much about that game except that Herman Osteen Field was PACKED on both sides of the stadium…classy versus trashy. I don’t even know how classy v. trashy began, but let me tell you, both schools took it very serious from clothing to hyped trash talk. I’m sure many remember those days! And they were fun for both sides.

Fast forward to Dragon football season of 2012. Trey passed away in July before football season began, but he sure wanted back on that field. When I mentioned before about Trey running into church late after practice, that is one place there was no division between Dragons and Mustangs. Matter of fact, most of his friends at church went to Houston. That made this win (and bragging rights) even sweeter in 2011. But in 2012, the Dragons and the Mustangs came together to honor Trey – August 31, 2012. The Dragons did not win the game. Matter of fact, they lost 24 to 10 and played AT Houston. The quarterback for the Houston Mustangs was Gavin McCrary, the eldest of the McCrary clan, and I am close with the entire family. That was a night, even though the Dragons lost, two teams did co-exist even though the competition was there to win a football game. NOW, maybe this information will help you grasp just a little of my affection for this picture.

I read an article recently about co-existing in our daily lives as Christians. My search was about faith and fear, something I am learning a lot about. I do not question myself about my faith. I have a personal relationship with my Savior that nothing can break. But wait, I have fear; fear of cancer. This is something new for me because I have not experienced this kind of fear. My sister said something very profound last week – we have confidence in God and all that He can do, but we do not have confidence in cancer and it’s ability to go away. The Lord knew we, as His children, would have fear. This is why He so often comforts us. Because He knows that within perfect faith, fear cannot exist, but within our imperfect minds and hearts they can. He wants us to know that simply because we experience fear does not mean we don’t have faith.

So, I ask that you pray for us. Jay is a rock and I am the one afraid; afraid of losing my best friend. When you are a “fixer” and I can’t fix him, frustration is overwhelming. Jay does not like my frustration or where it takes me…with our finances, his health, everyday life, and I understand. Right now, while my fear and faith might co-exist, make no mistake that my God is bigger than any fear I might have, and fear will not rule our lives. It’s a choice.

You are all a blessing to us, and we are very thankful to those who have signed up on our Meal Train and who have donated to our Go Fund Me. We already have enough to pay our smallest bill to West Clinic, which brings such a relief to our daily fight. It has been hard to swallow pride and accept any help given, since so many helped us when Trey was sick. Again, thank you.

“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1

#prayfortheErwins

Tomorrow is a BIG PURPLE DAY!

/ livingthelifeofchrist / Leave a comment

For all our married life, Jay has worn a uniform to work. For years it was scrubs and for the passed 21 years, a uniform for the fire department. I’ve told him countless times that I wish I could wear a uniform to work. Wearing a uniform would make morning decisions SO much easier.

Tomorrow is World Pancreatic Cancer Awareness Day and the ribbon/color which represents Pancreatic Cancer is purple. Why purple? Pancreatic cancer uses a purple ribbon as a tribute to one woman’s love for her mother. A woman named Rose Schneider, whose favorite color was purple, died in 1996 after battling pancreatic cancer for six months. That’s how purple became the color for pancreatic cancer.

Think about Valentine’s Day. What color do you associate with that day? Why RED, of course! It’s a day of love. Thursday, November 16 is no different. By wearing purple, you are acknowledging the love and compassion you have for those who have suffered, succumbed, and are still battling pancreatic cancer. You are saying – I See You!

I see you as you walk through the door for another treatment.

I see you smiling when I know you’re in so much pain that you can’t stand.

I see you when you wish you could eat what everyone is enjoying but you’re afraid to put a bite in your mouth for fear it will go right through you.

I see you as you sit next to the bed of your mother as pancreatic cancer slowly takes her and she can’t respond.

I see you when you cry with your grandfather knowing he only has a few days, but he’s at peace and you’re not.

I watch you maneuver through life without a smile because pancreatic cancer took your best friend, father, son.

I listened as you tried to rationalize the reason God took my baby. I’ve listened countless times. Even knowing God had a purpose for Trey’s cancer, a mother’s broken heart never heals.

I see you. You matter. You are relevant. Your suffering is not in vain. You are loved and we wear purple for all of you; my family, for Trey, for Martha Carol, for Stephanie, for Melanie Busch, for Ruth Ranks and her girls Kelly Ranks Roy and Tracy Ranks Grimmer, for Steve Gilmore and his dad, and for so many of the known and unknown.

My sister, Donna, and I often say, those that scream the loudest get heard. I can tell you that funding for research for pancreatic cancer is not a priority to most. Grants are not available to assist adults with cancer because of government funding. I have thought – I sure wish there was a St. Jude for adults.

Again, November 16, we wear purple for you.  Stand up against cancer – pancreatic cancer. Tell their story. Tell YOUR story-why you wear purple. I’m begging for your support. Remember, those that scream the loudest, get heard!

I challenge you to download or copy this sign for tomorrow. Tag me (or #treyerwin13) and let’s make a difference!

Trauma and Birthdays

/ livingthelifeofchrist / 1 Comment

Happy 27th birthday to my sweet Trey in heaven. When Trey was born, Jay and I were living in a house we had built in Bartlett, had the picket fence, and the chocolate lab, Allie. We were your All-American family – both with booming careers and a newly found church family. It was everything I had dreamed of as a young girl.

As the years went by, tragedy continued to plague our family. We did not buckle under the pressure. If anything, we grew as a couple because we always talked about what we were feeling. Well, maybe I made him talk or listen! He has always listened.

After Trey’s death, finding people who would talk or listen came few and far between. I didn’t understand and I still do not understand, but I am trying. I’m trying to understand why people who were an important part of our family chose to walk away. It has taken me years of tears, prayer, strength, and research to understand this phenomenon.

Recently, I had a conversation with a friend about their part in our journey and I just wanted to know why we were abandoned after his death. I pushed through this hard conversation because after 10 years, I needed to put it behind me. The trauma of Trey’s death has been something our family has had to bear and I just didn’t understand why others were not able to help carry our load. Isn’t that what we are called to do? If someone told you tomorrow that they had a terminal illness-the fight or flight instinct would kick in. What has been baffling is those that fought with us, then took flight. UNTIL I said, no more. Without going into detail to protect our friendship-let me just say it was the healing that was needed…because I spoke up. I knew Trey would not want our relationship to be strained.

It’s hard to think about Trey’s birth without thinking about his death. I have shied away from writing because of fear. Fear that I would offend someone or something might not be biblically right on point, so I stopped writing. I had someone in an online support group remind me that my words might be something someone needs to read or hear. Honestly, I let others dictate how I was feeling. Then I realized, they had not lost their son, I have! So, I’m back!!!!

It wasn’t until I talked to one of Trey’s friends that I realized I was experiencing delayed trauma. Delayed trauma can include persistent fatigue, sleep disorders, anxiety, depression, and avoidance of emotions, sensations, or activities that are associated with the trauma, even remotely. The more I’ve read (after a major panic attack before my second ankle surgery), I have realized that holding in these emotions are not healthy, especially for migraine sufferers! I read this definition of trauma as described by the Allina Health Organization:

“Psychological trauma is a person’s emotional response to a scary, shocking or horrific event or series of events. Traumatic events are unpredictable and can cause overwhelming amounts of stress beyond your capacity to cope. Experiencing trauma can often shake your assumptions about life, your sense of control, feeling safe and trust in others. Losing those fundamental feelings of safety and trust can lead to anxiety and fear. You may even feel like the world is unsafe and unpredictable or question your faith. The overwhelming stress can lead to long-term psychological trauma, and in more severe cases, post-traumatic stress disorder. Any form of psychological trauma can interfere with your ability to maintain relationships, perform day-to-day activities and enjoy your life.”

Wow. Even after eleven years I am still experiencing so many things associated with delayed trauma. What I have realized is that there are hundreds, THOUSANDS of women who have lost their child(ren) that feel the same way! Sometimes we let these fears control our spiritual growth. I have clung to fear, been absolutely stuck in deep muck and mire. Trust me, just because someone is not flowing tears does not mean they are or are not strong. Some of the strongest women emit tears. [EDIT] After I published this post, I went back and read this statement about tears and it didn’t make sense. So to clarify, you might see me crying at some point, during church, with a friend, in a picture…that does not mean I am not strong. And it definitely does not mean it is about TREY! Tears are just my outlet for my emotions. Sometimes my sadness comes out in my attitude. Just ask my husband.

So today, I have cried a little.

I have laughed and smiled a little.

I have hurt a lot.

Most of all, I have realized in this big, messed up world, there are mothers (and fathers) that feel the same way I do. AND there are some that do not have these feelings, and that’s okay! I’ve always said it’s okay to not be okay. I think I’ve been so busy telling others that I did not realize I am not always okay myself.

As simple as this word is from the Lord, it packs a powerful punch – Phil. 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”

Today, Lord, I need your strength. And tomorrow, I will need it more.

Again, happy 27th birthday to my first born. My sunshine. Sorry, buddy, it’s passed my bedtime and I didn’t get a chance to proof this – but I wanted it out on your birthday.

When Circumstances Change

/ livingthelifeofchrist / Leave a comment

June 1, 2023. It has slipped up on us all. SUMMER is here, kids are out of school, and families are going on vacation. There was a time when I was so excited about summer, even though kids were going from one sport camp to another, VBS (either attending or helping), church camp, or scouting trips – with weekends spent at my sister’s pool. How do things change so quickly?

During those years of hustle and bustle, I NEVER thought about a change in the life I had planned for my family. We would always go on family vacations, spend weekends at the pool, including holidays with laughter, hamburgers, and hot dogs. We still have the hamburgers and hot dogs, but somehow, the laughter is missing.

Over the last 28 years, I can say our faith has not wavered, definitely tested, but not wavered. December of 1995 is when Jay was first diagnosed with cancer. I can promise you that it has not slowed him, much to my frustration. His next treatment is next Thursday, and if he didn’t have to work on Friday, he would. He never slows down. His BROTHER did not slow down – he had goals (basketball, high school, college) while battling cancer. Jay’s FATHER still came to watch the boys practice football during his treatments. There is a pattern here. I firmly believe Trey learned from watching his dad, his papaw, and hearing about his uncle. Trey had goals in the midst of his battle. I remember someone asking me at the time why he had a bucket list. That bucket list kept him going. Also, as a result, I see so much maturity in my Collin at age 23.

Over the last year, I have felt myself slip into a depressive state because I have been dealing with an ankle that will not heal after a tendon tear, two surgeries, and soon to be my 7th (no, 8th) cast. Food, television, and a scooter have become good friends of mine. Even during this time, I have been praying for friends that have been suffering from circumstances much worse.

This morning, I noticed in my devotion (which was Trey’s), I had written at the bottom of the page I was praying for the Troike family (Yes, I misspelled Troike). Wyatt was a friend of Collin’s at Collierville and was a patient of St. Jude at the time. Believe it or not, I have never been one for journaling, so the fact that I noted this prayer for the family struck a chord. I am sure at the time, they were struggling with the unknown. It prompted me to jot down who I had prayed for on the way to work. EACH of them are walking a similar path our family has walked…cancer. But we have always known God is in control, His sovereignty, and He is definitely in the details of our circumstances.

Eleven years ago, our circumstances changed with Trey during his battle with cancer. We were told by his doctors his chemo had stopped working and it would be a matter of time. I remember asking, “A matter of time for what?” Even years later, my heart still sinks remembering being told Trey may have until September (2012). I would have never thought he would be gone in a month. But in that one month, he had several procedures that enabled him to make it to the beach with the church and an extended family vacation. There were plans to change his chemo after his return from the beach. That was not God’s plan. This coming month will be another difficult time of reflection.

Whether you are facing cancer or similar circumstance to make you feel defeated, do not let Satan control how you handle the situation. He will manipulate you towards loneliness and entice you down a path of darkness that will not help you when the going gets tough. Well, tougher. Like our Pastor has said, and I paraphrase, “If you aren’t going through tough times now, you will.” We may not know the outcome of our circumstances, but we DO know the guide!

If you need to be encouraged in your current circumstances, I urge you to get the book by Coach Mike O’Neill – Don’t Back Down (on Amazon and in local Collierville stores). Its content is filled with laughter, tears, struggles, uncertainty, hope, but mostly with the Holy Spirit.

Read the scripture again – I heard, but I did not understand. So I asked, “My Lord, what will the outcome of all this be?” Daniel 12:8  I don’t think we will know this side of Heaven. Right now, I’m okay with that and I’m learning to pivot as my circumstances change. Thank you, Ross Geller – character from Friends – PIVOT, PIVOT, PIVOT!

Hey Buddy…It’s that time again :o(

/ livingthelifeofchrist / Leave a comment

Hey Buddy,

You are ever on my mind this week.

Six years ago was beach week.  Did I miss something that could have made you feel better? You had trouble breathing and I couldn’t help.  Your pain had increased tremendously, but I never would have thought your cancer would have spread so quickly.

All the “if I could have’s” and “what it’s” in grief make things so much worse.  Then someone will say to me, “But at least he is not in pain any longer.” Oh buddy, you now me better than anyone and if I didn’t have a whole lot of Jesus, I’d slap the fool out of them.

Three generations. Your Papaw, your Uncle Barry and dad, you and your brother. Cancer doesn’t play fair.

We got a perforated letter in the mail from St. Jude this week.  You know what that means; an appointment for Collin.  I just put it on the refrigerator, told him, and didn’t say anything else about it.  But he misses you.  He is defending your name now.  Collin has come so far.

I know people might be tired of seeing your videos I post, but if they are like me, I can’t hear your voice any longer.  Even though your clothes are still in your drawers, the smell of your skin is gone.  Sometimes, I have to stop and remind myself that you DID exist and you aren’t just a person in a bunch of pictures in my house.

Your dad is fighting hard. He sees the doctor in July to talk about his last round of cancer now that his neck has healed. You know nothing is going to keep him down.  But he’s getting tired.

You’d be so proud of your cousin Becky working at St. Jude in research.  I know there is not a day that goes by that she does not think of you.  And she loves the Kid’s Kafe!  Bobby is a nurse too.  Both of them making sure that people are taken care of for the future.

The future…what does that mean?

I think about research.  I think about our family.  I think how cancer has shortened the lives in our family.  Sometimes, I still get angry that you were only 15.  I know, I know.  I hear you.  It’s okay Mom.  But Trey, I’m a mom and I can be angry sometimes.  I’m not angry at God.  I just get angry at the situation.  What are people doing about it?  Are they working for a cure?

We talked about urgency in bible study and I shared your story.  We had no idea you’d be gone in four months.  That’s how we need to be about sharing about Christ.  Because we do not know how long our neighbor, friends, co-workers are going to be here.  It’s urgent for them to know our Savior.  I’m so thankful you took your faith to an urgent level.

My desire to get to heaven is urgent.  That’s why I understand the ugliness of suicide.  Don’t worry Buddy.  I won’t do that to our family.  But I was at that point after you died and I DID call someone, Papa K.  I DO know that suicide does not determine your eternity.  So many people are hurting in this world.  I’m glad that I am able to talk about it with anyone who needs to talk about it.  It doesn’t make me a bad person.  Geez. You know that!  I could not make it out of bed each day with you gone without my Jesus!  My headaches have been so bad lately, I haven’t made it out of the bed.  You know your daddy is DA BOMB at taking care of me! And COLLIN TOO!

This scripture is stuck in my head that you had highlighted in your bible:

Ecc. 3:11-12 “He has made everything beautiful in its time.  He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.  I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live.”

I’ve taken off work next week and we’ll be together as a family.  Not sure if we’ll do anything.  I might go get some purple balloons for you. Or maroon for Coach Mike! You know he’s doing great!

So for me, buddy, the future is about two things, an urgency for research and Christ.  I hope we can get that message out and young and old will grasp it.

One thing I hope people do is donate to West Clinic in honor of our family. 

Three generations have fought cancer and have been treated by West Clinic.  I can’t think of any other way to honor you this coming week than this.  We need research dollars!  Even small dollars!

Remember the white napkin you posted on Instagram? You are SUCH a bad person! Oh but we laughed and laughed till all our stomachs hurt.  Memaw didn’t think it was funny.  And this was the week you pulled the orange pants story.  So many memories I’ll never forget.  But so much pain that floods my mind and the anger when you knew you had to leave the beach because the cancer had returned.

Know that so many of us are thinking of you this week and next.  It will be such a hard, hard week.  But I think you are preoccupied with Jim Daddy! Weren’t you go happy when you saw him! I told him before he left this earth to tell you how much I loved you.  I hope you got the message.

I love you Buddy, thiiisssss much!  I still have things to do here, but I know I’ll see you soon.  #dogoodwhileyoulive

Click here to donate:

http://fight.westcancercenter.org/goto/lisaerwin

erwin-138-2