I was on my way to work this morning and the song by Chris Tomlin came on – Indescribable.  “Indescribable, uncontainable, you put the stars in the sky and you know them by name.  You are amazing God. All powerful, untamable, Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim.  You are amazing God.”  Those words took me back to yesterday.  The first day I stood at Trey’s grave looking at his headstone.  Many people ask if I go there often.  Actually, no.  That was only the second time since the funeral and the only reason I went was to take a shot for the news segment that is coming on channel 3 on Thursday night at 10.  Not that I don’t want to go, but this forced me to go.  Want to know how we are REALLY doing, watch at 10 p.m., Thursday on channel 3.  Richard Ransom, we just think you are awesome and are blessed by a new friendship.

The reason the words have anything to do with my visit is because I was wired for sound and totally prepared to fall to my knees in brokenness.  Don’t get me wrong.  I was very shaken, very upset, and tears flowed like a river.  But I told the videographer that Trey was not there.  The only thing that upset me was seeing his name, my son’s name.  That’s finality.  When I heard this morning “you put the stars in the sky and you know them by name” I thought, you know my name, you know each hair on my head, you know each thought before I think it, and especially, you know each tear before I cry it.  What a comfort.  You are amazing God.  Yes, awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim.

I think people read my posts, blogs, and think I am amazingly strong.  I’ve said this to my close friends.  I so know how Trey felt.  I am not strong, I am only doing what God is calling me to do.  I am so weak and hanging on by a thread.  I require so much prayer right now.  Panic attacks and chest pains plague me.  Tears at the oddest times embarrass me.  Sadness overwhelms me.  I miss my son.  I can’t say that without crying.  I told a good friend yesterday that I wished I could just snuggle in her arms and cry!  And I know she would let me (Cuz Becky Roberts has that big of a heart!) Someone said to me recently, well, you are putting on a good face.  No, God is giving me undeniable strength that I can’t explain.  I have taken much of the month of October away from church to grieve and handle resting and get things done (grieving with friends, bladder surgery on Friday (thank you Cindy for taking me), decisions for Collin, and many family decisions).  I would like to share more with you now, if I could, but I can’t.  We have much more going on that needs prayer.  Let’s just say the road we are going down and some testing we had done through St. Jude is not over, but only beginning.  We will be able to share more soon.  God is doing some amazing work already.  We love you Dr. Sara Federico!

We took a very difficult trip to Knoxville this weekend without Trey.  Tailgate for the Cure did such a wonderful job in honoring Trey’s memory and giving to St. Jude.  Too bad we couldn’t win the game. ;o)  Jay and I both said ~ Trey’s not here.  You have to know that he consumes our thoughts and we pray by reading the Word that God would consume us.  This is a slow process.  You can see this by watching the news cast from Knoxville at http://downtown.wbir.com/news/news/45590-tailgate-cure-fundraiser-honors-tn-cancer-victim

I’m determined to not let Satan get the best of me, yet I have to realize that some of this is the natural progression of grief. 

Point 5. in an awesome book I just started reading:

* The journey through grief is a long and difficult one, especially for parents whose child has died.  The death is wrong – it is unnatural, it is out of order, it is unfair, it is unfathomable.

* Be compassionate with yourself as you encounter painful thoughts and feelings.  Allow yourself to think and do whatever you need to think and do to survive.

* Don’t judge yourself or try to set a particular course for healing.  There is no single, right way to grieve and there is no timetable.

*Let your journey be what it is.  And let yourself—your new, grieving self—be who you are.

* (Most important) If others judge you or try to direct your grief in ways that seem hurtful or inappropriate, ignore them.  You are the only expert of your grief.  Usually such people are well-intentioned but they lack insight.  See if you can muster some compassion for them, too.

Ending tip – What are you beating yourself up about these days? If you have the energy (and you won’t always), address the problem head-on.  If you can do something about it, do it.  If you can’t, try to be self-forgiving.

What I want to end with is what encouraged me this morning.  How God lifted me beyond the heights that I could reach.  Yes, He can accomplish INFINITELY MORE than we might ask or think.  I am counting on that, believing that, having FAITH He will do it now and in the future in me, Jay and mostly in my precious Collin.  He did it in Trey.  So Trey was 1 in 5,000,000 with a disease.  Like Chris Tomlin’s song says, He put the stars in the sky and he knows them by name.  Do you know how many stars there are? Like we say in our family, Google it!

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. ~ Ephesians 3:20

I have so many Trey’s friends that make me smile – and to you, I am eternally grateful for your love, text messages, instagrams, tweets, fb messages, visits, everything! YOU are a blessing!  Trey was blessed by your friendship and that has kept our family going.  You have no idea how the little things make us smile.  We are planning a new t-shirt.  So watch for it.