Collin and I were on the way home from church today and the song 10,000 Reasons came on the radio. Most of the time, I hold it together, sing along, and that’s it. Today, I decided to just cry and let it go in front of Collin. I mean heaving crying. I saw Collin turn to the window and he stopped singing. At the end of the song, I said out loud, Oh, I miss your brother so much my heart hurts. I asked Collin, do you miss him sometimes? He said, yes. Then, without a word, he helped me get everything out of the car that was mine. That’s not normal. Ha ha. I guess the point to that story is that I feel it is healthy to show emotion and cry in front of Collin. How else are we going to let him know it’s okay to grieve?
That brings me to yesterday. Collin has been on the couch all morning and Jay and I got home in the afternoon and I was ready to crash on the couch. I asked Collin to move from the couch several times and he did not move. Finally, I got an “ALRIGHT” out of him. Parents, you know how that makes your skin crawl. I reached to pop that little mouth out of reaction and he got up real fast. I said, give me your phone and he kept walking. I said give me your phone and he threw it at me (well, tossed it behind him). I told him to not plan on asking for his phone anytime soon. He said he didn’t care. I walked off fuming. Little smartie. He won’t get away with THAT again. I went to Jay ranting! Later that evening as we were leaving, Collin said he was sorry and that he had a bad day. It made me think. He can have a bad day. He hasn’t been crying or expressing anything like I have. I think he is entitled to a bad day. It reminded me of the scripture. Ps. 145:8 “The Lord is gracious and merciful; slow to anger and great in lovingkindness.” SLOW TO ANGER…humm. That’s a novel concept. I have my precious Collin who is dealing with so much, so as he walks down a path that none of us have ever walked, slow to anger is the very least he deserves.
Jay and our family cheered at the St. Jude marathon yesterday. I think there were more people crying that were running that those that were cheering. It was so very special. It was the day that Chris Camp, a firefighter, was to push Trey in a wheelchair during the race, but Trey was not there. Tonight, Chris and his family came over and in a very emotional moment, presented us with his medal that he received from running the marathon in memory of Trey. He asked if we minded that the firefighters run in memory of Trey from now on. We said we are honored. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the firefighters are so special.
Collin has had all of his tests and they are normal. No signs of cancer. But as I have mentioned before, they found Eosinophilic Esophagitis. This is a disease that the esophagus inflames due to the reaction of allergies to foods. We had allergy testing done on Thursday and he is allergic to every kind of food you can imagine – milk, egg yolk, soy, wheat, rice, peanut, you name it. He can have water, beef, and chicken! The doctor wanted him to go on a diet and Jay and I both said there is no way, so we are going the pill route. We hope this will help with many things.
So our just a few reasons boil down to one reason this season, Collin. What are we going to do during Christmas? We don’t know. Will it be hard the next few weeks? Absolutely. Am I looking forward to it? Of course not. I can’t even listen to Christmas music. But Collin did say he was excited about Christmas. I wish I had time off to spend with him at Christmas. Please pray that I can approach work and ask for a day to extend our Christmas together while Jay is off work.
Jay and I might be grieving about one son we have in heaven, but we know we have another son here with us that needs more attention than any one child can be given. This time is also hard on Trey’s friends. Our family recognizes that. We are praying for you. We all will be together closer to Christmas as I plan a party for our high school youth. I don’t care what the house looks like, we just need to be together.
There are days when I feel my strength failing and I wish the end would draw near. That means I would be near to Trey. But God is not finished with our family yet. And he’s not finished with Trey. There are still seeds to plant and gardens to water with God’s word. That does not change that I miss my buddy more than words can express and just getting out of bed each day is the hardest thing I do. Once you’ve experienced a loss like this, you will find that sharing God’s word comes very easy. I am just praying for more opportunities to use Trey’s story for God’s glory.
And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore. . .