Collin and I were on the way home from church today and the song 10,000 Reasons came on the radio. Most of the time, I hold it together, sing along, and that’s it. Today, I decided to just cry and let it go in front of Collin. I mean heaving crying. I saw Collin turn to the window and he stopped singing. At the end of the song, I said out loud, Oh, I miss your brother so much my heart hurts. I asked Collin, do you miss him sometimes? He said, yes. Then, without a word, he helped me get everything out of the car that was mine. That’s not normal. Ha ha. I guess the point to that story is that I feel it is healthy to show emotion and cry in front of Collin. How else are we going to let him know it’s okay to grieve?
That brings me to yesterday. Collin has been on the couch all morning and Jay and I got home in the afternoon and I was ready to crash on the couch. I asked Collin to move from the couch several times and he did not move. Finally, I got an “ALRIGHT” out of him. Parents, you know how that makes your skin crawl. I reached to pop that little mouth out of reaction and he got up real fast. I said, give me your phone and he kept walking. I said give me your phone and he threw it at me (well, tossed it behind him). I told him to not plan on asking for his phone anytime soon. He said he didn’t care. I walked off fuming. Little smartie. He won’t get away with THAT again. I went to Jay ranting! Later that evening as we were leaving, Collin said he was sorry and that he had a bad day. It made me think. He can have a bad day. He hasn’t been crying or expressing anything like I have. I think he is entitled to a bad day. It reminded me of the scripture. Ps. 145:8 “The Lord is gracious and merciful; slow to anger and great in lovingkindness.” SLOW TO ANGER…humm. That’s a novel concept. I have my precious Collin who is dealing with so much, so as he walks down a path that none of us have ever walked, slow to anger is the very least he deserves.
Jay and our family cheered at the St. Jude marathon yesterday. I think there were more people crying that were running that those that were cheering. It was so very special. It was the day that Chris Camp, a firefighter, was to push Trey in a wheelchair during the race, but Trey was not there. Tonight, Chris and his family came over and in a very emotional moment, presented us with his medal that he received from running the marathon in memory of Trey. He asked if we minded that the firefighters run in memory of Trey from now on. We said we are honored. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the firefighters are so special.
Collin has had all of his tests and they are normal. No signs of cancer. But as I have mentioned before, they found Eosinophilic Esophagitis. This is a disease that the esophagus inflames due to the reaction of allergies to foods. We had allergy testing done on Thursday and he is allergic to every kind of food you can imagine – milk, egg yolk, soy, wheat, rice, peanut, you name it. He can have water, beef, and chicken! The doctor wanted him to go on a diet and Jay and I both said there is no way, so we are going the pill route. We hope this will help with many things.
So our just a few reasons boil down to one reason this season, Collin. What are we going to do during Christmas? We don’t know. Will it be hard the next few weeks? Absolutely. Am I looking forward to it? Of course not. I can’t even listen to Christmas music. But Collin did say he was excited about Christmas. I wish I had time off to spend with him at Christmas. Please pray that I can approach work and ask for a day to extend our Christmas together while Jay is off work.
Jay and I might be grieving about one son we have in heaven, but we know we have another son here with us that needs more attention than any one child can be given. This time is also hard on Trey’s friends. Our family recognizes that. We are praying for you. We all will be together closer to Christmas as I plan a party for our high school youth. I don’t care what the house looks like, we just need to be together.
There are days when I feel my strength failing and I wish the end would draw near. That means I would be near to Trey. But God is not finished with our family yet. And he’s not finished with Trey. There are still seeds to plant and gardens to water with God’s word. That does not change that I miss my buddy more than words can express and just getting out of bed each day is the hardest thing I do. Once you’ve experienced a loss like this, you will find that sharing God’s word comes very easy. I am just praying for more opportunities to use Trey’s story for God’s glory.
And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore. . .
12 thoughts on “10,000 Reasons. . .Well, Just a Few”
Lisa, I read this tonight having sung 10,000 Reasons twice today. Everytime I hear that song I think of two things… of course Trey but also my Jackson who is 14. You see when I went to Emory for my second opinion about my cancer I got a text from Jackson with a video attached. Jackson had been playing guitar for about a month. During that time Trey passed away. Jackson had his guitar teacher show him how to play that song. Jackson sent it to me via video while I was in Atlanta going for my 2nd opinion. It was a precious gesture. I would love you to see it because he gets very passionate about playing it. The night before I had my eye removed we sat in my den with my family, my sister, and Dave’s parents while Jackson played we sang along. All this inspired by Trey.
This past Wednesday I had the opportunity to share my story and what God has done since my diagnosis with approx 300 women at a Christmas event in Birmingham at Covenant Presbyterian. Part of my story is my response to when I was told by my doctors that I had a “bad” kind of cancer. I think I told you that as Dave and I sat there taking it all in, I told him, “I don’t know what the Lord wants to teach us during this time, but I want to respond the way the Erwins did… the way Trey did. I want to live this out bringing glory to God.” During my talk, which included a powerpoint presentation, I showed a picture of Trey and your family. I said how much he… you… your family inspired me because you experienced that “peace that surpasses understanding.” I am going to continue to pray for that peace… for you, for Collin, for Jay and for Trey’s friends.
I can’t imagine how your heart breaks daily but rest assured you are being held. He is not only BIG enough to part the Red Sea but He is small enough to let you know YOU are going to be ok. If you have time (and a box of tissue) listen to the song “Small Enough” by Nicole Nordemere. We need to remember this.
In my prayers,
Thank you so much Ashley! I think about you often!
10,000 reasons, Lisa I’ve read your posts starting at the beginning with Carebridge. I’ve told you before how amazing your faith is and what grace your family has shown during unimaginable pain. My heart aches still for all of you but especially you. I told Stephen during Treys initial diagnosis that I didn’t believe I could live if something happened to him or my daughter Lisa (like that name?). He said Mama your faith is strong and you would make it, you would lean on God and get through it. I know I wouldn’t die physically, but I would have trouble going on. Eventhough you have another precious child and a great husband it must feel like a part of you is dying on a daily basis. On this past Thanksgiving I thought of you and Colin. I knew Jay would have been working ( he and Stephen are on the same shift) and there you would be getting through the day. Then I read your post about Thanksgiving and it was exactly as I knew it would be. I wish it was easier and I know in time it will be. I am praying for time to hurry up and let the freshness of this pain become dull. I think of Mary and how she had 33 years to know that Jesus would be taken from her. He had a mission on this earth but truly belonged in Heaven. how long must she have missed Him and grieved for Him. This will be your first Christmas without Trey but Treys first Christmas with Christ. What a celebration that will be for him. And I will be praying it won’t be to hard on you! In Christ Love Sheila
Thank you Sheila. These are some of the worst days I’ve every had. Christmas will be torture because Trey loved it so much.
Lisa you and Jay, and Collin are in my thoughts and prayers everyday. Your honesty about how you truley feel is so real . I don’t really know how you feel but I truley feel for you as a mother myself. I have visited the cemetery where Trey is laid. I want to tell you about my sister her name is Mary she and I are very close. She lost her child a year ago this past April very suddenly . His name is Billy Anthony he was just 31. Your child is always your child no matter his or her age. My sister keeps busy goes to mass everyday . She worries about her husband Big Billy .Billy Anthony and his father were so close they worked together and Big Billy has a lost look in his eyes that I don’t think will ever leave. I don’t know how she copes some days she is so nervous Its hard for her to get through the day.Billy Anthony’s birthday is December the 9th. They had no time to prepare for their son’s death.i don’t know which would be worse to watch your child suffer unbearable or go to bed and wake up to the death of your child.God help everyone through the the Holiday’s. Katie Buff
Mrs. Lisa I have never ran a race quite like St. Jude before, the thousands of people there was truly amazing and I have no doubt in my mind that Trey touched many of those peoples lives both running and not running. When I saw you and Mr. Jay all my pain in my body did not seem to matter anymore because I was not running for myself, I was running for the kids like Trey and Nick Brumfield who couldn’t run anymore because they were in heaven with God. I have been praying for your family every night since everything happened. Your family is so precious and loving God could not have picked a better family to lift up his word. During the race when it seemed I wanted to almost give up I would look down at my wrist and see Trey’s bracelet and then I knew that I wasn’t about to quit the race yet because Trey never quit. I will never forget the impact you and your family has had on my life and each day I try and make the most of everything I can. Merry Christmas and God Bless y’all.
Thank you sweet girl!
Thinking of y’all and keeping y’all in our prayers.
Bob Herring (Glenmore 83), Nancy, & Sophie
My heart hurts for your family, especially for Collin. How lost he must feel. I pray he is able to talk to someone about this…Continued prayers for your family and God’s peace for all.
I think about your family often… My prayers mostly focus on sweet Collin. Please let him know his Tara Oaks art teacher thinks of him!!
I will Aimee! Please pray for him. He’s not doing well in school!
Thought of your family and was praying for you through Christmas. Even though I’m sure it was rough, I know that ultimately you’ll be okay – because you get it. We’re only here for His honor and His glory. You represent that – and even if you have times when it’s hard to keep that at the forefront of your minds when you’re alone; you always come back to that. I am so honoroed to know you through Cyberspace and one day I’ll glance over in heaven and see you with your precious Trey!