This will be short. As I told my Pastor yesterday, I planned trip for Jay for next week with Collin (per his request), and a trip for me for the next week thinking I would be excited and they would occupy my thoughts. I was wrong. Nothing can keep Trey from the forefront of my mind.
Last night I was alone. Jay was working and Collin was still at camp with Central Church. I had to go into Trey’s room to get something. It was just on my mind and I had to get it. I started going through drawers to see if I needed anything else and I kept running across things we had decided to just leave there; t-shirts, socks, personal items, bathing suits, and there were his yellow shorts. His yellow polo shorts that hardly fit him when we ordered them for Hawaii. I just picked them up and before I knew it, I was crying uncontrollably and on the floor next to his bed. His bed…the first time I made up his bed was this week since his death.
Then I went to his t-shirt rack and found his long-sleeve superman t-shirt he wore to high school camp this time last year, and this tie-dye tank that he wore in the picture with his Aunt Donna the week before he died. I don’t know why God took me down this memory road to cry and grieve. It only made for a painful night’s sleep.
I didn’t hear any “It’s going to be okay” from God. All I could do is submerge my face in this t-shirts and try to inhale as much smell as I could. Nothing.
Over the next two weeks I will be working on myself to move the grief process along. I’m not saying that these weeks will be easy. They will be excruciating. I was kidding myself when I thought I could move through this time with my head held high and just go along like nothing was wrong. My son is gone. He will never come back. Never walk in that door, smile at me, and say love you mama. I heard that literally everyday.
Instead, Jay and I will be leaning on each other and taking care of Collin. When we cross your mind, please pray for us. As I have said many times, his presence fills our house in a mighty way, but in many of your lives, he is very much a distant memory. We understand that. It will take time for us to turn the pain into joy. Only with God’s help can we do this. And that’s exactly what I am working on. My identity in Christ, my stronghold, my Rock, my Redeemer. He has never left us and never failed us.
Pray for me on Sunday as I speak at the University of Memphis and that God will lay on my heart the words that I need to say. Thank you all for your prayers for the next two weeks.
For Good…
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I’ve been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better
And because I knew you…
Because I knew you…
Because I knew you…
I have been changed for good.
living the life of christ 
I am still sorry you have had to go through this. I will be more diligent these next two weeks in bringing you and yours to mind and praying for you. Thank you for your posts and ability to ask for what you need. Love to you from another sister in Christ.
I so know your pain…God Bless You My Friend….The grieving process is certainly a winding road…
Oh, Sweetness, my heart breaks for you. Grief is so unique to each individual. What you are experiencing is “normal” for you uniquely. I do not believe you will ever get “over” this, but you will get “through” this. A child is part of their mother; we live and breathe our children. May our God continue to cover you as you walk through this valley of the shadow of death. May He be continue to be constant in your life, may you be reminded of His promises daily, even when you don’t “feel” it. Your precious son is now in the valley of the shadow of LIFE eternal. Your tears of sorrow are saved by God because they are so precious to Him. Perhaps your time alone was not meant for getting your mind OFF of Trey and your deep loss but perhaps the Lord meant the time alone for you to allow yourself to grieve yet once again and to remember your son and every moment He allowed you to spend with him. I am praying for God to continue to hold your heart close to His own. Thank you for being so transparent and sharing your heart. It reminds us to pray, pray, pray. The journey is long and can be exhausting. All my love and prayers, Jane
From your e-mail friend: Every time I would think of my child, Beth, I would call out to my Heavenly Father, please give me peace and comfort, strength and courage. When Trey comes into your mind say GOD HELP ME!!! God was always there for me. You will never get over the loss of a child, you will learn to live with it. I know I have been there. People forget your hurt and go on with their lives and you are still grieving. That to me was the hardest thing. Even tho it has been 47 years I still tell people about my child and how God helped us through the rough times. Boy, have I witnessed through all this for all these years and still witness today!!! I feel Satan sometimes wants us to be miserable and keeps grief always in front of us. That is why I always had to cry to Jesus. Jesus help me!!! You are a precious child of God, he will never forsake you. Here is a big e-mail H U G!!!! In the grip of HIS hands, mimi
You are an amazing person, Lisa, and I am so sorry for your suffering and loss. You’re in my thoughts and prayers, and I know you will get to that place of peace and joy. You are strong, and you are not alone. Much love to you dear one…
My sweet, precious Lisa, Jay and Collin! God has had yall all over my mind lately and I have cried out on your behalf many times and will continue to do so! I believe with all my heart that God is bringing you down this painful road to allow you to grieve for your baby! A mother needs the opportunity to cry, scream, yell with wreckless abandon, to the top of her lungs if she has lost part of herself. You miss Trey! Plain and simple! Nobody has the right to condemn you for that! You are HUMAN my friend! So, give yourself the chance to FEEL how you WANT TO FEEL, WHEN you want to feel it! What a testimony of a young man sooooooooooooo loved by his family! We will see him soon yall! Soon! I Love You the Most on Days that End In “Y”!!!
A smart lady. Crying is something that happens, you’ll cry and keep going and praying and letting folks pray for y’all for the rest of your lives. God Bless each of you in a special way over the coming weeks.
Lisa,
Thanks so much for coming to speak to our group today at the University of Memphis I appreciate your willingness to help the St. Jude’s mission by sharing Trey’s story. I am so glad that your sister and mother were able to come as well! What a birthday present for your mom! As I said in your introduction I greatly admire and respect you! You were great! After the meeting had broken up a lot of people told me that you were the best speaker that they had ever heard. I know that the Lord put the words in your mouth and on your heart. Praise be to God!
Lisa i have read all your comments now and when Trey was ill. I have a message i would like for you when you have time to read. There is a young man living in St. Paul, mn. that had a terrible accident playing hockey. He remind me of your son Trey. He is a religious young man that was paralized playing hockey. It has been a struggle for his family and him. He is so determined to get better and he is working so hard to do that.
His story and his actions reminds me of your son and when you can find the time i would like for you to go on Caringbridge.com and type in “JackJablonski” you can read all about his struggle and how he is encouraging other praralized people to try and get better. I can’t go into the whole story but you can read it and maybe you can find some peace relating to his tragedy and yours.