This will be short. As I told my Pastor yesterday, I planned trip for Jay for next week with Collin (per his request), and a trip for me for the next week thinking I would be excited and they would occupy my thoughts. I was wrong. Nothing can keep Trey from the forefront of my mind.
Last night I was alone. Jay was working and Collin was still at camp with Central Church. I had to go into Trey’s room to get something. It was just on my mind and I had to get it. I started going through drawers to see if I needed anything else and I kept running across things we had decided to just leave there; t-shirts, socks, personal items, bathing suits, and there were his yellow shorts. His yellow polo shorts that hardly fit him when we ordered them for Hawaii. I just picked them up and before I knew it, I was crying uncontrollably and on the floor next to his bed. His bed…the first time I made up his bed was this week since his death.
Then I went to his t-shirt rack and found his long-sleeve superman t-shirt he wore to high school camp this time last year, and this tie-dye tank that he wore in the picture with his Aunt Donna the week before he died. I don’t know why God took me down this memory road to cry and grieve. It only made for a painful night’s sleep.
I didn’t hear any “It’s going to be okay” from God. All I could do is submerge my face in this t-shirts and try to inhale as much smell as I could. Nothing.
Over the next two weeks I will be working on myself to move the grief process along. I’m not saying that these weeks will be easy. They will be excruciating. I was kidding myself when I thought I could move through this time with my head held high and just go along like nothing was wrong. My son is gone. He will never come back. Never walk in that door, smile at me, and say love you mama. I heard that literally everyday.
Instead, Jay and I will be leaning on each other and taking care of Collin. When we cross your mind, please pray for us. As I have said many times, his presence fills our house in a mighty way, but in many of your lives, he is very much a distant memory. We understand that. It will take time for us to turn the pain into joy. Only with God’s help can we do this. And that’s exactly what I am working on. My identity in Christ, my stronghold, my Rock, my Redeemer. He has never left us and never failed us.
Pray for me on Sunday as I speak at the University of Memphis and that God will lay on my heart the words that I need to say. Thank you all for your prayers for the next two weeks.
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I’ve been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better
And because I knew you…
Because I knew you…
Because I knew you…
I have been changed for good.