As a mother, you still hear his voice.
As a mother, you still see his face, especially in your 15 year old.
As a mother, you hear his laughter.
As a mother, you dream about him at night.
As a mother, you are startled because you thought you heard his footsteps realizing it was the dog.
As a mother, you wonder if he would have chosen to go with friends to college or gone to the college of his dreams.
As a mother, you wonder would he have battled with his Christian values.
As a mother, every song is about him.
As a mother, you still can’t remove the clothes from his closet so you slowly give them to friends.
As a mother, you can’t clean his room so his knick knacks, bible, pictures, yearbooks, stuffed animals all stay where they were left on his dresser.
As a mother, you still carry 3,000 pictures of him on your phone thinking one of them will be different one day, knowing they are all the same.
As a mother, much like mothers who are barren, look at happy families longingly to have what they have. Then you remember, you did at one time.
As a mother, when you are asked, “How many children do you have?”, you still say two.
As a mother, every text you receive from one of his friends is cherished.
As a mother, even though your precious one is gone, you have one that needs just as much love.
As a mother, you wonder when will the day come that people will forget the name Trey Erwin.
As a mother, you still have his phone active so his friends can still call and hear his voice.
As a mother, whether it’s the 10th or 100th time you hear 10,000 Reasons, you are taken back to being in bed with him knowing he was slipping to Jesus and begging in your heart for God to let him stay, just one more day.
And people may wonder…
Why does this mother keep posting his picture to Instagram?
Why does this mother keep tweeting about him?
Why does this mother mention him on Facebook?
Why did she spend countless hours pouring over pages to write a book?
Simple. So maybe, just maybe, another mother will not have to feel what I feel. So MAYBE St. Jude or the researchers at Cold Spring Harbor Institute can find some answers to the P-16 gene and there will be answers for Collin. So MAYBE, there will be no more tears BEFORE death.
Awareness. Pancreatic Cancer. There is no cure. There is no EARLY detection (unless you are VERY lucky). In my family, three are dead as a result of this gene, we believe.
As a daughter-in-law, a sister-in-law, and a mother, I will NEVER stop fighting for awareness. I want to be a grandmother one day. I want to see Collin succeed in life and not worry about his next St. Jude appointment. I will NOT stop talking about my son’s battle and his faith. In ten years, I will STILL be talking about Trey Erwin and how God used him to touch many lives and I pray God will still be using pancreatic cancer, but in a different way. I pray in 10 years there will be stories of adequate testing and cures and this mother did not watch her son be poked with needles in his back and side multiple times while holding his hand for nothing.
This is why I shout, “WEAR PURPLE!” So someone will ask, “Why does everyone have on purple today?” And you can say, “To bring awareness of the horrible disease pancreatic cancer and it’s need for research funding.”
If you think we do not need prayer, you are wrong. If you think we do not need consoling words of hope, you are wrong. If you think we do not need hugs, you are wrong. If you think we do not need love, you are wrong. If you think we feel this oddness of not belonging, you are wrong.
As a mother, I lost a son who came in at night and sat on my bed and talked about his day.
As a mother, I lost a son who actually communicated with me by text.
As a mother, I lost a son who really apologized when he was wrong.
As a mother, I lost a son who I personally prayed with to receive Christ.
As a mother, I lost a son who was different. He loved Jesus.
As a mother, I not only lost a son…but because of his maturity, I lost a best friend.
Don’t think of me and feel sorry for me. God is always in control. Think of me and pray for us and wear purple.
That, my friend, is why I wear purple. I wear purple for my son. Trey Erwin.
Will you accept the challenge to wear purple with me on November 13 or anytime in November?