“I’m Just Being Used by God,” he said.

I took this pic while laying in bed last Saturday morning. It was a day I knew I would be able to sleep a little later. It’s odd how as I get older, I sleep longer. I’ve never been a late sleeper. So, I was a little perturbed that the sun was shining straight down in my eyes. Well, a lot perturbed. I was ready to post this and complain about the sun in my eyes.

For some reason, the picture was immediately absorbed with the rest of my 10,000 pictures on my phone and I didn’t think about it again…until now. I’m sitting here watching basketball and deleting pictures and there – look. See it?

It’s been a hard week for many reasons. Honestly, I’ve wrestled all week with the build up of memories from 11 years ago, not slept well (vivid nightmares), been frustrated with myself at work (perfectionist failure 🙄), and overwhelmed by a busy schedule that I created for myself. I found myself grabbing my devotion book at work around 10 am today thinking to myself, “Oh, I got to get this in!” I assumed God would use my speed reading to soak the words right off the paper into my soul. A hurting, grieving soul.

I worked a little late last night and drove Collin’s car home from work for Jay to take to the shop. I didn’t have my church choir CD to listen to, so I found myself praying…for friends with cancer, my friend Ashley, healing, my husband, my sweet son, the woman that God has for Collin, and for my sister and the group to return from their cruise safely. I vividly remember asking God to speak to me because I told Him that I felt I have not had anything encouraging to say in order to write a blog. I begged to be used. I asked Him why people are drawn to someone else’s trauma. I didn’t expect an answer. Jay and I have been talking about trauma addiction lately and it is just another struggle I’ve dealt with – and watched a sweet girl deal with the realization that Trey’s death has caused trauma in her life.

I asked the Lord, with no hesitation, to always use my words and actions for His glory. I kept asking to be used, like a mantra – use me, use me. When you pray to be used, are you afraid of just how God will start moving in your life? I am. I know Trey asked to be used. Sometimes I wonder…well…I can’t go there right now. When I prayed last night, I actually said out loud, “Now God, I don’t need anything drastic.” You might ask how I remember praying this. I was driving down Poplar Pike and just crossed over the railroad tracks in front of Germantown High School. I brought myself back around to the fact that I WAS driving, needed to pay attention, and was thankful a train wasn’t coming because I sure wasn’t looking! I was too busy giving God my request list.

I am in choir at Germantown Baptist Church and we are preparing to record a CD next Monday and Tuesday. I have worked so hard to memorize the songs by listening to the alto track. My essential tremors make it difficult to hold the music and I know how important the sound of turning pages can be in a recording. Last week, words from one of the songs spoke to me and I sent them by text to my friend, Anna Wakefield. I remember her saying in rehearsal it was one of her favorite songs we are singing. As I looked at this picture, as if for the first time, I finally saw the cross through the sunbeam. Immediately these lyrics came to my mind.

“Lift your head,
Morning is coming; there’s more to the story.
Don’t forget; in grief and in glory,
Still great is His faithfulness.
He is Present Helper, Keeper; great is His faithfulness.
Perfect, Sovereign, Fortress, great is His faithfulness.
Abba Father, Comfort, great is His faithfulness.
Redeemer, Restorer, Sustainer, great is His faithfulness.
Wait on Him, rest in Him, come find your peace again.
Trust in Him, hope in Him; great is His faithfulness!”

Oh, how these lyrics pierce my heart. He speaks to me most when I worship with an openness to allow Him to be everything He promises in His Word. My Comforter. My Restorer. But more than these things, the promise that because of His sacrifice, morning IS coming and there IS more to MY story. Maybe God DOES write my list of requests on HIS heart with a smirk saying, “Lisa, remember who I am! Come find your peace in me.”

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