“I can’t see through mud.” That is a phrase I have used and it has definitely been used on me. It can be irritating when someone is standing in front of you and you’re trying your best to see around them. There are times that nothing can be said except, “Excuse me.” Hopefully the hint is well taken.

For the last couple of weeks I have felt down and disappointed. God actually told me NO! Can you believe that? I think I’ve been in shock and I know, very hurt. When God closes a door on plans you’ve made that you think were also His plans, it can affect you in many ways. For me, it was unexpected. I have wallowed in this disappointment even though I know God always has better plans.

How often do we choose to wallow in our disappointment, sadness, and yes, even our grief. We want to own it like it belongs to us.

I realized on the way home from church tonight that I was muddy. I actually felt muddy. You know, that good ole’ dried, caked on mud. There have been so many questions I have been asking God over the last several weeks, not finding answers, and I remembered His words.

“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” Galatians 2:20

How can I live for Christ and expect others to see Him in me if I am muddy? Accepting God’s will for our lives is hard and I have to remember that I can’t wallow in the disappointments life will bring.

Life brings change. Change takes time. Acceptance takes time. With time springs hope.  Christ is our hope.

Yes, I will still wallow. I held back tears all day today. Tears can cause migraines! But those tears are ones that Jesus catches. I will choose to live another day clean by the blood of my Savior. Do you realize His tears on the cross is what makes us clean and we muddy ourselves on our own?

Tonight, I am thankful I can come to my Savior, give him my disappointment, wash off this mud, and pray that tomorrow someone will see Jesus in me.

Jesus, see through me. Wash me clean, even when I grieve.

Lord, I never want to take for granted coming before your presence or especially the platform you have given me to share Jesus.  My heart desires to write and I can’t put words on paper.  Everything that comes to mind brings me back around to prayer before you.  Please honor my words as a sweet sacrifice.

God, I was honest when I asked Shawn why would you lead me to Central only to put me in the middle of another tragedy with a student that has had such a huge impact on a youth group, a school, and a community.  My hurt is still so raw and it hurts when people say, “Haven’t you gotten over that yet?” The only soothing balm for my heart is knowing that Grant and Trey are at your feet.

OH GOD! You know there are days that I just sit and stare into space thinking of my boy and remember all the events surrounding his short four months of pancreatic cancer and still so many questions come to my mind.  So many questions that I know will never be answered this side of heaven.  Why Trey Erwin at age 15? Why Grant by a car accident at age 17? But how do we help children understand a grieving process for their friend when I cannot grasp it sometimes for my own son.

My head and my heart knows Romans 8:28 like the back of my hand and I repeat it like I’m convincing myself of your mighty power. “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”  I am begging you to help the youth find your purpose in the midst of tragedy.

The question on their minds is why not healing? Oh how I begged and prayed to you for Trey’s healing.  Trey understood better than his mama because he knew he was gaining eternal life and I was losing his on earth.  If only we could be so wise.  Gaining Grant so instantly doesn’t give us answers, only confusion. Lord, the kids are drowning in grief for their buddy and classmate.  Only you can orchestrate to put someone in their path that will comfort when they need to know that Grant’s precious life served your purpose.  It’s just something we have a hard time accepting because you made us human.

I cannot fathom how you created every living creature on the earth and made each one of them different in some way.  It reminds me of how each of us are different and we will grieve differently.  Lord, so many of Grant’s friends cannot concentrate for school, they cannot do their homework, parents do not understand their children as they grieve, and they themselves do not understand their own grieving.  How can I help, Lord?  You have put me here for a reason.  Help their anger, frustration, hurt, confusion, and dry their tears knowing you catch EVERY tear.

Our Almighty Jehovah-Rapha, our Lord who heals our hurts, our bodies, our souls; come into the midst of your people and heal these children.  I can only kneel before you in truth knowing their hurt is so real.  So many may not believe that you are the Healer.  “For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him.” 2 Chron. 16:9  Strengthen us and bind us together.  Guide us to know how to comfort our children.  Speak to parents so they may bridge the gap and comfort their children.  God, I’ll confess, and I ask forgiveness.  I really want to pop some insensitive people.  Just because our children or friends are in heaven doesn’t make it easier for us on earth.  Help us to drop our boundaries and rely on each other through your guidance.

I miss my boy, Lord.  This time of year is the worst.  I can only beg you again to put a hedge of protection around my family and those families that have lost people they love.  I think of Ron and Susan who will be facing their first Christmas without Austin.  Grant’s family without him will be so quiet.  The only consolation this time of year brings me is that if your son, sweet baby Jesus, had not been born, he would not have been able to die for our sins to bring us eternal life.  Help us to remember your gift to us this season, your son.  And when the kids are sad, remind them during this time of year of the fun times they had with Trey, Grant, Austin, and many other loved ones.

God, I come back around to understanding grief.  I’ll never understand it and I’ll never stop crying out for Trey who took such a large part of me when he left this earth.  There is so much tragedy in this world and my heart aches to be with you so there will be no more pain and suffering.  And I’m selfish, I’ll be with my boy.  In the meantime, I claim your word, “The name of the Lord is a strong tower; The righteous runs into it and is safe.” Prov. 18:10

Lord, I especially thank you for what you have brought me lately and how you have blessed me.  Thank you for the rich, new friendship I have (she knows).  Bless us that we might be mighty warriors for your kingdom and your glory.

If it be your will, I ask that you cause a sweet revival of precious souls for Christ in light of the fact that Grant knew you as his Savior.  As for an answer to our grief, that should be enough.

Yes, Lord, oh that it should be enough.  You are our Savior and I thank you for saving a wretch like me.  I got out of bed again today precious Jesus.  And I praise you, today, headache-free.

Hear the cry of my heart, Amen.

For the last week I have caught myself switching the radio station from The Message on Sirius XM to the ‘80s on 8 station.  We had to drive Collin’s Jeep home from Cabot, Arkansas, and if someone saw me in the car, I would have been so embarrassed.  When Jungle Love came on, I was movin’ all over that front seat!  This morning, Rick James came on and I know I was flying toward downtown singing “Super Freak, she’s super freaky yeah…”  All I know is that my mood changed and I was be-boppin’ into the office.

I often talk to Collin about the music he chooses.  If you listen to some of the rap lyrics, they will make your toes curl.  But like Pastor Rick said this past Sunday, we have become numb to our sins.  NOT that music is a sin, but what the music creates in our heart and our head, such as lustful thoughts, anger (I call it anger music), and definitely sexual thoughts.

But I had to stop and think about the music from the 80’s.  Was it much different then?  I googled the lyrics to Jungle Love this morning and I was SHOCKED.  Of course, when I was young in the 80’s, I didn’t bother to know all the lyrics.  I just knew it was good music for dancing and I did my share of dancing in the 80’s.  Thinking back, I’d probably break a hip now.

My point is, do our kids actually know the music that is going in their ears?  If we could get their playlist and print the lyrics and ask them, “Would you hand these lyrics to Jesus?” I wonder what they would say and if they would be convicted.  I could go even broader, what about adults? Kids aren’t the only culprits.  It boils down to is it edifying and glorifying God?

“Geez Ms. Lisa, you’re being so picky.”

Just think.  God knows the thoughts of your past and the thoughts in your future.  How mind blowing is that?  More than mind blowing, it is intimate. God is intimate in his relationship with you.

When you sing the lyrics, can you sing them to God?

“That’s being a bit literal, Ms. Lisa.”

I think God is very intentional in his word when it says,  ^“—for you shall not worship any other god, for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God—“ Exodus 34:14.  Personally, I would rather not suffer the wrath of God for silly mistakes and something I chose when I know better.  I firmly believe what’s in your heart comes out of your mouth.

I distinctly remember the conviction of a young lady who was in the youth group at Germantown Baptist.  Her parents battled the music in her life.  They chose to pray over her.  Our battle is not our children and we know that.  Eventually, and I’ll never forget this, she stood before the youth and confessed of her addiction to unhealthy music and was getting rid of her music from her different devices she felt convicted her.  It made an impression on my heart that still is there today.  Now, she is an adult making BIG GIRL decisions.

So I have to do better.  I have to make better choices to be a better example.  We are not going to be perfect, any of us.  But I do believe we should strive to be more like Jesus.

Join me in fighting the fight. “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.” Eph. 6:12

Their family seems so perfect, always smiling, laughing.  I never hear of complaining from that family either.  Yet I walk around with my head down and doubts swirling. I’m out of place. I keep asking myself, I know my family is not normal, but when will we be happy?  Is happiness possible?  All these questions in my head!  I’m going MAD!

A friend enlightened me to a few things.  It didn’t matter how many times my friends had told me not to let satan have control, or how many times I had quoted John 10:10 to myself (“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.”), it finally struck home when he said, “… you aren’t the only parent who feels feelings and thoughts like you are experiencing – don’t buy into the lie of isolation.”

Satan has convinced me that I am alone, fighting alone, and struggling raising my child alone.  This is simply not true.  I can still feel alone in a crowd, but I know God can fill a space that no one on earth will ever fill.  That’s the lie that satan tells teenagers.  He does steal and destroy, not only teenagers, but adults also.

How can we be examples to our teenagers? Of course, our first resource is to pray and pray intentionally. (Just go see the movie War Room.) But secondly, we must choose joy.  I posted a scripture from Psalms today that convicted me.

“If you’ll hold on to me for dear life,” says God,

“I’ll get you out of any trouble.

I’ll give you the best of care if you’ll only get to know and trust me.

Call me and I’ll answer, be at your side in bad times;

 I’ll rescue you, then throw you a party.

I’ll give you a long life, give you a long drink of salvation!”

So, how much am I trusting God to get me out of trouble?  Will He rescue me and my family as we suffer?  I want a party! I want the BEST of care.  Who can give that to me? MY GOD CAN! Who can send satan running? I CAN! Not only from me, but from my teenager who I believe battles more of life than I do at times. You have this same power and control over satan, loneliness, and fear.

God, I’m holding on for dear life.  My family is STILL holding on for dear life.  There are days we feel the walls closing in around us and there is no way out.  I know others must feel this way, but why do I feel alone?  Help others be as transparent as I am being.  Help others know how to pray for and with me.  Remind them that I still miss my baby boy who is in your care.  We are all your children.  I don’t like masks, Lord.  Why do people wear them? Bind satan and his masks from me and my family.  Rescue us from fear and pain.  Lord, watch over my little sparrow and keep him safe.  He’s my only baby left.  Don’t let him feel alone. Amen.

Satan, you have no hold on this family.  No hold.  I refuse to feel alone.

“Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.” James 1:2-5

Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heav’n and home,
When Jesus is my portion? My constant Friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I sing because I’m happy, I sing because I’m free,
For His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

“Let not your heart be troubled,” His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,
When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies,
I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Oh dear friends…

Satan is at work in our world every minute, every hour of each day.  He will use every tool in his bag of tricks to create division in the house of God.  Lately, I have been involved in discussions that have led to bitterness as the root of a problem.  The more I have thought about the discussions, it has led me to think about how actual bitterness begins.

Seeds of bitterness take root gradually.  The roots grow into the ground like a weed.  How many of you have tried to pull a stubborn weed out of your yard? Sometimes, they just do NOT come up by the root and you end up giving up, grabbing the clippers and snapping that baby off!  But does cutting the weed solve the problem of the root?  Absolutely not!

Hebrews 12:15 says, “See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”  Wow.  So the root of the weed spreads and causes trouble.  BAM! Trouble! I thought I got that weed.  I know I forgave that person.  It’s been months, maybe even years ago.  How did I know that the weed could go domant and show up when it wants to destroy relationships?

I was presented with a situation with bitterness spewing and my heart hurt.  I know there is nothing I can do but pray for the situation to resolve itself in time, pray for those involved, and pray that bitterness is revealed.  How can there be fruit from a vine intertwined with weeds of bitterness? It is impossible.

Weeds choke a vine.

John 15:1-5 “I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. ² Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit, He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit, He prunes it so that it may bear more fruit. ³ You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you. ⁴ Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you unless you abide in Me. ⁵ I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing.”

“…apart from Me you can do nothing.” That includes forgiving.  I ran across the book When You’ve Been Wronged by Erwin W. Lutzer (good name) and he suggested the five following ways to respond to bitterness and being wronged.

1. Choose to live in the present and not in the past.
2. Choose to free those who have injured you.  Forgive without even discussing the past.
3. Remember that in the injustice, God is present.  When God permits evil, He will use it for some higher end. We can move beyond our past when we can embrace it as part of His good plan.
4. Choose to bless those who have wronged you.  Blessing those who have wronged you has the power to set you free.
5. Choose not to retaliate! Vengeance is God’s business, not ours.

Lastly, in Matthew, “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Matt. 6:14

I cannot believe school starts next week and my Collin will be a sophomore.  My prayer for Collin is that he will live each day learning how to forgive.  I pray for the people he comes in contact with that they will be loving and kind, not bitter and angry.  I pray for my wonderful, paramedic, firefighter husband as he deals with people on the street that his heart will continue to remain soft and kind to those in need.  I pray for myself that as I walk into my workplace each day, I shine the light of Jesus and not a bitterness of anger and grief.  That is hard a lot of days.  But I have to remember what scripture says, “…apart from Me you can do nothing.”

Be the hands and feet of Jesus today.

Hey Buddy!

Well, I remember sitting at St. Jude 3 years ago watching fireworks on TV while you tried to sleep. I remember being so upset as I watched local news and fireworks into the night and wondered how could so many be celebrating when we knew you didn’t have much time left. Yet there your dad and I sat, alone in that room with you with our glow bracelets.

Tomorrow will be another hard day without you. I can’t explain my heart to anyone. I pray for Jesus to come back everyday so my heart will be whole again. And we’ll be a family again. I know God has so many things to do before that time.

I’ve read so many books and talked to so many preachers about you in heaven. I’ve received so many different answers and I really have conflicting thoughts on what the bible says. Hebrews 12:1 talks about “a great cloud of witnesses” and in a book I read by Randy Alcorn, he seems to think you can see me. If you can, you would see how sad I am. I remember when you broke down with me twice and both times it was because you were worried about us after you were gone. I guess you had a right to worry even though I told you not to worry.

I just didn’t know what we were going to face. Now I’m trying to help others and be honest with them and prepare them before their children leave them. It’s a nightmare buddy. A dream I wish you would walk in and wake me up from.  Instead, I just don’t get much sleep at all.

Since the last time I wrote, we have a new church family.   We are at Central now and Collin has spread his wings. We needed this. I miss our GBC friends, but buddy, we are being loved and they are crying with us and you are still there.  I’ve been saying for months, it doesn’t matter where you worship, we are all one body of Christ. We’ll ALL be in heaven together one day!

Remember how I laid next to you in bed and whispered about all our vacations, well we went back to Hawaii. I saw you in everything. I hope in that deep sleep before you went to Jesus you heard everything I whispered to you because I couldn’t take it if you didn’t know just how much I love you and was going to miss you.

Tomorrow, when we sing The Stand, my mind will go back to so many times I watched you worship with your hands in the air in praise to God. My promise is that during worship I will be one with God and you in praise as we sing 10,000 Reasons, The Stand, and prayers for Anna Wakefield as she sings your request for your celebration Your Great Name at GBC tomorrow.

When asked in Hawaii on a tour if there was one person I could have dinner with who would it be…I said you.

“Because I knew you, I have been changed for good.” From Wicked, your favorite Broadway musical. I wish everyone would have been able to know your tender, true heart for the Lord and the love for your family and friends. I’ve been changed because I knew you, my son.

 

 

Four months.  Four long months of battling morning sickness nausea, but no baby.  It hits the same time every morning between 8 and 9 a.m.  I’ve been living on Zofran for four months each day.  One month I thought it was from a leftover upper respiratory infection, along with the cough.  Then I began to think it might be my hormone and called my gynecologist.  She said no and sent me to a gastroenterologist.  “Sure, I’m only leaving for Hawaii in TWO WEEKS!”

I had not been eating and noticed my clothes were getting a little looser.  I had a check up with my neurologist and they asked all the normal questions and I told him of this unexplained nausea and cough.  He immediately said, I think you probably have Gastroparesis.  Gastro what? He told me it can be from over narcotic use in migraine sufferers.  (I thought, oh great, another reason to put on my medical record if I need to go to the ER.)  I still wasn’t comprehending what he was telling me.  I told him I already had an appointment with my gastro doctor and would fill him in when I heard something.

I saw WONDERFUL Dr. Farooq at Gastro One the day before we left for Hawaii and without doing the endoscopy, he told me the same thing.  “It’s either Gastroparesis or and ulcer, and they sometimes present the same way.”  I was scheduled for an endoscopy after Hawaii and realized I had lost about 10 pounds and was not feeling “Hawaii bound” even after a bag of IV fluids.  That night Jay asked, “Do you still want to go?”

If you have seen my Hawaii pictures, there was one of me in the hotel room in the bed.  Jay snapped this after a rough morning of trying to eat (oatmeal) and unfortunately seeing my food again.  I had not thrown up to this point with this stuff.  And we were about to get on a BOAT! Praise the Lord, He saw me through the rest of our journey without any vomiting! But when we returned, my endoscopy did not end well.

What in the world is Gastroparesis? I’m talking about this because 1) I need information from people I trust, and 2) I can always use your prayers.  Here is the information I have learned:

Web MD states “Gastroparesis is a condition in which your stomach cannot empty itself of food in a normal fashion. It is caused by damage to the vagus nerve, which regulates the digestive system. A damaged vagus nerve prevents the muscles in the stomach and intestine from functioning, preventing food from moving through the digestive system properly.” Just like with a limb which has paralysis due to nerve and muscle damage, there is no cure for Gastroparesis. Gastroparesis patients have to rely on symptom management alone to aid in managing their Gastroparesis symptoms.

Gastroparesis symptoms are on a day-by-day basis. Gastroparesis can severely affect the quality of life of the person suffering from it. Frequent trips to the emergency room and doctor’s office visits become a normal routine. Due to a lack of medical research and awareness, it’s a common misconception that Gastroparesis is a rare condition. Gastroparesis symptoms include Early Satiety (feeling full after just a few bites), heartburn, weight loss, weight gain, abdominal bloating, abdominal pain, diarrhea, constipation, erratic blood glucose levels (mainly in diabetes), lack of appetite, gastric reflux, spasms of the stomach wall, malnutrition,  chronic nausea, vomiting (often of undigested food), and an inability to tolerate dietary fats.  Luckily, Jay knew of Gastroparesis when I was diagnosed because of his diabetic patients he transports.

As stated by the Mayo Clinic “There is no cure for Gastroparesis. Making changes to your diet may help you cope with Gastroparesis signs and symptoms, but that’s not always enough. Gastroparesis medications may offer some relief, but some can cause serious side effects.” There are only 3 oral medications currently for the treatment of Gastroparesis and those are Domperidone, Reglan, and erythromycin.  Domperidone is a non-FDA approved drug in the United States and side-effects include lactation, a rapid heart rate that can sometimes lead to sudden death, dizziness, and trouble sleeping. Reglan is sold in the United States but crosses the blood-brain barrier and causes Tardive Dyskinesia (an incurable disease that causes jerky movements to the limbs, head, tongue, and face similar to that of Parkinson’s disease). Dr. Farooq warned me about this and I have already had a few tremors with the Reglan.  Erythromycin is a low does antibiotic that is sometimes used to treat Gastroparesis but few doctors prescribe it because its side-effect include the very symptoms that Gastroparesis patients try to get rid of – NAUSEA.  I have not been able to take Emycin for years and is on every doctors list of medications in which I am allergic.

Gastroparesis is a long-term chronic illness that affects the way those with Gastroparesis live their lives. A NORMAL healthy diet consists of fresh fruits and vegetables, food that’s high in fiber and a good amount of exercise. Those with Gastroparesis however, CANNOT digest foods that are high in fiber or high in fat because Gastroparesis causes a delay in how the stomach functions. When food that’s difficult for the body to digest is eaten (such as fresh fruits, fresh vegetables, and food that’s high in fat) it slows down gastric motility. When someone with Gastroparesis eats foods that are high in fiber and high in fat it furthers the delay in Gastric motility and can cause serious food masses, food poising (due to food rotting in the intestines).  I have endoscopy pictures to prove it.  Think of this – no more salads.  Lettuce is one of the hardest foods for your stomach to digest.  Eating specific foods and some forms of herbal treatments without consulting a GI physician can be dangerous and can lead to deadly consequences. Many of those with Gastroparesis don’t just struggle to digest food, but they struggle to digest liquids as well and end up having to resort to feeding tubes or TPN (intravenously fed through the blood stream).  Oh, remember TPN? That was Trey’s favorite.  You’d have to tie me down before you put me on TPN!

So here I am.  Left with a specific and very limited diet, medication that makes me feel like a slug, but at least I have an answer.  I am thankful for a very, very understanding and wonderful, knowledgeable husband.  Just to think that God blessed me so many years ago with this Godly man and knew that he would go into the medical profession and how I would need his tender heart.  I am overwhelmed.  This also might be a blessing in disguise because it might cause both of us to eat healthier foods but in a different manner than most families. Fiber and fats are not my friends.  I covet your prayers for my new lifestyle, my frustrations, and that of my family.

Never thought I’d say…I’m not that hungry.

#pikotopshidebloat #greenforgastroparesis  #learningtosayNO #notubesplease

Phil. 4:13 “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me!”  Because Jesus Loves Me!!!

(Written in Hawaii last week)
As I sit here and look at the beautiful clouds covering the Pacific Ocean in Kauai, Hawaii, I see in the distance a lighthouse that stands majestically on what seems to be a large mound of lava rocks. I have seen this same lighthouse before in 2010 when Jay and I first took this cruise to Hawaii. I don’t think I ever noticed how alone the lighthouse looked until now.

Kauai is a beautiful, lush island filled with rain forests and spectacular beaches. Not to mention roosters have free reign of the island also. I’ve learned so much on this my third trip about the agriculture, the people and their heritage, and how every island is different, yet their history makes them the same in a unique way.

As I laid on the beach this afternoon and viewed the lighthouse, I began to think of how our Christian lives should mimic the duties of a lighthouse. We are also like the islands, God made us in image, yet we are all walking different maturity paths.

One of the sole purposes of a lighthouse is to shine light so that passing ships will know where there is land. Land represents foundation. If we shine the light of Jesus, are we not telling others about the foundation we have in Christ?

I remember our second trip to Hawaii with Trey and Collin for Trey’s Make A Wish. We scheduled professional pictures at the Admiral’s home of the Coast Guard. On his property was a working lighthouse. Trey HAD to climb to the top and the photographer followed. I vividly remember how very hot it was at the top of the lighthouse. The bulbs for the lights where huge and must have been for the entire coast of Oahu! Well, it seemed like it.

When we climbed down, we were all very tired. Was it from the heat? I’m not sure, but do you ever get weary of shining your light and just want to say, “I give up!” Let’s be honest, I think we all have been there. Someone’s light is always shining brighter than another.

Following Christ is not about emotional highs and lows or of who can outshine the other. It is about staying true to your foundation…your lighthouse…Jesus. In John it says, “Jesus said, “For a brief time still, the light is among you. Walk by the light you have so darkness doesn’t destroy you. If you walk in darkness, you don’t know where you’re going. As you have the light, believe in the light. Then the light will be within you, and shining through your lives. You’ll be children of light. Walk by the light.” John‬ ‭12‬:‭35-36‬

Yes, this was our third trip to Hawaii but I went with the attitude of opportunity. Whether someone asked about my tattoo (and if you’ve been to Hawaii, everyone has a tattoo) OR if it was to ask why the multiple trips. I even was able to share many times that Collin was not with us because he wanted to go on two church camps that would conflict with the trip. Many where amazed. Bottom line, I was bold. Was it easy? No. Telling of how God was glorified in my son’s death and how Hawaii is his special place was never easy. But somehow, they always wanted to know more. Give me an open door and I’ll walk through it…walking by light.

If you drive by our house this next week, many days it will be dark, much like today’s lighthouses. The modern lighthouses have been converted to be automatic and do not require a lighthouse keeper. Even though I will be putting myself on auto this next week, I can guarantee you that the lighthouse keeper is in our home to comfort me and our family. It will be another hard year. Just stop for a moment, just one. Okay, it’s your son or daughter. Yes, I’ve already been crying and posting memories because it’s another anniversary, another July 5 and a week that I will remember each day leading to the day Trey met our lighthouse keeper

…our foundation

…our Jesus

…His Savior.

Thy Word

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.
Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.
When I feel afraid, and think I’ve lost my way,
Still you’re there right beside me.
Nothing will I fear, as long as you are near;
Please be near me till the end.

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.
Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.
I will not forget your love for me and yet,
My heart forever is wandering.
Jesus be my guide, and hold me to your side,
And I will love you to the end.

By Amy Grant

Can you be a lighthouse to someone? Maybe even me. The tired and the lonely lighthouse on a hill.

Over the last year I’ve received many texts, emails, phone calls, and had personal conversations, “Ms. Lisa, do you have any of those bracelets from Trey’s celebration?” My answer is always sadly, no. Last year, I thought about ordering some and my first thought was, “What an egotistical thing to do.” So I didn’t do it; until last week. I received another text from one of Trey’s sweet classmates, Jessica Berry. We tossed around the idea and she said PLEASE DO! Well, here they are.

Some may wonder why continue to wear these bracelets when Trey has been gone almost three years (July 5). Every person that I give a bracelet to, I tell them, make SURE you know Trey’s life verse, James 1:2-3 “Consider it all joy, my brothers and sisters, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.” Someone who is wearing the bracelet might ask them, “Why are you wearing that bracelet and who was Trey Erwin?” It opens the door WIDE open to share Trey’s faith story, how he suffered for Christ, but much more, how Christ suffered for our sins. Without Christ suffering and dying for our sins, there would be no eternity in glory. That’s where my boy is, with our Jesus! But it does not make me miss him ANY less.

It is much like getting a tattoo with scripture. I cannot tell you how many times I have used my tattoo with James 1:2-3 on my ankle to tell of Trey’s plight and how God used him to proclaim glory and honor in all things. I’m not going to get into a battle over tattoos, but whether it is a bracelet or a tattoo, if it proclaims the gospel and one person is brought to Jesus because of your sharing His word, then will you suffer for Christ? Will you be bold? Will you step out for Christ?

I’m trying to get to the point that my skin is tough and judging does not bother me. The world and yes, even Christians judge. You just have to have walked in my shoes of losing a son. This was my son. He left a legacy that no one can duplicate. He was a mighty Collierville Dragon and loved deep. And much more than all of that, he was a mighty servant of God.

In Memory of Trey Erwin #13
I love you son. I will be in Hawaii next week buddy. I will think of you, ache for you, and cry over you. But I KNOW, God’s will is perfect. He has a purpose for ALL things. You fulfilled your purpose on earth in a way most adults would not be able to do. I’m proud to be your mom and I’ll ALWAYS be your mom.
Love, Mom