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UNFINISHED – CHS FOOTBALL

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The Collierville High School football team selects a “theme” for each year. I am assuming the coaches do it because every year it has been different…last year was UNDEFINED and this year was UNFINISHED. I never really paid much attention to the tagline until last night at the CHS football banquet. Here is why…

It is not lost on me that as the years pass, the football team will know less and less about who Trey really was and WHY there is a Trey Erwin Award. It’s like the NCAA Heisman Trophy (well, not quite). But who knows who the trophy is named after, why, and when. John William Heisman with the first award given in 1935. I’ve said many times, the hardest thing for a mother to think about is the fact that their child might be forgotten. Luckily, most of the coaches know Trey’s story and only one remains that was a coach at the time he played. I bet CHS students can guess. Coach Mike Bradley.

I sat with the only family I knew, Tim and Kelly Woodard. When it came time for the Erwin Award, Bradley Stubbs was announced. I didn’t know the young man, of course, but Kelly grabbed my shoulders and said, “Oh, he’s wonderful!” Bradley’s younger brother and Kelly’s youngest, Matthew are best friends. If you don’t know how I feel about the Woodard family, just ask me. Love runs deep. We go to church together and I’ve watched her kids grow up and Trey taught Drew in children’s church.

When the banquet was over, I made a beeline to Bradley to introduce myself. He looked at me like I had three heads until I told him I was Trey‘s mother. His eyes lit up, and his family gathered rather quickly. I gave him a copy of my book and told him that I hoped it would give him a little bit of insight as to who Trey was. Then came my shock. He said he already knew about Trey. I was quite puzzled until he said he was a Peep. I immediately understood what he was talking about. He told me that Tara Peeper was his teacher at Crosswinds and she talked about Trey all the time. I have to pat myself on the back for not falling apart thinking of Trey and Corbin (Peeper). I explained Trey and Corbin grew up together. They were so excited to be able to tell Tara and I said I would also text her. When I got in the parking lot and sent her a text, she said that Bradley had already FaceTimed her and she sent me the picture.

When I got home, I thought more about the football tagline UNFINISHED. God is not finished with Trey. God orchestrated this meeting by weaving many moments and people together. Remember, God is not finished with any of us. He will only be finished with us when we openly reject him. Even then, I believe in my heart that he is full of grace, mercy, and forgiveness for those that choose to return to follow him.

I told Bradley about the larger award with the plaques of every player who had received the award each year. He did not know that it existed and I told him his name would be added to the award. I’ve asked several people at CHS where the award is located. I sure would like an updated picture of the plaques of each special player that was chosen. I pray it’s not stuck in a closet somewhere in the large sports facility.

As you gather with family and friends this holiday season, remember to love each other intentionally, speak with kindness, and remember that God is not finished with you.

Once a Peep always a Peep. Once a Dragon always a Dragon. Thank you to the Collierville football team who continues to remember a simple boy who was not perfect, yet unashamed of loving Jesus.

“For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek.”
‭‭Romans‬ ‭1‬:‭16

Purpose in Suffering

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I remember vividly having the conversation with Collin about being mad at God. He said, “I prayed for God to heal Trey and he didn’t. I prayed for God to heal Papaw, and he didn’t.” I told Collin at that time that I totally understood. When my dad died of ALS, I was mad too. I was mad that I never had the chance to REALLY have a dad. Fast forward MANY years and God gave me Joe Duncan who I worked for almost 25 years, the dad I never dad.

I understand Collin’s question – why do people suffer and die when it says in the bible to ask him anything and he will do it. “I will pray to the Lord, and he will answer me from his holy mountain.” Ps. 3:4 And what about, “Truly, truly, I say to you, if you ask the Father for anything in My name, He will give it to you.” John 16:23.

My devotion hit me today, especially because I am in pain and suffering. The doctor’s office blames the insurance company and the insurance company blames the doctor’s office for not being able to schedule an important surgery that will take me out of pain that I have been experiencing for a year. Well, actually, I have had interstitial cystitis for 40 years and the doctors told me I would get to the point that nothing would work to help my pain. The temporary Interstim device DID!

Why can’t they get the permanent surgery scheduled? I have prayed and prayed. What is God trying to teach me? I really don’t know. My faith is NOT weak because I prayed the other day – God, you can move mountains, move this one. I KNOW he can. Yes, I know there are things we will never understand this side of heaven. That is one thing you DO NOT have to tell me. My family is a prime example of that knowledge.

Is God speaking to me? Yes, he is. I was sitting in the doctor’s office yesterday with Jay and I was fuming. I was READY to give it to the doctor, even though I know it’s not his fault. I was mouthing and Jay said, “Lisa, you need to just be nice.” NOT SO FAST, as Lee Corso says. I probably looked at Jay like he had three heads. Within SECONDS I received a text from my Sunday School teacher, Carolyn Mrok, and she simply said, “I’m praying you get your surgery scheduled.” I showed Jay and said, well, I guess the Holy Spirit is telling me to be nice. Do you know I can’t find that text now? And I literally said, it’s Carolyn, and read it to him. I do not delete texts.

I know people are praying for me. I know my office is tired of me hurting and not being able to move around. I’m tired of being in the bed all weekend and immediately when I get home. I’m tired of missing ballgames. I haven’t been to church in months!!! I’m missing my LIFE! But I can still say, God is good. Why? Because I have family that takes wonderful care of me. I am blessed, in these hard times.

My devotion said today, “Prayer slaps handcuffs on Satan. Prayer takes problems out of the domain of the Devil and into the presence of God.” Max Lucado (I love this book, by the way. God is With You Every Day)

What is the purpose in my suffering? Maybe it is the opportunity for others to serve and help care for me. Maybe it prompts someone else to pray and bring them closer to God. I told Jay and my friends last night that I was driving home yesterday clinching the steering wheel and seething. Then, God just told me to unclench my fists. Jay joked and said, I hope you didn’t let go of the steering wheel! I told him no, but I simply released my grip, opened my hands, and said, “God, it is yours. I’ll simply obey.”

Sometimes our suffering might be a reminder of obedience and prayer. A “DUH” moment.

HOW COOL!

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Them: “Don’t you know that song?”
Me: “No. Sorry, I only know a little country.”
Them: “Then what do you listen to! Gosh!”
Me: “Well, I listen to The Message on XM.”
Them: “What in the world is The Message?”
Me: “Christian music.”
Them: “Oh.”

Have you ever had this conversation? Sometimes, it can be uncomfortable. But other times, I really don’t care. I raised my kids on K-Love and I would like to think that is how the word of God got into their hearts…music.

Jay and I raised our kids reading them devotions at night, daily and nightly prayers, doing all the things Christian parents should do. All the while, never imagining how our lives would be 10 to 20 years down the road.

When Trey got his first phone (6th grade – remember the flip phones that you had to push the numbers 20 times to just make a word?) there was no such thing as texting. Boy, have we come a long way. Once texting hit the scene, I went from putting notes in their lunch (which I’m sure Collin won’t remember) to texting them to say I was praying for them, scripture, or just HAVE A GOOD DAY! Sometimes, I would get OK or THANKS. Sometimes, no response. Collin did not have a phone at the time, but many times when I sent Trey scripture, his response would be – “Wow Mom! That’s so cool!” My heart would swell knowing all the years of radio and prayers had made a difference.

I still send Collin scripture, devotions, and recently the YouTube video of Big Daddy Weave’s Redeemed. Oddly enough, I actually questioned myself afterwards – “Why did I do that!” because you never want to push your child away. But the words pierced my soul, not only for myself, but for him and my family:

Seems like all I could see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last
Then you look at this prisoner and say to me
“Son, stop fighting a fight, its already been won”
I am redeemed, You set me free
So I’ll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain
That I’m not who I used to be
I am redeemed, I’m redeemed
All my life I have been called unworthy
Named by the voice of my shame and regret
But when I hear you whisper “Child, lift up your head”
I remember, oh God, You’re not done with me yet!

I say all this to say, don’t stop feeding your children, spouse, friend, anyone who needs to hear the word of God. I have to tell myself, it’s not my responsibility to make sure they listen to it or read it – only that I feed it to them when God prompts me.

Don’t give up! You might go years without a “Thanks” but one day, you’ll get that “HOW COOL” and you’ll know everything you have fed them, the Holy Spirit used to penetrate their heart.

Cancer and the Bumble Bee

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I have always been afraid of bumble bees. Really, any kind of bee. Who wants to be stung by a bee! I’ve thought many times, God, why bees? It’s like a mosquito! What good are you except to bite me and make me itch. I have many sleepless nights where my mind wonders and after my trip to Philly, I began to think about the bumble bee. What are you good for, bumble bee? And why am I thinking about you.

I recently traveled to Philadelphia with Ashley McCrary (she lives in Auburn, Alabama now) for her 189th treatment at Thomas Jefferson Hospital for ocular melanoma. Ashley and I have a long history together, which is for another day. As we were sitting in her treatment room, Lee, the art therapist, came in. Ashley asked me what I wanted to color. I laughed because SHE is the artist, and I can barely draw stick figures with my essential tremors. I began, for some odd reason, to tell her of the story about my first day back to work after Trey died. I sat at my desk and drew a bumble bee on a 2 x 3-inch sticky note ALL DAY LONG. I was looking at a monthly calendar my sister gave me that had the cutest (if they can be cute) bumble bee hovering over daisies. As I was telling Ashley this story, she was scrolling on her phone and I thought, you aren’t even listening to me…until she showed me a picture on her phone and said, “Like this?” My heart sank and became full at the same time. “Yes! Just like that!” She told Lee, we are drawing the bumble bee and the flowers. Of course, she was coloring, getting treatment, talking to nurses, doctors, etc. all at the same time while I was in a corner concentrating on drawing grass! Our little bee portraits turned out unique and very special.

Before traveling to Philly, I had thought what a great time it was going to be to CARE for Ashley during her treatment. Afterall, I am a caregiver. I envisioned hailing taxis, lots of conversation while resting, some tears, covering her with a blanket as she slept, getting her medication, diet cokes and crackers for nausea, and being prepared for the aftermath of the treatment itself; maybe even snuggling afterwards to ward off any waves of nausea while watching sports (we love all things SEC). (I do have a picture of her sleeping for just 45 minutes.) Those that know Ashley well and have traveled with her are probably laughing knowing this is NOT at all how Ashley rolls.

Without going into full detail of our trip, those that have traveled with Ashley know you travel with HER. I have not expressed this to her yet, but I left feeling very defeated. I wanted to help care for her in any small way, and I do not feel like I did that. If anything, SHE poured into me (and we even got our toes done!). I distinctly remember her telling me the story of Dave’s new company (her husband). The scripture they cling to for his company is Eph. 3:20:

“Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us.”

In listening to events that have happened over the last 9 to 10 years since we last saw each other, this scripture is very appropriate. Ask in faith, rely on Him, and He will make it come to pass under His will. Later that evening at dinner, we were walking to the lobby of the restaurant, and the stories of the evening with friends were rolling around in my head. I abruptly stopped, turned to Ashley and grabbed her shoulders (and scared her to death) and said, “Trey died at 3:20!” We hugged and cried. I know, one has really nothing to do with the other. But for me, God was speaking to me so clearly. Why???

I remember Ashley saying at some point during the trip that she did not know why God had put us together on the trip. Why did God put it so heavy on me that I MUST go with her when we had not really conversed in almost 10 years. While she was having treatment, so many medical personnel came and went from her room. Each time, she would look at me and say, “Lisa, tell them about Jay.” When I would give a brief synopsis, they would nod understanding what I was telling them, even to the point of saying, “Oh, that’s the P-16 gene.” YES! Someone knows! Mutant Melanoma! And information began to flow in my direction, unbelievable knowledge.

I think back to the bumble bee. Do you know that they beat their wings over 200 times a SECOND – faster than the nerve impulses to their muscles can fire. AND THEY STILL CAN’T FLY! Their bodies are so heavy, they can’t get very far off the ground. Their little wing muscles must be 86 degrees (to 111 degrees) to get them into the air. That will get the bee to the closest “flower cafeteria” for them to pollenate. They help pollenate flowers, fruit, and vegetables which we eat every day! Oh, God, your creations are so intricate. The bumble bee is a hard worker, and they are the lesser aggressive bee than any other. Heard the saying – busier than a bee? This is because they symbolize focus, teamwork, fertility, generosity, and prosperity! This is your bumble bee lesson for the day.

Knowing all this information, God laid it on my heart how much Ashley is like the bumble bee. I’m not inferring that she is heavy and can’t get off the ground! 😊 She doesn’t need to because she touches everyone around her; family, friends, uber drivers, hotel workers, and anyone that sits next to her on an airplane. They will be blessed by her testimony and I cannot express what a blessing it was to see God at work through her in just three days.

Buzz on, my friend. God is using you to fertilize the word of God in so many lives. The drawings of our bees are so special to me. The one she colored is hanging in my office to remind me that in whatever circumstance – cancer, job loss, financial difficulty, remain diligent and work hard where God has planted you.

Have cancer? Be a bumble bee and spread God’s word. I love you, Ashley McCrary. Our story is still being written.

Repaying a Debt

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Have you ever had someone do something for you and you said, “I’ll never be able to repay you for what you’ve done!” I’ve said that so many times over the years, whether it has been people praying, food, gift cards, or just a simple text. But I had one this Christmas that I REALLY will never be able to repay.

I bet you have as many VHS, 8 MM, and VHS-C tapes as I do. When you put them all together, there are about 50! That’s not counting what Jay already transferred of ballgames that he taped of Barry, Terry, and both our boys. Those are on CD and STILL need to be transferred to a hard drive. For Christmas, I desperately wanted to get the remaining media transferred to a hard drive which contains most of Trey and Collin’s early childhood – first Disney trip, trips to the beach, birthdays, Barry’s last Christmas, and much more.

Many do not know that my brother-in-law, Bill Thorne, owned a recording studio at one time. It took a lot for him to part with a lot of his equipment, but he sure didn’t part with the knowledge. So I asked Bill if he could do the transferring for me. I ended up buying portable hard drives off Amazon and Bill transferred all the tapes to the drives for me to give as gifts. As special as it is to me and as hard as Bill worked on it (he’s a perfectionist, if you don’t know him), I understand that Jay, Collin, Terry, and Cecelia will have to be in the “right mood” to watch any of it. Even Donna would not go upstairs when Bill would yell, “Come here Donna, look at this and tell me what trip this was!” She said she couldn’t. Memories are hard, but I am so thankful for them. Watching the boys at Disney for the first time made me laugh out loud because all I could hear in the background was, “Mom, MOM, mom, MOM, mom…” My prayer is that these memories will help Collin remember the relationship (good part) he had with Trey.

On my way home from work this week, I thought about what I could do for Bill to repay him. I really thought there is nothing I can do. I racked my brain. Then it dawned on me and I felt kind of silly not realizing this from the beginning. Christ did the same thing for me. He died on a cross for my sins, which I totally STILL do not deserve, and in turn, I am receiving the best gift of my life – eternal life. This goes back to my Choices blog. I made this choice and have continued to try to live in gratitude for His gift.

Again, as hard as Bill worked, Christ’s sacrifice was so much greater. In both instances, I did NOTHING. I do get bothered by the thought of those I love thinking they can “take care of it tomorrow.” Meaning their salvation. So many do not have a tomorrow.

For 2025, Jay and I (and I pray Collin), will be living each day to its fullest realizing the sacrifice Christ made on the cross for our eternal salvation. No greater gift.

“For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.” Eph. 2:8-9

WHY!!

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Sunday our pastor mentioned that we should take a moment this week and tell God what we are thankful for. He gave us several ways to do this and one way took me back. Years ago, when all the kids were little, we would write what we were thankful for on fall leaves that my sister had cut out. There was one point that she kept them from year to year to display. As the years have gone by, and the kids have grown up, we have stopped that tradition. I think it was just because of the hustle and bustle of cooking and getting ready for Thanksgiving…and maybe some eyerolling from teenagers.

Last night, before going to sleep, I was reading a devotion on my phone. The series is called “Cancer-Encouragement for Healing.”  Personally, I think this devotion can go for any illness, not just cancer. Yesterday’s devotion was called “Hearing God’s Voice.” How many times have we wanted to hear His voice, begged for guidance, and/or just wanted something to drop from the sky. For me, more times than I can count. As I began to read, the first sentence read, “Hearing God’s voice will cut through the tumult we can be experiencing to bring us peace, clarity, and guidance like nothing else can.” I think I might have actually huffed out loud.

After reading the devotion, I turned over to try to sleep. As I was praying, I began begging God to speak to me, just in SOME way. I was brought to tears. Believe it or not, it takes a LOT to make me cry. My skin is tough…and I don’t cry in movies. When I realized I was crying, I stopped because I knew I would give myself a headache, but more so, I asked myself why I was crying. It was a “get yourself together girl!” moment. But my WHYs kept flowing out of my mouth to God. Why cancer. Why Trey. Why Collin. Why Jay. Why melanoma. Why rashes. Why headaches. Why endoscopies. Why bladder surgery. Why biopsies. I think you will get my pattern. I talked to two precious pastors in the last week about my frustration of not being able to handle the “Why” or control it. They did not pretend and told me very honestly that they did not know why either.

As I lay there, crying out in frustration and fear, I cried out to the Holy Spirit to speak to me for peace, mercy, and healing in my family. In the most AUDIBLE voice I have ever experienced, I heard God speak to me.

Lisa – You may not know the why. All you need to know is I AM THE WHY.

Yes, I am thankful for the WHY! God, my Savior. Jesus, who died for me on the cross.

MIC DROP!

His Plan or Our Plan.

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I think we all have struggled with the acceptance of God’s plan in our lives at one point or another. If it is a glowing, glorifying moment, we are not hesitant to proclaim the incident was definitely a part of God’s purpose and plan for our lives. If it is a traumatic situation, we struggle with claiming His plan.

You know I do not believe in coincidence. Yesterday, in two different devotionals, they referred to the purpose for your life. From A Shelter From the Storm:

“In times of depression is it not uncommon for people to question their identity as well as the purpose of life. This confusion could arise from a change in lifestyle or the workplace, deep disappointment, illness, death, and any of a number of factors that shake your stability and tranquility and cause you to sink into a well of helplessness and hopelessness.”

These words ring true for me and my family. February 26, 2012, Jay and I stood at the end of the hallway at LeBonhuer Children’s Hospital and stared out a window as tears steadily flowed. Jay’s repeated words were – I wish it were me and not Trey – why can’t it be me. I said the same thing.

The gastroenterologist came to see us that day and, in my shock, (as we sat on the couch in Trey’s hospital room), I argued with every word he said. He showed me his computer and images of Trey’s body and I told him he was wrong. I told him there was a mistake. I was looking over at Trey laughing with his friends and pointed to him and said, “See! He just doesn’t feel good!”

Not to beat a dead horse, but obviously we know God had other plans for Trey.

A young friend posted on Facebook recently about the loss of her young little boy. She said it was not in God’s plan for her to lose her little boy and she would never believe that. (Paraphrase) I heard the hurt and anger in her post. I immediately felt such compassion and understanding…not defensive at statement. I remember in the shock of the first few days of Trey being in the hospital, I felt the same way. It took time to listen to the Lord and ABSORB His plan. Do you immediately accept His plan?

The journey we are travelling now with Jay’s cancer has been the same, in which my emotions fluctuate daily. I desperately seek God and His goodness in any of this journey I can find, and honestly, His plan. I have voiced my frustration. Jay thought it was at him and it was not. Maybe a control issue? I can’t imagine ME having a control issue! (joke).

I do not know God’s plan in this journey…but do I trust Him? YES

Is He faithful to walk with us when we feel alone? YES

HIS PLAN IS ALWAYS PERFECT. AND I BELIEVE THAT.

PLEASE PRAY:

For Jay as he has started his treatment back today.

Pray that the rash and sores do not raise their ugly head.

Pray for his fatigue and nausea.

Pray for my migraines, please.

Please continue to pray for Mike and Beth O’Neill, Ashley McCrary, Natalie Italiano, and many more suffering with this horrible disease.

WE ARE CLAIMING EPHESIANS 3:20-21

“Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.”

#prayfortheErwins

When Faith and Fear Collide.

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It’s that time of year…football season. The lull of summer is passing, kids are returning to school, and hopefully the temperature will begin to change bringing a slight breeze for Friday night lights. It has always been my favorite time of the year – even before kids!

I have been a VOL and Memphis Tiger fan since I can remember (football and basketball). How can those two co-exist? They can. Prime example two rivals who both have my heart for different reasons – the Collierville Dragons and the Houston Mustangs.

Trey and Collin played football from the CYAA (youth league) age until high school at Collierville. We are and will always be Dragons. I remember from Trey’s testimony video he said, “I love football. I love football first, playing it, watching it…” I know Trey didn’t mean he loved football more than God, and as parents, we made sure it was not his idol. Proof? I guess showing up at church on a Wednesday night late after practice – sweaty – without a shirt on proved his devotion. Not a bright call on his part, but he was there and Keith made sure he put a shirt on.

I have mentioned many times that the picture below was taken by Roger Cotton, the team photographer, the night the Dragons beat the Mustangs in 2011 (September 2, 2011, won 14 to 6), just months before we found out about Trey’s cancer. Roger captured the excitement just at the right moment. I cannot remember much about that game except that Herman Osteen Field was PACKED on both sides of the stadium…classy versus trashy. I don’t even know how classy v. trashy began, but let me tell you, both schools took it very serious from clothing to hyped trash talk. I’m sure many remember those days! And they were fun for both sides.

Fast forward to Dragon football season of 2012. Trey passed away in July before football season began, but he sure wanted back on that field. When I mentioned before about Trey running into church late after practice, that is one place there was no division between Dragons and Mustangs. Matter of fact, most of his friends at church went to Houston. That made this win (and bragging rights) even sweeter in 2011. But in 2012, the Dragons and the Mustangs came together to honor Trey – August 31, 2012. The Dragons did not win the game. Matter of fact, they lost 24 to 10 and played AT Houston. The quarterback for the Houston Mustangs was Gavin McCrary, the eldest of the McCrary clan, and I am close with the entire family. That was a night, even though the Dragons lost, two teams did co-exist even though the competition was there to win a football game. NOW, maybe this information will help you grasp just a little of my affection for this picture.

I read an article recently about co-existing in our daily lives as Christians. My search was about faith and fear, something I am learning a lot about. I do not question myself about my faith. I have a personal relationship with my Savior that nothing can break. But wait, I have fear; fear of cancer. This is something new for me because I have not experienced this kind of fear. My sister said something very profound last week – we have confidence in God and all that He can do, but we do not have confidence in cancer and it’s ability to go away. The Lord knew we, as His children, would have fear. This is why He so often comforts us. Because He knows that within perfect faith, fear cannot exist, but within our imperfect minds and hearts they can. He wants us to know that simply because we experience fear does not mean we don’t have faith.

So, I ask that you pray for us. Jay is a rock and I am the one afraid; afraid of losing my best friend. When you are a “fixer” and I can’t fix him, frustration is overwhelming. Jay does not like my frustration or where it takes me…with our finances, his health, everyday life, and I understand. Right now, while my fear and faith might co-exist, make no mistake that my God is bigger than any fear I might have, and fear will not rule our lives. It’s a choice.

You are all a blessing to us, and we are very thankful to those who have signed up on our Meal Train and who have donated to our Go Fund Me. We already have enough to pay our smallest bill to West Clinic, which brings such a relief to our daily fight. It has been hard to swallow pride and accept any help given, since so many helped us when Trey was sick. Again, thank you.

“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1

#prayfortheErwins

A Rainy Day…

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I often tell Jay I think we are over-insured. When he left Baptist Tipton, Baptist Minor Med, Baptist ER, and I left Burch, Porter & Johnson, the life insurance we had provided portability (very important).  It was a no-brainer to opt to take the insurance with us without a significant increase in premium. Jay’s ability to be insured at this point is, well is nil to none.

Jay and I invested in our first life insurance plans as a young family in 1995, one year before Trey was born. I watched my mother struggle after my father passed away because they did not have adequate life insurance. There was no “college fund.” I knew I did not want to ever struggle like my mother. I found it odd that my parents invested in burial insurance policies and not LIFE insurance policies. Those policies were eventually bought out by other companies and their value decreased to a very small cash amount. It did not hurt my feelings when my mother turned the cash over to me at 20 years old. I thought I had come into some money! (Not.)

As most of you know, if you have insurance or are in the insurance business, premiums tend to skyrocket each year; health and life. I’m so thankful that 25 plus years ago we took out policies that provided for us after Trey died. We are still holding a few policies that are not providing a great benefit, but I am too afraid to let them go. How many of you are contacted by your broker telling you that you need to have an annual review of your insurance and retirement benefits? Even though those calls, emails, and texts are annoying, I still know that I need to meet with a financial advisor about our insurance and retirement. “You know you need to plan for a rainy day!” Yes, I know. I feel I have already experienced a few floods.

I heard something on The Message XM Radio last week that made me think about our insurance situation.

“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, My God, in whom I trust!” Ps. 91:1-2

What do you think of when you hear shadow? The psalmist refers to the “shadow” of God. In literal terms, a shadow provides little protection, itself. The imagery, however, is of someone who is close enough, and protected enough, that the shadow of their protector is on them.

That’s when the radio announcer mentioned that God is our insurance. BAM!!

In reading Psalms, I never thought of God being my insurance. We purchase insurance today so that if we are injured, hospitalized, or even in the event of death, we are provided for – protected. Christ’s death on the cross provided us with insurance for eternity. How do premiums come into the picture, I thought. Premiums are usually paid monthly, at least in our case. Just as premiums pay for the insurance of protection, being a Christian sometimes comes at a cost. All you have to do is watch the news, work in a toxic environment, remain in a hostile marriage, or suffer from a terminal illness – they all come with a cost of testing your faith.

I am thankful for the shadow of protection God provides – just as I am the life insurance I pay for monthly. In either situation, I know my future is secure. I know the value of my life will not decrease as long as I trust in my Savior. A wise young boy once said, “I’ll either be healthy in heaven, or healthy on earth. Either way, I know I’ll be okay.”

Have you invested in insurance? We are all insurable by God, but it’s a choice. You don’t have time to waste, my friend.

“I’m Just Being Used by God,” he said.

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I took this pic while laying in bed last Saturday morning. It was a day I knew I would be able to sleep a little later. It’s odd how as I get older, I sleep longer. I’ve never been a late sleeper. So, I was a little perturbed that the sun was shining straight down in my eyes. Well, a lot perturbed. I was ready to post this and complain about the sun in my eyes.

For some reason, the picture was immediately absorbed with the rest of my 10,000 pictures on my phone and I didn’t think about it again…until now. I’m sitting here watching basketball and deleting pictures and there – look. See it?

It’s been a hard week for many reasons. Honestly, I’ve wrestled all week with the build up of memories from 11 years ago, not slept well (vivid nightmares), been frustrated with myself at work (perfectionist failure 🙄), and overwhelmed by a busy schedule that I created for myself. I found myself grabbing my devotion book at work around 10 am today thinking to myself, “Oh, I got to get this in!” I assumed God would use my speed reading to soak the words right off the paper into my soul. A hurting, grieving soul.

I worked a little late last night and drove Collin’s car home from work for Jay to take to the shop. I didn’t have my church choir CD to listen to, so I found myself praying…for friends with cancer, my friend Ashley, healing, my husband, my sweet son, the woman that God has for Collin, and for my sister and the group to return from their cruise safely. I vividly remember asking God to speak to me because I told Him that I felt I have not had anything encouraging to say in order to write a blog. I begged to be used. I asked Him why people are drawn to someone else’s trauma. I didn’t expect an answer. Jay and I have been talking about trauma addiction lately and it is just another struggle I’ve dealt with – and watched a sweet girl deal with the realization that Trey’s death has caused trauma in her life.

I asked the Lord, with no hesitation, to always use my words and actions for His glory. I kept asking to be used, like a mantra – use me, use me. When you pray to be used, are you afraid of just how God will start moving in your life? I am. I know Trey asked to be used. Sometimes I wonder…well…I can’t go there right now. When I prayed last night, I actually said out loud, “Now God, I don’t need anything drastic.” You might ask how I remember praying this. I was driving down Poplar Pike and just crossed over the railroad tracks in front of Germantown High School. I brought myself back around to the fact that I WAS driving, needed to pay attention, and was thankful a train wasn’t coming because I sure wasn’t looking! I was too busy giving God my request list.

I am in choir at Germantown Baptist Church and we are preparing to record a CD next Monday and Tuesday. I have worked so hard to memorize the songs by listening to the alto track. My essential tremors make it difficult to hold the music and I know how important the sound of turning pages can be in a recording. Last week, words from one of the songs spoke to me and I sent them by text to my friend, Anna Wakefield. I remember her saying in rehearsal it was one of her favorite songs we are singing. As I looked at this picture, as if for the first time, I finally saw the cross through the sunbeam. Immediately these lyrics came to my mind.

“Lift your head,
Morning is coming; there’s more to the story.
Don’t forget; in grief and in glory,
Still great is His faithfulness.
He is Present Helper, Keeper; great is His faithfulness.
Perfect, Sovereign, Fortress, great is His faithfulness.
Abba Father, Comfort, great is His faithfulness.
Redeemer, Restorer, Sustainer, great is His faithfulness.
Wait on Him, rest in Him, come find your peace again.
Trust in Him, hope in Him; great is His faithfulness!”

Oh, how these lyrics pierce my heart. He speaks to me most when I worship with an openness to allow Him to be everything He promises in His Word. My Comforter. My Restorer. But more than these things, the promise that because of His sacrifice, morning IS coming and there IS more to MY story. Maybe God DOES write my list of requests on HIS heart with a smirk saying, “Lisa, remember who I am! Come find your peace in me.”