I’ve said this before, it was a long day. March 6. I remember when I started Tual Graves several years ago, I told them there are several days that will not be good days and I may take off work. March 6 is one of those days. As the years have gone by, I have found that working has helped me more than staying at home, especially if Jay is not there. Honestly, Jay is my rock and when he is working, most of the time all I do is sit.
There were many in the room that day. There are many that remember every word, and there are those that don’t recognize the date, and that’s okay. But for a mother, who has just been told her son will die, I remember how my heart sank, I couldn’t breathe, and I wanted to throw up. But there was Trey, my Simba. “Well, it must be bad because Mom has been crying.” Generally, I wasn’t a crier when the kids were growing up. My emotions have definitely changed since January of 2012. Cancer continues to be our enemy.
There are few people I trust WHOLEHEARTEDLY, and one is (Rev., Dr., Papa K, Bro.) Keith Cochran. I sent him a text yesterday and just said, “I’m sad.” He asked, “Why are you sad?” I quickly replied, “Where is your head, Bro!” I knew he would either laugh or be concerned. He responded, “Well, I didn’t know if anything else was going on.” He knew. He sent encouraging scripture from 1 Chronicles which speaks of praising the Lord. I told him I didn’t want scripture. I’m tired of scripture being thrown at me as the answer. I don’t want to go to church. I don’t want to go to choir. I told him, “I think I’ll take up Collin’s attitude.” Where is God?
Last night, I sent him a text and thanked him for always being available for me, for not being judgmental, and listening to my heart. He said, “Of course! We love you guys!” He told me earlier in the day that sometimes, not saying anything is best. I told him – NOT WITH ME! I told him you can give me something! It doesn’t have to sound like Billy Graham wrote it! (I knew he would chuckle.) Keith had told me a long time ago I needed to scream to just get it out. I guess I screamed, but maybe through text. I might have more screaming and more crying to do. He was my son.
I find it ironic that the majority (and I mean 9 out of 10) of Trey’s best friends now have little boys. Cody and Katie Beth – 3 boys, Hunter and Madison – 1 boy, Julianne and Ben – 1 boy, Leighton and Jeremy – 2 boys. Even Cojo! (Courtney Jordan Dahlsten) has a boy! The only girl coming is precious Harper Joy Korthoff! (Madison (Young) and Herbie). I was at a shower for Madison a week or so ago and some of the boys came with their mothers. It was so precious to see them interact with their own children. It was VERY hard to take in that all these girls were once my YOUNG girls. Some were bed babies with Trey. The one thing that plays over and over in my mind is I HOPE (well, I know they do) understand and feel the love a mother has for her child. I would never want any of these sweet families to experience the loss of one of their children. They all hurt when Trey died and they will always carry a part of him with them, I hope. I love them so.
This morning on the way to work I pleaded with God to show me His goodness. I love listening to Olivia Lane on The Message in the morning and she shared scripture from Hebrews, which I can’t remember now. All I know is that it pierced my heart with God’s love for me. I will find it. It reminded me of a song by Meredith Andrews. Meredith is the sweetest person (pictured with me and Trey in the summer of 2011). She sung at our DNOW(s), sung at summer camp, and loved on all these kids that are now grown up. If you have a chance, look up the song with lyrics below – You’re Not Alone.
I know I am not alone in this journey. I know others feel like I do and understand. Sometimes it is the guilt of feeling this way that gets me, but God gets me. This time of year is always hard. So, you might not see me at church (I’ll watch online) and you might not see me in the choir (I’ll sing from the couch). I just ask that you continue to pray for our family. Grief is a very complicated animal. It’s very hard for me to explain my inner turmoil, so spending time in silence and listening for His goodness is sometimes best.
Hakuna Matata…
**********
I searched for love when the night came and it closed in I was alone, but You found me where I was hiding And now I’ll never ever be the same It was the sweetest voice that called my name, saying
You’re not alone for I am here Let me wipe away your every fear My love, I’ve never left your side I have seen you through the darkest night And I’m the One who’s loved you all your life All of your life
You cry yourself to sleep Cause the hurt is real and the pain cuts deep All hope seems lost with heartache your closest friend And everyone else long gone You’ve had to face the music on your own But there is a sweeter song that calls you home, saying
You’re not alone for I am here Let me wipe away your every tear My love, I’ve never left your side I have seen you through the darkest night And I’m the One who’s loved you all your life All your life
Faithful and true forever My love will carry you
You’re not alone for I, I am here Let me wipe away your every fear My love, I’ve never left your side I have seen you through the darkest night Your darkest night And I’m the One who’s loved you all your life All of your life
For all our married life, Jay has worn a uniform to work. For years it was scrubs and for the passed 21 years, a uniform for the fire department. I’ve told him countless times that I wish I could wear a uniform to work. Wearing a uniform would make morning decisions SO much easier.
Tomorrow is World Pancreatic Cancer Awareness Day and the ribbon/color which represents Pancreatic Cancer is purple. Why purple? Pancreatic cancer uses a purple ribbon as a tribute to one woman’s love for her mother. A woman named Rose Schneider, whose favorite color was purple, died in 1996 after battling pancreatic cancer for six months. That’s how purple became the color for pancreatic cancer.
Think about Valentine’s Day. What color do you associate with that day? Why RED, of course! It’s a day of love. Thursday, November 16 is no different. By wearing purple, you are acknowledging the love and compassion you have for those who have suffered, succumbed, and are still battling pancreatic cancer. You are saying – I See You!
I see you as you walk through the door for another treatment.
I see you smiling when I know you’re in so much pain that you can’t stand.
I see you when you wish you could eat what everyone is enjoying but you’re afraid to put a bite in your mouth for fear it will go right through you.
I see you as you sit next to the bed of your mother as pancreatic cancer slowly takes her and she can’t respond.
I see you when you cry with your grandfather knowing he only has a few days, but he’s at peace and you’re not.
I watch you maneuver through life without a smile because pancreatic cancer took your best friend, father, son.
I listened as you tried to rationalize the reason God took my baby. I’ve listened countless times. Even knowing God had a purpose for Trey’s cancer, a mother’s broken heart never heals.
I see you. You matter. You are relevant. Your suffering is not in vain. You are loved and we wear purple for all of you; my family, for Trey, for Martha Carol, for Stephanie, for Melanie Busch, for Ruth Ranks and her girls Kelly Ranks Roy and Tracy Ranks Grimmer, for Steve Gilmore and his dad, and for so many of the known and unknown.
My sister, Donna, and I often say, those that scream the loudest get heard. I can tell you that funding for research for pancreatic cancer is not a priority to most. Grants are not available to assist adults with cancer because of government funding. I have thought – I sure wish there was a St. Jude for adults.
Again, November 16, we wear purple for you. Stand up against cancer – pancreatic cancer. Tell their story. Tell YOUR story-why you wear purple. I’m begging for your support. Remember, those that scream the loudest, get heard!
I challenge you to download or copy this sign for tomorrow. Tag me (or #treyerwin13) and let’s make a difference!
June 1, 2023. It has slipped up on us all. SUMMER is here, kids are out of school, and families are going on vacation. There was a time when I was so excited about summer, even though kids were going from one sport camp to another, VBS (either attending or helping), church camp, or scouting trips – with weekends spent at my sister’s pool. How do things change so quickly?
During those years of hustle and bustle, I NEVER thought about a change in the life I had planned for my family. We would always go on family vacations, spend weekends at the pool, including holidays with laughter, hamburgers, and hot dogs. We still have the hamburgers and hot dogs, but somehow, the laughter is missing.
Over the last 28 years, I can say our faith has not wavered, definitely tested, but not wavered. December of 1995 is when Jay was first diagnosed with cancer. I can promise you that it has not slowed him, much to my frustration. His next treatment is next Thursday, and if he didn’t have to work on Friday, he would. He never slows down. His BROTHER did not slow down – he had goals (basketball, high school, college) while battling cancer. Jay’s FATHER still came to watch the boys practice football during his treatments. There is a pattern here. I firmly believe Trey learned from watching his dad, his papaw, and hearing about his uncle. Trey had goals in the midst of his battle. I remember someone asking me at the time why he had a bucket list. That bucket list kept him going. Also, as a result, I see so much maturity in my Collin at age 23.
Over the last year, I have felt myself slip into a depressive state because I have been dealing with an ankle that will not heal after a tendon tear, two surgeries, and soon to be my 7th (no, 8th) cast. Food, television, and a scooter have become good friends of mine. Even during this time, I have been praying for friends that have been suffering from circumstances much worse.
This morning, I noticed in my devotion (which was Trey’s), I had written at the bottom of the page I was praying for the Troike family (Yes, I misspelled Troike). Wyatt was a friend of Collin’s at Collierville and was a patient of St. Jude at the time. Believe it or not, I have never been one for journaling, so the fact that I noted this prayer for the family struck a chord. I am sure at the time, they were struggling with the unknown. It prompted me to jot down who I had prayed for on the way to work. EACH of them are walking a similar path our family has walked…cancer. But we have always known God is in control, His sovereignty, and He is definitely in the details of our circumstances.
Eleven years ago, our circumstances changed with Trey during his battle with cancer. We were told by his doctors his chemo had stopped working and it would be a matter of time. I remember asking, “A matter of time for what?” Even years later, my heart still sinks remembering being told Trey may have until September (2012). I would have never thought he would be gone in a month. But in that one month, he had several procedures that enabled him to make it to the beach with the church and an extended family vacation. There were plans to change his chemo after his return from the beach. That was not God’s plan. This coming month will be another difficult time of reflection.
Whether you are facing cancer or similar circumstance to make you feel defeated, do not let Satan control how you handle the situation. He will manipulate you towards loneliness and entice you down a path of darkness that will not help you when the going gets tough. Well, tougher. Like our Pastor has said, and I paraphrase, “If you aren’t going through tough times now, you will.” We may not know the outcome of our circumstances, but we DO know the guide!
If you need to be encouraged in your current circumstances, I urge you to get the book by Coach Mike O’Neill – Don’t Back Down (on Amazon and in local Collierville stores). Its content is filled with laughter, tears, struggles, uncertainty, hope, but mostly with the Holy Spirit.
Read the scripture again – I heard, but I did not understand. So I asked, “My Lord, what will the outcome of all this be?” Daniel 12:8 I don’t think we will know this side of Heaven. Right now, I’m okay with that and I’m learning to pivot as my circumstances change. Thank you, Ross Geller – character from Friends – PIVOT, PIVOT, PIVOT!
Hey buddy. I thought I would write you and catch you up on some things. It’s 2 AM and I was doing this in my head so I thought I would put it on paper. Putting it on paper these days means that you are dictating something to your phone. That would totally blow you away. And, you know I don’t do anything at 2 AM unless it’s important. Honestly, Abbie woke me up because she had to go to the bathroom and I took our new golden retriever puppy out at the same time. I know you would feel the same way Collin does and be protective of Abbie versus the excitement of the new puppy. It’s hard to believe we got Abbie one month before you started feeling sick.
I haven’t written to you in a long time. Actually, my writing has slowed. Not for the lack of thought, but just a lack of time and discouragement. It is not that you are not thought of, it’s just the days of hearing your voice have long gone; a day I knew would come and I have dreaded.
Last year (2022) we did a study of heaven in Sunday School. I was so anxious to dive into the word and here what Carolyn had to say about where you are and where we will eventually be together. I know too often I loosely use the term of seeing you when I see a goose, or comment during a ball game that you’re the angel in the outfield, or tell someone that I know was close to you that you are an angel on their shoulder. I know none of that’s true and you are not something that can be put in a pocket and carried around. And I definitely know you are not an angel in heaven. People misinterpret scripture and we don’t become angels when we die and float on clouds! Maybe it comforts me that it’s the memory of you that is carried around. I have no doubt that you are doing exactly God intended-spending time with Him, praising Jesus, and hopefully talking to many of the prophets you read about. It would be nice to think that you are looking down on me and your family, but I know you would not want to see so much of the sadness in this world. And frankly, it’s not biblical. Neither is this, really, but it sure makes me feel better. Some people journal every day, but I blog.
Several things happened in church this last Sunday that brought you to mind. While we were singing the songs I consider contemporary worship, there was a little girl probably between the age of five and eight in the seats behind me, and she was singing every word to the songs. I started to cry because one, it was just so precious, and two, I knew that mother was teaching her children by listening to the music in the car (like we used to do). Pastor Matt announced that we will be studying in James very soon. Honestly, I can’t remember if I rolled my eyes or had a feeling of excitement knowing that James was one of your favorite books in the Bible. Either way, it will be a great study and I know that I will learn much from what Pastor Matt has to say. (You would love him, by the way. He knows Papa K.)
Lastly, it was announced that Impact is coming up soon. Your Aunt Donna and I had a collective sigh. We know it’s not Impact in our minds and should still be D-Now, but I think during the many changes in the regime at church, the name was changed to move with the times. I get that. But while others move on, I have keen awareness that it is January and the beginning of the season I dread every year, January through July. I wish I could sleep January through July and wake up in August for vacation. We know that is not how life works.
Many things happened in the last year. Your dad, Collin, and I all had surgery. Too bad it wasn’t all at the same time. Your dad started treatments at West Clinic and is going every three weeks. While it’s heavy on my heart that he has to endure this, we know it’s what is best and it’s helping to reduce the cancer in his neck. So many around us are being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I just don’t understand why people are suffering.
I didn’t ask for donations to St. Jude for your birthday this last year. So many give to St. Jude and that’s such a blessing but I wanted to do something different. This idea actually came to life while on a short vacation and the Ralph Lauren store in Pigeon Forge was all in. I didn’t know how I was going to accomplish this idea that I intended to be very small. I took a chance and put the word out (Venmo would be your friend, I know that for sure) that I was in Pigeon Forge and wanted to buy Polo hats to give out to St. Jude and West Clinic patients in honor of your birthday. I had in my mind that I would probably end up buying maybe 10 hats. Those 10 hats turned into being over 200 to be gifted away from donations. We almost bought the store out and I came home and ordered more as the money continued to come in. I remember getting a message from a friend of mine that was given a hat at West Clinic in your memory. What a blessing to see things come full circle and help others. The circle of life. Just had to put the Lion King reference in here for you. The money I had leftover from the collections I gave to the Collierville football team to add to your scholarship for a senior football player.
I don’t know if mature is the right word, but I think purchasing the hats for others last year was much more constructive than being huddled up in a ball in bed. There was such joy blessing others. It’s something you would do and I hope to come up with something for your birthday in July.
Out of the blue last night I got a text from a sweet family friend of the family that I have not heard from in probably 8 plus years. She sent a picture of her microwave and said she still stops her microwave when there is 13 seconds left on the timer. The small gesture of a simple text has such an impact on this mama’s heart. People might call that a Godwink, but I think it is a blessing that people are still carrying you close to their heart. That’s my greatest desire. Matter of fact, just this week Tara Peeper sent me a text with the picture of the song 10,000 Reasons on her first day back to school. And Gina Johnson got a purple toothbrush today and sent me a picture and thought of you. Purplely, we said! Oh, how I hope people will continue to reach out with their precious thoughts. Whereas they might think it would cause sadness, it actually helps so much in the healing.
I got another message from a dear friend that told me she holds the last decade of memories of you close to her heart. That meant the world to me. When many of us who are faced with our own mortality or that of our loved ones, we seem to understand the grieving process a smidge better, and the way you handled your journey to Jesus has helped all of us. I know one day Jesus will heal me of the grief I carry, however heavy it might be at the time. But you know I’m one strong mama.
A lady came into the new law firm I work for and she made the remark that I looked familiar. I gave my standard line, “Do you remember the Collierville football player who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 2012 and was the pray for Trey movement?” She immediately said oh yes, we prayed for him. I said well I’m his mother. Whether or not that is how she recognized me is not the point. The point is I opened the door to share your faith story, and maybe it’s a little selfish of me that I know I’m keeping your legacy alive. Even though my coworker knows your story, I know she probably thought I was crazy in bringing you up. But she will be a mom one day and understand.
Well, I still miss you incredibly. Things are starting to move into place upstairs. I finally cleaned out your closet. I take that back, I just took your billion clothes off the rack. I’ve told your dad that is my New Year’s resolution is to get upstairs totally cleaned out. I have no idea why he laughed at me. Maybe because that hasn’t been done in 10 years. Now that it’s starting to bother me, it’s time to get things done. I might have to rent a dumpster!
I read this in an article about cancer, “It’s common for the grief process to take a year or longer. A grieving person must resolve the emotional and life changes that come with the death of a loved one. The pain may become less intense, but it’s normal to feel emotionally involved with the deceased for many years.” While that statement is so true, I wonder what is their definition of “many years.” I think I have matured in my grief because the pain is not so intense and my tears no longer flow as often as they did. Oh, but it will catch me off guard at times! That has nothing to do with how much I miss you being with us, it is more about accepting reality.
We need a place we can turn to when we are going through the dark valleys of our souls. Having hidden in literal caves to escape death from King Saul, David knew the value of having a good, safe hiding place. For David, God was his refuge that was entirely trustworthy and reliable in all circumstances.
I remind myself that God knows my heart’s innermost cries. Our feelings of fear, anger, frustration, and everything else is safe in His hands. I have held tight to David’s prayer in Psalm 9:9-10, which says “The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.” Oppressed? Yes. I still feel the pressure from society to conform to the norm that I should be in a certain stage of grief. I feel like that is putting me in a box of when I can and cannot talk about you and feel comfortable with others dealing with the memory of your death. I think, personally, it takes a lot of guts to talk about you. You know I’m laughing because you would talk about yourself all day long.
I could go on and on, but it’s now 3:50 AM and if I have a migraine tomorrow because I did this, your dad’s gonna kill me. And the dogs are getting restless because I’m talking. Thanks a lot buddy, now I’ll never go back to sleep. I guess this is getting me back for all the nights that we ate oatmeal together at 3 AM and I did your laundry.
We (the family) are all close to the heart of God, and my prayer is that He will be even more merciful during these next seven months as we walk through moment by moment that we experienced together until your last breath. Your Aunt Donna and I talked about that yesterday, the day you took your last breath, who was there, how she felt. I have given my book about you two some of my coworkers and they have a fear of reading it because of sadness. They have no idea the many moments that we spent in laughter. I never thought the memories of laughter would be in the forefront of the memories of such heartache, but I’m SLOWLY getting there.
This song just came to mind that your ducky (Madison) has sung in memory of you and the words are so fitting.
When the pieces seem too shattered to gather off the floor And all that seems to matter is I don’t feel you anymore When I’m over come by fear and I hate everything I know If this waiting last forever, I’m afraid I might let go I need a reason to sing, I need a reason to sing I need to know that you’re still holding the whole world in your hands. Will there be a victory Will you sing it over me now Your peace is the melody You sing it over me now I need a reason to sing I need to know that you’re still holding the whole world in your hands That is a reason to sing!
Love, mama.
PS It’s 5:50 am and I never went back to sleep! So I haven’t proofread this!
That day is very vivid in my mind. It was so hot as we sat in the car. It we just the two of us, Jay and I. July 5, 2012. We had just walked out of St. Jude for what we thought was the last time and left Trey’s sick cancerous body. We both looked at each other and said, “What are we doing to do now?” We had no idea where the next 7 to 8 years would take us and that it would keep us at St. Jude.
Soon after Trey’s death, Dr. Sara Federico contacted us and set up an appointment for Collin to see her. We knew that he carried the same malignant melanoma gene that we believe caused Trey’s cancer. Dr. Sara told us that normally they send patients out for screening since they do not actively have cancer. Dr. Sara loves our family. She petitioned the powers that be and also because of Trey, Collin remained a St. Jude patient for screening. . .until February 19, 2020.
What my head was saying in both instances was the right thing.
“THIS IS WHAT IS NATURAL AND NEEDS TO HAPPEN!”
But my heart had emotions swirling like a carousel at Disneyworld. The picture below shows Collin walking down a long hallway at St. Jude as we enter the Chili’s building to go to our car to leave. What you DON’T see is that he was so happy he was walking and weaving from one side of the hall to the other. No more Kid’s Kafe, no more patient number, no more little red wagons, and no more painted halls. Now, it will be West Cancer Clinic. Leaving with one child and left without one child.
As I thought further when I took another picture through the windshield of St. Jude to go along with the 10 million I already have, our hospital is our church. How many of us leave our church, turn around, and feel sadness because of what life is handing us? Feeling cancerous.
We drove away and didn’t chat much, but I kept thinking. Jesus is our healer, our Jehovah Raphah. This last week or two has been very hard on us because Jay had surgery on February 18, my mother died that afternoon, and Collin’s appointment was on the 19th. There has not been a time of whaling or crying over our mother. We were at peace because she wanted to see Jesus more than anything. We were at peace.
I have the verse of the day sent to my phone each day and on February 26th it read, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” Matt. 5:4. I posted it on my Facebook story and said “You can’t make this stuff up.” I wanted people to know that God was comforting me and speaking to me in the most amazing ways and through friends and loved ones in our church. I actually got excited and began to think more about the church being the hospital and I began to pray that people would know that there are really genuine people in the church there to love and serve you and tell you about how Jesus can save you and give you the peace you so desperately desire.
There are things in our life that we have let sin become a cancer and metastasis to other people in the church. We know their needs to be forgiveness and He is waiting to cure us of all the ugly diseases we carry. There may not be healing, like with Trey, but he’s healthy in heaven. We know we do not have the power to save, only God. There will be changes, as with Collin. There will be more bad news of cancer, as with Jay. But I know, I KNOW, like I told someone else, He never promised us an easy road. He only promised to walk with us through the valleys. He’s got my hand! You need to grab it too!
Psalms 23 – From the Message.
God, my shepherd! I don’t need a thing. You have bedded me down in lush meadows, you find me quiet pools to drink from. True to your word, you let me catch my breath and send me in the right direction.
4 Even when the way goes through Death Valley, I’m not afraid when you walk at my side. Your trusty shepherd’s crook makes me feel secure.
5 You serve me a six-course dinner right in front of my enemies. You revive my drooping head; my cup brims with blessing.
6 Your beauty and love chase after me every day of my life. I’m back home in the house of God for the rest of my life.
I have to tell you Buddy, your Aunt Donna and I saw Hamilton last week. Oh, it was something you would have loved! Almost as much as Wicked. As Aunt Donna and I sat outside on a bench, I asked her, “What do you think Trey would be doing at 23?” She had no idea. I think, as many “girl” friends as you had, you would have been married. We had a good laugh about that. Well, look at all your male friends! They are just about all married!
Ms. Shawn (I know, you don’t know her, but you know Taylor), said something to me after the anniversary of your death. She said I seem to be handling things with more strength. She couldn’t put her finger on it. I told her I knew. I’ve allowed myself to grieve for you. I’m not letting anyone influence me anymore.
I had a rough time one week and I talked to Papa K. I just didn’t know what to do. They lost Oreo, Trey. And he told me that just like Oreo will always be a part of them and they will miss him as they walk through life, so will be the same with you, but to a greater grief. I will always walk through life with an amount of grief as a mother with you beside me. It was like a light bulb went off.
How can I not grieve? I’ve thought about it a lot this week. I’ve been in the bed and tried to remember the feeling 23 years ago and how massive my belly was. You kicked the fool out of me. Sometimes it really hurt. As with labor pains, so does death of the child.
God has put us at Living Hope and Trey, it has been such a blessing. I met someone who lost their child many years ago. They were able to share with me that missing your baby just doesn’t go away and no one should ever tell you to get over it. I felt SO much better! It was like a weight was lifted. God has put many in our path. Remember Ms. Anita and Ms. Janice?
Honey, I know you didn’t want us upset. But on earth, we don’t have the ultimate joy you have in heaven even though we try.
Sometimes, things are pitch black, as if I’m looking down a dark tunnel. I feel as if my heart will break and there is total emptiness. But, the goodness of God fills my soul somehow. I do ask Him why.
Why God are you still forgiving my anger?
Why God are you still loving me after crying with jealously of other parents?
A friend of mine posted this and it’s so true:
“We tend to stay away from mourning and dancing. Too afraid to cry, too shy to dance…we become narrow-minded complainers, avoiding pain and also true human joy…While we live in a world subject to the evil one, we belong to God. Let us mourn, and let us dance.” Henri Nouwen
Trey, I still mourn. But buddy, I do dance. And I’m so thankful for the people in my life that are still willing to walk beside me and your daddy and mourn with us when we need it. You know the 24’s take care of us! You know God understands.
I know you would be so proud of Collin. He’s growing up and trying to find his way. He’s wanting that truck that you wanted to buy. So when he gets it, I know he’ll think of you.
I need to stop the tears and end this Happy Birthday. Another year of healthy in heaven. Please hug Jimdaddy for us. We miss him so. I know you were glad to see someone else to play basketball with!
Dad and I still cling to James 1:2-3 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance.” We endure many trials and we continue to grow.
Another holiday. Another Mother’s Day. This is for all the mothers whose children have gone before us. As Danny Thomas said, “No child should die in the dawn of life.”
We mourn on this day. We are sad and want to hold our children that are not here. But it doesn’t take away from the love we have for our other children.
Don’t be mistaken. If you are a mother who has lost your only child, my child was as irreplaceable in my lonely heart as yours. I can’t bring Trey back and he would not want to come back from God’s presence. Memories of Trey haunt me. I long for his voice, his hugs, his laughter.
I’ve said many times, the biggest fear a mother has is that their child will be forgotten. I believe sometimes the children left behind are loved so fiercely, it’s hard to let them fly.
About two weeks ago, a longtime friend put me in touch with another mother who lost her son seven years ago. She is also a blogger. We talked how we were walking through a dry spell at this time and blogging was not coming as natural. As we talked more, it became apparent that our stories dealing with the death of our child and the child left behind is very similar. Too similar. God places people in your life for a reason.
In church this morning during the greeting, a lady behind me asked if Collin was my son. I said yes and introduced him to her. She said she had lost her son. I told her I had also lost my son. We immediately felt connected. She said she had followed our journey. “Oh your Trey’s mother!” And my heart sank. Yes. I told her thank you and turned around. Before church was over, she passed me her email address. I smiled. Another club member.
As sad as today may be, I was still able to enjoy being with my 88 year old mother and my mother-in-law. These are two wonderful women who have shaped my life and helped my walk in Christ be what it is today. They miss their boy too.
God, thank you for today. You brought other mothers into my life who are hurting like me. God bless you all. As our pastor, Gib Gibson is preaching about rest. It is totally biblical to rest. So mothers, rest. Rest in the fact you are not alone, you are loved by me, by your sweet child, and most of all, an almighty, sovereign God.
“The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Random conversations. Facebook messenger. Email. Text. Coincidental meetings. All females with the same issue…loneliness. Many with depression. We are all the same age and all in the same phase of life.
Out of those conversations came these remarks:
“I go home and just go straight to bed.”
“I go home and just go to my corner of the couch.”
“I never go out with friends because I don’t have any.”
“I sit and watch television by myself.”
“I’m in bed when I go home, just me and my glass of wine.”
“…and since I don’t work, I don’t even have work girlfriends.”
“Maybe we should start a no friends girlfriends club!”
“I feel like social media leads to a lot of depression.”
I’d like to pick it up with the last remark. We smile and waive, laugh at puppy pictures, “likes” on baby pictures, “love” on scripture pictures or postings, all the while using social media as our backup friend. Yet we are the people posting the puppy pictures, babies, and even pictures with our husbands that are either never home or never in the same room. I don’t think society allows us to deal with reality because our character will be judged. Personally, I have never cared. Oh, I lie. I do care or I wouldn’t have dealt with depression since age 18. But, here I am.
According to USA Today, “The suicide rate for white children and teens between 10 and 17 was up 70% between 2006 and 2016, the latest data analysis available from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Although black children and teens kill themselves less often than white youth do, the rate of increase was higher — 77%.”
We are losing too many of our young adults to suicide and asking why. Yet we can’t deal with our own depression and suicide issues. It is very hard to help someone else when you cannot help yourself. I get it. It is the “walk in my shoes” syndrome. I’m there with you.
If you look at the symptoms in children and adults for depression according to Mayo Clinic, many of the symptoms are the same. Symptoms such as:
Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or self-blame
Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things
Loss of interest or pleasure in normal activities
Frequent thoughts of death, dying or suicide
You might ask, “What does this have to do with me in the bed when I come home?” A lot. I look at my son and I wonder what he thinks of me. Then I remember my mother on the couch my entire childhood and it all makes sense. Depression.
What does God say?
I like what how the Message phrases Galatians 6:1-3:
“Live creatively, friends. If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day’s out. Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens, and so complete Christ’s law. If you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived.”
Stoop down and reach out!
How do we decrease the rate of suicide? How do we uplift the depressed? We share burdens. Are you too good for that?
Even with Jesus, loneliness and depression is very difficult. Satan is very powerful and he knows how to turn every thought against you.
There are moments of pure vulnerability and uncertainty no one sees but God during your loneliness. You try to make sense of it all while nurturing raw wounds embedded deeply within your soul. These wounds may be from many different sources such as death, a spouse, children, or even church.
I have tried to throw myself into scripture and prayer crying out to God. I’ve tried to be around friends at work to forget the loneliness.
The struggle is real. It is real with depression and suicide.
These are topics people do not like to talk about. Just like you don’t talk about sex at church, or depression and suicide really. Well, I will talk about it.
A friend of mine said while teaching bible study that sometimes we like to find our answers when we cry out to God in our darkness by opening up the Bible to a random page and just pointing to a verse. We then believe that is the scripture the Holy Spirit sent to us as an answer to our problems. As much as I would like to believe that God works that way in coping with depression, I’m not sure that is His intention. He wants us to seek Him constantly – in and out of depression.
Do you just want to throw in the towel?
Some days. I believe God does heal our wounds of depression. I believe he binds up our beautiful mess with a proper healing. I know He provides sweet conversation with friends of like mind. Though they may be few, they MAY be all you need. It is all in HIS timing. It might be the day I see Him FACE TO FACE! I can only tell you with my experience, it can be debilitating after losing a child. The most hurtful thing you can say to a mother is that it is time to get over it and move on. Nope, nada, ain’t gonna happen. Not soon. I’ll grieve, in some manner, with an amount of depression, (even a thought of suicide, maybe) for the rest of my life for my baby boy. But my faith is NOT diminished! I know that God still holds me in his hands and I take comfort in the song that says… “It’s your breath in my lungs, so I lift up my praise, lift up my praise to you only”.
I’m still on the road…a long and winding road.
But be encouraged! Oh Jerusalem!
“But now take another look. I’m going to give this city a thorough renovation, working a true healing inside and out. I’m going to show them life whole, life brimming with blessings. I’ll restore everything that was lost to Judah and Jerusalem. I’ll build everything back as good as new. I’ll scrub them clean from the dirt they’ve done against me. I’ll forgive everything they’ve done wrong, forgive all their rebellions. And Jerusalem will be a center of joy and praise and glory for all the countries on earth. They’ll get reports on all the good I’m doing for her. They’ll be in awe of the blessings I am pouring on her.” Jer. 33:6-9
Jay was a wrestler so he liked to wrestle with the boys. He had Trey pinned to get his phone. Parents do that just to irritate their kids, ya know.
I remember the laughter…just as if you had tickled him when he was five under his armpits. It became contagious.
Tears from laughter fell.
Tears fall from grief.
Wrestling. What do we wrestle with? I’m wrestling with migraines, depression, grief, a dying dog, and to be honest – God.
Where do you want us God?
Tears fall from frustration and stress.
Eight years ago they wrestled. Today, we are still wrestling.
So for me – my prayer today is from Psalms. “But You, O GOD, the Lord, deal kindly with me for Your name’s sake; Because Your lovingkindness is good, deliver me;”
Psalms 109:21
Random conversations. Facebook messenger. Email. Text. Coincidental meetings. All females with the same issue…loneliness. Many with depression. We are all the same age and all in the same phase of life.
living the life of christ 