Today as I was standing in line waiting to check out, I happened to overhear a conversation going on between two ladies in front of me. One lady was checking out with a large amount of groceries with her young son, and the other lady was waiting behind her. Since the conversation was so intruiging, I didn’t mind the wait. I know, you can’t imagine what would be interesting between two ladies in line at WalMart. I think it was more of what was going on in my mind as they were talking that made it a little more…humerous.
The conversation took me back, way back before there was Throw Back Thursday for those of you who use Instagram. The ladies were discussing how many children there were in the family of the one who had so many groceries. I think, from the conversation, there were more than six. I gather that because the lady behind her had at least five brothers or sisters. I still am invisioning how fast the lady was putting the groceries in her cart as she answered the question, “It just happened that way.” If I am correct, the question was, “Did you plan to have that many children?” And that’s when I began to grin and think back many years ago.
Jay and I traveled the first four plus years of our marriage but we always wanted a large family. We had always talked that three was a good number because he had two brothers and I had two sisters. After Jay and I decided to have children, we thought that would be a breeze – everyone has children. Long story short, I could not conceive without fertility drugs. Before Jay and I had children, I discovered I have a bladder disease and was told that having children would either be one – difficult, or two – should not happen at all. After having Trey, my urologist clearly told me that if I wanted to have any chance of having a bladder when I was older, I should not have a second child. We didn’t listen and decided to have Collin (who sat on my bladder my entire pregnancy!). Our two blessings.
I can remember DISTINCTLY having conversations with a best friend when Trey and Collin were young and her daughter was young that she and her husband NEEDED to think about having a second child. She kept saying NO WAY! I would just say to myself, oh, she needs more children! See, I knew best, of course. After all, the bible says in Ps. 127:3 “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.” I bugged the snot out of her. I see now that there is no way that it was in God’s will for her to have more than one child. I think it’s just what we do — plan to have many children because one is not enough.
My thoughts, as I stood in line, went straight to the moment Jay and I sat in the car after Trey’s death. We both just sat there…speechless. I said to him, “What are we going to do now?” All he could say was, “I don’t know, let’s just go home.” And we went home to our one child, Collin. Our one mouth to feed. Our one child that would return to school, one child to train up in the way as he should go. And that’s where my thoughts took me today. I have ONE child that I know has accepted the Lord as his Savior. I have ONE child to send to college. Sure, only one child that MIGHT bring me grandchildren. But when it all boils down to it, I have to laugh. I think about what the lady said, it just happened. As much as we plan for life, God will ultimately decide how many children we have and in what direction our children will go. God already has one of my children, and that was all His decision – certainly not mine.
Now why do you think that conversation was a blessing? Because not only did I realize that I need to appreciate the mouth that I feed, he is the ONLY mouth I have left. This might sound a little selfish, but I don’t have anymore children to worry whether or not they will meet Jesus one day!!! If Jesus were to return tomorrow, I KNOW, without a shadow of a doubt, my entire family will be sitting at the feet of Jesus. That was my blessing! I would not trade my family for someone else’s in all the world!
As I walked out of WalMart, I thought I might not have to worry about my child, but I know friends who are dealing with their children and it is such a burden they are carrying. The commitment grew in my mind and heart to pray for my friends and their children. My family has been blessed. We have been chosen by God to serve him. “You did not choose me, but I chose you.” John 15:16 This is something I cannot explain. I cannot explain Trey’s path or why the lady in line has more than 6 mouths to feed. This is something I will not know until I reach heaven.
“Commit to the Lord whatever you do and He will establish your plans.” Proverbs 16:3 A renewed commitment to pray. A renewed commitment to pray in line with God’s plan for my life and my family. God even speaks to you in line at WalMart.
I recently had an encounter with satan. You may ask, “How do you know?” I most definitely know. When you are what I would like to call in sync with God in your daily walk and it is interrupted by confusion and inner turmoil that doesn’t come from the Lord – Oh, that’s satan alright!
When I am asked to speak, I always prepare in different ways. Sometimes I might speak to a small group of women (which I am praying to do more of), a college age group, or more recently I spoke during the Sunday School hour at First Baptist Collierville. Each time I tailor my speaking engagement to the crowd. As I was preparing to speak to FBC, I could not get a peace about what I needed to say. It kept ringing in my ears that they were the church around the corner and they should KNOW about Trey. Why did they want to hear from me?
Collin and I had a conversation in the car on the way home from his football game last Tuesday. He asked the same questions that I had of myself. Smart kid. Then I thought of an analogy. Hear my heart as a child on this. I told Collin that it finally came to me that God spoke to me to tell of HIS story through Trey and not worry about anything else. I told him that there might people who did not know about Trey’s character or faith. I told him there might be people there that did not know Jesus. I told Collin there are people that live all around us that might know about Trey, but they don’t know Jesus. I didn’t need to worry about what I had to say about Trey, I just needed to concentrate on praying the next couple of days. And so I did.
I got so comfy after I prayed. I knew exactly what I was going to say about Trey and how it would flow. I could have spoken to the multitudes Tuesday night. THEN BAM! My armor had fallen to my side! I wasn’t protected anymore. What is frightening to me is that I didn’t realize it until after he struck. I have used this verse before, but it still is the most convicting:
John 10:10 “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.”
That thief robbed me. Satan. He robbed me for about four days. I was in turmoil. My joy was gone. I had an upset stomach. I contacted past and present pastors to pray over me till one said it…”armor up, wage war!” I immediately opened my bible to Ephesians 6:10-17.
“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. Stand firm therefore, having girded your loins with truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.”
I studied it and studied it. Even at midnight on Saturday night as I was in bed at a friend’s house. [SIDE NOTE: I really was blessed to be in the home of a friend, Kerri Flowers, whom I had taught Sunday School with for many years. I teach 10th grade girls with Sharis Newman and we had a sleepover that night.] At 11:48 p.m. on Saturday night I received an email. The email was from two doctors that I have been in contact with in Tulsa, Oklahoma. My last correspondence with them per the email was June 11, 2012, prior to Trey’s passing. The husband is a trauma surgeon. Just as satan hit me out of the blue, God blessed me with an encouraging email from this doctor telling me how they still praying for our family. His last paragraph says:
“When dark days come forth, I hope you will remember that even though Trey’s passing has been some time ago, many of us still pray and haven’t forgotten about you and your family. I hope you receive this as an encouragement and as an example of so many families who may have never met you but still have you in our prayers.”
I wanted to run through the house yelling how FAITHFUL God had been in filling me up with His power and mercy! (Don’t worry, the house was already awake. The cat set the house alarm off.) Even though I left FBC on Sunday saying to myself, I should have said this and that, I know God put in their ears what they needed to hear. Jay and I then rushed to Germantown Baptist, our home church, just in time to hear the choir sing Majesty and Glory of Your Name. It’s a little special to us. It was in our wedding.
Going back to John 10:10 and that ugly guy, what’s his name, I think we forget the second half of the verse – “…I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” How abundant are we living? How filled with joy, love, and other fruits of the spirit is your life? That’s what I have to ask myself daily – How are my fruits growing in my life? Am I watering them or letting them die by letting my armor stay by my side?
Hate is a strong word. We don’t use it at our house. But I will allow it once. I do hate satan. He is a creep and he does just that, creep in. The sad thing is we allow it. Even the churchiest of church people walk around with satan in their hearts with smiles on their faces. But you know what? There’s that fruit again. My prayer is that my son is able to see fruit in my life so that he will be able to grow and ask questions. Right now, I am praying through that Collin have the mentoring opportunities Trey did at that age. God has someone for Collin that is the right fit, like Keith Cochran, Ryan Mullins, and Ron Norton were to Trey. Well, not to mention his dad, Jay, his biggest mentor. It’s finding that person with fruit, willing to love, willing to invest. God knows it is not me right now. WE CLASH! WHOA ~ BIG TIME! Trey and I didn’t. Well, not as much.
So, the next time you look at someone at work, school, on the street and think they are a creep – stop and think what they may be dealing with on a daily basis. It just might be satan they are struggling with. Pray for them that they might WIN the battle and stand firm!
Sunday we sang Holy Ground to end our service. I shared with Ron, our music minister, that I changed the words as I sang it because I thought of Trey truly standing on Holy Ground. What a day that will be to be satan free!
So many people thank me for being transparent. Well, buckle up. It’s been a bad week. I remember reading on Facebook this week “It’s a status, not a story.” Some people have a story and I’m thankful I can use this blog as my outlet. Believe me, I have several in edit form that have not been posted. They have not been of God. Seriously. I told my Pastor that if I would have hit send on one, people would have thought someone else wrote it.
You might wonder why has it been a bad week. My mother is in poor health and we are moving her into an independent living facility. It’s not her ideal situation, but what she does not realize is that she will be well taken care of, meet so many new friends, and I believe she will begin to thrive again. We have had many doctors appointments with Collin (sorry, not going there). Just pray for our buddy as we go down a new road with another diagnosis – narcolepsy. Suffice to say, I’ve had a migraine everyday and even a block in my head did not work. Just a lot on the Erwin plate.
As we were working through some things this week and I was talking to my sister, I had to tell her that I was looking at Trey’s last instagram picture and there were comments on there as of one week ago. Yes, one week ago. This picture has over 1200 comments. It was 11:20 p.m. and I was reading and reading. This was Monday night. I reminded my sister that even though we are dealing with all the things on the outside, when I wake up, I think of Trey – because I hear the bus outside to pick him up (It still goes by at the same time). When I go to bed, I think of Trey because he would be doing his homework because he would have been at football most of the afternoon.
So, why such a bad week? It’s Collierville’s homecoming. I’ve pondered it all week. I’ve looked at all the pictures and loved them. Then comes the thoughts that you don’t want to think. Would he have been asked to escort someone? Who would he have asked to homecoming? What would she have worn? I promise you, it’s a crazy road and I cry out to the Lord.
Yesterday, God spoke very clear through an envelope. I didn’t even open it. It was a college admissions letter to The Parents of Trey Erwin. I had to laugh. I posted it on Instagram, of course, and made the reference that they had not received the news…Trey is already an alumni from the University of Tennessee courtesy of the alumni association. I know we will be receiving more letters and it’s okay.
Today, literally, this afternoon as I was praying, I was asking God how did Mary and Joseph handle it? I just needed a little relief. Just a little. When you have lost someone you love, one of your greatest fears is that they will be forgotten. More than that, you will forget. The fear is stifling sometimes that you will forget the little things. If I have that fear, then why would he cross the mind of others? I was picking up Collin at football and I get a text from Sonya Luna that said there is a happy in your mailbox. I told Collin it was cookie dough! We get home and she and Madison had bought me a Hakuna Matata t-shirt they found and Madison had bought herself one. God’s timing is ALWAYS perfect. ALWAYS. I immediately sent her a text and told her what an answer to prayer this was. Her response, the purchase was on her part an act of following through on prompting because she never knows what God has planned for the person on the other end.
It’s amazing how God loves on me. Especially when I don’t deserve it. I can be so selfish – wanting my boy back. But today, I kept going over and over in my head, homecoming, homecoming. That word just kept spinning in my head like a merry-go-round. Finally, I looked up several definitions of the word homecoming. The first thing you think of is sports and alumni. Here are several definitions – the arrival at home of someone who has been away; return home; and my favorite, arrival at home. Homecoming? Sure I’m sad. But I think Trey has had his homecoming. A grand one at that. I just think God wanted him to come home.
Another friend, Ashley Arthur, posted tonight how she tears up every time she hears 10,000 Reasons. I told her that I definitely understand. I wish everyone could have been present during Trey’s homecoming. St. Jude and many others have said that it was an experience they have never witnessed. I can honestly say I have never, ever felt the spirit of our living God so alive in one place. I don’t think I’ve blogged about this, at least I’ve tried to keep it private, but we have heard from Matt Redman. He did reach out to us after Trey’s homecoming. Some of you may not know, but Matt Redman wrote 10,000 Reasons and Trey passed away during the last very of his song. I’ll attach it so you can hear it. I may have attached it before. I think in December. But it’s worth hearing again!
OHHHH, you are not going to believe this. I just received an Instagram alert from someone asking on one of my pictures (that was the last picture I took of him in the hospital) – “How did he die?” That picture talks about his “homecoming!” Collin and I just had the discussion about this blog. I met with a client today who realized I was Trey’s mom and she was so touched by his story. I told her, I will never stop telling His story and how He did a mighty work through Trey. That does NOT make me strong. It just requires me to be obedient. God requires obedience from all of us. When I stand before God on that day, I pray He will say to me, well done.
This minute, I’m okay. Tomorrow, I don’t know. But one thing I do know, homecoming for me has a different meaning and always will. Arrival at home. Eternal home. This is not my home.
And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing your praise unending
10,000 year and then forevermore
It’s late. Very late. And this blog will be random and not well thought out beforehand like most of my blogs. Tonight was an emotional night. Collierville played Germantown and Collierville won 14-7. It has been years since we have beat Germantown. Good job coaches!!!
I was able to have dinner with the senior football boys last night. There was laughter, food, and vicious ping pong. Isaiah Downey invited Collin and picked him up and we were invited as a family. You see, that’s not the first time Isaiah has come by the house to get Collin. He took him this summer to the movie and was at our house to celebrate Trey’s one year homegoing.
Just a special time last night. One mom mentioned how last game the boys walked off a different way and she didn’t get her sweaty hug from her son. I remember those. I miss those. Matter of fact, as most of you have seen, that’s my favorite sweaty picture with Trey. I started talking with the two mom’s and we talked about how long our boys had been together. I shared the story of when Trey and Corbin Peeper played on the same basketball team at GBC and Jim, Corbin’s grandfather, and Tara, Corbin’s mom were their coaches. I told them how they would have to take Corbin out of the game because he would get so angry and intense. The boys had to be 7 or 8. Jim ended up baptizing Trey at Trey’s request and when Trey was sick, Jim might have missed sitting with us only once during tests or treatment. Such a special history.
So tonight, the air was thick. The boys were anxious to win. Before Isaiah and Corbin entered the Dragon tunnel tonight, i pointed at them as to say – it’s your night – and they pointed right back. I think that the majority of the team would agree when I say Isaiah had a heck of a game. There were tackles, blocks, an interception and hands in the air with #13 shown.
I know there were friends of mine there that normally do not come to the Collierville games. I was talking with Coach Kyle Reed, one of Trey’s favorite coaches and a man of God during the game. We talked about how the atmosphere was Trey’s place. It’s where he belonged, he lived, he learned and we talked about those things. The songs that were played were Trey’s songs, #13 in the air, painted on the field, on flags, and yes, painted on bodies. But those were the people that knew Trey. When I talked to the senior boys last night I told them that the one thing Trey was worried about was Collin. I challenged them to be an example on and off the field. And I got the chance to tell, just the senior boys, Trey’s teammates, how much they meant to us. And no, I did’t hold it together. But that’s okay…
After the game, with raw emotions, a football player walked directly to me and as we hugged, our tears began to fall. He cried out of joy for the win, out of loss for his friend, out of love for his friend’s mom…and I was holding my boy again. I got that sweaty hug tonight, from Isaiah Downey. He wasn’t concerned about his man card. The last football player to be by Trey’s side within the hour of his death. And then they came, one after another, sweaty hugs. You may think this is gross, but I came home and didn’t take a shower. It’s HIS smell…sensory grief. My only regret, Jay had to work and could not share it with me. Next week, we’ll both get sweaty hugs.
Dragons-The Erwin family loves you! Trey will always be with you!
That question was asked of me in Starbucks this morning. Do I know you? You look so familiar and I see you everywhere. I had to explain who I was and when I did, they immediately put two and two together. As soon as I said…I’m Trey Erwin’s mother. But I did get a very nice compliment out of it. He told me I looked very pretty today. I’ll take that!
I got in my car and thought, one day, I won’t be known as Trey Erwin’s mama and that’s okay because I’ll always be his mama. I watched his testimony this week on my computer for about the 50th time. This time, I looked at his eyes. They blinked so slowly. I remember how he felt that day. So tired and weak. But in true Trey fashion form, he didn’t want the tape from his port to show from under his Polo. But seriously, in this eyes, I saw the passion of what he was saying. I knew that he meant everything he was going through he did not want to receive any glory for and wanted God to receive it all. No one, NO ONE, knew Trey better than his mama and his dad.
That thought has been looming on my mind all day. Do I know you? The words of Jesus come to mind in Luke 13:23-30. In the Message, it is quoted:
23-25 A bystander said, “Master, will only a few be saved?”
He said, “Whether few or many is none of your business. Put your mind on your life with God. The way to life—to God!—is vigorous and requires your total attention. A lot of you are going to assume that you’ll sit down to God’s salvation banquet just because you’ve been hanging around the neighborhood all your lives. Well, one day you’re going to be banging on the door, wanting to get in, but you’ll find the door locked and the Master saying, ‘Sorry, you’re not on my guest list.’
26-27 “You’ll protest, ‘But we’ve known you all our lives!’ only to be interrupted with his abrupt, ‘Your kind of knowing can hardly be called knowing. You don’t know the first thing about me.’
28-30 “That’s when you’ll find yourselves out in the cold, strangers to grace. You’ll watch Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, and all the prophets march into God’s kingdom. You’ll watch outsiders stream in from east, west, north, and south and sit down at the table of God’s kingdom. And all the time you’ll be outside looking in—and wondering what happened.
In the New American Standard – Jesus says in Luke 13:23-28:
23 And someone said to Him, “Lord, are there just a few who are being saved?” And He said to them, 24 “Strive to enter through the narrow door; for many, I tell you, will seek to enter and will not be able. 25 Once the head of the house gets up and shuts the door, and you begin to stand outside and knock on the door, saying, ‘Lord, open up to us!’ then He will answer and say to you, ‘I do not know where you are from.’ 26 Then you will begin to say, ‘We ate and drank in Your presence, and You taught in our streets’; 27 and He will say, ‘I tell you, I do not know where you are from; depart from Me, all you evildoers.’ 28 In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth when you see Abraham and Isaac and Jacob and all the prophets in the kingdom of God, but yourselves being thrown out.
Jesus is very, VERY clear that those that are not saved will not enter the kingdom of heaven. He even says, I DO NOT KNOW YOU! I thought about that this morning when then gentleman spoke to me, I do not know you. Oh my goodness. What if my Jesus said that to me? What if He said that to Trey? I am so glad that I have peace I know that He didn’t.
There is a reason I posted the two different versions. Sometimes, the Message just tells it like it is. Yes, we are all just hanging out, minding our own business and not paying attention to what Jesus has to do in our lives. But one day, there will come a time that we will need to know everything about Him, NOW. Trey knew that urgency and hoped others were getting that message.
I remember when I was younger my sister would say that she was ready for Jesus to come back any day. I would say NO! NO! I’m not married yet! I don’t have children! Well, my tune has changed. I now see through God’s eyes how the world is saturated with Satan’s lies and filth and my greatest goal is to gather as many as I can, as fast as I can, and run this race to Jesus! That’s exactly what I told Trey as his heart stopped beating, run to Jesus buddy, as fast as you can.
Now we are left here to deal with Satan’s temptations and thankfully God’s forgiveness and grace. But I assure you, only, ONLY if you are a Christian can you overcome Satan’s power with Christ by your side. Satan tempts me every single day to give in and just admit I can’t go one more day. I won’t do that. I can’t do that. I have a husband and a son who depend on me and I on them.
The great thing is Satan will never win. God already has and He knows me, by name. He knows my husband and both of my children. So Jesus, if you would, you can come get me.
It’s the first day of school for Collin at Collierville Middle as an 8th grader. Big man on campus. His last year there. So many memories come flooding back to Trey’s last year at CMS; teachers, football, projects, friends, puberty! All of the same things Collin is experiencing. My prayer is that Collin will be able to have fun this year. Collin does not like school, AT ALL! There is so much pressure on him because of his ADD. I think some of the pressure he puts on himself if he’ll just listen. Oh, wait, he’s 14. That’s right, they know everything. That much I do remember about Trey.
All of Trey’s friends are starting their senior year today. It has already brought tears. But he has a parking space with a special friend, so he’ll be with him every morning and afternoon as he goes to school then to football practice. There will be a class or classes that will have an empty chair and someone will look at it and think of him. Funny things will be said and they will think – that is so Trey. Someone will get the books he had and they will grin. When there is a silent moment in the morning, he will be remembered as being in heaven, instead of homeroom or in pain.
I won’t receive that phone call in the afternoon after football. He always called me and said – Mom, I’m home. I’m going to get me a bite to eat and take a nap, then start on my homework, okay? I would say okay, have you taken care of the dogs? Yes ma’am, do you know what we are having for supper? Honey, I have NO IDEA! Okay, love you mom. Love you too. Make sure Collin starts on his homework when he gets home. Mom, I’ll try, but he never listens to me. Trey, just tell him what I said. Okay, okay. Bye mom. By hon.
I promise – Just about EVERYDAY – the same conversation. And now, I have the same conversation with Collin. Little different outcome, but still the same basic conversation. I just can’t tell him anything to do over the phone. Instead, we will talk about his day. As long as the dogs are not still in the kennel when I get home at 5:30, I’ll be happy!
Two parents – two different sons, to a point. Collin is becoming more like Trey. And that is certainly not a bad thing. He’s growing up. He’s going through that “I don’t smile” phase. Ugh. That’s an 8th grader. But he sure does smile when he’s with other people. Trey was the same way.
We have been talking to Collin more and more about how he IS like Trey and that is not a bad thing. I had a precious conversation with friends, Greg and Marcella Bouldien. Greg put on Trey’s braces and is now working on Collin. (Insert short story) We have a small bond with this family. Nick Bouldien wore #13 at Collierville. That number was my number growing up in sports. When Trey came on to the JV team and Nick was graduating, Trey wrote Nick a letter and asked his permission to have his number, if I remember correctly. No, I didn’t tell him to do that. That was just Trey. Moving on…. We were talking after the scrimmage Friday night about Trey and Collin and how Collin can say Trey was MY brother and to be proud of his brother. Greg brought to my attention the scripture in Proverbs 22:1 ~
“A good name is to be more desired than great wealth, favor is better than silver and gold.”
It just hammered home for me that ERWIN is to be a name that Collin should be proud of, but first, his identity is in Christ. So, as our kids enter this new year, my prayer is that they will have their identity in Christ first who will lay the foundation for everything else. In turn, I pray our kids will learn to lift up His name higher than their own. Be BOLD! It’s hard to live like Jesus in school.
I have set my alarm on my phone to pray for Collin, CHS, and GBC (Germantown Baptist) at 8 a.m. every morning. In the hustle of our day, we forget to lift our children daily to the Lord. I want Collin to survive this year much better than the last. And if I have it my way, I would love for him to END his 8th grade year at graduation just like Trey did. Five of his friends wrote T.R.E.Y.! on their stomachs and as he walked across the stage at Germantown Baptist, they lifted their shirts in the balcony. Oh yes, I have pictures! That’s brotherly love right there. And one of those friends, Tim Few – in 8th grade – was also at his feet when he met Jesus. Choosing friends wisely NOW is so important. We never know when we will meet Jesus. There was nothing unique about Trey. He was just chosen by God to spread His name through suffering. We are all called to do just that!
Students – Trey would tell you to live each day at school as if you were going to meet Jesus that day! And, GO DRAGONS!
Wow. What a week. I wish I had some more time off to take. I only have three days of vacation left! Maybe I should have planned better. When it comes to grieving, planning is just thrown out the window! I have found that each day is different. I can wake up, be fine, and go downhill within a matter of an hour. Now just what causes that?
There are so many things and I can’t begin to describe them. As I have said before, we are all grieving differently in our house. Our entire family is grieving in different ways. One principle that our family stands on is that we have told our children we will never lie to them. We never lied to Trey during his cancer. Sometimes, when they ask hard questions, telling them the truth hurts. I remember having a difficult conversation with Trey that I had to admit a sin of the past because of questions he asked. It was a learning moment for him “Don’t do as I do, do as I say.” I will never, ever forget that conversation standing in front of the refrigerator in our kitchen. Ever. But I told him the truth and he respected me for it. I remember getting a – Thanks mom. You might think by telling them ugliness it will push them into curiousity. Sometimes, they just want to know their parents are human.
Grieving is much the same way. I mentioned before that I am pursuing learning who my identity is in Christ. I am so appreciative of my pastor who is helping me down this road. I remember him telling me when we started that it would mean letting go of some of me. You know the phrase – I much decrease so that He can increase. Pastor Charles told me there would be hard moments of tears and gut wrenching things that I would face. At the time, I really didn’t grasp it in totality. In this grieving process, letting things go is letting go a little bit of Trey a piece at a time. The sadness. Yes, some is anger that I am dealing with right now. Even the strongest, STRONGEST of Christians cannot go through grieving without hitting an anger patch. And sometimes it’s very fleeting. Sometimes that anger is at people who do not understand your grieving who did not know your son personally. But I truly feel, if they are Christians, they will love us where we are, put their arms around us, and say I will walk with you or be here at the end because I have never experienced this. I can tell you, there are things going on in our household that you will never know. Things that hurt us to the core. Choices we have had to make for our family. New walks of life sometimes include new friends and letting go of old friends. God never promised it would be easy, only that He would love us through it. We were at dinner the other night with new friends and I told them how thankful I was for them because if it were not for Trey, we would not have cultivated our precious friendship – and we have so much in common!
So, how do I let go a little bit of Trey at a time? I don’t have that answer yet. Let go is not a good phrase – learn to cope, maybe. My wound is not healed. It is healing though and that’s what I am working on. Now you are wondering when I lied. I’m probably not the only one. I said that when I got the tattoo, I would take his bracelet off because I had the tattoo. I have had this on for a year. It would be like not wearing my watch. Why do I feel it identifies me? It doesn’t. It’s a rubber bracelet that he never saw. But when I leave the house and I don’t have it on, I panic. That’s not good. I’m just not over that hump yet. I thought the tattoo would satisfy the need for the bracelet. What I am finding, nothing is satisfying the need for Trey.
This is where the change needs to come. There should be nothing that satisfies us like our need for Christ and our desire to be fed by His word. I know this in my head and I know his in my heart and I am craving the word to find out how can I be MORE like Christ and LESS like Lisa. Oh, that’s what my boy desired. It’s just a matter of moving all the memories of my son to the side and letting Christ satisfy my longing. I think I’ll turn that switch on tomorrow. I wish it was a switch! Emotions are a hard thing to switch on and off. YOU CANNOT JUST SWITCH EMOTIONS OFF. TREY DIED AND IF YOU LOVED HIM, THE FEELINGS YOU HAVE FOR HIM JUST DON’T GO AWAY.Hello!!!! Trey died! I have to tell myself that (and others). He will never come back, you will never talk to him again, and feelings will never be returned. Now, swallow that. There are days I think, oh my gosh, Trey is dead. He’s actually dead. It’s a part of life you have to accept. But how does a mother accept her baby boy is dead? R.E.A.L.I.T.Y. CHECK! But if I don’t grieve, I will live this way the rest of my life and that is NOT what God desires. He desires for us to bear fruit as He talks about in John 15. We are the branches and He is the vine. Shriveling up is not an option for my type A personality. Okay, some of you can stop laughing. There is a bright side. I see him in so many of his friends. And for that, I am very thankful. He’s a little bit of Daniel Roberts (a lot actually), and Tim Few and Cody Jordan and Hunter Byer and Thomas Boone and Corbin Peeper – so many more.
My boss, Joe, verified yesterday that birthdays are much harder than the day he died. The day he died he went to be with Jesus. That’s a celebration. The day of his birth is not a celebration. I will and have been mourning for that day. He came into the world with so much hope. Every parent dreams what their child will be like in elementary, middle, and high school. Will they like sports? Or will they be musical? Will they love to read, or will you have to buy spark notes? Will you fight with homework or will it come easy? Will they make good choices in friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, colleges, careers and ultimately a spouse. How many children will they have…and I stop there. So many dreams, gone. As a teen reading this, it will not bother you because you have that future to look forward to and that’s okay. As an adult, maybe you have experienced this loss. This is how you understand the grieving of birth is so much stronger than the grieving of death. That’s why I have said that his senior year will be difficult because it is filled with so many markers during the year and milestones.
I had a client in our office walk by my desk yesterday and remark about the football pictures of Trey. He just talked and talked about his smile and how handsome he was. He was from Little Rock and did not know the story. I proceeded to tell him and did not go into detail. I have a calling card with my blog site on it and I welcomed him to read about Trey and his faith (and our family). Sometimes you can’t tell a fourth-month history in five minutes, you can only plant a seed and let God handle the rest. As I handed him the card, I distinctly remember praying, Lord let him use this. It was just a small grasp and wanting to see God work.
Another song I sang to Trey when he was a baby was the song “How Can I Live Without You” by Leann Rimes. It had just been released. When your baby is born, you are SO in love with your baby. It’s a love that is all encompassing. You just can’t imagine not having that little bundle in your life. I remember crying when I would sing that to him. Was God preparing me? Of course, I do believe that God already knew Trey’s path. Matter of fact, Trey had surgery the end of his first grade year to remove a swollen lymph node because we were already suspicious. What a coincidence – He didn’t finish out 1st grade at school or 11th grade at school, but he still passed!
I think I can sum this up by saying that it will take more than just a year to grieve. Some have not even begun to grieve. I know his football team misses him. Some of his teammates were in the room when he died. I sure love those boys – all those boys. And no one, NO ONE, will ever tell the Erwin family that we are not loved by the Collierville Dragon family. We appreciate you for helping our grieving be a little easier on some days. Our mighty dragon left a larger than life impression on a small community that will hopefully never forget him, his smile, his bravery, his wisdom, and most importantly, his faith.
Yep, I lied. I thought I could do this and I can’t. But you know what – I can do ALL things through Christ. That’s my hope, my faith, our faith and strangely, that’s where I put my grief – in Christ. He knows my pain and catches each tear as I drive home from work.
This is one of my favorite passages of scripture – John 15:1-17 I am giving it to you in the Message version because I like the way it reads. My desire, to continue to bear fruit for the Lord. I do not want my grieving in any way to hinder my growth in Christ and what He has for me to do in order to bear fruit. So, He’s pruning me right now to be a better servant for Him. I do a lot of repenting, a lot of thanking, and a lot of begging for God to work. If you are grieving, or suffering, maybe you’ll connect with this song by ffh also.
Next Wednesday is Trey’s 17th Birthday. It will be very hard. As long as I have Jay, Collin, family, and I think, as planned, the CHS football team around us, on the field, we’ll be fine. Trey will be there – with his team. And the Lord will be there. Moving.
John 15:1-17
1-3 “I am the Real Vine and my Father is the Farmer. He cuts off every branch of me that doesn’t bear grapes. And every branch that is grape-bearing he prunes back so it will bear even more. You are already pruned back by the message I have spoken.
4 “Live in me. Make your home in me just as I do in you. In the same way that a branch can’t bear grapes by itself but only by being joined to the vine, you can’t bear fruit unless you are joined with me.
5-8 “I am the Vine, you are the branches. When you’re joined with me and I with you, the relation intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant. Separated, you can’t produce a thing. Anyone who separates from me is deadwood, gathered up and thrown on the bonfire. But if you make yourselves at home with me and my words are at home in you, you can be sure that whatever you ask will be listened to and acted upon. This is how my Father shows who he is—when you produce grapes, when you mature as my disciples.
9-10 “I’ve loved you the way my Father has loved me. Make yourselves at home in my love. If you keep my commands, you’ll remain intimately at home in my love. That’s what I’ve done—kept my Father’s commands and made myself at home in his love.
11-15 “I’ve told you these things for a purpose: that my joy might be your joy, and your joy wholly mature. This is my command: Love one another the way I loved you. This is the very best way to love. Put your life on the line for your friends. You are my friends when you do the things I command you. I’m no longer calling you servants because servants don’t understand what their master is thinking and planning. No, I’ve named you friends because I’ve let you in on everything I’ve heard from the Father.
16 “You didn’t choose me, remember; I chose you, and put you in the world to bear fruit, fruit that won’t spoil. As fruit bearers, whatever you ask the Father in relation to me, he gives you.
17 “But remember the root command: Love one another.
Yesterday, I was in the gift shop in Turks and Caicos buying our last little bit of goodies, I was buying something purple. The ladies behind counter noticed my Coach wallet was purple and my beach bag was purple. She said you must like purple! OPEN DOOR!
So I began to explain that first purple
was the color for pancreatic cancer and it was my son’s favorite color. I continued to tell the story of Trey’s faith and what God did through him. They said he had a purpose. I said oh yes. God chose him for that purpose.
After we talked about how long Trey Erwin lived, the ladies remarked about the smile on my face and how sad they were. I told them I was not sad. He was with Jesus, just where he wanted to be. They said oh but it must be sad for you. I said sometimes it is, but I get to see the work God is doing through his testimony. Then I told them to google his name and they would find his testimony.
This happened more than once. I took the opportunity to compliment a lady who has a sunshine tattoo on her shoulder. She told me it was on of those things she did as a kid. Her husband walked up and had an Air Force jet on his side. He had that tattoo because his father died in an Air Force crash. I told the family (with Collin behind me) how I sang You Are My Sunshine to Trey as a child. I showed them my tattoo and we talked about Trey and I thought it was so unique how Collin would jump in and fill in the story such as the date of his death and how long he was sick. We parted ways with the family with them asking Collin to join them on one of the teen dinner excursions. I hope I showed Collin how easy it is to take the opportunity to speak to someone and bring your faith into the conversation. When we walked away, he didn’t ask me, mom, why did you talk to them. So, I think with the mission trip training, he’s getting the hang of it! That’s what Trey did! Thank you Lord!
You never know what kind of door God will open for you. It might be something as simple as talking about a color. Or you may have to step out when you see someone that you believe you have something in common with and trust God to lead the conversation.
Open hearts lead to open doors. Another thing, I didn’t realize my countenance as I was telling Trey’s story. Thank you Jesus for
shining through me!
Jesus said in John 10:9 “I am the door; of anyone enters through me, he shall be saved and shall go in and out; and find pasture.”
Remember in Psalms – he maketh me lie down in green pastures!!! Ahh!! Green pastures!!!
I’ve asked myself this question many times, what would be the first thing I would grab if my house was on fire (other than the dogs, of course). I’ve always said my wedding photos. They can’t be replaced. That’s really something to think about. They are close to the front door and the family knows, get the photos!
Yesterday I was walking to the car and the thought, OH! I need to drop off my Hallmark order at Debbie’s Hallmark in Germantown. Since Jay and I were first married, I have collected Hallmark ornaments just like my sisters. There are series of ornaments, ornaments for babies, teachers, sports, I’m sure you have seen them all. There are three different series that I collect. When Trey was first born, my sister, Judy, started Trey with the very first miniature train engine. This year will be #18 in the series. Trey always got his trains out and would line them up on a shelf. He made sure they were in series number order. They were HIS trains. Maybe this year I will be able to get them out.
More for Collin than for Jay, I started the miniature fire engines. This year will be #11. Collin also gets them out and puts them on a side table. What Collin REALLY likes is my Wizard of Oz collection. I have them of every sort and kind. You can walk through the house and hear the witch cackling and know Collin has pushed the button. Not sure where they will go this year or if I will even get them out.
All of this RUSHED through my head, literally, within ten steps of walking to the car. Just a flashback of memories. Then, God spoke to me, as plain as day:
“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal; for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” Matt. 6:19-21
I don’t think God was saying, Lisa, don’t go get the ornaments. I think God was reminding me of what do I treasure most. And I thought about my sister, Donna, who is moving and having to choose what she is keeping, selling, and throwing away. And then my mind went to my husband who is a firefighter/paramedic. He goes to so many houses where people live that are hoarders. (Have you ever seen that show? OH MY!) They tell them if they have to respond to a fire, they may not be able to get to them because of the STUFF that is in the entry or blocking whatever room they are in. It’s because of STUFF. Lots of STUFF.
Sunday was July 7. It was the day we buried Trey last year. In Trey’s casket was a stuffed animal from Collin that he wanted to go with Trey. His class ring was on his finger. To be honest with you, I can’t remember if there was a polo hat in there or not. He WAS wearing a polo shirt and pants! Jay took his class ring off before he closed the casket himself. On Sunday, for the first occasion, I wore Trey’s class ring. Collin asked if he could wear it. I said sure, but treat it with respect, do not let anyone wear it, and do not take it off. During the service, it was passed down the row to me. I’m proud that Collin decided just give it back to mom. That ring is just STUFF. It means something to us, but it would not have gone to heaven with Trey. I doubt Jesus would have asked to see it.
This morning, I came into work and I read Jesus Calling. Did you read it? I’ll reprint it for you here. I don’t think Sarah would mind. I don’t think this was a coincidence.
WORSHIP ME ONLY. Idolatry has always been the downfall of My people. I make no secrets about being a jealous God. Current idols are more subtle than ancient ones, because today’s false gods are often outside the field of religion. People, possessions, status, and self-aggrandizement are some of the most popular deities today. Beware of bowing down before these things. False gods never satisfy; instead they stir up lust for more and more.
When you seek Me instead of the world’s idols, you experience My Joy and Peace. These intangibles slake the thirst of your soul, providing deep satisfaction. The glitter of the world is tinny and temporal. The Light O My Presence is brilliant and everlasting. Walk in the Light with Me. Thus you become a beacon through whom others are drawn to Me.
Exodus 20:4-5 – “You shall not make for yourself a carved image—any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me.”
Samuel 22:29 – “For You are my lamp, O Lord; The Lord shall enlighten my darkness.”
I just went WOW. Did you get that? “…today’s false gods are often outside the field of religion.” How much of my house is STUFF? There is so much of Trey’s STUFF I haven’t even looked through because of my own selfishness of not wanting to let go of his image – TREY’S image. That time will come. But how many of us have TVs, boats, jobs, sports that we put before the image of God? Do we hoard God? I want to be a hoarder of God so that when someone walks in my house, there is NOTHING they step over or through except the presence of the Holy Spirit. Maybe then, my husband will change from calling me a neat freak and I’ll be called a Jesus Freak.
Hummmm…they always said you would want a second tattoo. Calm down people. It’s just a joke.
Hoard your God, not your Stuff! But don’t judge – Trey’s stuff and image will be around for ME for a while. Like Bernadette in the Bahamas said, you just have to be a mother!
Approximately seven months ago, I offered to chaperone four girls on their senior trip after overhearing them talking about it. It actually started out that I would go to the beach with them. As I began to think about a condo in Florida, I realized you can take a cruise just as cheap. So started my plan. (And CONTRARY to what many think and what rumors have flown, the Erwin family did NOT pay for the entire trip for everyone. The End.)
I love to travel. I live to plan my next trip. As the planning process began, we had to choose a date. Because of high school camp with GBC and college orientation, we chose June 29-July 5. I even received flack from people because I was going to be away from my husband on July 5. Uh, don’t you think my husband and I talk? He and Collin took a trip to Dollywood for a week the week before we left. Their first man trip together and they had a blast. It was a great bonding time for them.
Julianne Shiles (Trey’s girlfriend), Leighton Newman, Madison Young, Katie Beth Hopkins, and I hopped a plane to Miami on Saturday, June 29 for two days prior to getting on the Majesty of the Seas for the Bahamas. Just to sum up our personal time on the trip – we laughed until we could laugh no more. I was even grabbing the hand rail walking down the hall so I wouldn’t pee we were laughing so hard! We were not ashamed to pray at dinner with our dinner companions (a family of three). And I am proud to say the girls conducted themselves in a manner that their parents would be proud. They knew I held no rope around their neck and they could come and go as they pleased, but they were respectful and courteous.
Before we left, I gave them all journals. I told them that I wanted them to write and/or think about what God had showed them that day and what they had done for God. We would talk about it later. I would catch Madison going at it in her journal. It was theirs to keep and read, not for anyone else. And I had one too. Many personal feelings spilled in those journals, I’m sure. We didn’t talk about it too much, but Trey was on our minds.
On formal night, the family at our table brought us all roses. It was the sweetest thing. We each had a red rose. When I got back to our room, the girls had bought me a half dozen roses and the card said “From Trey and his Girls, We love you”. What the girls didn’t realize till later is that the florist gave them 8 roses. We decided to add our roses in with what they had bought. I stood there just amazed and said girls, you won’t believe this, but there are 13 roses here. We all just went WHOA!!!! It was a good moment for all of us.
Jumping back a bit, the first day we spent in the Bahamas, we went to Atlantis. Everywhere we went, people would ask, “Are these your daughters?” As much as I would have loved to say yes and claim all of them, it gave us the opportunity to tell why we were on the trip. We told the story over and over again. I would introduce Julianne and explain about Trey and the girls being Trey’s girls who stood by him during his illness and it opened the door to how God worked in Trey’s life. We were on the lazy river (which is not lazy) at Atlantis and we were waiting to go on a hill and a man complimented my tattoo. We began to talk and it led to me explaining the reason behind the tattoo. JUST THE REASON WHY I GOT IT – SEE!!!!! His face became very down and he began to talk about his divorce, etc. and it opened a door for me to be encouraging to him about God and forgiveness.
Our next island was Coco Cay. While we were shopping, I was asked the same question about the girls by a Bahamian lady. She immediately said her son would be 17 this year. She explained her story and how she could not have survived without the Lord. When she mentioned the Lord, I began to inquire about her salvation. She said, Oh, Yes, Jesus is my savior. Her name is Bernadette and we said that we would pray for each other as the years are hard. Her son died at 7 weeks 3 days. She said she cried until two years ago when he came to her in a dream and spoke to her and told her to stop crying, that he is fine and brushed her tears away. She said she has not cried since. We hugged and talked more about walking with the Lord during the time of loss. I’m glad Madison was standing there to hear both of us talk. It can be so easy and I didn’t realize how easy, to begin a conversation about Christ. I will never forget that moment.
I think the moment that all of us will remember is when we all returned from walking around Key West and we were lounging on the deck. Leighton accidentally knocked plates and pizza crumbs went everywhere. (She did that a lot this trip! Ha ha Leighton!) A Haitian man with a broom came up to sweep the crumbs. We began to talk and one of the girls asked him if he liked his job. He said he did not like his job but he liked having a job because he has something else he wants to do. I asked him what that was. He said it was a secret and he pointed to his chest. He said, if I tell you, it will not be a secret anymore and words have ears. I liked that – WORDS HAVE EARS. I began to realize it probably had something to do with his culture. I did tell him that even though our tongue can be like a two-edged sword, we should look to God for our guidance and He will lead us. To our surprise he grinned and kind of stuttered and said – like is says in Proverbs – and he could not remember the chapter and verse – but he quoted “I love those who love me; And those who diligently seek me will find me.” He kept saying seek, seek and you will find. I grabbed my phone and brought the bible up and his eyes got big and he said “YOU HAVE THE BIBLE ON YOUR PHONE!” I said yes. We found the verse – Prov. 8:17. He said “One day, I will have the bible on my phone.” I asked him why he didn’t carry a small bible in his back pocket. He said OHHH, it would get crumbled and bent. If we ONLY cared that much about our own bible. We kept talking to him and he said he was so glad we spilled the crumbs because it gave him a chance to talk to someone that talks about his Lord too. WHAT A GOD MOMENT. He would sweep a few chairs away and come back and keep talking. It was so cool.
We flew back to Memphis on July 5. Yes, that was the anniversary of Trey’s death. I’ve never been so exhausted. We had kids from Collierville High and kids from church come to the house that I had asked specifically to share in the evening. I was able to share some of the stories from above and they were able to share funny stories about Trey like the white napkin, him being told to gain weight and his reply with a straight face, “Ma’am, I have cancer” and walking out and bursting into laughter. That kid. Even stories of him crossing the street and trucks honking at him and him yelling, “Don’t you know I have cancer!” He truly lived up to the phrase – Hakuna Matata. Then, we all piled up and watched Lion King. Such a fitting way to honor Trey. Laugh at things he would laugh at and watch his favorite movie.
Lord, thank you for being with us and so ever present on this trip. Thank you for giving me four GREAT girls to share a time that could have been spent in tears. Thank you for giving us laughter, and yes, even tears together sometimes, but for good reasons. Thank you for boldness to speak your name. I pray that the words we spread will not come back void and blessings will return to the girls for being obedient to your word. I thank you for all the sweet children, yes precious souls, that gathered at our house on Friday to remember the legacy of Trey. I pray that you would prick their hearts to remember him, his story, and to tell it often of his love for you, his bravery, his courage, and his wisdom, all gained from reading your word and being obedient even till death. Lord, these words come to mind because I know this is what Trey would say – I will not boast in anything. No gifts, no power, no wisdom. But I will boast in Jesus Christ, his death and resurrection. Why should I gain from His reward, I cannot give an answer. For this I know with all my heart, His wounds have paid my ransom! Thank you Lord for paying MY ransom and the ransom for my son. Hug him for me, for his Dad, for his brother, for his girls. Amen.
living the life of christ 