It’s that time of year.  You know, when people say Happy Holidays! Or Merry Christmas!  But for most, the whirl of a year of grief did not just start all over again.  Don’t ask me why I thought something magical would happen after a year and things would all of a sudden get better.  If anything, I feel I’ve turned a corner to a different kind of grief.  I knew walking through things with his senior class would be tough, but not this tough.  There are definitely more tears publicly and at night when I go to bed.  But as hard as I try, they just don’t stop.  I told a friend today that I have actually cried out to the Lord “Why!” knowing the answers all along.  If He’s my father, he already knows my heart and has a big enough lap to handle my needs.

It doesn’t help that the majority of his support group at church has either fallen away, moved to another church, or they are at college.  That is why I was so excited when they came home at Thanksgiving.  Trey always hung with the older crowd at church.  Even though I thought I was well on my way to having my identity being Lisa Erwin and not just Trey’s mom, I have always said, I will ALWAYS be Trey’s mom!  It’s a hard scale to balance.

I hear him now – Mom, the Sound of Music is on! Nothing makes sense.  This intense, gut wrenching pain that you keep suppressed just below the surface bubbles each day and just when you don’t expect it ~ that pain comes out in tears, silence, or the overwhelming desire to not roll out of bed.  Or, as I am sitting in traffic and you see the 18 wheeler coming up behind you and you think to yourself for a split second that you don’t care if it stops.  Then you shake yourself back into reality.  That’s the definition of being hit by a Mack truck and I know what it feels like.  This is daily.  Trust me, it’s nothing a drug can cure.

I’ve been reading the book The Circle Maker and one thing the author did was take a break from social media in order to finish his book.  I’ve tossed that idea around in my head because I don’t think I’ll ever get it finished unless I concentrate on it.  But also, social media adds so many reminders that may not fit our family any longer.  If you were to drive by our house each night you would think we were not at home.  The house is dark, no lights, no life.  Only the light of the tv and usually everyone is a different room.

But days were once different.  When at Christmas, Jay and I spent too much money on our kids for Christmas.  I remember one Christmas Trey sat on a bar stool and his boxes were higher than the stool and he had his arm on them.  Oh, I have pictures.  We have tried this year to buy for Collin, but nothing can make up for the loss of Trey.  And really, it shouldn’t because buying gifts is not what Christmas is all about.  I have a dear friend who is an attorney who shared this story with me years ago.  When her children were little, she started out only giving them three gifts each.  She explained to them that is what the wise men brought to Jesus when he was born.  Her Godly example still speaks to my heart.

Christ was born in a small stable, to Mary and Joseph.  How did they feel?  As Christ grew He knew what He would be facing.  He knew that He was born to die.  This was His purpose. Yet as He was to die for our sins, He was distressed as it says in Mark 14:34-35

“And He said to them, “My soul is deeply grieved to the point of death; remain here and keep watch.” And He went a little beyond them, and fell to the ground and began to pray that if it were possible, the hour might pass Him by.  And He was saying, “Abba! Father! All things are possible for You; remove this cup from Me; yet not what I will, but what You will.”

I think it takes more than a year for me to accept as a mother that my son was born for a purpose, to live for four months with a horrible disease, and die.  All he said was that he wanted to be normal.  In those early weeks he would cry and tell me he wanted to be normal.  Just he and I, we had a momma and son moment and he just cried.  That was about the only time he ever showed any kind of desire to understand what was going on in his life.  And I couldn’t give it to him.  But that’s when his faith took off more.

So as we play with elves, watch Buddy the Elf, shop at every store for the Xbox One, make Christmas candy, do all the things that are our family traditions, I am doing my best to remind myself that it’s all just fluff and Christ is the reason for Christmas.  If it weren’t for His birth and death, I would have no way to cope with the death of my own son.  I would have no hope of eternity.  Even in grief, my hope is still in the Lord.  But as much as people try to understand, you can’t understand how much I miss my buddy.  Because you know what, above all, he wasn’t ashamed of his momma.  And that makes me proud.  I’m proud of you Trey Erwin.  For reminding me to worship The Great I Am.

I love the way wet leaves will leave an impression on concrete.  Sometimes the impression is perfect in form and sometimes it is distorted around the edges.  Eventually, the impression of the leaves will fade with time due to weather.  But while they are there, some go noticed (by me) and some are walked on and/or overlooked.

Last evening as I was working on my book, I just happened to be at the part that talked about the influence and impression that one man made on Trey.  At the same time, he jumped on Facebook.  That would be Keith Cochran, aka Rev. Keith Cochran, or to most of us, Papa K!  We were able to have a short text conversation, talk about getting together soon, and I warned him to not be surprised that he might see me in Tupelo in his congregation for a visit.  What he doesn’t know is that before Trey died, Trey asked me, “Is Papa K leaving?”  That kid could pick up on everything.  That came from his relationship with Keith.  Keith did end up leaving Germantown Baptist to be called as a Pastor of his own church.  What a blessing!

I will never forget the night we got the news that Trey would need to have emergency surgery the next day and he might not survive the surgery OR he could attempt a procedure at West Clinic.  The youth were in New Orleans on a mission trip.  Trey’s first request was I want my brother home (and Julianne, Cody, Hunter and a couple of others). Keith had the worst migraine. We share in our love for those.  He was determined to go pick up those kids and get them home.  I told him absolutely not!  He couldn’t even see straight! It worked out that Bretta and another friend were able to drive all night to get the kids and bring them home.  And Trey’s procedure at West Clinic was successful.  Sacrifice for a young boy and his family.  Is that what Christ would do?  I think so.  That’s why Keith was the first person I called at 10 p.m. that night because I already knew his character.

Keith and Trey had years to cultivate their relationship.  Others have what are called “first impressions.”  I strongly believe that as Christians, our first impressions are very important.  We set the tone for our character, our beliefs, our attitude, and our boundaries.  Sometimes that first impression is as simple as a smile.  Some of our impressions are left on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, etc. and not in a positive way.  Trust me, I know.  There is one fly in the ointment with impressions – people believe Christians are perfect.  WHAT? We are not? Of course we are not! The only perfect human to walk this earth was Jesus Christ and HE is the impression we need to base our life upon.

Hebrews 5:7-9

“In the days of His flesh, He offered up both prayers and supplications with loud crying and tears to the One able to save Him from death, and He was heard because of His piety.  Although He was a Son, He learned obedience from the things which He suffered.  And having been made perfect, He became to all those who obey Him the source of eternal salvation…”

Jesus cried, loudly, to the “One able to save Him from death”.  Jesus was human, yet in the same scripture it says “And having been made perfect, He became to all those who obey Him the source of eternal salvation.”  I do not want to be perfect because I cannot save anyone.  Only Jesus has the power of salvation.  But he “learned obedience from the things which He suffered.”  This is the impression I want to learn from and leave.

I would hate to think that my first impression would lead someone to believe that my Christian life is distorted like the fading of the leaf.  In reality, it will happen.  We all have bad days, make mistakes, but it is how we recover from those bad days that matter.  I have a question for you to think about.  How do you hold a Christian accountable for their impression?  Will your impression remain or fade? Here is our promise!

Isaiah 40:3-8

A voice is calling,
“Clear the way for the Lord in the wilderness;
Make smooth in the desert a highway for our God.
“Let every valley be lifted up,
And every mountain and hill be made low;
And let the rough ground become a plain,
And the rugged terrain a broad valley;
Then the glory of the Lord will be revealed,
And all flesh will see it together;
For the mouth of the Lord has spoken.”
A voice says, “Call out.”
Then he answered, “What shall I call out?”
All flesh is grass, and all its loveliness is like the flower of the field.
The grass withers, the flower fades,
When the breath of the Lord blows upon it;
Surely the people are grass.
The grass withers, the flower fades,
But the word of our God stands forever!

Yes, no matter what our impression has been, the word of our God stands forever!

I have been at Mayo Clinic since last Tuesday.  I told a few close friends before I left but I just didn’t want to set off any alarms.  I have had serious migraine headaches since I was a child and for obvious reasons, they have not been getting better.  In the last six months I have had to make an ER visit because my meds at home would not work.  I am SO very blessed to have a friend in Dr. Bob Waller, President Emeritus of Mayo Clinic.  He was able to make a call and the next thing I knew I was making flight arrangements for my trip.  To say the last year has been a little stressful is an understatement.

I really did not know what to expect when I arrived.  I flew in on Tuesday alone and Jay did not fly in until Wednesday night.  So, Jay missed my initial consultation with the doctor.  The facility is incredible.  It is its own city!  As I waited for the doctor on Wednesday, I overheard a lady say, oh, that’s okay, I’ve been waiting for six hours.  And immediately, it took me back…back to St. Jude, back to those hours of waiting in the clinic to see the doctors.  Trey would get so tired of waiting.  I saw so many people with computers, books, papers, etc. and I thought WOW, I hope I have enough to keep me occupied.  I sat for maybe 15 minutes.  I don’t know why they were waiting.  And I don’t think that is the norm.

I really liked Dr. Boes (pronounced Bays).  He was very thorough and very, very interested in Trey.  During the reflex exam, I had to remove my socks and shoes. (REASON NUMBER 2,569 THAT I GOT A TATTOO) and he saw my ankle.  I laughed and said, yes, at age 48 I got a tattoo in memory of my son and I began to explain Simba, quote James 1:2-3, and tell how Trey received the news of his cancer and tweeted Hakuna Matata.  A smile came on his face and he just said, how cool.  Of course, all of my reflexes were fine.

We talked about all the different meds I have tried from antidepressants, beta blockers, anti-seizure meds, preventative meds, narcotics, etc.  Then he ordered tests.  He ordered the standard MRI and since I had at once been diagnosed with sleep apnea, he ordered an oxygen sleep text.  Basically I wore an ET probe on my finger all night and slept in my own bed for them to monitor the dips in my oxygen and if I stopped breathing.  The results of that test were minimal.  Not enough for me to go back to Memphis and see the sleep doctor! Yeah!

When I left the office, they gave me about three pages of appointments for my tests, directions, instructions, etc.  I walked out of the office, got on the elevator (that could probably fit 50 people) and I felt everything suddenly closing in around me.  All I could hear were people talking about their tests, chemo, appointments and the flight or fight feeling kicked in.  Jay wasn’t here yet, so I just went in a lobby area by a grand piano and sat and sat and sat.  Oddly enough, I had posted “If I only had a brain…” earlier in the day and later on Thursday, someone was singing from the piano that song.  Whoa.

I went Thursday afternoon for my MRI.  They ask you 10 times if you have any kind of metal, but why would they ask you about a tattoo? So, reason number 2,570 I was able to tell why I had a tattoo and they so sweetly told me, it’s only for eyeliner.  Well, you asked.  While I was in the MRI, I thought of Trey and Collin, my sweet boys.  I thought of how I was just getting this done just for preventative reasons and how Collin will have these for the rest of his life not knowing what will show.  And Trey, he knew.  And only had one.  There was no time or reason for another.  I just began to feel so insignificant for even being here.  Migraines, bah.

There was another thing I thought of while being in the MRI.  My mother has always blamed herself for the reason for my migraines.  If you have hereditary anything, you will know that you cannot control how it passes to you.  I know my mother will be pleased with this visit.  You always hurt for your child.  Just like we hurt for Trey and Collin.  We have no control over the hereditary P16 gene and know that it is all in God’s hands and in his control, just like my headaches.  All we can do in BOTH cases is educate ourselves, take care of ourselves, and bring awareness to help others.  I hope I have done that.

My MRI turned out fine.  They only saw one enlarged blood vessel, but nothing that would be contributing to my migraines.  We talked about the future for my migraines and his suggestions.  All of his notes will be forward to my doctor in Memphis.  He did tell me to get off one of my medications, which I have already done.  It causes major fatigue and that is really a big problem I am having right now.  I can sleep anywhere, anytime.  But, he did say, after the last year, that is not uncommon.  I didn’t like that answer.  I want energy.  You know what you have to do to get energy? Exercise! OH SHUT UP! Did I just say exercise?? Jay and I both know when we get home that exercise and diet is in our future.  It won’t cure my headaches, but I will feel better.

I’ll go ahead and tell you that his recommendation was to begin botox injections every three months.  My doctor in Memphis suggested this a year ago.  The FDA has approved these injections.  Just have to make sure insurance likes it!  Relpax has always worked for me, if I catch my headaches at the right time.  That’s the problem, catching them.  They will start on Wednesday or Thursday and by Saturday it’s too late.  He wants me to switch to Imitrex, but it causes chest pressure.  If you have panic attacks, like I do, I told him that is why I have not tried the drug.  He said the plus with Imitrex is that it is in shot form, gets in your system quicker, and then I might not have to use my heavier drugs.  Makes sense.  He has other ideas if these simple solutions do not work.  If this doesn’t work, try this.  If this doesn’t work, do this, etc.  Some I have done any may have to tweak.  Like Jay has always said, that’s why they call it “practicing” medicine.

Overall, I am very, very thankful for my visit here.  Second opinions are always best!

Jay and I spent the rest of Friday at the Mall of America for a little light shopping.  On the ride back in the shuttle, we both had a good laugh.  We renamed our trip – Mayo Vacation.  The driver told us he had to make another stop before returning to Rochester.  We thought, okay.  He said he was going to Target. Huh?  He picked up a gentleman from Target.  This gentleman stepped in and sat in the very front seat.  He had not been on the van for five minutes and my throat began to close up.  The heat was on high and I just hung my head on the seat in front of me.  The driver asked the gentleman, do you live in Rochester? He said no, I just go in to see my girlfriend, I work at Target.  I told Jay, he must have walked down every aisle and used every tester bottle!  The next sign said, 4o miles to Rochester.  Ugh.  I leaned against the window because the rattling of the plastic in the van made it sound like we were going to fall apart. Fa ra ra ra ra, Ra ra ra ra!

It will be good to get home, where I can sleep in my own bed with my two labs asleep at the foot of the bed.

I had so many people ask me if I went to New York on vacation.  I wish it were vacation.  I want to call it a mission, a very important mission.  So I would like to take this opportunity to explain exactly how I got to this point.

Over a year ago when Trey was in the stage of being diagnosed, Trey’s oncologist at St. Jude contacted Dr. Dave Tuveson to ask his opinion about a child of 15 being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  He said it was not possible. (Dr. Tuveson tells me now that he was contacted then.) Dr. Tuveson is a world renowned physician, scientist, speaker, you name it!  Trey’s doctor had attended a seminar type study under Dr. Tuveson and he had served as her “preceptor”.  So that is the connection between St. Jude (Dr. Federico) and Dr. Tuveson.

I did not know, but Dr. Tuveson kept up with Trey’s short progression and knew of his passing.  After Trey’s passing, I was a guest of The Orchard and it was my first time to speak.  In the congregation was a man by the name of Bob Bean.  Bob came to me and said I think I know of a man you need to talk with.  It was Dr. Dave Tuveson.

In October of 2012, I called Dr. Tuveson and he asked that I email him a brief history of Trey’s story.  We knew at that time that Collin had been diagnosed with the P16 gene, but we were reluctant to share this information to protect Collin.  I think Dave was still a little resistant that Trey had pancreatic cancer (I’m giggling).  He forwarded our information to someone that he thought could help us at the National Cancer Institute and it was a dead end, but Dr. Tuveson never knew this fact.

About a week ago, Dr. Tuveson sent me an email that began:

Mrs. Erwin:  I hope you and your family are doing well….I would like your permission to borrow your story as a motivation point….

The email immediately got my interest.  I contacted him to find out exactly what he would be using and why.  He told me that the Cold Springs Harbor Institute has an annual fundraiser and as a part of that fundraiser they chose what he spoke about to use in their mission statement.  He told me he did not remember a lot of what he said except that when they asked him what made him so passionate about pancreatic cancer research, Trey’s story came to mind.  He told me on the phone that he remembers being so angry that a 15 year old would die of pancreatic cancer.  I had to agree with him.

We gave them permission to use the video, of course, knowing that each person that viewed the video would also view Trey’s faith story.  My sister, Donna, and I ended up in staying at Cold Springs which sprawls over 120 beautiful acres on Long Island.  We arrived on Sunday night late at Cold Springs and they housed us in an apartment on the property.  There are many apartments on the property for visiting scientists, etc.  Early Monday morning, Dr. Tuveson met us for a tour of his lab.  There are many things I can say about the tour.  The one thing that stuck out the most is that all of his staff are so passionate about their work.  He tells them their job is to put HIM out of a job.  They are working very hard!  But MY mission was for each scientist there to look at me and know WHY they are working.  I did not hesitate to pull out my pictures of Trey nor did I hesitate to talk about Collin.  To say they were stunned is an understatement.  At one point, I just spread Trey and Collin’s pictures across the table from October of 2011 until senior recognition at the football game a couple of weeks ago.  Pictures tell many stories.

On the way to the fundraiser in Manhattan, I gave Dr. Tuveson a St. Jude pin.  He said that he had never been to Memphis.  I asked that he put it on his desk somewhere so that he will not forget Trey and why he was working.  He laughed and said he would never forget Trey.

Sure, Donna and I met celebrities; talk over an hour with Dr. Jim Watson who discovered the structure of DNA and won a Nobel Prize, but what I remember the most was the beginning of the dinner and the video.  It’s actually THEIR mission statement.  When it got to the part where Dave began talking, I didn’t hear a word he said.  All I could do was look at Trey and cry.  Luckily, I was turned to look at a screen, the room was dark, but Dave saw the tears rolling and he asked if I was okay.  I just smiled and said yes.  The emotions of the day had caught up with me.  And there was Trey, my buddy, not saying a word, but smiling for a video that he never thought would be shown to people that would promote awareness of pancreatic cancer.  He was smiling because he just because he always did.

I was able to talk to Deborah Norville after she had me on the stage.  We talked about being moms and how well we know our children.  She said, if people will just listen to moms!  I laughed and told her that I am usually right when something is wrong with the dog!  It made me think a little more.  God did instill something in mothers.  I’m not sure what it is.  Donna told me a week ago, “Just think, two years ago you were just a regular mom with two teens.”  God knew what the path would be for me, for Trey, for our family.  As a mom, it’s been hard.  That is one thing that I have told a lot of people.  You can separate yourself as the speaker, the writer, the teacher, and stand pretty tall.  But when it comes to being the mom, well, I tend to crumble.  I’ll always be Trey and Collin’s mom.  That will never be taken away from me.  And as hard as it is to explain all of this to Collin right now, we are doing our best for him.  I think he understands more than he lets on and that’s okay.  I do the same thing when I say I’m okay when I’m not.  It’s called self-preservation because no one can walk in your shoes.  Believe me, there are days that I wish some of you could!

At the end of the evening, there were many hugs from people who were grateful we had attended the event.  I am hopeful our mission resulted in many dollars for the Institute.  It was just a small part that Trey and his mom played, but it was our mission that God had ordained.  I just pray it is fruitful.

“But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.” Acts 1:8

Today I had my physical.  You know, those visits you are supposed to have every year, but I have flown under the radar and have seemed to get away with not going in for about two or three years.  Luckily, my internist, is a friend of ours, Art Franklin, or better known as Dr. E. Arthur Franklin.  He and Jay worked together years ago at the Baptist Minor Meds before he went into practice, and when he did, we decided to follow him.  All I can say is, great physician, great guy.

I think we spent more time talking about Trey today than we did me.  That was okay with me, but I think we both knew that Trey has a lot to do with what is going on with me physically.  Am I getting enough sleep and is it quality sleep? How are my migraines? What about my fatigue? Is my depression better?  What is my blood pressure, EKG, blood work, chest x-ray, etc.  We went down each road one by one.  Some roads I didn’t mind traveling and some brought many tears.

Dr. Franklin asked a very good question.  What has been the dumbest question anyone has asked you over the last year or anyone has said?  I just had to laugh and I told him that no one has ever asked me that!  I really had to sit and think!  But it came to me and when I told him, we both agreed.  I distinctly remember receiving a telephone call from someone I did not know and they told me I was making a mistake by choosing the coarse of treatment that we did.  I don’t blame them for trying to help, it’s just the way they went about it.  At the time of Trey’s diagnosis, people came out of the woodwork for what they thought was best for Trey.  Dr. Franklin agreed with our philosophy.  The latest and GREATEST medical news for cancer would be known by St. Jude and West Clinic within days of anyone else knowing it.  It was not like someone would be withholding the cure for pancreatic cancer in order to punish millions of people.

And then we watched a recent football video I have.  I told him of how I look at so many pictures daily and to watch him move like that is just odd.  Then came another question I just have not thought of.  He asked me would I rather remember him during those days or have the memories of the last four months.  What a hard question.  The memories that are most vivid are of his last four months, but I would much rather have vivid memories of his laughter with his friends, seeing him running down the football field, worshipping in church, wrestling with his dad, and playing basketball with his Uncle T and Bobby.  As hard as I try, I can’t regain those memories.  My plans are to find as many videos as I can to recall memories.  You know, that’s my fear, that I will forget.

Dr. Franklin then said something about parenting and we were talking about Collin and he said he bet it was hard to scold Collin for that bad grade, etc.  And I said, oh just the opposite! If anything, we have learned to continue living life. Sometimes that is actually the most difficult thing to do.  We are trying, as hard as it may be, we are trying.  It is a tug-of-war game, I feel like at times. There are day that you are tugged into the past and days that you pulled into the present. Then there are days you don’t want to be pulled into either and you just want people to leave you alone.  I asked the question of Pastor Charles last week if I could just pull the covers over my head – his answer was no.  It seems he and my doctor agree.  YOLO – You Only Live Once is not an excuse to make bad decisions.  Fact is, we only have one life and one day, we will stand before God to be held accountable for the life we lived.

I left knowing only a few things.  I still have a broken heart.  Something a medical doctor will not be able to heal. Many things come with that broken heart, but it is up to me as to how I handle the side effects.  Here is where Dr. Franklin will help me manage those side effects. I am so thankful for the trust I have in my physician on earth and the Great Physician, my Heavenly Father.  Both know what is best for me and it’s not the latest diet pill! (Darn)  With God as my Great Physician, he is in the process of healing many things from the last year.  As Dr. Franklin said, he would never begin to put himself in our position, even though he has recently experienced some his elder patients dying.  As I told Dr. Franklin, there are many things I hope to speak into people’s lives that are walking down paths where they think there is no hope.  If my God, who is so great, can use what we have experienced for good, then I have no choice but to speak up and use what He has given us.

Dr. Franklin was in the room with me today when I got the news that mom will be going into a new assisted living residence and she received her apartment number.  Her apartment number is 13.  We both just grinned! He knew it was Trey’s number.  How cool is that!

Tomorrow, I’m taking my apple to work, with a little low fat caramel, and my sweet conversation with my physician to work with me.  I will be praying for a little more energy, which we are working on, and fewer headaches.  Today, I am thankful for Dr. E. Arthur Franklin.  A friend to our family, a doctor to my husband, me, my mother, and others in my family.  That apple won’t keep me away.  Like he told me today, if you need me and you just don’t feel right, call me.  That I will Art Franklin, that I will.

“These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.”
John 16:32-33

Today as I was standing in line waiting to check out, I happened to overhear a conversation going on between two ladies in front of me.  One lady was checking out with a large amount of groceries with her young son, and the other lady was waiting behind her.  Since the conversation was so intruiging, I didn’t mind the wait.  I know, you can’t imagine what would be interesting between two ladies in line at WalMart.  I think it was more of what was going on in my mind as they were talking that made it a little more…humerous.

The conversation took me back, way back before there was Throw Back Thursday for those of you who use Instagram.  The ladies were discussing how many children there were in the family of the one who had so many groceries.  I think, from the conversation, there were more than six.  I gather that because the lady behind her had at least five brothers or sisters.  I still am invisioning how fast the lady was putting the groceries in her cart as she answered the question, “It just happened that way.”  If I am correct, the question was, “Did you plan to have that many children?”  And that’s when I began to grin and think back many years ago.

Jay and I traveled the first four plus years of our marriage but we always wanted a large family.  We had always talked that three was a good number because he had two brothers and I had two sisters.  After Jay and I decided to have children, we thought that would be a breeze – everyone has children.  Long story short, I could not conceive without fertility drugs.  Before Jay and I had children, I discovered I have a bladder disease and was told that having children would either be one – difficult, or two – should not happen at all.  After having Trey, my urologist clearly told me that if I wanted to have any chance of having a bladder when I was older, I should not have a second child.  We didn’t listen and decided to have Collin (who sat on my bladder my entire pregnancy!).  Our two blessings.

I can remember DISTINCTLY having conversations with a best friend when Trey and Collin were young and her daughter was young that she and her husband NEEDED to think about having a second child.  She kept saying NO WAY!  I would just say to myself, oh, she needs more children!  See, I knew best, of course.  After all, the bible says in Ps. 127:3 “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.”  I bugged the snot out of her.  I see now that there is no way that it was in God’s will for her to have more than one child.  I think it’s just what we do — plan to have many children because one is not enough.

My thoughts, as I stood in line, went straight to the moment Jay and I sat in the car after Trey’s death.  We both just sat there…speechless.  I said to him, “What are we going to do now?”  All he could say was, “I don’t know, let’s just go home.” And we went home to our one child, Collin.  Our one mouth to feed.  Our one child that would return to school, one child to train up in the way as he should go.  And that’s where my thoughts took me today.  I have ONE child that I know has accepted the Lord as his Savior.  I have ONE child to send to college.  Sure, only one child that MIGHT bring me grandchildren.  But when it all boils down to it, I have to laugh.  I think about what the lady said, it just happened.  As much as we plan for life, God will ultimately decide how many children we have and in what direction our children will go.  God already has one of my children, and that was all His decision – certainly not mine.

Now why do you think that conversation was a blessing? Because not only did I realize that I need to appreciate the mouth that I feed, he is the ONLY mouth I have left.  This might sound a little selfish, but I don’t have anymore children to worry whether or not they will meet Jesus one day!!!  If Jesus were to return tomorrow, I KNOW, without a shadow of a doubt, my entire family will be sitting at the feet of Jesus.  That was my blessing!  I would not trade my family for someone else’s in all the world!

As I walked out of WalMart, I thought I might not have to worry about my child, but I know friends who are dealing with their children and it is such a burden they are carrying.  The commitment grew in my mind and heart to pray for my friends and their children.  My family has been blessed.  We have been chosen by God to serve him.  “You did not choose me, but I chose you.” John 15:16  This is something I cannot explain.  I cannot explain Trey’s path or why the lady in line has more than 6 mouths to feed.  This is something I will not know until I reach heaven.

“Commit to the Lord whatever you do and He will establish your plans.” Proverbs 16:3  A renewed commitment to pray.  A renewed commitment to pray in line with God’s plan for my life and my family.  God even speaks to you in line at WalMart.

I recently had an encounter with satan.  You may ask, “How do you know?” I most definitely know.  When you are what I would like to call in sync with God in your daily walk and it is interrupted by confusion and inner turmoil that doesn’t come from the Lord – Oh, that’s satan alright!

When I am asked to speak, I always prepare in different ways.  Sometimes I might speak to a small group of women (which I am praying to do more of), a college age group, or more recently I spoke during the Sunday School hour at First Baptist Collierville.  Each time I tailor my speaking engagement to the crowd.  As I was preparing to speak to FBC, I could not get a peace about what I needed to say.  It kept ringing in my ears that they were the church around the corner and they should KNOW about Trey.  Why did they want to hear from me?

Collin and I had a conversation in the car on the way home from his football game last Tuesday.  He asked the same questions that I had of myself.  Smart kid.  Then I thought of an analogy.  Hear my heart as a child on this.  I told Collin that it finally came to me that God spoke to me to tell of HIS story through Trey and not worry about anything else.  I told him that there might people who did not know about Trey’s character or faith.  I told him there might be people there that did not know Jesus.  I told Collin there are people that live all around us that might know about Trey, but they don’t know Jesus.  I didn’t need to worry about what I had to say about Trey, I just needed to concentrate on praying the next couple of days.  And so I did.

I got so comfy after I prayed.  I knew exactly what I was going to say about Trey and how it would flow.  I could have spoken to the multitudes Tuesday night.  THEN BAM! My armor had fallen to my side!  I wasn’t protected anymore.  What is frightening to me is that I didn’t realize it until after he struck.  I have used this verse before, but it still is the most convicting:

John 10:10  “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.”

That thief robbed me.  Satan.  He robbed me for about four days.  I was in turmoil.  My joy was gone.  I had an upset stomach.  I contacted past and present pastors to pray over me till one said it…”armor up, wage war!”  I immediately opened my bible to Ephesians 6:10-17.

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might.  Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil.  For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm.  Stand firm therefore, having girded your loins with truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness,  and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.”

I studied it and studied it.  Even at midnight on Saturday night as I was in bed at a friend’s house.  [SIDE NOTE: I really was blessed to be in the home of a friend, Kerri Flowers, whom I had taught Sunday School with for many years.  I teach 10th grade girls with Sharis Newman and we had a sleepover that night.]  At 11:48 p.m. on Saturday night I received an email.  The email was from two doctors that I have been in contact with in Tulsa, Oklahoma.  My last correspondence with them per the email was June 11, 2012, prior to Trey’s passing.  The husband is a trauma surgeon.  Just as satan hit me out of the blue, God blessed me with an encouraging email from this doctor telling me how they still praying for our family.  His last paragraph says:

“When dark days come forth, I hope you will remember that even though Trey’s passing has been some time ago, many of us still pray and haven’t forgotten about you and your family.  I hope you receive this as an encouragement and as an example of so many families who may have never met you but still have you in our prayers.”

I wanted to run through the house yelling how FAITHFUL God had been in filling me up with His power and mercy!  (Don’t worry, the house was already awake.  The cat set the house alarm off.)  Even though I left FBC on Sunday saying to myself, I should have said this and that, I know God put in their ears what they needed to hear.  Jay and I then rushed to Germantown Baptist, our home church, just in time to hear the choir sing Majesty and Glory of Your Name.  It’s a little special to us.  It was in our wedding.

Going back to John 10:10 and that ugly guy, what’s his name, I think we forget the second half of the verse – “…I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” How abundant are we living?  How filled with joy, love, and other fruits of the spirit is your life?  That’s what I have to ask myself daily – How are my fruits growing in my life?  Am I watering them or letting them die by letting my armor stay by my side?

Hate is a strong word.  We don’t use it at our house.  But I will allow it once.  I do hate satan.  He is a creep and he does just that, creep in.  The sad thing is we allow it.  Even the churchiest of church people walk around with satan in their hearts with smiles on their faces.  But you know what?  There’s that fruit again.  My prayer is that my son is able to see fruit in my life so that he will be able to grow and ask questions.  Right now, I am praying through that Collin have the mentoring opportunities Trey did at that age.  God has someone for Collin that is the right fit, like Keith Cochran, Ryan Mullins, and Ron Norton were to Trey.  Well, not to mention his dad, Jay, his biggest mentor.  It’s finding that person with fruit, willing to love, willing to invest.  God knows it is not me right now.  WE CLASH! WHOA ~ BIG TIME! Trey and I didn’t.  Well, not as much.

So, the next time you look at someone at work, school, on the street and think they are a creep – stop and think what they may be dealing with on a daily basis.  It just might be satan they are struggling with.  Pray for them that they might WIN the battle and stand firm!

Sunday we sang Holy Ground to end our service.  I shared with Ron, our music minister, that I changed the words as I sang it because I thought of Trey truly standing on Holy Ground.  What a day that will be to be satan free!

He is standing on Holy Ground

And I know there are angels all around

He is praising Jesus now

He is standing on Holy Ground!

So many people thank me for being transparent. Well, buckle up. It’s been a bad week. I remember reading on Facebook this week “It’s a status, not a story.” Some people have a story and I’m thankful I can use this blog as my outlet. Believe me, I have several in edit form that have not been posted. They have not been of God. Seriously. I told my Pastor that if I would have hit send on one, people would have thought someone else wrote it.

You might wonder why has it been a bad week. My mother is in poor health and we are moving her into an independent living facility. It’s not her ideal situation, but what she does not realize is that she will be well taken care of, meet so many new friends, and I believe she will begin to thrive again. We have had many doctors appointments with Collin (sorry, not going there). Just pray for our buddy as we go down a new road with another diagnosis – narcolepsy. Suffice to say, I’ve had a migraine everyday and even a block in my head did not work. Just a lot on the Erwin plate.

As we were working through some things this week and I was talking to my sister, I had to tell her that I was looking at Trey’s last instagram picture and there were comments on there as of one week ago. Yes, one week ago. This picture has over 1200 comments. It was 11:20 p.m. and I was reading and reading. This was Monday night. I reminded my sister that even though we are dealing with all the things on the outside, when I wake up, I think of Trey – because I hear the bus outside to pick him up (It still goes by at the same time). When I go to bed, I think of Trey because he would be doing his homework because he would have been at football most of the afternoon.

So, why such a bad week? It’s Collierville’s homecoming. I’ve pondered it all week. I’ve looked at all the pictures and loved them. Then comes the thoughts that you don’t want to think. Would he have been asked to escort someone? Who would he have asked to homecoming? What would she have worn? I promise you, it’s a crazy road and I cry out to the Lord.

Yesterday, God spoke very clear through an envelope. I didn’t even open it. It was a college admissions letter to The Parents of Trey Erwin. I had to laugh. I posted it on Instagram, of course, and made the reference that they had not received the news…Trey is already an alumni from the University of Tennessee courtesy of the alumni association. I know we will be receiving more letters and it’s okay.

Today, literally, this afternoon as I was praying, I was asking God how did Mary and Joseph handle it? I just needed a little relief. Just a little. When you have lost someone you love, one of your greatest fears is that they will be forgotten. More than that, you will forget. The fear is stifling sometimes that you will forget the little things. If I have that fear, then why would he cross the mind of others? I was picking up Collin at football and I get a text from Sonya Luna that said there is a happy in your mailbox. I told Collin it was cookie dough! We get home and she and Madison had bought me a Hakuna Matata t-shirt they found and Madison had bought herself one. God’s timing is ALWAYS perfect. ALWAYS. I immediately sent her a text and told her what an answer to prayer this was. Her response, the purchase was on her part an act of following through on prompting because she never knows what God has planned for the person on the other end.

It’s amazing how God loves on me. Especially when I don’t deserve it. I can be so selfish – wanting my boy back. But today, I kept going over and over in my head, homecoming, homecoming. That word just kept spinning in my head like a merry-go-round. Finally, I looked up several definitions of the word homecoming. The first thing you think of is sports and alumni. Here are several definitions – the arrival at home of someone who has been away; return home; and my favorite, arrival at home. Homecoming? Sure I’m sad. But I think Trey has had his homecoming. A grand one at that. I just think God wanted him to come home.

Another friend, Ashley Arthur, posted tonight how she tears up every time she hears 10,000 Reasons. I told her that I definitely understand. I wish everyone could have been present during Trey’s homecoming. St. Jude and many others have said that it was an experience they have never witnessed. I can honestly say I have never, ever felt the spirit of our living God so alive in one place. I don’t think I’ve blogged about this, at least I’ve tried to keep it private, but we have heard from Matt Redman. He did reach out to us after Trey’s homecoming. Some of you may not know, but Matt Redman wrote 10,000 Reasons and Trey passed away during the last very of his song. I’ll attach it so you can hear it. I may have attached it before. I think in December. But it’s worth hearing again!

OHHHH, you are not going to believe this. I just received an Instagram alert from someone asking on one of my pictures (that was the last picture I took of him in the hospital) – “How did he die?” That picture talks about his “homecoming!” Collin and I just had the discussion about this blog. I met with a client today who realized I was Trey’s mom and she was so touched by his story. I told her, I will never stop telling His story and how He did a mighty work through Trey. That does NOT make me strong. It just requires me to be obedient. God requires obedience from all of us. When I stand before God on that day, I pray He will say to me, well done.

This minute, I’m okay. Tomorrow, I don’t know. But one thing I do know, homecoming for me has a different meaning and always will. Arrival at home. Eternal home. This is not my home.

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing your praise unending
10,000 year and then forevermore

It’s late. Very late. And this blog will be random and not well thought out beforehand like most of my blogs. Tonight was an emotional night. Collierville played Germantown and Collierville won 14-7. It has been years since we have beat Germantown. Good job coaches!!!

I was able to have dinner with the senior football boys last night. There was laughter, food, and vicious ping pong. Isaiah Downey invited Collin and picked him up and we were invited as a family. You see, that’s not the first time Isaiah has come by the house to get Collin. He took him this summer to the movie and was at our house to celebrate Trey’s one year homegoing.

Just a special time last night. One mom mentioned how last game the boys walked off a different way and she didn’t get her sweaty hug from her son. I remember those. I miss those. Matter of fact, as most of you have seen, that’s my favorite sweaty picture with Trey. I started talking with the two mom’s and we talked about how long our boys had been together. I shared the story of when Trey and Corbin Peeper played on the same basketball team at GBC and Jim, Corbin’s grandfather, and Tara, Corbin’s mom were their coaches. I told them how they would have to take Corbin out of the game because he would get so angry and intense. The boys had to be 7 or 8. Jim ended up baptizing Trey at Trey’s request and when Trey was sick, Jim might have missed sitting with us only once during tests or treatment. Such a special history.

So tonight, the air was thick. The boys were anxious to win. Before Isaiah and Corbin entered the Dragon tunnel tonight, i pointed at them as to say – it’s your night – and they pointed right back. I think that the majority of the team would agree when I say Isaiah had a heck of a game. There were tackles, blocks, an interception and hands in the air with #13 shown.

I know there were friends of mine there that normally do not come to the Collierville games. I was talking with Coach Kyle Reed, one of Trey’s favorite coaches and a man of God during the game. We talked about how the atmosphere was Trey’s place. It’s where he belonged, he lived, he learned and we talked about those things. The songs that were played were Trey’s songs, #13 in the air, painted on the field, on flags, and yes, painted on bodies. But those were the people that knew Trey. When I talked to the senior boys last night I told them that the one thing Trey was worried about was Collin. I challenged them to be an example on and off the field. And I got the chance to tell, just the senior boys, Trey’s teammates, how much they meant to us. And no, I did’t hold it together. But that’s okay…

After the game, with raw emotions, a football player walked directly to me and as we hugged, our tears began to fall. He cried out of joy for the win, out of loss for his friend, out of love for his friend’s mom…and I was holding my boy again. I got that sweaty hug tonight, from Isaiah Downey. He wasn’t concerned about his man card. The last football player to be by Trey’s side within the hour of his death. And then they came, one after another, sweaty hugs. You may think this is gross, but I came home and didn’t take a shower. It’s HIS smell…sensory grief. My only regret, Jay had to work and could not share it with me. Next week, we’ll both get sweaty hugs.

Dragons-The Erwin family loves you! Trey will always be with you!