That question was asked of me in Starbucks this morning. Do I know you? You look so familiar and I see you everywhere. I had to explain who I was and when I did, they immediately put two and two together. As soon as I said…I’m Trey Erwin’s mother. But I did get a very nice compliment out of it. He told me I looked very pretty today. I’ll take that!
I got in my car and thought, one day, I won’t be known as Trey Erwin’s mama and that’s okay because I’ll always be his mama. I watched his testimony this week on my computer for about the 50th time. This time, I looked at his eyes. They blinked so slowly. I remember how he felt that day. So tired and weak. But in true Trey fashion form, he didn’t want the tape from his port to show from under his Polo. But seriously, in this eyes, I saw the passion of what he was saying. I knew that he meant everything he was going through he did not want to receive any glory for and wanted God to receive it all. No one, NO ONE, knew Trey better than his mama and his dad.
That thought has been looming on my mind all day. Do I know you? The words of Jesus come to mind in Luke 13:23-30. In the Message, it is quoted:
23-25 A bystander said, “Master, will only a few be saved?”
He said, “Whether few or many is none of your business. Put your mind on your life with God. The way to life—to God!—is vigorous and requires your total attention. A lot of you are going to assume that you’ll sit down to God’s salvation banquet just because you’ve been hanging around the neighborhood all your lives. Well, one day you’re going to be banging on the door, wanting to get in, but you’ll find the door locked and the Master saying, ‘Sorry, you’re not on my guest list.’
26-27 “You’ll protest, ‘But we’ve known you all our lives!’ only to be interrupted with his abrupt, ‘Your kind of knowing can hardly be called knowing. You don’t know the first thing about me.’
28-30 “That’s when you’ll find yourselves out in the cold, strangers to grace. You’ll watch Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, and all the prophets march into God’s kingdom. You’ll watch outsiders stream in from east, west, north, and south and sit down at the table of God’s kingdom. And all the time you’ll be outside looking in—and wondering what happened.
In the New American Standard – Jesus says in Luke 13:23-28:
23 And someone said to Him, “Lord, are there just a few who are being saved?” And He said to them, 24 “Strive to enter through the narrow door; for many, I tell you, will seek to enter and will not be able. 25 Once the head of the house gets up and shuts the door, and you begin to stand outside and knock on the door, saying, ‘Lord, open up to us!’ then He will answer and say to you, ‘I do not know where you are from.’ 26 Then you will begin to say, ‘We ate and drank in Your presence, and You taught in our streets’; 27 and He will say, ‘I tell you, I do not know where you are from; depart from Me, all you evildoers.’ 28 In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth when you see Abraham and Isaac and Jacob and all the prophets in the kingdom of God, but yourselves being thrown out.
Jesus is very, VERY clear that those that are not saved will not enter the kingdom of heaven. He even says, I DO NOT KNOW YOU! I thought about that this morning when then gentleman spoke to me, I do not know you. Oh my goodness. What if my Jesus said that to me? What if He said that to Trey? I am so glad that I have peace I know that He didn’t.
There is a reason I posted the two different versions. Sometimes, the Message just tells it like it is. Yes, we are all just hanging out, minding our own business and not paying attention to what Jesus has to do in our lives. But one day, there will come a time that we will need to know everything about Him, NOW. Trey knew that urgency and hoped others were getting that message.
I remember when I was younger my sister would say that she was ready for Jesus to come back any day. I would say NO! NO! I’m not married yet! I don’t have children! Well, my tune has changed. I now see through God’s eyes how the world is saturated with Satan’s lies and filth and my greatest goal is to gather as many as I can, as fast as I can, and run this race to Jesus! That’s exactly what I told Trey as his heart stopped beating, run to Jesus buddy, as fast as you can.
Now we are left here to deal with Satan’s temptations and thankfully God’s forgiveness and grace. But I assure you, only, ONLY if you are a Christian can you overcome Satan’s power with Christ by your side. Satan tempts me every single day to give in and just admit I can’t go one more day. I won’t do that. I can’t do that. I have a husband and a son who depend on me and I on them.
The great thing is Satan will never win. God already has and He knows me, by name. He knows my husband and both of my children. So Jesus, if you would, you can come get me.
It’s the first day of school for Collin at Collierville Middle as an 8th grader. Big man on campus. His last year there. So many memories come flooding back to Trey’s last year at CMS; teachers, football, projects, friends, puberty! All of the same things Collin is experiencing. My prayer is that Collin will be able to have fun this year. Collin does not like school, AT ALL! There is so much pressure on him because of his ADD. I think some of the pressure he puts on himself if he’ll just listen. Oh, wait, he’s 14. That’s right, they know everything. That much I do remember about Trey.
All of Trey’s friends are starting their senior year today. It has already brought tears. But he has a parking space with a special friend, so he’ll be with him every morning and afternoon as he goes to school then to football practice. There will be a class or classes that will have an empty chair and someone will look at it and think of him. Funny things will be said and they will think – that is so Trey. Someone will get the books he had and they will grin. When there is a silent moment in the morning, he will be remembered as being in heaven, instead of homeroom or in pain.
I won’t receive that phone call in the afternoon after football. He always called me and said – Mom, I’m home. I’m going to get me a bite to eat and take a nap, then start on my homework, okay? I would say okay, have you taken care of the dogs? Yes ma’am, do you know what we are having for supper? Honey, I have NO IDEA! Okay, love you mom. Love you too. Make sure Collin starts on his homework when he gets home. Mom, I’ll try, but he never listens to me. Trey, just tell him what I said. Okay, okay. Bye mom. By hon.
I promise – Just about EVERYDAY – the same conversation. And now, I have the same conversation with Collin. Little different outcome, but still the same basic conversation. I just can’t tell him anything to do over the phone. Instead, we will talk about his day. As long as the dogs are not still in the kennel when I get home at 5:30, I’ll be happy!
Two parents – two different sons, to a point. Collin is becoming more like Trey. And that is certainly not a bad thing. He’s growing up. He’s going through that “I don’t smile” phase. Ugh. That’s an 8th grader. But he sure does smile when he’s with other people. Trey was the same way.
We have been talking to Collin more and more about how he IS like Trey and that is not a bad thing. I had a precious conversation with friends, Greg and Marcella Bouldien. Greg put on Trey’s braces and is now working on Collin. (Insert short story) We have a small bond with this family. Nick Bouldien wore #13 at Collierville. That number was my number growing up in sports. When Trey came on to the JV team and Nick was graduating, Trey wrote Nick a letter and asked his permission to have his number, if I remember correctly. No, I didn’t tell him to do that. That was just Trey. Moving on…. We were talking after the scrimmage Friday night about Trey and Collin and how Collin can say Trey was MY brother and to be proud of his brother. Greg brought to my attention the scripture in Proverbs 22:1 ~
“A good name is to be more desired than great wealth, favor is better than silver and gold.”
It just hammered home for me that ERWIN is to be a name that Collin should be proud of, but first, his identity is in Christ. So, as our kids enter this new year, my prayer is that they will have their identity in Christ first who will lay the foundation for everything else. In turn, I pray our kids will learn to lift up His name higher than their own. Be BOLD! It’s hard to live like Jesus in school.
I have set my alarm on my phone to pray for Collin, CHS, and GBC (Germantown Baptist) at 8 a.m. every morning. In the hustle of our day, we forget to lift our children daily to the Lord. I want Collin to survive this year much better than the last. And if I have it my way, I would love for him to END his 8th grade year at graduation just like Trey did. Five of his friends wrote T.R.E.Y.! on their stomachs and as he walked across the stage at Germantown Baptist, they lifted their shirts in the balcony. Oh yes, I have pictures! That’s brotherly love right there. And one of those friends, Tim Few – in 8th grade – was also at his feet when he met Jesus. Choosing friends wisely NOW is so important. We never know when we will meet Jesus. There was nothing unique about Trey. He was just chosen by God to spread His name through suffering. We are all called to do just that!
Students – Trey would tell you to live each day at school as if you were going to meet Jesus that day! And, GO DRAGONS!
Wow. What a week. I wish I had some more time off to take. I only have three days of vacation left! Maybe I should have planned better. When it comes to grieving, planning is just thrown out the window! I have found that each day is different. I can wake up, be fine, and go downhill within a matter of an hour. Now just what causes that?
There are so many things and I can’t begin to describe them. As I have said before, we are all grieving differently in our house. Our entire family is grieving in different ways. One principle that our family stands on is that we have told our children we will never lie to them. We never lied to Trey during his cancer. Sometimes, when they ask hard questions, telling them the truth hurts. I remember having a difficult conversation with Trey that I had to admit a sin of the past because of questions he asked. It was a learning moment for him “Don’t do as I do, do as I say.” I will never, ever forget that conversation standing in front of the refrigerator in our kitchen. Ever. But I told him the truth and he respected me for it. I remember getting a – Thanks mom. You might think by telling them ugliness it will push them into curiousity. Sometimes, they just want to know their parents are human.
Grieving is much the same way. I mentioned before that I am pursuing learning who my identity is in Christ. I am so appreciative of my pastor who is helping me down this road. I remember him telling me when we started that it would mean letting go of some of me. You know the phrase – I much decrease so that He can increase. Pastor Charles told me there would be hard moments of tears and gut wrenching things that I would face. At the time, I really didn’t grasp it in totality. In this grieving process, letting things go is letting go a little bit of Trey a piece at a time. The sadness. Yes, some is anger that I am dealing with right now. Even the strongest, STRONGEST of Christians cannot go through grieving without hitting an anger patch. And sometimes it’s very fleeting. Sometimes that anger is at people who do not understand your grieving who did not know your son personally. But I truly feel, if they are Christians, they will love us where we are, put their arms around us, and say I will walk with you or be here at the end because I have never experienced this. I can tell you, there are things going on in our household that you will never know. Things that hurt us to the core. Choices we have had to make for our family. New walks of life sometimes include new friends and letting go of old friends. God never promised it would be easy, only that He would love us through it. We were at dinner the other night with new friends and I told them how thankful I was for them because if it were not for Trey, we would not have cultivated our precious friendship – and we have so much in common!
So, how do I let go a little bit of Trey at a time? I don’t have that answer yet. Let go is not a good phrase – learn to cope, maybe. My wound is not healed. It is healing though and that’s what I am working on. Now you are wondering when I lied. I’m probably not the only one. I said that when I got the tattoo, I would take his bracelet off because I had the tattoo. I have had this on for a year. It would be like not wearing my watch. Why do I feel it identifies me? It doesn’t. It’s a rubber bracelet that he never saw. But when I leave the house and I don’t have it on, I panic. That’s not good. I’m just not over that hump yet. I thought the tattoo would satisfy the need for the bracelet. What I am finding, nothing is satisfying the need for Trey.
This is where the change needs to come. There should be nothing that satisfies us like our need for Christ and our desire to be fed by His word. I know this in my head and I know his in my heart and I am craving the word to find out how can I be MORE like Christ and LESS like Lisa. Oh, that’s what my boy desired. It’s just a matter of moving all the memories of my son to the side and letting Christ satisfy my longing. I think I’ll turn that switch on tomorrow. I wish it was a switch! Emotions are a hard thing to switch on and off. YOU CANNOT JUST SWITCH EMOTIONS OFF. TREY DIED AND IF YOU LOVED HIM, THE FEELINGS YOU HAVE FOR HIM JUST DON’T GO AWAY.Hello!!!! Trey died! I have to tell myself that (and others). He will never come back, you will never talk to him again, and feelings will never be returned. Now, swallow that. There are days I think, oh my gosh, Trey is dead. He’s actually dead. It’s a part of life you have to accept. But how does a mother accept her baby boy is dead? R.E.A.L.I.T.Y. CHECK! But if I don’t grieve, I will live this way the rest of my life and that is NOT what God desires. He desires for us to bear fruit as He talks about in John 15. We are the branches and He is the vine. Shriveling up is not an option for my type A personality. Okay, some of you can stop laughing. There is a bright side. I see him in so many of his friends. And for that, I am very thankful. He’s a little bit of Daniel Roberts (a lot actually), and Tim Few and Cody Jordan and Hunter Byer and Thomas Boone and Corbin Peeper – so many more.
My boss, Joe, verified yesterday that birthdays are much harder than the day he died. The day he died he went to be with Jesus. That’s a celebration. The day of his birth is not a celebration. I will and have been mourning for that day. He came into the world with so much hope. Every parent dreams what their child will be like in elementary, middle, and high school. Will they like sports? Or will they be musical? Will they love to read, or will you have to buy spark notes? Will you fight with homework or will it come easy? Will they make good choices in friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, colleges, careers and ultimately a spouse. How many children will they have…and I stop there. So many dreams, gone. As a teen reading this, it will not bother you because you have that future to look forward to and that’s okay. As an adult, maybe you have experienced this loss. This is how you understand the grieving of birth is so much stronger than the grieving of death. That’s why I have said that his senior year will be difficult because it is filled with so many markers during the year and milestones.
I had a client in our office walk by my desk yesterday and remark about the football pictures of Trey. He just talked and talked about his smile and how handsome he was. He was from Little Rock and did not know the story. I proceeded to tell him and did not go into detail. I have a calling card with my blog site on it and I welcomed him to read about Trey and his faith (and our family). Sometimes you can’t tell a fourth-month history in five minutes, you can only plant a seed and let God handle the rest. As I handed him the card, I distinctly remember praying, Lord let him use this. It was just a small grasp and wanting to see God work.
Another song I sang to Trey when he was a baby was the song “How Can I Live Without You” by Leann Rimes. It had just been released. When your baby is born, you are SO in love with your baby. It’s a love that is all encompassing. You just can’t imagine not having that little bundle in your life. I remember crying when I would sing that to him. Was God preparing me? Of course, I do believe that God already knew Trey’s path. Matter of fact, Trey had surgery the end of his first grade year to remove a swollen lymph node because we were already suspicious. What a coincidence – He didn’t finish out 1st grade at school or 11th grade at school, but he still passed!
I think I can sum this up by saying that it will take more than just a year to grieve. Some have not even begun to grieve. I know his football team misses him. Some of his teammates were in the room when he died. I sure love those boys – all those boys. And no one, NO ONE, will ever tell the Erwin family that we are not loved by the Collierville Dragon family. We appreciate you for helping our grieving be a little easier on some days. Our mighty dragon left a larger than life impression on a small community that will hopefully never forget him, his smile, his bravery, his wisdom, and most importantly, his faith.
Yep, I lied. I thought I could do this and I can’t. But you know what – I can do ALL things through Christ. That’s my hope, my faith, our faith and strangely, that’s where I put my grief – in Christ. He knows my pain and catches each tear as I drive home from work.
This is one of my favorite passages of scripture – John 15:1-17 I am giving it to you in the Message version because I like the way it reads. My desire, to continue to bear fruit for the Lord. I do not want my grieving in any way to hinder my growth in Christ and what He has for me to do in order to bear fruit. So, He’s pruning me right now to be a better servant for Him. I do a lot of repenting, a lot of thanking, and a lot of begging for God to work. If you are grieving, or suffering, maybe you’ll connect with this song by ffh also.
Next Wednesday is Trey’s 17th Birthday. It will be very hard. As long as I have Jay, Collin, family, and I think, as planned, the CHS football team around us, on the field, we’ll be fine. Trey will be there – with his team. And the Lord will be there. Moving.
John 15:1-17
1-3 “I am the Real Vine and my Father is the Farmer. He cuts off every branch of me that doesn’t bear grapes. And every branch that is grape-bearing he prunes back so it will bear even more. You are already pruned back by the message I have spoken.
4 “Live in me. Make your home in me just as I do in you. In the same way that a branch can’t bear grapes by itself but only by being joined to the vine, you can’t bear fruit unless you are joined with me.
5-8 “I am the Vine, you are the branches. When you’re joined with me and I with you, the relation intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant. Separated, you can’t produce a thing. Anyone who separates from me is deadwood, gathered up and thrown on the bonfire. But if you make yourselves at home with me and my words are at home in you, you can be sure that whatever you ask will be listened to and acted upon. This is how my Father shows who he is—when you produce grapes, when you mature as my disciples.
9-10 “I’ve loved you the way my Father has loved me. Make yourselves at home in my love. If you keep my commands, you’ll remain intimately at home in my love. That’s what I’ve done—kept my Father’s commands and made myself at home in his love.
11-15 “I’ve told you these things for a purpose: that my joy might be your joy, and your joy wholly mature. This is my command: Love one another the way I loved you. This is the very best way to love. Put your life on the line for your friends. You are my friends when you do the things I command you. I’m no longer calling you servants because servants don’t understand what their master is thinking and planning. No, I’ve named you friends because I’ve let you in on everything I’ve heard from the Father.
16 “You didn’t choose me, remember; I chose you, and put you in the world to bear fruit, fruit that won’t spoil. As fruit bearers, whatever you ask the Father in relation to me, he gives you.
17 “But remember the root command: Love one another.
Yesterday, I was in the gift shop in Turks and Caicos buying our last little bit of goodies, I was buying something purple. The ladies behind counter noticed my Coach wallet was purple and my beach bag was purple. She said you must like purple! OPEN DOOR!
So I began to explain that first purple
was the color for pancreatic cancer and it was my son’s favorite color. I continued to tell the story of Trey’s faith and what God did through him. They said he had a purpose. I said oh yes. God chose him for that purpose.
After we talked about how long Trey Erwin lived, the ladies remarked about the smile on my face and how sad they were. I told them I was not sad. He was with Jesus, just where he wanted to be. They said oh but it must be sad for you. I said sometimes it is, but I get to see the work God is doing through his testimony. Then I told them to google his name and they would find his testimony.
This happened more than once. I took the opportunity to compliment a lady who has a sunshine tattoo on her shoulder. She told me it was on of those things she did as a kid. Her husband walked up and had an Air Force jet on his side. He had that tattoo because his father died in an Air Force crash. I told the family (with Collin behind me) how I sang You Are My Sunshine to Trey as a child. I showed them my tattoo and we talked about Trey and I thought it was so unique how Collin would jump in and fill in the story such as the date of his death and how long he was sick. We parted ways with the family with them asking Collin to join them on one of the teen dinner excursions. I hope I showed Collin how easy it is to take the opportunity to speak to someone and bring your faith into the conversation. When we walked away, he didn’t ask me, mom, why did you talk to them. So, I think with the mission trip training, he’s getting the hang of it! That’s what Trey did! Thank you Lord!
You never know what kind of door God will open for you. It might be something as simple as talking about a color. Or you may have to step out when you see someone that you believe you have something in common with and trust God to lead the conversation.
Open hearts lead to open doors. Another thing, I didn’t realize my countenance as I was telling Trey’s story. Thank you Jesus for
shining through me!
Jesus said in John 10:9 “I am the door; of anyone enters through me, he shall be saved and shall go in and out; and find pasture.”
Remember in Psalms – he maketh me lie down in green pastures!!! Ahh!! Green pastures!!!
I’ve asked myself this question many times, what would be the first thing I would grab if my house was on fire (other than the dogs, of course). I’ve always said my wedding photos. They can’t be replaced. That’s really something to think about. They are close to the front door and the family knows, get the photos!
Yesterday I was walking to the car and the thought, OH! I need to drop off my Hallmark order at Debbie’s Hallmark in Germantown. Since Jay and I were first married, I have collected Hallmark ornaments just like my sisters. There are series of ornaments, ornaments for babies, teachers, sports, I’m sure you have seen them all. There are three different series that I collect. When Trey was first born, my sister, Judy, started Trey with the very first miniature train engine. This year will be #18 in the series. Trey always got his trains out and would line them up on a shelf. He made sure they were in series number order. They were HIS trains. Maybe this year I will be able to get them out.
More for Collin than for Jay, I started the miniature fire engines. This year will be #11. Collin also gets them out and puts them on a side table. What Collin REALLY likes is my Wizard of Oz collection. I have them of every sort and kind. You can walk through the house and hear the witch cackling and know Collin has pushed the button. Not sure where they will go this year or if I will even get them out.
All of this RUSHED through my head, literally, within ten steps of walking to the car. Just a flashback of memories. Then, God spoke to me, as plain as day:
“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal; for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” Matt. 6:19-21
I don’t think God was saying, Lisa, don’t go get the ornaments. I think God was reminding me of what do I treasure most. And I thought about my sister, Donna, who is moving and having to choose what she is keeping, selling, and throwing away. And then my mind went to my husband who is a firefighter/paramedic. He goes to so many houses where people live that are hoarders. (Have you ever seen that show? OH MY!) They tell them if they have to respond to a fire, they may not be able to get to them because of the STUFF that is in the entry or blocking whatever room they are in. It’s because of STUFF. Lots of STUFF.
Sunday was July 7. It was the day we buried Trey last year. In Trey’s casket was a stuffed animal from Collin that he wanted to go with Trey. His class ring was on his finger. To be honest with you, I can’t remember if there was a polo hat in there or not. He WAS wearing a polo shirt and pants! Jay took his class ring off before he closed the casket himself. On Sunday, for the first occasion, I wore Trey’s class ring. Collin asked if he could wear it. I said sure, but treat it with respect, do not let anyone wear it, and do not take it off. During the service, it was passed down the row to me. I’m proud that Collin decided just give it back to mom. That ring is just STUFF. It means something to us, but it would not have gone to heaven with Trey. I doubt Jesus would have asked to see it.
This morning, I came into work and I read Jesus Calling. Did you read it? I’ll reprint it for you here. I don’t think Sarah would mind. I don’t think this was a coincidence.
WORSHIP ME ONLY. Idolatry has always been the downfall of My people. I make no secrets about being a jealous God. Current idols are more subtle than ancient ones, because today’s false gods are often outside the field of religion. People, possessions, status, and self-aggrandizement are some of the most popular deities today. Beware of bowing down before these things. False gods never satisfy; instead they stir up lust for more and more.
When you seek Me instead of the world’s idols, you experience My Joy and Peace. These intangibles slake the thirst of your soul, providing deep satisfaction. The glitter of the world is tinny and temporal. The Light O My Presence is brilliant and everlasting. Walk in the Light with Me. Thus you become a beacon through whom others are drawn to Me.
Exodus 20:4-5 – “You shall not make for yourself a carved image—any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me.”
Samuel 22:29 – “For You are my lamp, O Lord; The Lord shall enlighten my darkness.”
I just went WOW. Did you get that? “…today’s false gods are often outside the field of religion.” How much of my house is STUFF? There is so much of Trey’s STUFF I haven’t even looked through because of my own selfishness of not wanting to let go of his image – TREY’S image. That time will come. But how many of us have TVs, boats, jobs, sports that we put before the image of God? Do we hoard God? I want to be a hoarder of God so that when someone walks in my house, there is NOTHING they step over or through except the presence of the Holy Spirit. Maybe then, my husband will change from calling me a neat freak and I’ll be called a Jesus Freak.
Hummmm…they always said you would want a second tattoo. Calm down people. It’s just a joke.
Hoard your God, not your Stuff! But don’t judge – Trey’s stuff and image will be around for ME for a while. Like Bernadette in the Bahamas said, you just have to be a mother!
Approximately seven months ago, I offered to chaperone four girls on their senior trip after overhearing them talking about it. It actually started out that I would go to the beach with them. As I began to think about a condo in Florida, I realized you can take a cruise just as cheap. So started my plan. (And CONTRARY to what many think and what rumors have flown, the Erwin family did NOT pay for the entire trip for everyone. The End.)
I love to travel. I live to plan my next trip. As the planning process began, we had to choose a date. Because of high school camp with GBC and college orientation, we chose June 29-July 5. I even received flack from people because I was going to be away from my husband on July 5. Uh, don’t you think my husband and I talk? He and Collin took a trip to Dollywood for a week the week before we left. Their first man trip together and they had a blast. It was a great bonding time for them.
Julianne Shiles (Trey’s girlfriend), Leighton Newman, Madison Young, Katie Beth Hopkins, and I hopped a plane to Miami on Saturday, June 29 for two days prior to getting on the Majesty of the Seas for the Bahamas. Just to sum up our personal time on the trip – we laughed until we could laugh no more. I was even grabbing the hand rail walking down the hall so I wouldn’t pee we were laughing so hard! We were not ashamed to pray at dinner with our dinner companions (a family of three). And I am proud to say the girls conducted themselves in a manner that their parents would be proud. They knew I held no rope around their neck and they could come and go as they pleased, but they were respectful and courteous.
Before we left, I gave them all journals. I told them that I wanted them to write and/or think about what God had showed them that day and what they had done for God. We would talk about it later. I would catch Madison going at it in her journal. It was theirs to keep and read, not for anyone else. And I had one too. Many personal feelings spilled in those journals, I’m sure. We didn’t talk about it too much, but Trey was on our minds.
On formal night, the family at our table brought us all roses. It was the sweetest thing. We each had a red rose. When I got back to our room, the girls had bought me a half dozen roses and the card said “From Trey and his Girls, We love you”. What the girls didn’t realize till later is that the florist gave them 8 roses. We decided to add our roses in with what they had bought. I stood there just amazed and said girls, you won’t believe this, but there are 13 roses here. We all just went WHOA!!!! It was a good moment for all of us.
Jumping back a bit, the first day we spent in the Bahamas, we went to Atlantis. Everywhere we went, people would ask, “Are these your daughters?” As much as I would have loved to say yes and claim all of them, it gave us the opportunity to tell why we were on the trip. We told the story over and over again. I would introduce Julianne and explain about Trey and the girls being Trey’s girls who stood by him during his illness and it opened the door to how God worked in Trey’s life. We were on the lazy river (which is not lazy) at Atlantis and we were waiting to go on a hill and a man complimented my tattoo. We began to talk and it led to me explaining the reason behind the tattoo. JUST THE REASON WHY I GOT IT – SEE!!!!! His face became very down and he began to talk about his divorce, etc. and it opened a door for me to be encouraging to him about God and forgiveness.
Our next island was Coco Cay. While we were shopping, I was asked the same question about the girls by a Bahamian lady. She immediately said her son would be 17 this year. She explained her story and how she could not have survived without the Lord. When she mentioned the Lord, I began to inquire about her salvation. She said, Oh, Yes, Jesus is my savior. Her name is Bernadette and we said that we would pray for each other as the years are hard. Her son died at 7 weeks 3 days. She said she cried until two years ago when he came to her in a dream and spoke to her and told her to stop crying, that he is fine and brushed her tears away. She said she has not cried since. We hugged and talked more about walking with the Lord during the time of loss. I’m glad Madison was standing there to hear both of us talk. It can be so easy and I didn’t realize how easy, to begin a conversation about Christ. I will never forget that moment.
I think the moment that all of us will remember is when we all returned from walking around Key West and we were lounging on the deck. Leighton accidentally knocked plates and pizza crumbs went everywhere. (She did that a lot this trip! Ha ha Leighton!) A Haitian man with a broom came up to sweep the crumbs. We began to talk and one of the girls asked him if he liked his job. He said he did not like his job but he liked having a job because he has something else he wants to do. I asked him what that was. He said it was a secret and he pointed to his chest. He said, if I tell you, it will not be a secret anymore and words have ears. I liked that – WORDS HAVE EARS. I began to realize it probably had something to do with his culture. I did tell him that even though our tongue can be like a two-edged sword, we should look to God for our guidance and He will lead us. To our surprise he grinned and kind of stuttered and said – like is says in Proverbs – and he could not remember the chapter and verse – but he quoted “I love those who love me; And those who diligently seek me will find me.” He kept saying seek, seek and you will find. I grabbed my phone and brought the bible up and his eyes got big and he said “YOU HAVE THE BIBLE ON YOUR PHONE!” I said yes. We found the verse – Prov. 8:17. He said “One day, I will have the bible on my phone.” I asked him why he didn’t carry a small bible in his back pocket. He said OHHH, it would get crumbled and bent. If we ONLY cared that much about our own bible. We kept talking to him and he said he was so glad we spilled the crumbs because it gave him a chance to talk to someone that talks about his Lord too. WHAT A GOD MOMENT. He would sweep a few chairs away and come back and keep talking. It was so cool.
We flew back to Memphis on July 5. Yes, that was the anniversary of Trey’s death. I’ve never been so exhausted. We had kids from Collierville High and kids from church come to the house that I had asked specifically to share in the evening. I was able to share some of the stories from above and they were able to share funny stories about Trey like the white napkin, him being told to gain weight and his reply with a straight face, “Ma’am, I have cancer” and walking out and bursting into laughter. That kid. Even stories of him crossing the street and trucks honking at him and him yelling, “Don’t you know I have cancer!” He truly lived up to the phrase – Hakuna Matata. Then, we all piled up and watched Lion King. Such a fitting way to honor Trey. Laugh at things he would laugh at and watch his favorite movie.
Lord, thank you for being with us and so ever present on this trip. Thank you for giving me four GREAT girls to share a time that could have been spent in tears. Thank you for giving us laughter, and yes, even tears together sometimes, but for good reasons. Thank you for boldness to speak your name. I pray that the words we spread will not come back void and blessings will return to the girls for being obedient to your word. I thank you for all the sweet children, yes precious souls, that gathered at our house on Friday to remember the legacy of Trey. I pray that you would prick their hearts to remember him, his story, and to tell it often of his love for you, his bravery, his courage, and his wisdom, all gained from reading your word and being obedient even till death. Lord, these words come to mind because I know this is what Trey would say – I will not boast in anything. No gifts, no power, no wisdom. But I will boast in Jesus Christ, his death and resurrection. Why should I gain from His reward, I cannot give an answer. For this I know with all my heart, His wounds have paid my ransom! Thank you Lord for paying MY ransom and the ransom for my son. Hug him for me, for his Dad, for his brother, for his girls. Amen.
This will be short. As I told my Pastor yesterday, I planned trip for Jay for next week with Collin (per his request), and a trip for me for the next week thinking I would be excited and they would occupy my thoughts. I was wrong. Nothing can keep Trey from the forefront of my mind.
Last night I was alone. Jay was working and Collin was still at camp with Central Church. I had to go into Trey’s room to get something. It was just on my mind and I had to get it. I started going through drawers to see if I needed anything else and I kept running across things we had decided to just leave there; t-shirts, socks, personal items, bathing suits, and there were his yellow shorts. His yellow polo shorts that hardly fit him when we ordered them for Hawaii. I just picked them up and before I knew it, I was crying uncontrollably and on the floor next to his bed. His bed…the first time I made up his bed was this week since his death.
Then I went to his t-shirt rack and found his long-sleeve superman t-shirt he wore to high school camp this time last year, and this tie-dye tank that he wore in the picture with his Aunt Donna the week before he died. I don’t know why God took me down this memory road to cry and grieve. It only made for a painful night’s sleep.
I didn’t hear any “It’s going to be okay” from God. All I could do is submerge my face in this t-shirts and try to inhale as much smell as I could. Nothing.
Over the next two weeks I will be working on myself to move the grief process along. I’m not saying that these weeks will be easy. They will be excruciating. I was kidding myself when I thought I could move through this time with my head held high and just go along like nothing was wrong. My son is gone. He will never come back. Never walk in that door, smile at me, and say love you mama. I heard that literally everyday.
Instead, Jay and I will be leaning on each other and taking care of Collin. When we cross your mind, please pray for us. As I have said many times, his presence fills our house in a mighty way, but in many of your lives, he is very much a distant memory. We understand that. It will take time for us to turn the pain into joy. Only with God’s help can we do this. And that’s exactly what I am working on. My identity in Christ, my stronghold, my Rock, my Redeemer. He has never left us and never failed us.
Pray for me on Sunday as I speak at the University of Memphis and that God will lay on my heart the words that I need to say. Thank you all for your prayers for the next two weeks.
For Good…
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I’ve been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better
And because I knew you…
Because I knew you…
Because I knew you…
I have been changed for good.
Today, I did something I thought I would never do. I got a tattoo. I know, some of you are probably very shocked. I’m almost 50 years old and I have no business getting a tattoo. I researched this subject by listening to podcasts by John Piper, reading articles by Relevant Christian on What the Bible Says about Tattoos, I talked to several pastors, I discussed it with my family, and most importantly, I prayed about it. Of course, my 83 year old mother wasn’t too thrilled.
This idea has been going on in my head for months and months. I knew what I wanted it to look like, what I wanted it to say, and where I wanted it. I called to make the appointment and they told me it would be a year! A YEAR! I sent a text to a friend of mine, Dawn McMillian and told her that it would be a year. I knew that she had an appointment for her soon to be 18 year old son as a surprise for his birthday. She sent me a text later and told me don’t worry about it, June 15 at 3:30. I said what? She said she took care of it, I was going with her family. Well, that took away a year of changing my mind!
Today, we went to the very reputable Ramesses’ and I went first. Jay was there to hold my hand, thankfully. It really hurt. Bad. All I could think about was how much Trey had gone through being poked and prodded with needles and this was nothing compared to what he suffered. I covered myself with his UT blanket that covered him when he died. Good thing because I hugged it tight.
After it was over, I went to sit in a chair and wait for J.D. to go. Immediately I began to think – what have I done! About that time, I got a text from Keith Cochran, our former youth minister. He attached a video from a men’s conference. It was a huge conference center filled with men singing 10,000 Reasons. I just smiled and sent him and text and told him that I had just gotten my tattoo! Jay had to leave and go to work and I stayed with the McMillian family.
I sat and sat, and as my leg was throbbing I watched J.D. get engraved on his arm UNASHAMED – Romans 1:16. He was in some pain too, by the way. Romans 1:16 says, “For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek.” His tattoo did not take as long as mine and before we knew it, we were on our way home, all bandaged up.
My thought was that I was not going to share the picture or the news of my tattoo until people saw it. As I was in the parking lot in Kroger, a sweet lady approached my car to ask if I was Lisa. I said yes and we carried on a conversation. She told me she read my blog and told me how strong I was. I told her I was not as strong as she thought I was and that I get very weary and worn.
On my way home from Kroger, I began to think, did Christ get weary and worn? Did he ever just want to stop sharing God’s word and hide? Then I began to think, what have I done to my leg? Just as I was pulling up to Peterson Lake, 10,000 Reasons came on the radio. I just began to cry uncontrollably. The verse that got me – “Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me, Let me be singing when the evening comes.”
Christ had imprints of the nails in his hands and side that he had to prove to Thomas in John 20. Thomas, after touching His hands and side said, “My Lord, My God!” Jesus said to Thomas, “Because you have seen me, you have believed? Blessed are they who did not see, and yet believed.”
I mentioned that story because most tattoos are personal. They tell a story, as do scars. Trey’s favorite movie was The Lion King and he was Simba~always. After Dr. Sara told him that he had cancer, the only thing that he tweeted was “Hakuna Matata” which means no worries. Trey had no worries. He knew his future and what God had in store for him. If anyone sees my tattoo, I will be able to tell the story of what God has done in my family, through Trey, and through James 1:2-3, with perseverance and faith, we have no worries.
Thank you J.D. McMillian, for I learned a lesson today. I am UNASHAMED. And I STILL have more to tell through God’s grace.
“Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.” James 1:2-3
I had a conversation with a friend recently on our mission trip to North Dakota and I explained to them why I cry during certain songs that we sing. When people see me crying, or just a tear rolling down my face, I think they think immediately I am missing Trey. Sometimes that is true. I have always been in the choir, since a child. I have grown up paying attention to the lyrics and their meaning. You can find such a deeper connection to God and worship when you actually know the words you are singing!
One of Trey’s favorite songs was The Stand. We sang it at his celebration. (I still can’t say funeral.) Since I have been so involved in the youth for so many years, I was able to watch Trey grow in his worship experience, much like I am watching Collin now. I’ll never forget Bretta Cochran sending me pictures from middle school camp of Collin worshipping last year unashamed and unabandoned and my heart just soared. For a boy who is so introvert, I knew it was true worship for him.
The words to the song are as follows:
You stood before creation
Eternity in your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand
You stood before my failure
And carried the cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon your shoulders
My soul now to stand
So what could I say?
And what could I do?
But offer this heart, Oh God
Completely to you
So I’ll walk upon salvation
Your spirit alive in me
This life to declare your promise
My soul now to stand
So what could I say?
And what could I do?
But offer this heart, Oh God
Completely to you
I’ll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the one who gave it all
I’ll stand
My soul Lord to you surrendered
All I am is yours
For me, it’s a song that will never get old. I captured a picture of Trey and Julianne worshipping to this song at camp several years ago.
Now, pay attention to the lyrics and maybe you’ll understand why I cry. God has all power, he created us and knows our every move and choice. He knows our failures, our sins, and our heart. But who came to take all of that away? His son, Jesus Christ. There is absolutely nothing we can do to repay what he did on the cross for our sins. God sent His son to save us. I just take it a little further…He sent his son to save MY son because my son is already in his eternal home. So when I am crying, they are tears of thankfulness, humbleness before my God.
As parents, we are so selfish for our children. We often say that we would die for our children. I know Jay said that when Trey was diagnosed. But you see, Christ already did that. He suffered the pain and anguish on the cross for Trey. That’s why I cry. He did that for my baby, already knowing that Trey would one day suffer four months of tremendous pain and nausea. That’s why I’m “In awe of the one who gave it all.” And that’s another reason why we have always had such a peace. Trey knew that ALL along. His soul was surrendered to the Lord and all he had was His.
One thing that does bother me is that our youth sing and don’t pay attention to the lyrics. I’ve wanted to stand before our youth and tell them this story so many times but have not been given the opportunity. I want them to make a difference in someone else’s life by the way they worship and have surrendered to the Lord. There are two precious young men that were close to Trey since childhood that openly worship God unashamed, Josh Luke and Tim Few. I know that sometimes they are persecuted for things they do or say. But I want them to know that they are leaders and I pray for them all the time. God has a place for them because “God’s spirit is alive in them!” I know Trey is cheering his brothers on!
So if you see me crying, don’t feel sorry for me. The next thing you know I’ll be praising God with “Arms high and heart abandoned, In awe of the one who gave it all!” That’s what I pray for others. I was talking to a friend yesterday, Ryan Mullins. I was in much-needed advice for the direction of our family. I am so blessed to have Ryan and Anne in our lives. When Ryan and Keith Cochran preached at Trey’s celebration, they started a hashtag that I hope will continue – #dontmissjesus. That’s what would be Trey’s greatest desire, that you don’t miss Jesus!
So buddy, here’s to you! #dontmissjesus! Thank you Jesus for dying for my sins and saving me, my family, and our Trey!
Someone asked me if I was sure I wanted to go on the mission’s trip to Fargo, North Dakota. I said you bet I do! This is the only trip during the year that the high school and the middle school are combined for one purpose. It brings them together to bond. This was Trey’s favorite trip of the year since 6th grade. It taught him how to be a better servant.
I find it humorous that what Trey tweeted one year ago yesterday fits every mission trip we’ve gone on – “Things can change in a blink of an eye, but knowing that it is nothing that my God can’t handle, takes away all unnecessary worries!” You see, we always leave with an agenda for the week of where we will working, singing, staying, and sometimes God has other plans.
North Dakota is having very cool weather for this time of the year. And on top of that, there were threats of thunderstorms during the week. That’s like us having threats of tornadoes. With the land as flat as it is, flooding is very damaging.
On Monday, the plan was to sing at two nursing homes and do their chapel services. Both buses ended up at one nursing home. Half the group sang and half the group did the puppet show. We all then came together and sang for their chapel time. The nursing home residents were so blessed by our being with them. We loved watching them sing along with us…they just grinned! We had some women that really liked our young men!
We spent the afternoon in a park for lunch. It was really cold. At least for us. This is when we had the opportunity to play elbow tag. It was fun to watch the new kids (young and old) learn this favorite game. It took me back to one of the last times Trey played and the two people I have pictures of Trey linked arms with, one picture with his buddy Daniel Roberts and one picture with Bryn Norton, Ron’s daughter. He loved Bryn and Conleigh. At first, when the game started, Collin went up into the gym set by himself and did not play. I joined him to check on him knowing that something was bothering him. All I did was sit with him. All it took was mama just being there for a minute and being with her son and then he said, I think I’ll go play. We both knew Trey was missing.
We spent the rest of the afternoon canvassing the neighborhood for the block party for Tuesday evening. The kids had so much fun. You always say if you only reach one person for Christ, that’s one more in the kingdom. There was a little girl with a lemonade stand. It was cold outside and every door my group went to was closed. But one of our groups encountered the little girl with the lemonade stand. Her daddy told her that she would not find anyone that would drink her lemonade but she was determined to put it up. Drew saw her first and talked to her. He told her that he knew of some people that would buy her lemonade. So one of our groups came to her stand and wiped her out while Tim Brown, the pastor we were working with, had the opportunity to speak to the father. God used the little girl and her lemonade stand.
Monday evening we went to the RedHawks ballgame! We were so proud of Tim Few who sang the national anthem! Ron danced for his dinner on the field (and won), and Drew and Caleb Howe dressed in chicken suits and raced across the field! Ballgame, embarrassing your leaders, hotdogs, foul balls, and lots of fun!
Tuesday began with a little confusion. Both busses ended up at Churches United for the Homeless. One bus was going to go the service project and one bus was going to go canvass. This is not what God had planned. The homeless shelter has a clothes closet for the homeless. There were bags and bags and bins that needed to be sorted and hung up or sorted. The kids worked so hard all morning.
At lunch we took the kids the to Space Aliens for some fun arcade and food time. At that time, Tim had been watching a storm system come in. It was decided to cancel the block party for the evening. We went back to Churches United to keep working.
Tuesday night we went to a local church to eat sandwiches and play games. The outpouring of hospitality by the local churches for us to meet at the last minute was so impressive.
Wednesday morning we did the same thing. We went back to Churches United. There were kids restocking the kitchen, fixing a bathroom leak, stocking shelves with baby clothes, and hanging women’s and men’s clothes.
At lunch, our kids cooked for their residents and we surrounded the room and sang. Once the residents had been fed, our food was not ready and we had to keep singing. Some residents were singing along, some were crying. I couldn’t help but cry. It was June 5, exactly 11 months since Trey had died. Many adults knew and few of the kids realized it or recognized it. It was a sweet time to surround the people that we had been working for so hard. The remark was made that what we did would have taken them all summer to get accomplished.
The afternoon was spent with the groups being spent being split between canvassing for another block party and working at the Dorothy Day House which is a place for homeless to low income families to come to purchase food. This group spent the afternoon stocking shelves of donated food.
Wednesday at 6 pm was our block party! We had a baseball and soccer clinic led by Duffy Guyton, crafts led by Karen Stonebrook, puppets led by Ben Lane, inflatables, games, free food, face painting, nails, it was all there! God held off the rain till it was time to leave at 8 pm.
We headed to Temple Baptist like we did every night to debrief. This was my favorite part of the week. Drew led this time of the week and asked the students different questions. The first question was what’s the one thing that someone did that you would like to encourage them publicly about? The kids were raising their hands so fast you couldn’t keep up with them. Some of them might have seemed so small to others but they were so important to that person. This is the time that you sit back and see what bonds your group together after working so hard all day. Kids from the age of 12/13 to 18.
The second question was what will make tomorrow better than today? What we heard most – attitudes. Everyone would get so tired during the day and it was easy to get cranky. We pushed and pushed water!
The last question was what did God speak to you during your time with Him personally? We spent a lot of time on this subject. I’d like to keep this between the group. God has His hand on our group. He kept us safe from injury, from illness, and most of all, the kids realized that no matter what we have planned, everything is in God’s plan, in His time, for His purpose.
That’s why I think it’s so ironic that just one year ago yesterday Trey tweeted about God changing things so quickly and we should not worry about it. Did he know something we didn’t know? I don’t think so. I just think he had a little better insight to how life can change so quickly, just like for so many of the homeless we served.
We never know where God will lead us tomorrow. Part of our devotion time this week was from Isaiah 6:8-10. “Then I heard the voice of The Lord saying, “Whom shall I send, and who will go for Us?” Then I said, “Here am I. Send me!” The rest of that scripture goes on say how God told Isaiah to tell the people, “Listen hard, but you aren’t going to get it; look hard, but you won’t catch on.”
We know some are not going to get it. I remember having this conversation with Trey and how frustrated he would get that people just didn’t get it! As long as we answer the call to go, plant the seed, just as we did this week, God will come behind and fertilize what has been planted.
I am so proud of every student that answered the call for this trip and worked so hard. We saw so many changes in students. Our next goal – extend the mission field to Germantown as we did in North Dakota. Learn to serve our own.
living the life of christ 