Once there was a little boy named Harrison…I could start this blog like that.  I’ve mentioned Harrison before.  He’s the sweetest little three-year old. I believe when I talked about him last, I told everyone on the caringbridge that he returned to Trey the prayer bear that I had given him when he was born.  In turn, I gave him a picture of Trey in his football uniform.  I’d like to share a little bit more about Harrison and how he is learning about heaven and Jesus through Trey.

In September, Leigh, Harrison’s mom sent me this message – “Ok. So this morning- totally out of the blue- Harrison said- mama. Where is trey? And this sweet question led to a whole conversation about him. I told him he was in heaven! He asked- when’s him coming home? I told him that he wasn’t coming home- that heaven was his home now. He asked- what’s him doing up there? I told him that he was getting to spend every moment with Jesus, worshipping Him and singing songs to Him and enjoying the place that He had made for Trey. He thought for a minute and said- that’s awesome! But I’m not ready to go to heaven. So I told him- none of us ever think we are ready- but when it’s time for Jesus to come get us- then we are so happy and heaven is so wonderful- that we are so happy that He did! He thought for a few more min and then said- ok mama. And smiled the biggest smile. Just wanted you to know that your baby is helping my baby understand a little bit about heaven. Thank you. Xoxo”

All could do was thank Leigh for being consistent in teaching Harrison about Jesus and telling him the truth of where Trey was.  Jesus was so tender with children.  “Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward of my heart.” Ps. 127:3  Yes, we are very much rewarded by our children and it is up to parents to lead, guide, and direct them down the path that they should go.  I still rely on “Train up a child as he should go, and he will not depart from it.” Prov. 22:6  Jay and I truly believe our children are who they are because of their foundation.  That is who Trey was.

I received another message today from Leigh: “ok. So the picture you gave Harrison of Trey in his football uniform has been hanging on a bulletin board in his playroom ever since. He looks at it all the time and talks about what team he played for. Well today- he wanted me to get the picture down. And he asked all the same questions about Trey and heaven. Today he asked about you, too. “Where’s hims mama?” Well. After I got a hold of myself- I told him you were at home getting ready for church. And he wanted to know when you would see Trey again. I told him that when you went to heaven- you would see him again. Then he put Trey’s pic beside his plate and he looked at Trey all during his breakfast and then he hung him on the fridge. “Down low so I can see hims football uniform better. ” precious. Loving and praying for you every day.”

That message just touched my heart.  I told Leigh to tell Harrison to change his prayers.  He needed to start praying for Trey’s mama because she misses her buddy so much.  There are days that I just can’t take it.  Giving up is so much easier.

Leigh then sends me this message this morning:  “Harrison’s prayer this morning- “dear Jesus- thank you for Trey’s new body. Hims can run so fast now. And thank you for hims mom and dad and bruver. And Lord- just watch over them. “. Amen.”

I believe with all of my heart that God heard every word that came out of Harrison’s mouth and will come out of his mouth.  Yes, we are all born sinners, but there is an age of accountability I believe.  He believes Jesus loves him and that Trey is the place that God prepared for him.  All things that are the truth.  What a blessing to have a mom and dad in Leigh and Ronnie to guide Harrison down the road that leads to salvation and a greater walk with the Lord, no matter what happens.  God doesn’t tell us it will be easy.  Leigh already knows that.  Leigh’s faith is one of the reasons Harrison is her son.

As with the teaching and learning Harrison is experiencing about Trey and heaven, Jay and I are learning the difference between grieving and mourning.  Grief is the weight in the chest, the churning in the gut, the unspeakable thoughts and feelings.  Mourning is the outward expression of grief.  Mourning is crying, journaling, creating artwork, talking to others about the death, telling the story.  I understand Job when he said in Job 30:28 “I go about mourning without comfort; I stand up in the assembly and cry out for help.”  But I KNOW that my mourning will turn to dancing.  I just don’t know when.  And I’m going to mourn to the extent I need to until that time.  Ps. 30:11-12 “You have turned my mourning into dancing’ You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness, That my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent.  O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever.”  We sang that song in choir.  I loved it.

I’m glad I have Harrison prays for hims mama.  Because she drives home from work each day crying wanting her son back so desperately.  Just wanting him to be home when she gets home.  Knowing he won’t be.  Knowing that voice won’t be there.  But like Harrison said, he’s running with a new body.  No cancer.  Catching passes and dunking basketballs.  All his dreams.  But at this stage, his parents can only cry and mourn the dreams we have lost.  And look forward to next Monday when we take Collin to have an endoscopy.  Then we wait, Again.  And again, we will trust God with all we have.  That He has a purpose for ALL things – for good.

Well, you never know how the child will react, but I think I called it.  He was just fine.  Actually, he said, “I think I have IBS!” I had to keep from rolling on the floor.  We already know he does not have IBS.  I explained the entire situation in sport’s terms.  The best offense is to have a good defense and that’s what we are doing.  We made him look at our faces when we told him that he does not have cancer and he said he knows.  But, actually, until we have these baseline tests done, we do not know anything.  I think he understands that.  He knows he is now a patient of St. Jude and Dr. Federico.

I really don’t think he could have taken it any better.  He understands about the tests and how he will be put to sleep for the endoscopy.  This test has not been scheduled yet.  He will have an MRI at St. Jude on Nov. 12 and then we’ll see Dr. Federico after that.  It will be a long day at the Jude.  Another day, another child.  But like we told Collin, it’s like putting bug spray on so you won’t get bitten by mosquitos.  We did tell him if he did get cancer, we would know very quickly and be able to get started with whatever treatment is needed.

In my mind, Collin is very informed.  I told him if he ever feels like he needs to talk about it, then he needs to tell us.  We also told him if kids start to say to him that he has cancer, he can look at them and say NO, I DO NOT!

Now comes the fall out of his thoughts.  We’ll see how that goes over the next week or so.  We pray that God will grow him into a strong young man.

“And the beat goes on.  Drums keep pounding rhythm through my brain. LA DE DA DE DEE, LA DE DA DE DA.  And the beat goes on.”

Sometimes, that is all that I feel is beating, drums in my head and that’s all that is left.  But we keep going.  Collin has no contact with social media right now and we have not told him, but I feel safe in posting before we tell him the full story before we tell him tonight. 

As I had mentioned in a carebridge post many months ago that we would have Collin gene tested, we have actually had the results for a couple of weeks.  The P16 gene test came back positive.  Many of you will ask, “What does that mean?”  Well, that’s a good question.  You can ask the top, world renowned researchers in the world and they don’t exactly know.  WE HAVE ASKED THEM.  This gene is a familial gene that is passed from parent to child.  Our problem is, there is NO screening in place for the children that this gene is passed.  Trey was such as rare case.

I want to say LOUDLY, this DOES NOT mean Collin has cancer.  It just increases his risks of pancreatic cancer.  The P16 gene is a mutant melanoma gene which transmutes to the pancreas.  It can also show up in the form of lymphoma.

What St. Jude has been doing for the last three to four weeks is talking to the top doctors at the top hospitals across the country to gather information on how best to screen Collin.  The ideal way to screen Collin is to do it the most less invasive way with the least amount of radiation.  This screening will be an ongoing procedure throughout this life.  Dr. Tauer at West Clinic has been notified, of course.  But we are going a different route with a gastro dr.  We will be seeing Dr. Farees Farooq tomorrow just for an initial consultation.  We will talk to him about the endoscopy that Collin will have done to ultrasound his pancreas.  This will be done at Methodist Germantown even though Collin is now considered at St. Jude patient.  After this test, Dr. Sara (who was Trey’s doctor) will do an extensive MRI to get many slices (pictures).  Both of these tests will be very good baseline tests.

We have talked with Dr. Dave Tuveson of John Hopkins and he has met with Harold Varmus who is head of the National Cancer Institute.  They also brought in the head of the oncology/hematology department at the National Cancer Institute.  We gave Dr. Tuveson full permission to use Trey’s records as he seems fit for research.  When Trey was alive, he expressed that desire as they were taking blood and we signed forms for that permission.  There is just not enough research in this area.  My biggest fear is that another family will experience this and there will not be any answers for them like there were not for us – only quality of life.

When Trey was diagnosed, there was really no doubt as to how he would handle the situation.  With Collin, there is no idea how he will take this news.  He is still dealing with the death of his brother, coming off a football season where he struggled, he is failing at school and we seem to not be getting the help we need in that area, now we have to tell him this.  He heard me tell someone this morning that he had a doctors appointment tomorrow afternoon and he yelled from downstairs and said – “Not another therapist!”  I laughed and said no, not another therapist.  He said, “Who then?” I told him a gastro doctor to get some things checked out and dad and I would explain more after school.  He didn’t skip and beat and asked me to throw up a towel.

There are so many facets to this P16 gene that our knowledge cannot wrap our heads around it.  We know that Collin will not be able to do it.  We do not plan on mentioning the P16 gene to him.  It will only confuse him and worry him when we really don’t think he has that much to be worried over, we hope.  We are going to let the doctors and researchers do that for us.

We are parents that have many questions.  So if you ask us a question, it is likely that we will tell you that we have no idea and that we have asked that question ourselves.  Like why don’t they do pancreatic research at St. Jude?  Because it is SO rare and needs to be highly funded.  Research is happening, it is just not at St. Jude.  If we were at the top children’s hospital in the world, I don’t understand this.  I am pushing my way through to find this out.  I told Dr. Tuveson that I am very pro-active and aggressive.  He said he was glad I was on his team.  This won’t bring Trey back, but it might save someone else from losing their Trey.

I think it was D. J. Stephens that said to me that God would not allow us to lose both of our children.  I told him I wouldn’t think so, but maybe He would jus this to strengthen Collin.  If you are a student or friend of Collin’s and read this before we get to tell him, you are in trouble!  You shouldn’t have your phone at school anyway! ;o)

The Works and the Word of God.

Psalms 19

1 The heavens are telling of the glory of God;
And their expanse is declaring the work of His hands.
² Day to day pours forth speech,
And night to night reveals knowledge.
³ There is no speech, nor are there words;
Their voice is not heard.
⁴ Their line has gone out through all the earth,
And their utterances to the end of the world.
In them He has placed a tent for the sun,
⁵ Which is as a bridegroom coming out of his chamber;
It rejoices as a strong man to run his course.
⁶ Its rising is from one end of the heavens,
And its circuit to the other end of them;
And there is nothing hidden from its heat.

I was on my way to work this morning and the song by Chris Tomlin came on – Indescribable.  “Indescribable, uncontainable, you put the stars in the sky and you know them by name.  You are amazing God. All powerful, untamable, Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim.  You are amazing God.”  Those words took me back to yesterday.  The first day I stood at Trey’s grave looking at his headstone.  Many people ask if I go there often.  Actually, no.  That was only the second time since the funeral and the only reason I went was to take a shot for the news segment that is coming on channel 3 on Thursday night at 10.  Not that I don’t want to go, but this forced me to go.  Want to know how we are REALLY doing, watch at 10 p.m., Thursday on channel 3.  Richard Ransom, we just think you are awesome and are blessed by a new friendship.

The reason the words have anything to do with my visit is because I was wired for sound and totally prepared to fall to my knees in brokenness.  Don’t get me wrong.  I was very shaken, very upset, and tears flowed like a river.  But I told the videographer that Trey was not there.  The only thing that upset me was seeing his name, my son’s name.  That’s finality.  When I heard this morning “you put the stars in the sky and you know them by name” I thought, you know my name, you know each hair on my head, you know each thought before I think it, and especially, you know each tear before I cry it.  What a comfort.  You are amazing God.  Yes, awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim.

I think people read my posts, blogs, and think I am amazingly strong.  I’ve said this to my close friends.  I so know how Trey felt.  I am not strong, I am only doing what God is calling me to do.  I am so weak and hanging on by a thread.  I require so much prayer right now.  Panic attacks and chest pains plague me.  Tears at the oddest times embarrass me.  Sadness overwhelms me.  I miss my son.  I can’t say that without crying.  I told a good friend yesterday that I wished I could just snuggle in her arms and cry!  And I know she would let me (Cuz Becky Roberts has that big of a heart!) Someone said to me recently, well, you are putting on a good face.  No, God is giving me undeniable strength that I can’t explain.  I have taken much of the month of October away from church to grieve and handle resting and get things done (grieving with friends, bladder surgery on Friday (thank you Cindy for taking me), decisions for Collin, and many family decisions).  I would like to share more with you now, if I could, but I can’t.  We have much more going on that needs prayer.  Let’s just say the road we are going down and some testing we had done through St. Jude is not over, but only beginning.  We will be able to share more soon.  God is doing some amazing work already.  We love you Dr. Sara Federico!

We took a very difficult trip to Knoxville this weekend without Trey.  Tailgate for the Cure did such a wonderful job in honoring Trey’s memory and giving to St. Jude.  Too bad we couldn’t win the game. ;o)  Jay and I both said ~ Trey’s not here.  You have to know that he consumes our thoughts and we pray by reading the Word that God would consume us.  This is a slow process.  You can see this by watching the news cast from Knoxville at http://downtown.wbir.com/news/news/45590-tailgate-cure-fundraiser-honors-tn-cancer-victim

I’m determined to not let Satan get the best of me, yet I have to realize that some of this is the natural progression of grief. 

Point 5. in an awesome book I just started reading:

* The journey through grief is a long and difficult one, especially for parents whose child has died.  The death is wrong – it is unnatural, it is out of order, it is unfair, it is unfathomable.

* Be compassionate with yourself as you encounter painful thoughts and feelings.  Allow yourself to think and do whatever you need to think and do to survive.

* Don’t judge yourself or try to set a particular course for healing.  There is no single, right way to grieve and there is no timetable.

*Let your journey be what it is.  And let yourself—your new, grieving self—be who you are.

* (Most important) If others judge you or try to direct your grief in ways that seem hurtful or inappropriate, ignore them.  You are the only expert of your grief.  Usually such people are well-intentioned but they lack insight.  See if you can muster some compassion for them, too.

Ending tip – What are you beating yourself up about these days? If you have the energy (and you won’t always), address the problem head-on.  If you can do something about it, do it.  If you can’t, try to be self-forgiving.

What I want to end with is what encouraged me this morning.  How God lifted me beyond the heights that I could reach.  Yes, He can accomplish INFINITELY MORE than we might ask or think.  I am counting on that, believing that, having FAITH He will do it now and in the future in me, Jay and mostly in my precious Collin.  He did it in Trey.  So Trey was 1 in 5,000,000 with a disease.  Like Chris Tomlin’s song says, He put the stars in the sky and he knows them by name.  Do you know how many stars there are? Like we say in our family, Google it!

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. ~ Ephesians 3:20

I have so many Trey’s friends that make me smile – and to you, I am eternally grateful for your love, text messages, instagrams, tweets, fb messages, visits, everything! YOU are a blessing!  Trey was blessed by your friendship and that has kept our family going.  You have no idea how the little things make us smile.  We are planning a new t-shirt.  So watch for it.

Yesterday I had the opportunity to talk with the Collierville freshman football team.  Coach Kyle Reed invited me to speak to the boys.  He was also Trey’s coach in 9th grade.  Kyle told me the boys needed to be motivated.  When I first agreed, I asked myself, “How in the world can I motivate a bunch of 9th grade football players?”  Then I realized it was not up to me to do the motivating.  It was up to God.

I read them this quote.  “Football is like life – it requires perseverance, self-denial, hard work, sacrifice, dedication and respect for authority.”  The author of that quote was Vince Lombardi, head coach of the Green Bay Packers.  I went on to say, I can’t talk about the game itself because I do not play.  I can’t talk about what it’s like to be a boy because I am not one.  But I can talk about what it is like to persevere.

On their helmets they have a sticker – 1:2-3.  That’s all it says.  It stands for James 1:2-3.  I asked WHO put the stickers on their helmets.  Usually, the coaches or parents will stripe or decal the helmets for the players while they are practicing.  I was glad to know that THEY put the stickers on their helmet.  I think it will mean more when they put their helmets on.  They were aware that James 1:2-3 were Trey’s verses that he claimed during his illness.

“Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.  And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”

I was impressed that many of the boys knew the verses.  I was more impressed when I asked the question, “What does perseverance mean?”  It means doing something despite how difficult it is.  Playing football is not easy.  I asked how many of them wanted to quit at some time.  It took them a minute but eventually a few, then more, raised their hands.  Why?  They said because it’s hard!  I informed them that they were not the only team that had players wanting to quit.  Trey wanted to quit at that age.  Collin wanted to quit.  As a parent, you don’t let them quit.  What does that teach them?

I asked the team if the coach announced that he knew they would not win the game they were about to play, what would they do?  Would they quit?  They said NO!  They would try harder to prove him wrong.  Exactly!  Dedication, hard work, and sacrifice.  When Trey was diagnosed, he did not quit.  If anything, he tried harder to do what God had called him to do, be a disciple.  To win his game.

I think they got a little confused when I asked as they grow older (through the years of football) will it get easier.  They said yes.  I said NO!  They’ll have MORE coaches that will yell at them, they will be lifting weights, trying to gain or lose weight, more practices, all-in-all it will take MORE dedication to the sport they love.  They might not be first string like they are now.  They might fall to second string.  But they will need to stick to it through the hard times.

I really laughed when I asked the guys how many of you hate it when your parents yell at you from the sidelines.  I think every player raised their hand.  The point I tried to make to each of them was that no matter how much a parent tries, no matter how much a coach tries, they cannot make them BE aggressive or BE mean to be on the line.  They can’t make them WANT to go to practices.  We tried and tried to make Trey aggressive.  He could take a hit, but aggressiveness just wasn’t in his character.  We were told, it will come.

Sometimes it does come, but not in the form you would like. Trey became aggressive in his fight against his cancer.  It was what mattered to him.  We didn’t have to tell him, God instilled it in him.  Trey won his game.  I told the players I wanted them to remember every time they put on their helmet what perseverance means – doing something despite how difficult; knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. 

The last scripture I shared with them was 1 Timothy 4:12.

“Do not let anyone look down on your because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, and in purity.”

As a team, I believe they have a responsibility to set this example.  I was so proud of them.  Coach Kyle Reed should be proud of them.  They were attentive, responsive, and respectful.  I told them do not let anyone tell them they cannot do something – as in on the field.  Set their mind to it, work hard, be determined, and they will persevere.  My Trey did.  Healthy in heaven.  Missing my buddy on and off the field, but healthy in heaven.

I was driving to work this morning and noticed a peace lily plant next to a garbage can at the street.  I almost stopped!  I am one that will take care of a plant till the last leaf falls off.  Matter of fact, a friend at work sent an email out that she had two peace lilies upstairs that she was offering for someone to take care of on another floor because she just couldn’t keep them alive.  Of course I took one!

As I kept driving, my mind kept wondering back to the peace lily.  I call them funeral plants.  (I hear everyone going OHHH, now I know what they are!)  Why would someone throw away a perfectly good plant?  At least it looked pretty good.  The owner might have been tired of taking care of it.  It might have actually come from a funeral and brought sad memories.  Then I realized that I had been driving at 40 miles per hour and maybe it had bugs or a plant disease.

My mind immediately was drawn to myself and how people are viewing Jay and me.  We are seen in public and I cannot count the number of times people will come up and say, “I just want to give you a hug.”  Hugs are always welcome.  We smile and go along.  We are sometimes pointed at and I’ll either waive or just giggle.  Or, “How are you doing?”  Do you really want to know?

Jay and I have had many friends that have surrounded us at the Collierville football games tell us what an inspiration we have been to them.  I distinctly remember having the conversation with Trey about how he did not want to be an inspiration.  That was not his goal.  That is not our goal either.  We are just living our lives the best way we know how.  Sometimes, just like that plant, by all appearances, we look perfect.  So do many of our church friends and our youth, but down deep they may be dealing with something that is out of control.

Several weeks ago one of the seniors in the Sunday School girl’s class that I teach with a friend of mine gave her testimony.  It rocked their world to know this precious girl who seems to always have it all together has been in therapy for some very serious issues.  Were there signs?  I thought everything was fine and would give her a hug when I saw her.  Just like the hugs we are getting.

One of my favorite passages is John 15:1-11.   “I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. ² Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit, He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit, He prunes it so that it may bear more fruit. ³You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you. ⁴ Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you unless you abide in Me. ⁵ I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing. ⁶ If anyone does not abide in Me, he is thrown away as a branch and dries up; and they gather them, and cast them into the fire and they are burned. ⁷ If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. ⁸ My Father is glorified by this, that you bear much fruit, and so prove to be My disciples. ⁹ Just as the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you; abide in My love. ¹⁰ If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love; just as I have kept My Father’s commandments and abide in His love. ¹¹These things I have spoken to you so that My joy may be in you, and that your joy may be made full.

I thought of this scripture this morning and wondered if this plant was drying up like we dry up when we do not abide in Christ.  Even in my darkest hour, it is still my desire to produce fruit for God.  That is why it has not been our desire to inspire others, but to glorify God in all we do.  Our prayer is that through this journey we will continue producing fruit.  In order to produce the fruit, we need God because without Him, we can do nothing, absolutely nothing.  That plant, on its own, can do absolutely nothing.  It cannot grow, produce the white bloom, it cannot feed or water itself.  The plant relies upon a gardener.  Maybe the gardener got tired. 

I understand the weariness of a gardener and/or the branches of the vine.  Satan tempts us when we are weary.  He tells us we are not good enough.  He tells us we are not worth it.  He tells us we will not make a difference and we do not have anything to say.  Or that our grief and pain is crippling.  Yes, it can be, but not to the point of not producing fruit.  I almost believed him.  I call it SENSORY grief.  My eyes grieve Trey, my nose misses the smell of his skin, my ears miss this voice and his laughter, my hands miss touching his face and hair, my body misses his hugs, and most of all, kissing him goodnight each night, but my heart, oh, it knows the difference.  It still breaks, but my heart knows that he is rejoicing with Jesus and reaping his bountiful harvest of fruit.  Trey produced some fruit!

Now as for that plant, it looks perfect on the outside, but on the inside, maybe at the roots, it’s not doing so well.  Do you know someone like that?  Our roots are fine, it is just that we may LOOK perfect, or even okay on some days, but we just haven’t been watered lately.

About a year and a half ago (April 2011), I was at my desk while the attorney I work for, Joe, was in a meeting with another attorney.  Joe and David Caywood have been close for many years.  David came bursting out of the conference room on his cell phone and said I’ve got to go, something has happened to Connie’s son.  Connie Luke is David’s paralegal.  Our offices are close, so I called one of my friends in his office to get details.  I found out Jason had been in a wreck that morning and Connie was just then finding out but she did not know any details.  She did know the area.  I called Jay just to see if he knew anything and he told me he worked a wreck and had to transport a male to The Med that morning.  After several phone calls back and forth, we put two and two together and realized it was Jason.  Jason’s ID was in his backpack in the back seat so when Jay transported him, he had no ID.  Connie, unfortunately, had to go to the morgue to identify her son.  Jason was 16 and on his way to school and the only one in his car.

That same day Connie called me.  All she wanted to know from Jay was if Jason suffered.  I could tell her with certainty that he did not.  I also sent her a text on April 29, which I still have, and sent her one of my favorite verses, Nahum 1:7 “The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble.  He cares for those who trust in Him.”  I had not been so close to a mother that had lost their child so tragically.

I went to the funeral and so many of his friends spoke.  It was so very special.  He was a big UT fan.  Connie and I joke about that now about Trey and Jason.  Connie has a place on Facebook called Remembering Jason Peyton that she will post things to him.  I would read these all year and think, oh, this is so terrible.  She has got to be suffering so much.  Things like…Jason you would love what happened today.

Fast forward a year and here I am with Trey.  So many people think I do not have anyone to talk to that understands.  Connie understands.  We talk and communicate.  She waits for Jason to walk in the door from school just like I wait for Trey.  She hears his voice just like I hear Trey’s.  We both fear the day that we will not hear those sounds in our heads anymore.  God in his mercy interweaves his people for so many blessings.  Instead of Jay being with Jason that day, it could have been someone else.  That was Connie’s comfort.  And now, I have Connie who feels the same pain I am feeling each day.  God provides and is with us every step.

This morning I was reading my devotion in Jesus Calling and it said, “You are feeling wobbly this morning, looking at difficult times ahead, measuring them against your own strength.  However, they are not today’s task-or even tomorrow’s.  So leave them in the future and come home to the present, where you will find Me waiting for you.”  I was turning to the scripture passage in Exodus that was referenced to read.  I am using Trey’s bible for my devotion time.  As I reached Exodus, I could see yellow highlighter through the pages and I flipped to see what he had highlighted.  This is what I read ~

Genesis 28:15

“I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land.  I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.”

Thank you, Lord for never leaving me.  Or Trey.  And thank you for blessing me with my son.  Both sons.  Today, I am thankful for the Word of God that reminds me of his promises that gives me comfort so that I may comfort others.

Many have experienced seeing a child knock something valuable off a shelf and watching it fall in slow motion to the floor into small pieces, a teapot for example.  The teapot is shattered into what seems a million pieces on the floor.  You know it was not done on purpose and there is no scolding.  The teapot is just there.  Waiting for you to either throw it away or glue it back together.

 Prov. 15:13 says “A joyful heart makes a cheerful face, But when the heart is sad, the spirit is broken.”  Jay and I have entered the time of being broken and hurt.  We are much like the teapot that is in many pieces. I knew when it came down to it, I would be the one that would be affected the most; it was just a matter of time.  That time is here and how do we handle it?

Jay and I talked last night about suicide.  I know, you think that is so drastic.  Don’t freak out, we are human.  In despair, your mind goes so many places.  He has not thought about it at all.  I, on the other hand, have thought about it several times.  Satan creeps in when we are weak, and I am either crying or sleeping, so he’s got me.  I know I am feeling that way because so much of a big part of our lives has died.  This reminds me of the song the Hurt and the Healer by MercyMe.  Parts of the lyrics are, “Breathe, sometimes I feel that’s all that I can do.  Pain so deep that I can hardly move.”  But the song goes on to say “Jesus come and break my fear, Awake my heart and take my tears, Find Your glory even here.”

I have a mental image of God catching my tears and using them as glue to put the teapot back together, which is me.  There are some pieces He will have to hold in place for a while for the glue to hold and I think He’s holding us in one of those places right now.  But we know there is healing in this time, as much as I don’t see it with my eyes.  But I am claiming Jeremiah 17:14 that says “Heal me, O LORD, and I will be healed; Save me and I will be saved, for You are my praise.”  I know in time we will heal as He puts US back together.  I told Jay last night that it made me angry that I couldn’t just push all this aside and get over it.  (That’s my fighting spirit.) And he said, we’ll never get over this.  He is right and that’s why I cry out to the Lord.  Just stop and think.  Imagine.  Your child.  Gone.  Never to touch, smell, or kiss again.  You can’t.

I’m so thankful that God did not pick up the teapot and put it in the trash, broken and in pieces. His glue is ever-bonding and a joy that we have experienced.  We will experience that joy again and He will fill us up.  There will be no leaks through the cracks of the pot.  But for now, I have to accept that I am broken.  I will learn to heal.  Each day I am going to challenge myself to find something to be thankful for that God in his mercy has given me.  It might be something very insignificant to the public, but to me, it might just be breathing. 

If you have not heard this song Hurt and the Healer by Mercy Me, here are the words that I could speak myself.  I am praying through all of this that God DOES find His glory here and He is honored in all that we do.  Some ask, how can I pray for you? Or how are you doing?  Well, I think I have answered that question well.

 Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn’t come from the explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all the scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say “It’s over now”

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here

I have received so many sweet contacts over the last two months.  A young college girl contacted me a couple of days ago about her father.  Her father was just admitted to hospice and the young girl knows her father does not have long for this earth.  Oh, I forgot to mention he has pancreatic cancer.  Her main worry is not so much about his well being, but about his faith.  This young girl loves the Lord and knows what it means to have Jesus as her Savior.  Her worry is that her father would not spend eternity with the Lord.  After several exchanges of messages, I told her I would try to stop by the hospice unit on my way home from work yesterday.

I had so many things on my mind on the way home yesterday.  I knew we were not going to be able to go to church because Collin had a project due, he had a doctor’s appointment; I was running late from work, etc.  As I approached the entrance of 385, it dawned on me what I had told this young girl.  I would go by to see her father after work.  I called Jay and told him what I was going to do.  He didn’t sound surprised, just a little leery of why.  I told him that if anything happened to him and I didn’t stop, I would never forgive myself.  I felt like I would have been disobedient to a call from God.  I know people have said – how can she be so open and deal with all of this so soon after Trey’s death.  All I can say is that my strength comes ONLY from the Lord and I am being obedient in everything that I am doing.  I have never felt such an urgent need to advance the kingdom.  That lesson came from the brave actions of my son.

The hospice unit was the same unit we were going to transfer Trey to shortly prior to his death.  Yesterday was 2 months since Trey passed.  I sat in my car and thought to myself, what am I doing, I have got to be crazy.  And then I received a text from my pastor – He is able – therefore so are you!  Okay, okay.  I grabbed my bible and walked in the building.

As I walked in to Mr. Smith’s room (name protected), I was so thankful he was awake and alert because I knew he had been sleeping a lot.  I introduced myself and he knew who I was because he began to cry.  God put many things in the room for us to talk about.  He is a UT fan!  As I began to talk about his faith and his daughter, the lady that was sitting with him excused herself.  We discussed his salvation in depth and he believed in Jesus and that he was going to heaven.  Then he asked me the oddest question.  “Do you think that I am sick?”  I said, “Well, I am only a momma, not a doctor, but just by looking at you I think you might be a little sick.”  Mr. Smith was very jaundice.  He still had some hair.  More than most men I know.  I ended our visit by telling him to trust in the doctors and trust in our Lord.  We held hands and prayed. I prayed for a peace that would calm all his questions.  We both cried a little.

I left the unit and felt an overwhelming peace of doing God’s work.  But yet the question he asked still haunted me – “Do I look sick?”  I thought about that in terms of my own life.  If someone looked at me, would they know by my appearance that I was a Christian?  Would they know by my actions, my words, my tweets, and my dress?  Or do I look sick?  Am I weary, worried, sad, angry, and unhappy?  And then my heart sank.  I thought of Trey.  Yes, there were days he looked sick.  Jay and I were talking last night that we were so blessed that he kept his hair and we did not have to deal with the jaundice.  God blessed us in SO many ways.  He had so many days he was joyful…content in his circumstances.

Satan tempts us every chance he gets to advance sickness in our lives.  It can be in the form of mental turmoil, physical pain, or his greatest attempt is our spiritual development.  The only way to fight the sickness of Satan is to be girded with the word of God.  I have this scripture taped on my computer:

“Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.” Ps. 51:12

My prayer for you is that if you are suffering in sickness, you will be able to identify your illness and combat it with the word of God and remain in contact with Him in prayer.  His word will not come back void.  Never. #dontmissjesus