It’s the beginning of a hard week. It’s the end of the second year. As Jay and I talked to our sweet psychologist Thursday, he told us as he has counseled grieving parents, you can’t put a cap on years, whether it’s one, two, three. He sometimes says four or more, especially in our public situation.

We flew Trey to St. Jude on Saturday, June 30. On Monday, June 30, Collin leaves for church camp. I’m glad he will be surrounded by his Christian friends so his mind will be occupied. As much as he tries to tell everyone he is just fine, I still believe next week will be on his mind. He is human, after all.

Speaking of being human, being human has taken over my complete being. I’ve been able to share with a dear friend whom I trust, and I know there is light at the end of this very, very dark tunnel. I just pray there isn’t a train in this tunnel somewhere. He said something very wise. He asked me, you have been so busy taking care of everyone else, making sure Collin is okay, Julianne, Jay, have you even truly grieved yourself? I had to say no.

God never promised us an easy road. He only promised that He would be with us in the valleys. I know that He is with me during this time, but sometimes, as some of my dear friends might be willing to admit, the nearness is hard to feel when you are all consumed with loneliness and sadness. I am so incredibly blessed to have my boss by my side. He also lost his son. We were talking yesterday about the differences between our grieving. He said how he tells so many people how strong I am and he hears from others how incredible I am, but he looked at me and said, “Lisa, you are not that strong.” Boy, he knows me. You just can’t lose a child and be okay. I truly believe only parents that have lost a child know what I am feeling.

We have received so many prayers over the last two years. I almost feel guilty asking for more prayers. But isn’t that we are supposed to do for each other as Christians? Lift each other up, encourage each other, hold each other accountable… I remember talking in my book about having “hang in there” friends when Trey was sick. That still applies when you are grieving. Some people can’t be around people that are grieving, and that’s fine. It takes a special friend to listen to you cry. I’ve done a lot of crying alone, but sometimes, crying alone does not do any good. People need to hear you so that you can WILL yourself to feel better.

It’s all so complex and I don’t claim to understand all that I am walking through. I finally had to cry out to Collin this week to explain to him that I missed Trey because I grew him in my belly just like I grew him in my belly and I want him back and I miss him terribly. I’m so thankful Collin listened to me as I was able to express my feelings for the first time…and it’s almost been two years. Jay is the most patient father and husband, but he grieves too, just in a different way.

I know what the word of God says. I know that Trey is in a better place. I know that Trey would not want to come back here. I know, I know, I know…but that does not stop our suffering on earth because this is not our home. I’ve never been in a valley like this and I pray you will intercede for me and ask God to lift me high above the mountains.

Jay and I will be with Trey’s friends on the 5th. They miss him as much as I do. But we will laugh and remember the days that brought us so much joy with my goofball son. And maybe release some purple balloons from the roof of the Peabody. After all, Trey was all about having friends together. I think that’s why he went to Jesus so peacefully because he was surrounded by so many that loved him and he had been at peace for so long.

My prayer is that those that have read my book know that our faith runs deep and we know that God is with us. You don’t walk through what we did and not come out the other side without Jesus holding your hand. I hope, if you have not purchased it yet, you will do so to see how God used Trey in an incredible way. We still marvel at how God brought so many things together. I still can’t eat oatmeal without thinking about him. He was “A Mighty Dragon.”

So for now, “When you don’t know what to say, just say Jesus.”

Vacation Bible School is such an important time in the life of a child. It’s a time where they are excited to come to church because they know there will be games, cookies, stories, and they are not ashamed to invite their friends. How many of you asked Jesus into your heart at VBS? I bet many. It’s so fun to watch them as they are captivated by God’s word. And for some of the children, it is for the first time. Can you imagine? For some children, for the FIRST time!

There is a catch to VBS because it is only through the 5th grade. In the 6th grade, at most churches, at least at Germantown Baptist, you begin serving. That’s one of the many times I remember Trey beginning to serve so young. It might have just been wheeling the juice cart from room to room, but it was giving back.

Many parents have worked in VBS for years with their children in their rooms as helpers. Since I work fulltime, I have not been able to work in VBS. That has never stopped me working alongside my sons. Because of the timing of Trey’s illness, I was never able to serve with both of them at the same time on mission trips, but we did a lot of scouts together, and the BBQ Grill Ministry at GBC. My heart dropped on this last trip to Nashville as I watched Collin pull up trees. I realized he had gone from the 5th grader in VBS to a strong young man. And we were serving together.

I don’t know if it is something that Jay and I instilled in our children or a gift that God gave them. Either way, they both have (had) a heart for service. I know Collin is upset that he is missing VBS this week, but mandatory football practice has to come first.

One thing about serving WITH your children, you get to see the blessings first hand. Some kids may think you are trying to be all up in their business. I remember one trip to Panama City where Jay went as the paramedic and I was the counselor. Collin got the luxury of tagging along. It was Trey’s first high school trip. He was so afraid we were going to get into his dance space. I tried to reassure him he would be so busy he would not even see me. I’ll never forget one morning Trey coming up to me at breakfast and giving me a hug and telling me “Good morning! Where have you been?” I thought to myself, told ya so.

So don’t let your children talk you out of serving with them, whether it’s VBS, mission trips, church camps, retreats, etc. You just might be blessed more than they will be. I have memories that can never be replaced or taken away. Pictures in my mind of worship that will forever fill my heart. Memories of Trey in a closet at GBC cleaning it out (I think in 6th grade), because Keith, Ron, or Steve told him to do it. But he did it with a smile on his face! (See pic).

“Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor; not lagging behind in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation, devoted to prayer, contributing to the needs of the saints, practicing hospitality.” Romans 12:9-13

Well, it’s not perfect, but it’s done. My book is finished. You can find it on Amazon and just search Trey Erwin. I’ve had a couple of days to reflect on it since it went public with the proof I’ve had. Before I hit “Publish”, I glanced through the book for any glaring errors, found one, fixed it, and resubmitted it for publishing. I didn’t read the book from cover to cover. I had already done it so many times, and so had my editor.

Then, one evening, I decided I would sit down and try to read the book from a “readers” perspective. The second page had two mistakes! I was in tears! The first two errors were obvious because of the font. Then, there wasn’t a period at the end of a sentence. Then, there was another mistake in a sentence. What was happening! Had I uploaded the wrong file? It threw me into a panic attack…and then embarrassment. I felt like a scolded puppy hiding under the bed. I felt like I let Trey down.

On the way to Collin’s graduation this morning, God spoke to me. He reminded me that the only one that was perfect on this earth was Jesus Christ and I should not be embarrassed. I had been forgiven for my many sins and mistakes. It’s by God’s mercy that He forgives our mistakes. The mistakes I made were in writing a book (for the first time, I might add) about my son for the glory of God. As long as God is glorified, I don’t care if there is a period missing, because God doesn’t. It’s just something the perfectionist in me has to get over. My prayer over the book is that God’s light will shine through Trey’s testimony.

I can tell you it wasn’t easy to write. I had resources laid out on my bed everywhere. His St. Jude medical records, my bible, his tweets that I had bound, Jesus Calling, two computers and this was usually until after midnight most nights when Jay was working. Memories flooded late at night which led to many sleepless nights. Maybe it was those late night tears that caused the mistakes!

One other thing I would like to add. Trey made mistakes. Even though the book highlights only a four-month period of his life, he was at one time a normal teenage boy WITH A MOUTH! Well, he is his mama’s child, isn’t he? In his little brother’s eyes, he has been elevated to sainthood by others and that is hard to follow. Collin knows that Trey was not perfect but he has yet to understand the full impact of life of service to the Lord. I think that comes with maturity. We are praying for maturity and understanding to develop.

So, if you get a chance to buy “A Mighty Dragon”, remember, it was written from my heart, not from experience and its purpose is to tell of Trey’s plight while bringing our Heavenly Father glory.

“A Mighty Dragon #prayfortrey The Story of Trey Erwin”

Dear Class of 2014:

I might get the chance to speak to you as a whole before graduation, but just in case I don’t, I wanted to write you a letter. This way, I will be able to address the graduates from Houston, Germantown, MEHA, Harding, and other schools.

I am so proud of you. I can say that in all honesty without being your parent. I’ve watched you over the last four years struggle with the loss of your friend, Trey, and rebound to be much better classmates and friends. Not to mention, you have been wonderful to our family.

I have watched you handle relationships, exams, sports (wins and losses), and most of it has been over social media. I have prayed for you to have strength during those times and learn to be overcomers. I will never forget being stranded on the side of the expressway and you were tweeting out to me wondering where I was because you were going to come change my tire! (Kyle Dailey!) You have learned to love outside your box.

You have lived inside your Collierville box for a long time. I think Trey’s death stretched your Collierville box and the perfect idea of life. Now you are about to step outside the Collierville box and experience so much of what life can throw at you. It will not be easy. God never promised us an easy life. He only promised that He would walk with us every step. You will be tested in mighty ways. It will be YOUR decision to overcome the temptations and you cannot put the blame or decision-making on anyone else. “Be strong and let your heart take courage, all you who hope in the Lord.” Ps. 31:24

One more little tidbit of advice. Some of you will be going off to colleges that are hours away. Some may be travelling only as far as the U of M campus. Either way, you are gaining a new independence from your parents. With this new independence comes separation. I remember when some of you were complaining about being in school and Trey tweeted something about the fact that you needed to be grateful because he wanted to be in school. Here is my point. When you leave your parents, believe it or not, they will miss you terribly. Most moms will cry and dads will become sentimental. Be kind and stay in touch with your parents. I can’t stay in touch with Trey, do his laundry, or wait for him to come home on the weekends; but your parents will. Be sensitive to them. They have sacrificed much. They will experience only a touch of what Jay and I have felt as you leave. And you know what? You can stay in touch with me too. Nothing has meant more to me this last year than hearing from Trey’s friends while they have been experiencing their freshman year at college. Sometimes, it was just a 30 minute conversation with Cody Jordan. If that warmed MY heart, think of what it will do for your parents! You, my friends, are an extension of the son I raised.

You will take Trey with you wherever you go. More than that, you can’t just leave God at home either. Who are you when no one is watching. God is there. Make much of your life and make grand memories. Invest in others by paying it forward in blessings. But most of all, live like Jesus. Don’t be afraid, you can do it. Be different. Be a leader and don’t follow the crowd. “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer.” Romans 12:12

I love you,
Mama Lisa

The Stand by Hillsong – Trey’s fav.
You stood before creation
Eternity in your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure
And carried the cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon your shoulders
My soul now to stand

So what could I say?
And what could I do?
But offer this heart, Oh God
Completely to you

So I’ll walk upon salvation
Your spirit alive in me
This life to declare your promise
My soul now to stand

So what could I say?
And what could I do?
But offer this heart, Oh God
Completely to you

I’ll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the one who gave it all
I’ll stand
My soul Lord to you surrendered
All I am is yours

ALL YOU ARE…IS HIS! (Watch over them Buddy.)

Have you ever been to the Grand Canyon? My sisters have with the family and they have told me of the awesome sight. It’s just something I cannot imagine. Personally, I have no desire to go there. I can’t comprehend wanting to go look at a big, dry hole that people try to jump over on their motorcycles like idiots. Just thought I’d throw that in there. I’m sure it’s hot there, and there’s not a beach, so why go? Point made. At least for me.

I bet you are thinking, what in the world does the Grand Canyon have to do with anything? Well, in my usual fashion, I caught myself humming today.

How deep the Father’s love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice,
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

That’s when I began to think about the Grand Canyon. On earth, other than the oceans, that is the only vastness I have to measure God’s love for me and that is nowhere NEAR how much He loves me. That love has carried me through a very lonely time the last two weeks and it will be even worse the next three weeks. I put this in my book, but I remember vividly crying on the alter in 2012 on Senior Sunday praying that God would have Trey here to walk across the stage on Senior Sunday. Mama’s can be selfish sometimes.

Even though there might be a smile on our face, our hearts are breaking…all of our family. Bobby, my nephew is graduating from U of M on Saturday. Trey would be so proud. So many of you have been so very gracious not to send graduation invitations to Trey’s own graduation. We thank you! I have cringed every time I have had to look through the mail. I don’t expect you to understand, and I know there are MANY that will say “She needs to just get over it.” I’ll be glad to trade my grief for your daily struggle in a heartbeat. Remember, you do not always know what is going on behind closed doors. I have received many sweet texts regarding sensitivity. I have been blessed by the pouring out of love for our family during this time. That is why I have remained off Facebook, even though my Twitter feed flows over. We are thrilled for everyone’s accomplishments! We truly are! But in some ways, it reminds me of my own failure. The promises I made to Trey. I’m so thankful God catches every tear.

“But I will boast in Jesus Christ…” He gives me strength when I don’t want to get out of bed each day. He tells me I can do it another day. He reminds me that Trey doesn’t like it when I’m upset. (D. J. reminds me of that too.) He reminds me that there is a season for everything. This is just another season and there will be many used to strengthen me. He is sharpening me and will use me. When that day comes, I will be ready. Right now, I grieve.

My boss shared a scripture with me today, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.” Mark 12:30. It made me think maybe I’m not strong enough to love with all my heart, soul, and mind. I feel zapped of everything. So where do you get your strength? The word of God.

Maybe I need to visit the Grand Canyon. There is a lesson to be learned by seeing the wonderment of God’s creation. It might just be the opportunity to stand in awe and realize that when you step outside the city limits of Memphis and Collierville, life is so much bigger than what we are experiencing around us. God can give you a renewed strength.

I leave you with one of my favorite passages (Joe’s-my boss-and Trey’s too): Isaiah 40:31

“…but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

Learning to walk again, and not be weary.

Hey Buddy:

I tried to write a blog, but it just didn’t turn out like I wanted it.  It kinda sounded angry.  You know I’m not angry.  Just miss you.  Gosh, I’m already crying and I know you’re not happy about that.  Just tough.  Mom’s cry, Trey.  I don’t know why you never understood that.  Geez.

Remember two years ago when I prayed at the alter for you to walk on senior Sunday?  We both know that wasn’t what God had planned.  I accept that.  Doesn’t mean I have to like it all the time.  That was a tough day praying on the alter.  I knew then.  I skipped senior Sunday last year.  I’ll probably have to do the same thing this year.

I know you see all your friends planning for prom.  Knowing you, you would try to go dressed up like the guys from Dumb and Dumber.  It’s funny because I put a post on Twitter about prom and right after that, I started receiving texts from your friends telling me that they were thinking about you too.  It helps me to know I’m not alone in my thoughts about you.  I’m sure you’ll be doing your share of dancing in heaven anyway!  We know God gave us music also as a means of worship, and I KNOW how you love to worship.

A lot of your friends are stressing over papers, projects, tests, etc.  I’m glad that you don’t have to worry about that, so I guess that’s a good thing.  But on the other hand, they are wishing their year away.  It will be time they can’t get back.  It’s like the time I can’t get back with you.

Many of your friends are going to the same colleges. I wonder how long it will be before they are home.  That just happens.  If you were here, I’m not sure how far we would have wanted you to go either.  It has been very hard to not say anything because when they leave, the parents will experience just a touch of how your dad and I feel, except your friends will come home to wash clothes or get money.  I know a lot miss home.  Madison misses home.  I miss her.  I miss the girls.  Jules is busy with work and school.  I haven’t seen them in a while.  Saw Cojo Saturday and it made my day.

I know it just blows our mind that Collin is going to graduate 8th grade and I registered him for high school.  That was a tough day.  I’m so glad all I had to do was walk in and walk out.  Do you remember at your 8th grade graduation when Jamie, Chris, Tim and I think Austin drew TREY on their stomachs and stood in the balcony and yelled your name as you walked across the stage? Oh that was a hoot! What a memory. I need to find that picture.  I bet that won’t be done at the CHS graduation.  That will be a tough day, but I will be there.  In my heart, you will be there sitting with your class and I know you are in their hearts.

You’ll be at their graduation parties, at the Baccalaureate, and the senior picnic.  I miss you Buddy, every minute of every day.  It’s hard not to trivialize what everyone else deals with, but I have to remember that everyone has their own share of problems that they see as their own mountain.  I am thankful that God is a God to all of us that understands and meets our needs where we are.

We are going on an Under Authority choir trip this weekend.  I’ll sure miss you then too.  We’ll be singing one of your favorites and I can’t help but smile.  I see you doing the hand motions and Ron just shaking his head.  It’s those memories and those times that I hold on to.  This keeps me going buddy, hope.  Hope in Christ that I will soon see you again.  There will be no schedules, no college, no graduations, and an amazing party that will continue for eternity.  We’ll all celebrate the glory of God and worship together.

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” Romans 12:12  I’m trying…and I am thankful…

I love you, Mama

All My Fountains by Chris Tomlin

This dry and desert land
I tell myself, “Keep walking on”
Hear something up ahead
Water falling like a song
An everlasting stream
Your river carries me home
Let it flow, let if flow

A flood for my soul
A well that never will run dry
I’ve rambled on my own
Never believing I would find
An everlasting stream
Your river carries me home
Let it flow, let it flow

Open the heavens
Come Living Water
All my fountains are in You
You’re strong like a river
Your love is running through
All my fountains are in You

Come on, and rain down on us
Rain down on us, Lord

 

 

Wait! Before you go on Spring Break – Remember who you are taking with you.  Not just your friends, a couple of parents, or someone that is being called your chaperone.  If you are a believer, you take Christ with you wherever you go.  He likes the beach too.  Okay, okay, and the mountains.  I just prefer the beach, so I know He goes with me there. 

C – is for Christ who died for your sins so that you could have everlasting life. Whoa. Everlasting. Like forever.  Romans 6:23 “For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.”  His death covered a multitude of sins!

H – is for our eternal home, heaven.  I, personally, cannot wait.  But heaven is only granted to those who love the Lord and keep his commandments.  Some say, I’ll get to that later.  John 14:2 “In My Father’s house are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you.” He promises a place for ME! Just for ME – and for YOU! But are we only willing to be obedient when it is convenient for us?

R – is for the blessing of redemption.  Isaiah 40-43 is probably one of my favorite passages.  Isaiah 43:1 “But now, thus says the Lord, your Creator, O Jacob, And He who formed you, O Israel, “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine!”  He redeemed ME on the cross and I am HIS.  What a promise for ourselves and our children.  Oh, and did you get that, He FORMED you.  Your DNA is specific! And hey, I met the man who discovered DNA ~ seriously, he’s still alive.

I – is for intelligence.  God gave us a wonderful mind that allows us to be creative, allows us to come before Him at any time, but He also gave us the ability to make our own choices.  Will you make wise decisions?  You might think that it will stay right where you are, in that moment in time.  But a wrong decision can follow you the rest of your life.  Ecclesiastes 10:2 “A wise man’s heart directs him toward the right, but the foolish man’s heart directs him toward the left.”  Listen to your heart; your gut.  Do not hesitate to say – I can’t do this.  I had to make a decision like this recently and it was hard, but I know God will honor my obedience.  And there were others praying for me.

S – is for satan.  We all are susceptible to temptation.  Jesus was tempted.  But how will you handle temptation?  Satan will discourage you, entice you, and destroy whatever joy you may have in Christ.  You can be having the best time and BAM! What just hit me?! I wasn’t even paying attention!  That’s the point.  It’s because he knows how to destroy.  John 10:10 “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.”  Have a great time, but don’t let satan steal the joy of your salvation.  Dance in the sun, sing in the rain, but be mindful of the sincere faith within you. 

T – is for your testimony.  What does your testimony say about you? Others know and they can tell a difference when your testimony changes.  The change might be just slight, but enough that HIS light is not as bright as it has been.  You know what Christ has done for you. It might be that you need to tell someone else what Christ has done for you.  REALLY done for you.

I debated about saying anything about spring break because I didn’t want anyone saying to me that I was just upset because Trey was not able to go on spring break.  That’s not it at all, actually. He’s on PERMANENT spring break! There are loved ones that are already in college that have experienced spring break two times over that I am more concerned about.  My plea is that parents will remind their children to stand up for Christ, in ALL things, knowing He will bless their endeavors.  And it doesn’t have to be during spring break! 

My prayer is that your spring break will be fun, spent with friends that you trust, and doing what you love to do whether it is laying on a beach or fishing from a lake.  I will also be praying for my own family who is traveling to Disney without Jay and me.  Collin with have a blast with his Aunt Donna and Uncle Bill.  I made the remark that it just won’t be the same.  Collin so wisely said, “No, but we’ll make new memories and not forget the old.”

Go out and make memories! Special memories that you would not be ashamed to have Christ tag along.  Oh, and I’d like a Florida shell please.

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to go by Trey’s grave.  I do that more than I speak about it.  More than my family knows.  I know he’s not there.  But there is just something that is a little consoling in the words – final resting place.  Because of the fierce wind and cold, his purple flowers were bent to the side with ice at the bottom of the flower pot.  I scraped the ice out and shoved the flowers straight down in the flower urn where they looked pretty.  I wiped off a little dirt, stood back, and gazed at the “Healthy in Heaven” that is written at the bottom of his marker.

That thought kept swirling in my mind as I walked a couple of plots over to his grandfather’s and uncle’s resting place.  Collin is named after his Uncle Barry.  Collin Barrett Erwin.  Trey was named after his dad and his grandfather.  Jerry Wayne Erwin, III.  Trey was always teased and people called him Jerry Wayne or Jerry.  He didn’t mind.  But as I looked down at Jerry’s marker it suddenly hit me, the date, February 13, 2008.  I’ll never forget that day.  After Jerry passed, I checked Trey out of school early.  As he walked into the office and we walked to the car, he was very quiet.  When we got into the car, he said, “I know why you checked me out, it’s Papaw, isn’t it.”  I said, “Yes, he passed away this morning and I just didn’t want you coming home on the bus to a house full of people not knowing what was going on.”  Trey was only 12.  I explained to him how Papaw was so peaceful.  Trey remained quiet for the next few days, until we were at the grave. It’s something about the grave. It has a finality to it. Both Collin and Trey openly cried uncontrollably.  I remember men from our Sunday School class kneeling at their feet to talk to Trey and Collin as they were grieving.  It was comforting to see others to tending to our babies.

Fast forward six years.  I can’t believe Jerry has been gone six years.  And we still grieve for him, but there is more laughter and we definitely talk about the funny things Papaw did.  In Sunday School I handed out a flash light, a TV remote, and two iphones.  What they all had in common were no batteries.  Without batteries they cannot operate.  We are the same way.  If we are of Christ, yet do not have the Holy Spirit, we cannot function.  The Holy Spirit revives us, consoles us, and comforts us.  The Holy Spirit knows what the intimate will of God is for our lives and he intercedes and the scriptures say that he GROANS in prayer for the believers.  Much like we groan in grief.  I believe the Holy Spirit grieves with me.  Romans 8:26-28 ~

“In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words; and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”

I think a lot of people skip the first part of the verses and go straight to how God causes all things to work together for good who love Him.  We skip the part about the Holy Spirit.  If we do not have the Holy Spirit within us, we are like a remote without batteries, dead in our flesh.  What is our flesh? Sinful.  I am thankful for the Holy Spirit and its prompting.  This week will be a hard week.  I know that my son, my father-in-law, my brother-in-law are NOT in that grave.  They are seated at the feet of Jesus.  Does it make it any easier as my family faces another anniversary and DNOW weekend without Trey? Absolutely not.  But I know that the grave and those markers cannot hold my baby because the Holy Spirit filled him, consoled him, revived him, and comforted him.  But more than that, I’m thankful for Romans 8:18.  For I KNOW that there is MORE on the other side of the grave than what this world can offer.  More than this grief that I carry.

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the anxious longing of the creation waits eagerly for the revealing of the sons of God.”

So son, that is not your resting place.  That is just merely the flesh shell of who you were; a men among men.  My only wish is that some people knew you.  I talked to someone this week that is missing you very much.  We don’t move forward, we move along.  Some are struggling.  Some aren’t talking.  Many hide it.  Some don’t care.  But that’s okay because your mom will never hide her love for her boy or the deep groanings of grief that the Holy Spirit consoles. Holy Spirit, Breathe on Me.