I had a conversation with a friend recently on our mission trip to North Dakota and I explained to them why I cry during certain songs that we sing. When people see me crying, or just a tear rolling down my face, I think they think immediately I am missing Trey. Sometimes that is true. I have always been in the choir, since a child. I have grown up paying attention to the lyrics and their meaning. You can find such a deeper connection to God and worship when you actually know the words you are singing!

One of Trey’s favorite songs was The Stand. We sang it at his celebration. (I still can’t say funeral.) Since I have been so involved in the youth for so many years, I was able to watch Trey grow in his worship experience, much like I am watching Collin now. I’ll never forget Bretta Cochran sending me pictures from middle school camp of Collin worshipping last year unashamed and unabandoned and my heart just soared. For a boy who is so introvert, I knew it was true worship for him.

The words to the song are as follows:

You stood before creation
Eternity in your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure
And carried the cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon your shoulders
My soul now to stand

So what could I say?
And what could I do?
But offer this heart, Oh God
Completely to you

So I’ll walk upon salvation
Your spirit alive in me
This life to declare your promise
My soul now to stand

So what could I say?
And what could I do?
But offer this heart, Oh God
Completely to you

I’ll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the one who gave it all
I’ll stand
My soul Lord to you surrendered
All I am is yours

For me, it’s a song that will never get old. I captured a picture of Trey and Julianne worshipping to this song at camp several years ago.

Now, pay attention to the lyrics and maybe you’ll understand why I cry. God has all power, he created us and knows our every move and choice. He knows our failures, our sins, and our heart. But who came to take all of that away? His son, Jesus Christ. There is absolutely nothing we can do to repay what he did on the cross for our sins. God sent His son to save us. I just take it a little further…He sent his son to save MY son because my son is already in his eternal home. So when I am crying, they are tears of thankfulness, humbleness before my God.

As parents, we are so selfish for our children. We often say that we would die for our children. I know Jay said that when Trey was diagnosed. But you see, Christ already did that. He suffered the pain and anguish on the cross for Trey. That’s why I cry. He did that for my baby, already knowing that Trey would one day suffer four months of tremendous pain and nausea. That’s why I’m “In awe of the one who gave it all.” And that’s another reason why we have always had such a peace. Trey knew that ALL along. His soul was surrendered to the Lord and all he had was His.

One thing that does bother me is that our youth sing and don’t pay attention to the lyrics. I’ve wanted to stand before our youth and tell them this story so many times but have not been given the opportunity. I want them to make a difference in someone else’s life by the way they worship and have surrendered to the Lord. There are two precious young men that were close to Trey since childhood that openly worship God unashamed, Josh Luke and Tim Few. I know that sometimes they are persecuted for things they do or say. But I want them to know that they are leaders and I pray for them all the time. God has a place for them because “God’s spirit is alive in them!” I know Trey is cheering his brothers on!

So if you see me crying, don’t feel sorry for me. The next thing you know I’ll be praising God with “Arms high and heart abandoned, In awe of the one who gave it all!” That’s what I pray for others. I was talking to a friend yesterday, Ryan Mullins. I was in much-needed advice for the direction of our family. I am so blessed to have Ryan and Anne in our lives. When Ryan and Keith Cochran preached at Trey’s celebration, they started a hashtag that I hope will continue – #dontmissjesus. That’s what would be Trey’s greatest desire, that you don’t miss Jesus!

So buddy, here’s to you! #dontmissjesus! Thank you Jesus for dying for my sins and saving me, my family, and our Trey!

Someone asked me if I was sure I wanted to go on the mission’s trip to Fargo, North Dakota. I said you bet I do! This is the only trip during the year that the high school and the middle school are combined for one purpose. It brings them together to bond. This was Trey’s favorite trip of the year since 6th grade. It taught him how to be a better servant.

I find it humorous that what Trey tweeted one year ago yesterday fits every mission trip we’ve gone on – “Things can change in a blink of an eye, but knowing that it is nothing that my God can’t handle, takes away all unnecessary worries!” You see, we always leave with an agenda for the week of where we will working, singing, staying, and sometimes God has other plans.

North Dakota is having very cool weather for this time of the year. And on top of that, there were threats of thunderstorms during the week. That’s like us having threats of tornadoes. With the land as flat as it is, flooding is very damaging.

On Monday, the plan was to sing at two nursing homes and do their chapel services. Both buses ended up at one nursing home. Half the group sang and half the group did the puppet show. We all then came together and sang for their chapel time. The nursing home residents were so blessed by our being with them. We loved watching them sing along with us…they just grinned! We had some women that really liked our young men!

We spent the afternoon in a park for lunch. It was really cold. At least for us. This is when we had the opportunity to play elbow tag. It was fun to watch the new kids (young and old) learn this favorite game. It took me back to one of the last times Trey played and the two people I have pictures of Trey linked arms with, one picture with his buddy Daniel Roberts and one picture with Bryn Norton, Ron’s daughter. He loved Bryn and Conleigh. At first, when the game started, Collin went up into the gym set by himself and did not play. I joined him to check on him knowing that something was bothering him. All I did was sit with him. All it took was mama just being there for a minute and being with her son and then he said, I think I’ll go play. We both knew Trey was missing.

We spent the rest of the afternoon canvassing the neighborhood for the block party for Tuesday evening. The kids had so much fun. You always say if you only reach one person for Christ, that’s one more in the kingdom. There was a little girl with a lemonade stand. It was cold outside and every door my group went to was closed. But one of our groups encountered the little girl with the lemonade stand. Her daddy told her that she would not find anyone that would drink her lemonade but she was determined to put it up. Drew saw her first and talked to her. He told her that he knew of some people that would buy her lemonade. So one of our groups came to her stand and wiped her out while Tim Brown, the pastor we were working with, had the opportunity to speak to the father. God used the little girl and her lemonade stand.

Monday evening we went to the RedHawks ballgame! We were so proud of Tim Few who sang the national anthem! Ron danced for his dinner on the field (and won), and Drew and Caleb Howe dressed in chicken suits and raced across the field! Ballgame, embarrassing your leaders, hotdogs, foul balls, and lots of fun!

Tuesday began with a little confusion. Both busses ended up at Churches United for the Homeless. One bus was going to go the service project and one bus was going to go canvass. This is not what God had planned. The homeless shelter has a clothes closet for the homeless. There were bags and bags and bins that needed to be sorted and hung up or sorted. The kids worked so hard all morning.

At lunch we took the kids the to Space Aliens for some fun arcade and food time. At that time, Tim had been watching a storm system come in. It was decided to cancel the block party for the evening. We went back to Churches United to keep working.

Tuesday night we went to a local church to eat sandwiches and play games. The outpouring of hospitality by the local churches for us to meet at the last minute was so impressive.

Wednesday morning we did the same thing. We went back to Churches United. There were kids restocking the kitchen, fixing a bathroom leak, stocking shelves with baby clothes, and hanging women’s and men’s clothes.

At lunch, our kids cooked for their residents and we surrounded the room and sang. Once the residents had been fed, our food was not ready and we had to keep singing. Some residents were singing along, some were crying. I couldn’t help but cry. It was June 5, exactly 11 months since Trey had died. Many adults knew and few of the kids realized it or recognized it. It was a sweet time to surround the people that we had been working for so hard. The remark was made that what we did would have taken them all summer to get accomplished.

The afternoon was spent with the groups being spent being split between canvassing for another block party and working at the Dorothy Day House which is a place for homeless to low income families to come to purchase food. This group spent the afternoon stocking shelves of donated food.

Wednesday at 6 pm was our block party! We had a baseball and soccer clinic led by Duffy Guyton, crafts led by Karen Stonebrook, puppets led by Ben Lane, inflatables, games, free food, face painting, nails, it was all there! God held off the rain till it was time to leave at 8 pm.

We headed to Temple Baptist like we did every night to debrief. This was my favorite part of the week. Drew led this time of the week and asked the students different questions. The first question was what’s the one thing that someone did that you would like to encourage them publicly about? The kids were raising their hands so fast you couldn’t keep up with them. Some of them might have seemed so small to others but they were so important to that person. This is the time that you sit back and see what bonds your group together after working so hard all day. Kids from the age of 12/13 to 18.

The second question was what will make tomorrow better than today? What we heard most – attitudes. Everyone would get so tired during the day and it was easy to get cranky. We pushed and pushed water!

The last question was what did God speak to you during your time with Him personally? We spent a lot of time on this subject. I’d like to keep this between the group. God has His hand on our group. He kept us safe from injury, from illness, and most of all, the kids realized that no matter what we have planned, everything is in God’s plan, in His time, for His purpose.

That’s why I think it’s so ironic that just one year ago yesterday Trey tweeted about God changing things so quickly and we should not worry about it. Did he know something we didn’t know? I don’t think so. I just think he had a little better insight to how life can change so quickly, just like for so many of the homeless we served.

We never know where God will lead us tomorrow. Part of our devotion time this week was from Isaiah 6:8-10. “Then I heard the voice of The Lord saying, “Whom shall I send, and who will go for Us?” Then I said, “Here am I. Send me!” The rest of that scripture goes on say how God told Isaiah to tell the people, “Listen hard, but you aren’t going to get it; look hard, but you won’t catch on.”

We know some are not going to get it. I remember having this conversation with Trey and how frustrated he would get that people just didn’t get it! As long as we answer the call to go, plant the seed, just as we did this week, God will come behind and fertilize what has been planted.

I am so proud of every student that answered the call for this trip and worked so hard. We saw so many changes in students. Our next goal – extend the mission field to Germantown as we did in North Dakota. Learn to serve our own.

Yes, it’s that time of year, graduation time.  There are graduations from kindergarten all the way to college, and I think I know some of all ages.  For example, the 8th graders at Collierville Middle are moving on to Collierville High; the Class of 2013 moving on to college; Josh O’Mura receiving his Master’s; and D. J. Stephens graduating from U of M.  So many of our close friends we are so proud of this year.  With this milestone in their lives, it brings so much excitement for the future of what they can accomplish.  It’s like a fresh start.

But wait.  So many say the first year is the hardest after you experience a death.  The first holiday, first birthday, anniversaries of this and that.  Not so for our family.  The SECOND year will be the hardest.  If you think we have experienced a hard year this year, when the first bell rings for the Class of 2014, my son’s truck will not be sitting in his parking spot.  I don’t mean to be morbid or “debbie downer”, I just want you to realize that just because people hit one year markers, grieving doesn’t end.  Grieving will never, ever end.  It just takes on a different form.

I went to the CHS graduation last Saturday.  There were so many people I was so proud to see walk across that stage ~ I just can’t name all of you!  I’d be hung!  I thought I would just squawl.  But actually, there was such an element of peace to see the excitement on their face.  I can’t count how many times we heard “We did it!” from the podium.  Of course you did.  Did you have doubts?  What about the scripture that so many graduates claim AFTER graduation?

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Why do students wait until after graduation? This scripture is for everyone.  It is relevent for today.  He knows every step we are going to make before we make it and he WANTS to give us an abundant future.  I can’t wait to see what kind of future He has in store for some of the Class of 2013.  So many are headed toward pre-med, engineering, vet school, and some just don’t know and that’s just fine!

Rest assured, our plans are not to wallow during the 2013-2014 class year.  We fully intend to step up and be involved in as many activities and events as Trey would have been.  It may feel odd at first and people may ask why, but on the day their senior walks across the stage, shakes hands with the administrator, moves their tassel, then tosses their hat, they will realize we are in our seats witnessing the Class of 2014 experience a year of memories without Trey.  And just as the Class of 2013 goes, then will go the Class of 2014.

Class of 2013, you have an entire year ahead of you. Remember the hashtag began around the time Trey was sick – #liveliketrey  We said no! #livelikejesus! Claim this scripture for your year –

Joshua 1:9 “Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for The Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

There will be two ways to handle your challenges. You can go about it as you did in the past and hope for better results, better grades, better friends, but knowing in your heart you will probably be back to where you started the first of the year. OR you can meet the year head on knowing your own limitations with the conviction that you serve a wonderful God who desires to walk with you every step.

You know I am a sap for lyrics to songs.  When I hear this song, I think of Trey and I relate it to myself – that I – his own mother – wants to live like that and give it all I have. I know he did. In the waking hours he did. In the night hours when everyone should be sleeping and he couldn’t, he would be reading his bible and be ready to tell me what he read when I got up. Not everyone is Trey, but just to give all I have is what Jesus asks.

I have never lost my home, but material things or money does not replace the life of a child. I know, in my darkest moments, I would give anything to have Trey with us again. But I would not take him from the gain of his eternal home. That is a gift he was given by our God, a free gift, by Christ’s death on the cross. That is a debt I can never repay for my Trey.  And praise God, I don’t have to do that.

This Sunday we will remember those who have passed away during the year at GBC and Trey will be included. We will also sing 10,000 Reasons. I will cry and remember how I held Trey on that last verse, but my prayer is to move forward and “give it all I have so that everything I do and say points to You.”

Go forward with me Class of 2014 and #livelikejesus

 

Hey bud.  I know, some people are going to think this is nuts because they would say to themselves that I should probably just write this on the computer and just keep it to myself.  But I have so many people who ask me how to pray for us.  So I thought I would write to you.

I can’t fathom you’ve been gone for 10 months.  It seems like 10 minutes.  At least my heart feels that way.  So many people ask how we are doing.  Honestly Trey, a lot of time I just lie.  It’s so much easier to say we are fine than to say that we are not.  How can you explain it if I were to say that we aren’t?  They wouldn’t understand anyway.  Sometimes I get frustrated with that.  I think your dad and I feel alone in that. 

Your friends are really missing you.  You should see the number of people still wearing your bracelets and t-shirts.  I don’t think it’s so much for other people as much as it is for them.  Sort of like me.  It makes your dad and I feel good when we see your friends.  We get hugs and more hugs.

This time last year we were in Hawaii! Remember? Oh my! I know you were in pain so much of the time and there was so much you wanted to do, but I know you just loved looking at the scenery.  I vividly remember when you came and woke me up about 6:30 a.m. for breakfast and we went to eat oatmeal.  Didn’t they have awesome oatmeal!  That’s when we saw the rainbow and you took the picture.  It was a very faint rainbow, but we both saw it at the same time.  I loved your “hungry” times!  It was just the times right after when it hit that wasn’t so fun for you.  I think that is why Collin stayed in the room and watched cartoons so much – because you would be resting.  I don’t think he wanted to go out without you.  UNTIL WE SHOPPED! Ralph Lauren will never be the same!

Mother’s Day is coming up.  Remember how we shopped in the Pandora shop and you and Collin bought me charms?  And you made me leave the store! Y’all were so funny.  I think what I cherish the most is my turtle with the diamond in the middle that you gave me.  I don’t think kids understand that just handwritten notes mean so much to mom’s and dad’s.  The last one you gave me was on a piece of paper that said Happy Mother’s Day! I love you, Trey. And you put the picture of me and you from the UT spring game with it.  I have taped it to the mirror in the bathroom and I see it everyday.  I will be a hard Mother’s Day.

I know you were so worried about Collin.  You were right.  You had reason to be.  But we are doing our best.  Remember when you had a smart mouth on you and YOU knew everything? Yes, you did. Well, Collin is there.  I giggle sometimes and tell your dad, I remember when Trey was that way.  If is was sports, you knew it all.  Girls, you knew everything about them.  But Julianne broke THAT mold!  Speaking of Julianne, she misses you, but she is very quiet about it.  Kind of like Collin.  Things are about to change for the both of them.  Collin will be going into the 8th grade and Julianne is graduating.  Yep, she did it.  I know you would be proud.  So many of your friends are graduating; Cody, Madison, Leighton, Laura, and tons on the football team.

I can’t hear you much anymore.  I’ve lost the ability to keep your voice with me.  I can’t smell you anymore either.  That Trey smell is gone from your room, which we both know is kind of a good thing! I haven’t washed your blankets, so they are on the back of your chair.  Things are pretty much the same.  I’ve got some cleaning to do in the extra bedroom, but I need some WOMAN help.  The only thing we have done is paint your room and you would be SO glad we took that border off!  Actually, you would probably go ballistic if you saw the shape your room is in sometimes.  But I rarely go up there.  Only when I see things hanging over the bannister!! Don’t panic.

I think you’d be proud of the way I am giving back by telling your story.  But there are times I can faintly hear your voice say – OH MY GOSH! As you would want it, God is still getting the glory from the way you lived your life.  I wish people could have been a fly on the wall during so many of our conversations as you sat at the end of our bed and we had those “life” talks.  I wouldn’t trade those for anything.  I hope parents learn to listen to their kids.  You had a lot of valuable things to say, even in the days your heart was breaking.  I still understood.  I know those days were tough, but you grew so much.  That’s what you get for breaking up with Madison Luna in 3rd or 4th grade on Valentine’s Day! What a creep! I think you learned your lesson!

Life is so not the same.  I could say that over and over again.  Anna sang this last Sunday and Trey, it was all I could do to keep it together.  I know how much you loved Taylor and Anna.  I have NEVER heard her worship in song like that.  I know you heard her.  God filled the sanctuary.  We are getting ready for mission trip.  They were singing all the old songs in practice last week and each song I could hear you singing.  And then there were some I knew you and I had talked about how you were tired of but you knew I liked it.  I’m so proud that no matter the song, you always allowed God to work through you.  Remember when you first were on the football team and we had the UA retreat and you had to get permission to miss football practice on Friday and you BEGGED me not to tell anyone it was for choir?  Boy, you sure did come a long way from those days!

Like I tell people when I speak, I might be telling story of how God worked in my child’s life and I’m able to speak without hesitation, but I will always be your mother.  I’ll protect you no matter what, always.  Just like Alley did when you would be in your crib and she would lay under your bed.  She was a good lab.  By the way, the dog you named Abbie, uh, she is spastic!  She is just over a year and drives Belle nuts!

OH guess what! Dr. Sara is going to have a baby boy!!! Ella and Mia want to name the baby – Sister Baby Jesus! You can just see Dr. Sara laughing and saying NO NO NO! That name is taken! – that’s what she says.  She misses you! I made pictures of all your different polo outfits and bought matching baby outfits for her new little bundle.  She just loved it!  That boy is going to be brought into this world wearing polo from his cap to his toes!  Rest assured buddy, she is taking good care of Collin and he is fine.  I know that she could only pray that she would have a boy who would grow in stature, wisdom, and have a charismatic love for the Lord like you did.  I hear so many times, I didn’t know your son, but. . .

I plan on putting some of your funny videos on YouTube soon.  People have GOT to know how funny you are! Bobby and I were laughing so hard a week ago about the napkin!  That was a hoot!  And I sent the one after you got out of one procedure how you thought you pooped on yourself to a few people so they could get laughs when they were sad.

Buddy, I could write all day, but I am rambling and you know Mr. Joe needs me to do things.  Mr. Joe and I talk about you a lot.  I think it has helped him.  Your daddy misses you quietly also.  He’s been going to as many sports games as he can.  And Chris Wallace has been a sweetie to get us to the Grizzlies games.  You’d be proud of your Grizzlies!  D. J. and Stacie talk about you.  D. J. encourages me when I am down, just like he did you.  I’m attaching a picture from the beach before you went to Jesus of Stacia, Julianne, You, Hunter and Leighton.  They miss you.

I love you thisssss much.  I think of you every moment of every day.  And your dad and I still sleep with the pillow you had at St. Jude when you died between us.  You’ll never leave us…just help Jesus by being a good servant to Him and watch your mouth! They own the place, you know.

After Trey died, my friend Keith Cochran (and youth minister at the time) gave me a book Heaven by Randy Alcorn that I have been reading. It was a book that his wife, Bretta, read after her father died. It’s not that either of us have any doubts of where our loved ones are, it’s just that we want to know MORE about where they are. Think of it this way, if one of your family members moved across the country, wouldn’t you want to know about the city to where they were moving? I would think so. I would think you would ask about the schools, the house market, the climate and season changes, the traffic, the population, and many more interesting facts.

For someone who we love so, so dearly, it’s sometimes just not enough to know that they have gone to heaven. John 14 is a great example of Jesus telling his disciples about what would happen to him after the crucifixion. John 14:1-4 and 6 says, “Let not your heart be troubled; believe in God, believe also in Me.  In my Father’s house are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you.  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also.  And you know the way where I am going…I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through me.”  Some translations will use “in my Father’s house are many MANSIONS”.  I can see Trey kicked up in a mansion.  That’s just the point.  I know where he is, but I’m not exactly sure what he is doing.  That is what this book helps us understand.

As much as I want to comprehend what is going on in heaven, I also know the scripture says in Isaiah 55:9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways are indeed higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”  In the book is a quote by Francis Schaeffer, “The Christian is the really free man–he is free to have imagination.  This too is our heritage.  The Christian is the one whose imagination should fly beyond the stars.”  In some ways, this gives me peace as the book goes on to say, “One day soon you will be home–for the first time.  Until then, I encourage you to meditate on the Bible’s truth’s about heaven. May your imagination soar and your heart rejoice.”

Trey is in heaven because as he said in his testimony that was filmed in May one year ago, he accepted Christ as his Savior and was baptized.  He KNEW there was only one way to heaven and that was through salvation.  Did he have rough days from the time he was saved? I can tell you most definitely yes.  But he always came back to Christ.  That is the difference between someone saved and a sinner.  Because we are sinners, we are not entitled to enter God’s presence.  We cannot enter heaven as we are.

The book says, “Heaven is not our default destination.  No one goes there automatically.  Unless our sin problem is resolved, the only place we will go is our true default destination…Hell.”

This is where I believe it IS our choice.  If we are born as sinners, we have the CHOICE to receive Christ and enter into the presence of God where He has prepared a place for us.  Why would we not want to be there?  In Hell, Christ says the unsaved “will be thrown outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.”  I think of Hell like a cancer, it is a pain that will continue to eat you alive with no relief.  What is worth that?

Last year, so many were “changing.”  Trey said, it’s not for me, it’s all for God.  Did you change for God?  I know so many teens that paid lip service.  I know their friends are hurting over this.  Is Hell worth that lip service?  Is it worth tomorrow you being sent to the ER with a diagnosis?  I want to share with you an essay that a friend wrote that touched my heart.

A notification. That was all I received. A blinking icon on the top of my cell
phone that would forever change me. Six little words that would cause so much
devastation. “Trey is now healthy in heaven.” My heart broke. My breathing
ceased. My stomach sank to my feet. Tears began to fall and would not stop until
the day after his funeral. How? Why? These were the questions that would
constantly run through my mind. How could a young man the same age as me die?
Why would God allow such a thing to happen? A rare form of cancer found mostly
in an older generation took the life of my beloved friend. I was mad. I was
hurt. I was inconsolable. How was I to know then how positively this tragedy
would shape me into who I am today.

Taking things for granted can become
a second nature. As natural to do as it is for lungs to collect the air from
around us. Trey did not have this second nature. He lived his life enjoying
every God-given day, for he never knew which would be his last. No one knows
what tomorrow, or even today, holds. Climbing and falling economies, unrest
between nations, health issues, family tragedies, these circumstances can all
change in an instant. It’s easy to fall into the trap of living, governed by the
fear of tomorrow. It causes people to put up walls, hoard their love and time,
or waste these things on momentary living. Without this heartache in the
physical realm, I would never have been able to come to this realization.

“I just pray that His will be done, because I know I’m going to be
okay.” And so it was. Every day for his short 15 years on this earth, Trey lived
to glorify God. He realized that though his cancer may win the battle, God would
win the war. Thus, Trey decided no matter what, he could not be defeated.
Neither can I. I have had a series of ups and down throughout my life, and until
this revolution, I had never had a positive outlook on the outcome of a tragic
situation. Trey taught me how to. He was the light that broke through my
darkness.

Now, sitting outside while the warm summer breeze blows
through my hair, feeling the tingle of the sun reaching down to touch my
sun-kissed skin, I know he is with me. No matter where I go in life, where God
takes me, I will always have this. The absolution of Trey’s life that has now
become mine.

Thank you Amandalyn Abney.  Thank you for remembering Trey, for living a Godly life, and telling a story in such beautiful words.  God desires for all His children to be with Him in heaven.  He did give us the choice of free will.  That’s why satan tries so desperately to tempt us.  There are times he KNOWS he can succeed.  We need to be prayed up, with our armour ready, and rebuke satan at every turn in order to be ready for Jesus to call His own.  I look forward to that day.  I can’t tell you how much I am learning from reading this book and researching the scripture.

I think this scripture sums up what I am trying to say – Hebrews 11:6 “And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that HE IS, and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him.”

As I think about the kids getting out of school and I mentioned in a prayer today on Instagram, it comes down to making wise choices.  If you have made wrong choices, there is still time to right the wrong.  If you have made no choice at all, God has never moved.  He is still waiting for you.

Trey knew before the doctors walked in…and he is….Healthy in Heaven.

I have had several people respond to different blogs and mention “our other son”. I will take this opportunity to address Collin and unless necessary, will not do so again.

Collin is 13 years old and is in middle school. Anything that is said on any form of social media will be taken back to him. If there is anything, ANYTHING I have said in multiple blogs it has been that it is hard to grieve publicly.

These are the facts I can tell you that Collin is aware of. Now I want you to remember, he is preteen, just lost his brother, and suffers from ADD/ADHD combined typed with Depressed Mood Adjustment Disorder since 2nd grade.

Now…he’s a patient of St. Jude himself. Tomorrow we go BACK to St. Jude to see his oncologist to get the results of his blood work and check his tumor markers. That is after he spent two and one-half hours with his psychiatrist and psychologist today at St. Jude. Collin does not have cancer but is only being screened.

Ball all of that up and let your 13-year-old handle it. Or better yet, let your friends talk to you about it. Are they compassionate?

If I had a dime for each time someone said, I can’t imagine what you are going through. Don’t worry about me. Can you imagine what a 13-year-old is going through who will not mention his brother’s name. Bottom line, nope, you can’t imagine.

I told a sweet lady in McAlister’s tonight that I did not ever want to get to this point about Collin. We ask that you respect our privacy when it comes to Collin. We are dealing with school, hospital, church, family, all delicate issues.

God did his work though Trey and right now, His word is spreading through Trey’s strength and faith. God is still working in Collin’s heart and in all facets of his life. I will do what I need to protect Collin. Matter of fact, he has no way to view social media (thank you school grades).

My last request will be that you put Collin at the top of your prayer list for our family. Those that are close to our family immediately come to us and always ask, how is Collin? He needs love. Lots of love and understanding. I can’t wrap my mind around what his little mind is trying to process. He is shouldering so much. All I know is God is Good. He will never leave us. Collin believes in The Lord Jesus Christ as his Savior and we will walk through this time of our lives just like we walked through a year ago with Trey.

As Collin knows… Phil 4:13 COLLIN can do all things through Christ who strengthens him!

I have been pondering this for some time.  Today, I saw a comment made by a friend of ours, Ryan Gwaltney. Trey and Ryan were close friends. Trey was like her little brother. Ryan attends LSU and she had attended the concert of All Sons and Daughters. They sing one of my favorite songs you might know – I Need a Reason to Sing. She said in her post that they had just led them in singing 10,000 Reasons. She went on to say, I’ll never forget you @treyerwin13, little buddy.  We talked back and forth how both songs made us cry and eventually I had to stop talking and just go to the bathroom in tears.

Many times I will tear up at work and need to leave my desk.  It can be because of a quick thought that flies through my head, looking at his picture on my desk, reading an email a client sent asking about Trey, or any number of reasons.  I’m thankful that the people I work around do not ask me all the time what is wrong.  They know. 

Most of my “realization time” is when I am in the car.  There are just thoughts that I just can’t believe that he is gone.  People still wear the shirts, but he is gone.  People have moved on.  Living their life like nothing happened a year ago.  Do you remember Trey?  The one you fought so hard for? I had someone tell me that he spoke to several youth in a heated tone and asked them what had happened to them?  They wear the shirts and this time last year, they were all about praying for Trey and living their life differently and now they are back to living a way that is not pleasing to God.  I said AMEN!  We talked about how people wore the shirts to be on the bandwagon and other wore the shirts out of the actual spirit of the meaning.  We are praying the spirit of God is living in some of their lives.

This is wear the difference comes in.  When I give public speeches, I try to tell them that I still grieve.  I still cry.  You will still see sad posts on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook, and even this blog.  Why?  Easy answer.  I will ALWAYS be Trey’s mother.  That will never, ever change.  In speaking with our psychologist at St. Jude, she supports the theory that our grieving will not get better with time like the saying goes – time heals all wounds.  The wound will always be there.  Now it may take on a different form, but I have talked to many, many mothers that still very much grieve for their child.  A friend was working out putting me with Mary Beth Chapman and I was told that Mary Beth’s grief is still so real, that she does not talk one on one with people about the loss of the daughter of Steven Curtis Chapman and Mary Beth.  Instead, she has written a book and is sending it to me. 

“My soul weeps because of grief; Strengthen me according to Your word.”  Ps. 119:28

Grieving publicly is very difficult.  But when you grieve publicly, you also have the opportunity to share.  God is giving me the opportunity to share through so many different venues.  Just because I am grieving DOES NOT mean God cannot speak a word through me.  If I am being obedient to Him, faithful to His word, then He will use me and continue to use Trey’s story.  It is a matter of me being willing.  God uses all kinds of circumstances for His glory.  Some we may never know about this side of heaven.  On Friday night I will have the opportunity to speak to a church in Independence, Mississippi, and on Monday, I will be speaking during the Harding Academy chapel.  (Please pray for me.) There are other things around the corner.  I get excited when I know that God is going to potentially reach out and touch someone through Trey or just through any kind of encouraging word.

I remember saying one time in a blog that I will never stop talking about Trey.  And I will not.  I will never stop talking about the awesome way God used him.  God changed our lives.  I truly, truly have to stop and think if I had to do it all over again, would I do it differently.  That is a hard question.  I feel I gave up my son for Kingdom’s glory.  But then Jay and I were talking and said, God knew before Trey was conceived what his purpose would be.  We see so many signs through his life that point toward what Trey accomplished in just four short months.

So you have the difference of body and spirit.  I grieve for his body to be here with me.  I’ve said it before – grieving of the senses.  I rejoice that his spirit is with Jesus and experiencing everything that he read about, tweeted, talked about, and the things we shared in the quiet moments of the night.  Those moments, I would not trade for anything.  My mother is still alive and I still remember having those with her at night.  They will always be special to me. 

I am trying to instill into so many that I speak to that this was the will of God.  This is what WE believe, but we are still human, children of God, and He, our mighty Savior, is holding us in His hands daily.  Because I weep, I will not let Satan tell me I am weak.  I am NOT weak, I am a mother.  I am a vessel, emptying myself daily to be used by God, washed by His blood, blood mixed with tears.  Sometimes, it is hard to tell the difference between depression and Satan, but it is NEVER hard to know God.

Yes, there is a difference.  A difference in our family.  A difference in ME. But the biggest difference is I know that I have the right to grieve because I AM – not WAS, I AM and will always BE, Trey’s mother.  God purposed that almost 17 years ago.  And I’m here to tell you why.  Because my son was chosen by God to BE the difference.

Brothers

I blogged about respect in my last blog.  This last Sunday my family and friends walked in memory of Trey in the Herb Kosten Kick it 5k for Pancreatic Cancer.  People did that out of respect for Trey.  That is how you treat people when you love them – you respect their memory by honoring them.  Collin honored his brother by walking in the freezing cold even though he wanted to be in bed.  We all did, for a good Sunday afternoon nap.  But this was important.  It was important for the cause.

Many things were important between Trey and Collin.  The nights that Collin would sleep in Trey’s room during the weeks that he had chemo.  The days that they watched movie after movie.  The endless video games they played.  The days Trey said I want Collin at the hospital and we checked Collin out of school without a thought.  Collin is grieving in his own way and we are handling that.  Someone asked me if I was writing a book when we were at the walk on Sunday.  I said yes.  They said all I had to do was put the caringbridge together.  I said no, there is a lot that I did not post because I knew that Trey was reading the caringbridge and there would always be the chance that Collin would hear it from someone.  I remember writing things and about 15 minutes later Trey would yell, MOM! Why did you have to write THAT! And we would laugh.  Telling people we were dealing with him pooping in his bed in his sleep was not exactly what a 15-year-old wants put out there.  But it’s a part of cancer.

My point is, with Collin, and more importantly, there is so much that goes on in our home that you cannot fathom.  Then and now.  If I show favoritism in my blogs or posts, it is never intentional.  It’s natural to grieve a loss, especially a child.  During this time, you have no idea how many nights Collin has slept with me and we have watched TV WAY into the night.  I have gotten up the next morning exhausted, but I knew that we needed to be next to each other.  (Right now, we are watching the Three Stooges!)

There were so many brother in the Bible that were SO different; Cain and Abel,  Jacob and Esau, Joseph and his many brothers, then there was Jesus who treated his disciples like brothers.  This is referenced in Matthew and in Mark when Jesus says in Matt 12:50:  “Anyone who does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother!”  I think Jesus covers us all with that scripture.

We are all brothers and sisters.  I would hate to think we are all the same.  I have three sisters and we are all three different as night and day, but we cannot live a day without each other.  In summary, Collin is Collin and Trey was Trey.  Collin is very special in his own right and we know Trey was also.  We made the choice to protect Collin through this whole process.  Maybe that was our mistake.  But that is just it, it is OUR mistake to handle.  God has a great plan for Collin, just as he did for Trey.  He is opening doors that we did not know were possible.  We covet your prayers for Collin, for his remaining time in 7th grade as he struggles, for his summer, and for his upcoming visits to St. Jude.

Easter

It’s like they say, Sunday’s a comin!  But before Sunday, there is Friday.  The day that Jesus was nailed to the cross.  It is so natural for me to look at Jesus as a son.  He IS the son of GOD.  For me, it hurts my heart for God.  He created us in His own image.  He knows what we feel, how we feel, and gave us the ability to feel, love, and hurt.  But he gave us the ability to rejoice! For on the third day Christ rose, just as He said He would.

Last Easter, Trey was finishing a chemo treatment.  He was trying so hard to feel good for Easter.  He wanted to come to church and that was his goal.  When he put his mind to things, there was usually no stopping him.  Trey made it to church Easter morning for the first time since he started chemo.  He got tired very fast.  This Easter my family has chosen to do something different.  We will not be attending the Friday night service.  I was first going to sing in the choir, then I was just going to sit in the congregation, then I decided it would just be too emotional.  Sunday morning, since I do not have to teach, I’m not sure what Jay and I will do.  I think we might visit another church.  We just might rest.  Ahh, rest.  In any event, we are very faithful and God knows our heart.

My prayer is that you will know the meaning of Easter…salvation…death on the cross for our sins…for me and for you…something we didn’t deserve yet received…God’s grace…Jesus as our Savior.  Without that, there is no peace as Trey tweeted one year ago:

Eccl. 3:11 “Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.”