If you ask your child what the word RESPECT means, can they tell you?  Ask your 12-18 year old.  Collin didn’t have a clue.  But yet that is the buzz word now.  They don’t “respect” me.   Believe it or not, the best definition I found was in the Urban Dictionary:

It means valuing each others points of views. It means being open to being wrong. It means accepting people as they are. It means not dumping on someone because you’re having a bad day. It means being polite and kind always, because being kind to people is not negotiable. It means not dissing people because they’re different to you. It means not gossiping about people or spreading lies.

Well, that sounds kind of biblical to me.  I think we overlook respecting each other as adults in order to teach our children.  This starts about the preteen age and goes down hill!  At least it has for our boys.  I even remember dealing with it myself.  I wasn’t a very respectful child.  It turned into anger issues which has taken me 40 years to handle properly.  I know, you can’t imagine. Me? Anger issues?  Hush Donna.  I even did it to Collin on Sunday just because I didn’t like what he had on for church.  The hardest thing for me was to go to him and apologize.  I did it.  His response was, “I don’t care anymore.”  It hurt me deeply, but others assure me that he heard me.

We ran into a situation this week with Collin who is now hitting “that” stage.  I wasn’t looking forward to “that” stage; the teen years.  About two weeks ago he asked, “When am I going to be able to make my own decisions about my life?”  I’m glad I was around the corner when he asked that question and I fell out on the floor laughing.  The second time around, this is SO much easier.  Anyway, Collin had a respect issue with an adult at church this week.  I did reprimand him at church and he did get upset because he naturally defended himself.  I also made sure I got the story from the adult.

The car ride home was very quiet, but I was humming and singing to the radio to let him know that I wasn’t letting this get under my skin.  When we got home, Collin went in the house upset and Jay asked what was wrong.  I told him about the respect conversation.  “She doesn’t respect me, so I don’t care.”  To me, that relates ~ I’ll do what I want.  As Collin was going upstairs I asked him if he knew what respect meant.  He didn’t answer.  He told me everyone says that and everyone feels the same way.  I told him do not jump on a bandwagon if you don’t know where it’s going!  Be a leader not a follower.  He said he was trying.  What I didn’t tell him and Jay and I discussed is that the adults must deserve the respect.  But we did tell Collin that no matter what the adult is doing, they deserve respect. 

I hate to compare my sons.  That is a sensative matter with Collin right now, but there are just traits in their characters that are naturally different.  Trey was a leader.  He didn’t mind standing alone.  He did it often and sometimes he was lonely.  Collin is a follower and has never met a stranger.  When we were having this conversation, I tried to explain to Collin a little bit about respect and obedience because what he did was disrespectful in talking back to an adult.  I told him all the times that crowds called out bad names at Jesus and threw things at him, what do you think he did?  Collin said, nothing.  I said exactly.  And that is what we are supposed to do.  If someone says something we don’t like and as much as we want to correct them or get angry, we need to keep our mouth shut.  Collin’s reaction was–BUT, But, but. . . I said Collin, we are not responsible for THEIR actions, only our own.  We can’t control them.  Maybe if they see our actions, they will think about their own.  And I thought of Trey.  His simple actions impacted so many.  His tweets of scripture.  I think I told you where it started.  It started at home.  After the family of families weekend when he wrote on the brick Eph. 6:1 ~

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.”

That is what he vowed to work on.  That brick is on our mantle for all to see and for all of us to work on.  We are also children of the Lord, who we need to obey.

Collin still struggled with the fact that people talk out of both sides of their mouth.  I told him, honey, you will see girls (I had to use girls!) huddled in a group talking about someone and then the next minute they will be that person’s best friend.  I said, don’t ask me to explain it, it is just they way it is at this age.  He doesn’t understand it and it makes him angry.  In some ways, I’m GLAD it makes him angry because he knows it’s wrong.  But he is also seeing it in adults.  He sees the youth talking about the adults and then stabbing them in the back.  I told him, don’t be a part of that.  It will go on your entire teen years.  The best thing about the whole incident ~ (and you have to know Collin) he looked me in the eyes and he listened without voices being raised. 

Then we watched Duck Dynasty as a family.  Respect.  A teaching moment I will cherish.  A moment I remember having with Trey, and he learned it.  God’s word DOES NOT come back void.  For it says in Proverbs 22:6 ~

“Train up a child in the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.”

Trey may not have lived to be old in years, but he was wise in mind.  All because of obedience.  I will keep teaching Collin and keep praying that he will learn the same lessons.  Not that he will be like Trey, but that he will be the man that God wants him to be.

Eph. 6:12 ~

“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”

Pray for us tomorrow, it is Jay’s birthday ~ without Trey.  At least Jay will be at work and hopefully busy.

http://youtu.be/2jFPNbtflG0

The Lion King, Trey’s favorite movie.  Hakuna Matata is exactly what he tweeted one year ago today.  This is the day we waited for hours until 1 p.m.  At 1 p.m. we had a conference scheduled with the doctors to get the results of the biopsy, MRI, etc.  That morning seemed to drag on forever.  Keith Cochran and Ron Norton broke nervous waiting.  Oh, those two.  They saw us through many days.  And that day, they stayed with Trey all day, even while we were meeting with the doctors.

March 6 was the day Jay and I learned to pronounce stage 4 pancreatic adenocarcinoma.  Kind of rolls off the tongue.  What didn’t roll was “terminal” or “no cure” or we will make sure he has the best “quality of life”.  And of course the worst – “11 months”.  After all those words and my chest sinking in, there was the realization that someone had to tell Trey.  Precious Dr. Sara Federico looked at us and said, “Do you want me to do it?”  I can honestly say that was the ONE time I got angry and thought, well you can’t fix this so you tell him.  I didn’t say that though.  That was shock.

I remember walking in the room and Trey immediately looked at me and said, “Mom, you’ve been crying.  What’s wrong?”  I just crawled up in bed behind him so he would not see me cry as Dr. Sara knelt down on the other side of his bed.  Everyone was still in the room, nurses, doctors, Jay, Keith, Ron, Cecelia.  Dr. Sara explained to him what was going on and she asked him if he had any questions and he said no.  She said are you sure?  He then said, “I’ll either be healthy here or I’ll be healthy in heaven.”

Thus the tweet Hakuna Matata.  Yes, what a wonderful phrase.  Our Almighty God gave my son the peace that surpasses all understanding.  Something that I’m not sure I’ll fully comprehend how he had it this side of heaven at his age. 

So many people talk about him, but they didn’t know him.  I actually feel so jealous for you.  What you see on the testimony video – that is who Trey was.  What you DON’T see is his sense of humor and boy he had it.  Everything from swinging on his IV pole to pulling the C card when he would go places to get a rise out of someone.

Short story – We were in Florida in the Nike outlet.  The cashier said boy, you need to put some weight on! You too skinny!  Those close bout to fall off you. (She went on and on and Trey just let her talk.)  Finally, Trey, with a straight face just looked at her and said, I have cancer.  That clerk could have crawled under the cashier’s desk.  We all walked out and then burst into laughter.  He did that too many times to count.  I know, sounds mean, but that’s how he dealt with it because to him, it was no big deal.

Not only was it not a big deal, but most importantly, he was ready.  He was ready to see Jesus.  He had everything in order.  There were no doubts, no fears, and no regrets.  Friends and I were talking on Sunday about the horrific event of the man that died recently when his home was sucked into a sink hole.  I’ll admit, I laughed at first at the thought.  Then, I got a chill and realized that it was an event that God knew would happen, we should be watching and paying attention.  I told my friends immediately that these are the kinds of things that we need to pay attention to during these days because we need to be ready.  Just like Trey was ready.  And the song came to mind, as songs for me always do…People get ready, Jesus is coming to take from the world his own – You’ll be goin’ home.

Are you ready?  Can you get away with the way you are living and say you are ready?  #livelikejesus  “But of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, nor the Son, but the Father alone.”  Matt. 24:36

Now, everytime The Lion King is on tv, Collin will yell, Mom, it’s on tv! And we will watch it.  We remember when out of the blue, with his friends watching the movie he started singing the beginning of the movie (of course he was medicated).  You know, the part that is in a different language!

Hakuna Matata.  My boy is home.

Our year of “firsts” have begun.  DNOW (Disciple Now) was something that I was looking forward to but I knew it would be bittersweet.  I remember receiving a text from Trey on Saturday last year that said, “You know you are a UT fan when you pee orange!”  Of course he sent a picture of his pee in the toilet.  We kind of laughed, but he did respond that he didn’t feel good. We asked the normal questions if he had been drinking enough water, etc.  Of course, we all know that was the ER day.

Our theme for DNOW this year was Embrace.  Hummm…. I like that.  Embrace.  That is exactly what we have felt for a year now; embraced by our community, our church, and our even bigger God.  Our kids learned about that this weekend also.

I had many people ask me what I was going to do during DNOW.  Were Jay and I going to have kids at our house, was I just going to hang out, or was I going to be a leader?  I currently serve on the Student Ministry Committee for the church and my role for DNOW through the committee, I think by default, was DNOW Administrator.  That was perfect.  I could be seen as much as I wanted to be seen.  Most of the work was done before DNOW even cranked up!  That was good for me.  I can do paperwork!

It did allow me to do what I love and that is worship.  I’ve heard it said that one of the times you will feel closest to God is when you are worshipping through music and bringing Him glory.  Trey loved praising God and I loved watching him.  All weekend consisted of praise music that allowed all of our students to worship with abandonment.  But then it comes to some certain songs.  Songs I know were Trey’s favorites.  Even his friends knew they were his favorites.  Not only did we sing it during the weekend, but one of Trey’s best friends, Cody Jordan, sang it Sunday morning in church.  During the part of the song that we sing – this is my favorite:

Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If His grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

Oh, how He loves us oh,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all
How He loves

During that verse and chorus, my heart does sink into my chest because I am heaving in tears as I WAIL to God – OH HOW HE LOVES US! Because Trey got it.  And at that moment, through God, I’m with my son again.  He knew that he didn’t have time for regrets, only time to make sure that his life glorified God.  I told a friend last night that I so want to be at the feet of Jesus!  Just to tell Him how much I love him.  But he told me in scripture today – literally showed me in scripture – 2 Cor. 4:16-18

¹⁶ That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. ¹⁷ For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! ¹⁸ So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

As much as I am ready to go to Jesus, we ALL are in the process of dying, from the moment of birth.  But through God’s grace He renews our spirit daily and we cannot give up on our purpose here on earth until he calls us home.  And that is spreading the good news of Jesus Christ.  I got a little sentimental today and googled Trey’s name.  I do that occasionally.  I clicked on the this NFL link talking about Tim Tebow and Trey – http://www.nfl.com/news/story/09000d5d82a5c927/article/tim-tebow-remembers-trey-erwins-battle-vs-cancer  There were SO many comments on this very small article about Tim calling Trey so I just HAD to post and this is what I said.  I tried to be nice!

The day of love.  Do you know the real background of St. Valentine? Books say he was a Roman Priest around 269 A.D.  Because of the war, the Emperor encouraged the soldiers not to marry because they would fight better.  The idea of encouraging them to marry within the Christian church was what Valentine was about. And he secretly married them because of the law.

Valentine was eventually caught, imprisoned and tortured for performing marriage ceremonies against Emperor. One of the men who was to judge him in line with the Roman law at the time was a man called Asterius, whose daughter was blind. He was supposed to have prayed with and healed the young girl.  This effected Asterius so much that he became Christian as a result.

Valentine was sentenced to a three part execution of a beating, stoning, and finally decapitation all because of his stand for Christian marriage. The story goes that the last words he wrote were in a note to Asterius’ daughter. He inspired today’s romantic saying by signing it, “from your Valentine.”

Did Valentine lay down his life on the line for what he believed?  He knew the law. And with the power of the Holy Spirit, are we convicted enough to do that – even to the point of death?  We share God’s love for others so freely and don’t even think about it.  I think about how Trey’s testimony has gone all over the world and there are some places that people are persecuted for this. 

I remember receiving a letter from the band that played for Trey’s funeral that when they went on a mission trip, the missionary in that country had already heard about Trey.  I do know that love is what surrounded Trey.  I made a remark to a friend.  When people are not getting along, it is so easy to blame one another because of their different personalities, their upbringing, their circumstances, etc.  And they are Christians.  I truly believe that if you are not right with God ↑ then how can you be right with your brother? ←→  When you are and everything falls into line, Christ will be the center of your relationship.  †

The first verse we memorize as children is John 3:16 – “God love the world SO much, that he gave his ONLY son (could you do that?), that whosoever believes in me will NOT die but have eternal life.”  I changed up a couple of words to make it a little more user friendly.  God loves us THAT much and we can’t even get along with each other sometimes in our own churches.  Wow.  What are we reflecting?  Do we reflect love for Christ?  It’s hard in this world!  It’s hard to admit you are wrong and then love.  But like scripture says, remember who loved first.  I’m trying every day to be like Christ and I find myself thinking about Trey.  No matter how people treated him, whether they were there or not, he still loved them.  He knew them, accepted their faults, and loved them.  Make it a goal – love as Christ first loved you.  As my heart aches, I’m still trying to love those who do not quite understand the love of Christ and the gift of my son.

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” John 13:34-35

 I’m praying that God will wrap his arms around me and let me fill His love like never before while I crawl up in a ball and cry today as I miss my son.  Just being honest.  I look at pictures and in those pictures he is so alive.  I am so thankful that I have my husband, Jay, and my boss, Joe, who both understand the hurt and the tears.  It’s an empty feeling that only God can fill.  So I think I’ll go shopping!  Thank you all for your prayers as we walk through these next couple of weeks.  They will be very hard on our family.  HUG YOUR CHILDREN, FRIENDS, AND FAMILY!  AND IT’S OKAY TO TALK ABOUT TREY!

It is amazing after six months that we are still receiving encouraging letters, notes, cards, emails, etc.  Please, if you think of us, continue to pray and send us notes.  They do brighten our day and remind us that Trey is not forgotten.  For me, he is every thought.  But like a friend told me, he doesn’t think about Trey everyday, and that’s normal.

I know this is going to sound very strange.  Our youth minister of six years, Keith Cochran, is moving to Tupelo to be a pastor of a church.  The church is getting a wonderful family and exceptional preacher and teacher, not only in Keith but in Bretta too.  The Cochran family has been a big part of the Erwin family for the last couple of years.  I told Keith a couple of weeks ago that I felt like I was losing Trey all over again because that was how deep the loss of the Cochran family goes for me.  Here is an example:

There was Wednesday night, about 8 p.m., that we received a call from Dr. Tauer who was Trey’s oncologist at West Clinic.  We received news that we would need to make a decision that evening whether Trey would go into surgery on Friday if a stent procedure did not work.  There was a good possibility that Trey would not survive the surgery or if he did, the recovery would be long and difficult.  All of his friends, especially his brother, was on a mission trip to New Orleans.  I immediately called Keith because Trey’s first request was I want my brother home.  Keith and Bretta were at our house in a heartbeat.  Trey listed the people he wanted home and we proceeded to call the parents to make arrangements to fly the four friends and Collin home.  Keith had a bad migraine (another thing we have in common) and we made the decision to drive to pick up the kids.  Keith said he would go to get them.  I said NO WAY!  Bretta and a friend left late that night and drove to New Orleans to pick up Trey’s friends and brother to come be with him through the next couple of days.  You see, I just don’t know of many ministers that would do that.  (Well, Ryan Mullins would.)  Friends and their wives do that.  Line drawn. 

Many of you might have gone through this with your hormonal teen.  Trey started to set his boundaries of his manhood.  I completely did NOT understand!  This was my baby (with armpit hair) telling me that he was not afraid of me and his dad.  I told him okay, there wasn’t anything we did to make it that way.  He would just state that out of the blue.  I remember one night just running out of the house around the corner to Keith and B’s house.  Yes, they live around the corner.  I was at a loss.  And Keith proceeded to tell me this was normal.  WHAT?  Once I stopped reacting to Trey’s tail feathers hitting me in the face, he stopped acting that way.  Wow.  And we have another one to go through.  I pray for Keith and Bretta.  They have a house full of GIRLS!  We tease them because his  two dogs are even girls!

The best example is how they live.  They do live like Jesus and Keith and Bretta are examples of what people need to strive to be.  I know they will read this and say GOSH! But I know the example they set for Trey, Collin, and both Jay and me.  More than that, for Germantown Baptist Church and our community.  What a blessing.

So, just as our transition is not easy, neither will theirs be, even though we pray for it to be.  They are very excited about this new journey and honestly, we are happy for them.  Some new paths that God guides us down are not always easy and they can be very scary.  Our paths are similar, somewhat.  Both of our families walk each day in faith that God will provide for us what we need for the next day.  For Keith and Bretta, that will be for their house to sell in Collierville, or adjusting to their new home, or simply to provide a word from God to preach his next sermon.  For us, it is to just breathe one more day, take one more step.

Our transition is still a grieving one.  I received an email from a friend that shared with me some tips on how they handled the loss of their child.  They are SPOT ON!  I thought I’d share them with you.  I’ve heard it a thousand times that people just do not know what to say to us.  Here’s a hint.

THE ONLY THING’S TO SAY:

            “I’m so sorry for your loss.”

            “There are no words.”

Truly – even just after 6 months, those are the only 2 consistent things helpful to hear.

Don’t say — it’s going to get better. (It will eventually, but that is not helpful to hear right now UNLESS          perhaps YOU HAVE ACTUALLY LIVED IT. . . sometimes not even then.)

Never say — after you survive the year of firsts . . . everything will seem better! Stupid, stupid, stupid. . . I used to think it and might help in another loss, but not your child.

Don’t compare this to any other death or experience you have lived through. NEVER a parent or sibling – especially as an adult.

Don’t ask or don’t keep asking — What can I do for you?  If we knew what would help or what we needed, we’d ask!  Prayer is the best!

Don’t say: “How are you?” – Say – “It’s good to see you.”  Or if you really want to know, you’ll probably get tears and much more than you want to hear.

Abide:  Have someone “be” with them/us.  Especially to just “listen” to them/us.  DON’T try to have answers!  There are none right now.

This may not sound compassionate.  And close friends of course, will sometimes grieve with us.  But it is not the same as losing your child. (I’m just telling it like it is.)

In the beginning, take care of simple needs – if they are comfortable with that.  They need it, but might always have been the giver.  I appreciated it so much.  Probably didn’t even notice what all was done for us.

Have some one go with them anytime they are leaving home. . . for appointments, grocery, errands. . . The grocery was brutal.  I would never have thought it!!  The choices you make in the grocery for this child, for each member of the family.  I can walk an aisle and still gravitate toward his favorite foods without thinking.

NEVER has intercessory prayer been more needed or more valuable!!  There are many times where at most I just groan and say, “Lord, Lord. . . help me/us please!”

Do NOT worry about notes and thank you’s!  That time will come later.  I WILL get it done! 

Books sometimes help people.  After a few, it hasn’t helped very much.  It is nice to have your thoughts/emotions affirmed in words.  It hasn’t really helped me to read about someone else’s devastating experience. . . at least not now.

I think some of these hints fit the Cochran family.  Pray for them, Pray for them, Pray for them!  Remember, they will be overwhelmed for a little while.

 Last night, the band played David Crowder.  He is Keith’s favorite.  They played “Oh How He Loves Us.”  That just happened to be one of Trey’s favorite songs.  Of course, I lost it.  I’m so thankful for my friend Becky Roberts who saw me from across the room as I was standing in a row by myself.  She just knew I was missing Trey.  And that’s what she said, “You are missing Trey, aren’t you?”  I said, “Yes, that was one of his favorite songs.”  I would like to end with the lyrics to that song.  A song that is so powerful.  Another thing Trey and Keith had in common, a bond; a bond between all our youth, all Christians.  He loves us.

Oh How He Loves Us

He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves

We are His portion and He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way

And oh, how He loves us
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us so
how he loves

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how he loves
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

My heart is heavy today for a family that I am not very close to, except that I know their son.  The Bennett family are members at Germantown Baptist (but I believe they attend Crossroads) and Blake, their son, has been in our home for DNOW.  Dave Bennett passed away from ALS or commonly known as Lou Gehrig’s disease, on Monday.  Blake is 17.  Dave’s funeral is tomorrow at GBC.

There is a common link between our families.  My father died of ALS and I was also 17.  Blake thinks the world of his dad, as it should be.  I wasn’t as close to my father as most young girls should be at that age.  I was busy trying to grow up, be a cheerleader, keep my schedule at church, and social calendar all in check.  My sisters were both out of the house by the time dad got to the point he needed assistance.  You can imagine bathing, eating, walking, moving from one chair to the other, and many other things.  I do have to say that my last memories of my father were always seeing his Living Bible on the kitchen table with the devotion book Streams in the Desert.  That wasn’t the life my dad always lived, but at least it’s what he lived the last two years.

I am not sure how long Dave was sick, but I know it was not as long as my dad.  My dad had ALS for six years.  It was very uncommon to have ALS for that period of time.  I know what got me through those days as a teenager was spending my time with my friends.  It was a distraction from reality.

I am finding that I still wish I had a distraction from reality.  It seems like yesterday, but on Saturday we celebrated 6 months since Trey’s passing.  I know Blake will feel that too.  All I can hold on to is that I know God is our sustainer and our redeemer.  I pray He redeems me from these feelings of sorrow that will not go away.  I have feelings that others expect to be gone, but for me, they are still fresh on my mind, and YES, on my shoulders.  Who knows when God will ease the pain.  I did get some joy knowing that the “Communities Rally Around Trey Erwin” was voted #1 story for 2012 for Channel 5/WMC.  That just shows how God spoke through Trey so much.

I pray the sorrow and pain is lifted from the Bennett family and that God grants them peace that only He can give.  We only had four months with Trey when we found out about his cancer.  Only four precious months.  We are not promised tomorrow.  It says in Mark 13:31-33 “Heaven and earth will pass away, but My words will not pass away. ³² But of that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but the Father alone. ³³Take heed, keep on the alert; for you do not know when the appointed time will come.”

I am also reminded in Colossians 3:23-24 it tells us that “Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance.  It is the Lord Christ whom you serve.”  THAT is what we need to remember.  THAT is what Trey did.  THAT is what I need to be doing, even though my days are long and tiring.  Jay’s seem much longer.  We can’t care what men will think, we must serve the Lord so on that day He will be able to say to us, WELL DONE.  I know He told my boy Well Done, as well as Dave Bennett.  It’s hard to imagine that the suffering on this earth is merely for a short time, but our time with God will be for eternity.

Dave’s favorite quote – “Life is precious – Nothing is forever”

I’m ready for eternity! Are you?

The first Christmas.  The two hardest days of my life since his death.  I almost can’t type or say his name.  Actually, we haven’t done that in the last two days very much.  I think I’ve cried more in these last two days than I have in the last five months.  My boss, Joe Duncan, warned me that it would be the hardest of days and he was right.  Trey absolutely loved Christmastime and everything that embodied its meaning.

We usually make candy a week before Christmas.  We would make peanut butter balls, coconut balls, fudge, all kinds of candy in preparation for the holidays.  On Sunday, we went to my sister’s and it was Collin’s turn to learn to make fudge.  He did such a good job and I got the annual picture from behind at the stove.  Trey’s was posted on Facebook this year as a memory.  I sat in the kitchen and cried as I watched Collin step into Trey’s position of making the candy.  There were no peanut butter balls made and no other candy.  But the fudge Bobby and Collin made was delish!

Christmas eve is the time that most people go to Christmas eve services.  It has been our tradition for years that is when all our family gets together (nieces, nephews) to eat finger food, fellowship, exchange presents from the Grandmother, etc.  I began Christmas eve receiving text after text of love and support from friends who were thinking about our family.  Many brought tears to my eyes as I was so touched at their remembrance of our family.  Trey loved the party atmosphere on Christmas eve.  We always read the story of Christ’s birth from Luke.  We started years ago letting the youngest child that could read be able to read the story.  Last year, we changed and let my 82-year-old mother read the story.  If it was read this year, I wasn’t in the room.  I stayed at the kitchen table looking at the vacation guide for our trip for next year.  There was laughter though as Julianne came in and screamed – you mean there’s no peanut butter balls!?  We decided to watch Elf when we realized so many had not seen it.  We couldn’t believe it.  And laughter began as those of us who had memorized the movie spoke every line. SANTA!  I KNOW HIM! I KNOW HIM!  Oh Trey was there.

Jay and I came home to put out presents for Collin for Christmas.  Jay had gone that day to get the stocking stuffer candy.  I had held it together so well all day until I was putting the candy in his stocking and I realized Jay bought a bag of York Peppermint Patties and I lost it.  Jay could not even understand what I was saying.  That was Trey’s favorite candy I bought him every year.  He didn’t know.  Honestly, I think it was just time for me to fall apart since I had held it together and had just been teary.

I am so glad that we decided to not do the early breakfast like we traditionally do.  It proved exactly what I thought.  Trey was the one that could never sleep the night of Christmas eve.  He would be the one up at 6 a.m. on the stairs and waking Collin up.  I slept on the couch last night because my head had been hurting and by 9 a.m., Collin still had not stirred.  I finally fed the dogs and began making noise to get him out of bed.  It was a nice morning just me, Jay, and Collin.  My phone was blowing up with texts and I would hear Jay’s ding at the same time.  We would just look at each other and know.  Don’t get me wrong.  We could not have made it through the day without the love and support.

I don’t think some people realize how many people really have been affected by Trey’s passing.  Some don’t know just how much he was loved.  You didn’t have to know Trey to love him.  I guess in the grieving stage, this might be where my anger, or maybe frustration is a better word might come in and CERTAINLY not at my Lord. I am sitting here watching Christmas vacation where he is stuck in the attack and he is watching the old reel to reel movies and I’m just bawling.  There are so many people who I would like to ask, by choice, put your son in front of a bus and step away.  THEN be expected to accept it in love and grace without anger.  That’s why the other day I said on twitter, I think some people just don’t understand.  I pray you never feel the depth of pain and loss we feel.  There are friends that feel the same depth of this grief that our family feels or they would not step out and do so many random acts of kindness to ease our grief and their own.  Like put Christmas lights on our house as a surprise, stop by with food on Christmas eve out of the blue (we sure didn’t have any – I was eating candy), take Collin Christmas shopping for his mom and dad, and so many other things.  These are the people who think of others.  I mentioned the texts.  Today, I got a special text from Cade Peeper.  Cade is the son of Cade and Tara Peeper and Corbin and Quinn’s older brother.  Corbin was one of Trey’s pallbearers.  Cade plays basketball for Ole Miss and is in Hawaii in a basketball tournament.  He sent me a text just to tell me he was thinking about me and that he loves us.  In the paradise that Trey loved, he stopped to think of us and text me.  I fell apart.  His grandfather, Jim Siegfried baptized Trey and was with us all during our West Clinic visits.

This leads me back to the parents.  What I pray for the parents is that they learn to be better parents to their children.  Love your children.  Know that some things just don’t matter.  It just doesn’t matter if the bed isn’t made.  What matters is that you know what your child is doing when you are not around.  Be willing to accept that not all children are perfect.  Trey certainly was not.  Do you know their character?  What does their character say about them?  Are they really who they portray to be – like Jesus – the Christ-child?

On June 29, 2012, a little more than a week before he died, this was Trey’s devotion that I found.  He wrote:

We must:

• Pray in line with God’s will – 1 John 5:14-15
• With the right motives – James 4:3
• With persistence Luke 11:8-10
• With a spirit of humility – Luke 18:14

He wrote – Sometimes we do not need to be reminded of these guidelines.  Sometimes it just takes an increase of faith.  Mark 9:24    THIS IS THE PRECIOUS WISE SON WE LOST.

It has not only been hard on us, but very difficult on Julianne.  Love just doesn’t stop when someone dies.  In some instances, it just grows stronger.  Our heart aches for her.  But she is surrounded by her family and our family with lots of love.

Surrounded by family with lots of love. . .we are.  And some of them are friends that I feel have been part family for years.  I am very thankful this season for these friends.  Proverbs 18:24b “But there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother.”

Thank you to all of you who helped us through this difficult couple of days and who will continue to hold us close in your prayers.  It will not get easier any time soon.  Sometimes is just takes an increase in faith.  Thank you Trey.  I miss you buddy.

I had the opportunity to go on an official visit to Le Bonheur today and take the “Le Bonheur 101 Tour”.  I went as a part of the John Dustin Buckman Charitable Trust and was surrounded by many friends; one, my boss, Joe Duncan, and two, my pastor, Charles Fowler.  Even the LeBonheur officials knew of my situation and when we would go from floor to floor, doctors would console me about my loss.

The first area we went through was the ER.  I looked directly at the seats where the Newman family had been sitting when I came out to tell them that Trey had cancer.  A memory that was so vivid.  My knees just gave way.  I guess someone saw that and Joe asked me if I was okay.  I said I was fine, just fine.

You see, St. Jude wasn’t actually the first to tell us about the cancer.  We knew it was a mass.  We just didn’t know what type.  It was when we got to St. Jude that we regained our hope.  Not that you don’t have hope at Le Bonheur!

We went through surgery and I saw a mother standing next to her child and I heard Dr. Eubanks explain to everyone else how it has been such a big change to let parents now stay with their children until they are fully asleep before their surgery.  I thought back to our time with Trey in the Le Bonheur ER and how we told Trey we would never leave him.  I was with him through every procedure when they put him to sleep.  I even stayed in an entire procedure at West Clinic and never left the room.  That was his last procedure about two weeks before he died.  That is so important to the child.  I’m so glad the physicians realize that.

We went through the neuroscience department and they were testing epileptic children by EEG.  I smelled that glue a mile away.  I’ve had so many EEGs I cannot count.  That’s the first thing they slap on a migraine sufferer are the EEG leads.  I did ask if the glue was still hard to remove from the head when I was a Le Bonheur patient and they told me things had not changed.

At the end of our tour we were able to eat lunch and talk about what we had experienced.  I didn’t really say what I wanted to say as the mother of a former patient, even if Trey was only a patient for a couple of days.  Someone did touch on the fact that when we were walking down the halls you forgot you were on a tour and you realized the families were experiencing real life trauma.  My thought was, and yes, some child will not go home.  Or, a family will go home tonight without their child and they will feel the emptiness and loss of a lifetime.

It doesn’t matter how you decorate a hospital, guide a tour, or have the bigger rooms than the next hospital, if you do not have the latest in patient care and research, it really does not matter.  If I knew of a hospital today doing research on the P16 gene, other than research facilities, I would be in touch with them asking them about their clinical trials.  There is just so much out there that people need to be educated about.  And yes, even patient care services is part of it.  That means knowing how to take care of the sibling once the other sibling has passed.  We have not tapped into that service at St. Jude but I believe it is time to utilize that service with Collin.

Collin is suffering internally.  His grades are suffering.  He does not talk about Trey.  He has a new diagnosis to deal with regarding food allergies and two new medications.  It just boils down to a lot to deal with for a 13 year old.  Why some people aren’t reaching out is beyond me.  I’ll say it again.  I’m 47 years old and this is the most difficult time of my life.  I don’t know how Collin is even functioning.  Basketball season starts soon and we pray that will begin a revival in all things new.

We know that God has a purpose for every child in Le Bonheur.  I just walked down the halls and prayed for the children as I felt like weeping.  I hope during this holiday season you will remember those who are ill and hospitalized.  All it takes is one visit to make someone feel special.

For these children I pray:  “God declares with confidence that things can change— “See, I am doing a new thing!” Isa. 43:19

I can’t find the words to pray
I’m a little down today
Can you help me?
Can you hold me?
I feel a million miles away
And I don’t know what to say
Can ya here me anyway?
What I need is for you to reach out your hand
You have taught me
No matter what you’d understand

Lord move in the way, that I’ve never seen before
Cause there’s a mountain in the way and I’ll knock on the door
I’m drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore
So Lord move (move), or move me.

I’ve look every where to find
A simple peace of mind
I can’t find nothing on my own
So I got to leave myself behind
Take up this cross of mine
Give away everything I hold onto

Lord I know the only way is through this
Lord I know I need you to help me do this

Lord move in the way, that I’ve never seen before
Cause there’s a mountain in the way and I’ll knock on the door
I’m drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore
So Lord move (move), or move me.

Out of this place of complacency
To a place of fellowship with thee
Cause I am weak but Lord you are so strong
And you know it’s been way too long (been way too long)

Lord move in the way, that I’ve never seen before
Cause there’s a mountain in the way and I’ll knock on the door
I’m drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore
So Lord move (move)…

Collin and I were on the way home from church today and the song 10,000 Reasons came on the radio.  Most of the time, I hold it together, sing along, and that’s it.  Today, I decided to just cry and let it go in front of Collin.  I mean heaving crying.  I saw Collin turn to the window and he stopped singing.  At the end of the song, I said out loud, Oh, I miss your brother so much my heart hurts.  I asked Collin, do you miss him sometimes?  He said, yes.  Then, without a word, he helped me get everything out of the car that was mine.  That’s not normal.  Ha ha.  I guess the point to that story is that I feel it is healthy to show emotion and cry in front of Collin.  How else are we going to let him know it’s okay to grieve?

That brings me to yesterday.  Collin has been on the couch all morning and Jay and I got home in the afternoon and I was ready to crash on the couch.  I asked Collin to move from the couch several times and he did not move.  Finally, I got an “ALRIGHT” out of him. Parents, you know how that makes your skin crawl.  I reached to pop that little mouth out of reaction and he got up real fast.  I said, give me your phone and he kept walking.  I said give me your phone and he threw it at me (well, tossed it behind him).  I told him to not plan on asking for his phone anytime soon.  He said he didn’t care.  I walked off fuming.  Little smartie.  He won’t get away with THAT again.  I went to Jay ranting!  Later that evening as we were leaving, Collin said he was sorry and that he had a bad day.  It made me think.  He can have a bad day.  He hasn’t been crying or expressing anything like I have.  I think he is entitled to a bad day.  It reminded me of the scripture.  Ps. 145:8  “The Lord is gracious and merciful; slow to anger and great in lovingkindness.”  SLOW TO ANGER…humm.  That’s a novel concept.  I have my precious Collin who is dealing with so much, so as he walks down a path that none of us have ever walked, slow to anger is the very least he deserves.

Jay and our family cheered at the St. Jude marathon yesterday.  I think there were more people crying that were running that those that were cheering.  It was so very special.  It was the day that Chris Camp, a firefighter, was to push Trey in a wheelchair during the race, but Trey was not there.  Tonight, Chris and his family came over and in a very emotional moment, presented us with his medal that he received from running the marathon in memory of Trey.  He asked if we minded that the firefighters run in memory of Trey from now on.  We said we are honored.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the firefighters are so special.

Collin has had all of his tests and they are normal. No signs of cancer.  But as I have mentioned before, they found Eosinophilic Esophagitis.  This is a disease that the esophagus inflames due to the reaction of allergies to foods.  We had allergy testing done on Thursday and he is allergic to every kind of food you can imagine – milk, egg yolk, soy, wheat, rice, peanut, you name it.  He can have water, beef, and chicken!  The doctor wanted him to go on a diet and Jay and I both said there is no way, so we are going the pill route.  We hope this will help with many things.

So our just a few reasons boil down to one reason this season, Collin.  What are we going to do during Christmas? We don’t know.  Will it be hard the next few weeks? Absolutely.  Am I looking forward to it? Of course not.  I can’t even listen to Christmas music.  But Collin did say he was excited about Christmas.  I wish I had time off to spend with him at Christmas.  Please pray that I can approach work and ask for a day to extend our Christmas together while Jay is off work.

Jay and I might be grieving about one son we have in heaven, but we know we have another son here with us that needs more attention than any one child can be given.  This time is also hard on Trey’s friends.  Our family recognizes that.  We are praying for you.  We all will be together closer to Christmas as I plan a party for our high school youth.  I don’t care what the house looks like, we just need to be together.

There are days when I feel my strength failing and I wish the end would draw near.  That means I would be near to Trey.  But God is not finished with our family yet.  And he’s not finished with Trey.  There are still seeds to plant and gardens to water with God’s word.  That does not change that I miss my buddy more than words can express and just getting out of bed each day is the hardest thing I do.  Once you’ve experienced a loss like this, you will find that sharing God’s word comes very easy.  I am just praying for more opportunities to use Trey’s story for God’s glory.

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore. . .