Tonight, my mind would not let me rest, especially when God heard my prayers.

A part of grief is bitterness and even though at the time of Trey’s death I did not ask myself “Why?”, I have found myself with that question popping up in my mind.  My sister is dealing with the same grief.  Lord, why Trey? Why not healing? Why all this pain? Why the isolation?

I have prayed and prayed for God to come to me with comforting words to share so that I could share something positive.  The words never came.  I have refused to write about my never-ending grief.  It’s there.  I know people are uncomfortable talking about it.  My own family can’t talk about it.  Hello??? I lost my son! My heart literally breaks every day and NO, you CAN’T imagine how I feel…until you’ve been there.  But you can pray for me.  You can hug me.

I had the conversation with a friend the other day and he said, “…people just don’t know how to respond.  I even often worry that I might say the wrong thing or that something would be taken wrong.  I just push past that and pray for God to give me the right words.  I know we can be stronger together.”  What a concept! Stronger together!  I told him, “You get it!”  I know he prays for me and my family.  What a blessing.

But this week has still been filled with questions and pain.  A deep longing to sit with someone and talk about Trey and cry for my son as I head into an excruciating month.  I found myself crying out to the Lord tonight.

After that time, I realized I had not finished my devotion for the day, which I would like to share with you.

God Puts Pain to Use

I enjoyed breakfast recently with a friend.  Most of our talk revolved around the health of his fourteen-year-old son.  Seven years ago a tumor was found behind the boy’s spleen. The discovery let to several months of strenuous prayer and chemotherapy [at this point, I wanted to stop reading].  The son recovered.  He is now playing high school football and the cancer clinic is a distant memory.

The discovery of the tumor was the part of the story I found fascinating.  When the boy was seven years old, he was horsing around with cousins.  One of them accidentally kicked him in the stomach.  Acute pain led to a hospital visit.  An alert doctor requested a series of tests.  And the tests led the surgeon to discover and remove the tumor.  After the cancer was removed, the father asked the physician how long the tumor had been present.  Although it was impossible to know with certainty, the form and size of the tumor indicated that it was no more than two or three days old.

“So,” I said, “God used a kick in the gut to get your boy into treatment.”

The question at the end was, “Why the kick in gut?”  God doesn’t manufacture pain but he certainly puts it to use.

Romans 8:28 “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.”

Oh, this story is so familiar but with such a different ending. How many of us are living with pain and grief, but forget there is a purpose.  We need to be brave in our faith. Satan does not want us to use the power God gives us by recognizing His full purpose.  We all have a purpose.  Trey had a purpose.  I actually reminded my sister this morning as we talked about our grief of Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”  That scripture is NOT just for students graduating high school! He still has plans for my life, he has a future for me and I should have hope.

Does what I just said diminish my grief? Absolutely not.  But my God is faithful to answer me when I call.  To remind me that I am BRAVE.  I can make it through this life with friends by my side that choose to do this together!

YOU make me Brave! And it’s okay to cry!