Have you ever been to the Grand Canyon? My sisters have with the family and they have told me of the awesome sight. It’s just something I cannot imagine. Personally, I have no desire to go there. I can’t comprehend wanting to go look at a big, dry hole that people try to jump over on their motorcycles like idiots. Just thought I’d throw that in there. I’m sure it’s hot there, and there’s not a beach, so why go? Point made. At least for me.
I bet you are thinking, what in the world does the Grand Canyon have to do with anything? Well, in my usual fashion, I caught myself humming today.
How deep the Father’s love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory
Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice,
Call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished
I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection
Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom
That’s when I began to think about the Grand Canyon. On earth, other than the oceans, that is the only vastness I have to measure God’s love for me and that is nowhere NEAR how much He loves me. That love has carried me through a very lonely time the last two weeks and it will be even worse the next three weeks. I put this in my book, but I remember vividly crying on the alter in 2012 on Senior Sunday praying that God would have Trey here to walk across the stage on Senior Sunday. Mama’s can be selfish sometimes.
Even though there might be a smile on our face, our hearts are breaking…all of our family. Bobby, my nephew is graduating from U of M on Saturday. Trey would be so proud. So many of you have been so very gracious not to send graduation invitations to Trey’s own graduation. We thank you! I have cringed every time I have had to look through the mail. I don’t expect you to understand, and I know there are MANY that will say “She needs to just get over it.” I’ll be glad to trade my grief for your daily struggle in a heartbeat. Remember, you do not always know what is going on behind closed doors. I have received many sweet texts regarding sensitivity. I have been blessed by the pouring out of love for our family during this time. That is why I have remained off Facebook, even though my Twitter feed flows over. We are thrilled for everyone’s accomplishments! We truly are! But in some ways, it reminds me of my own failure. The promises I made to Trey. I’m so thankful God catches every tear.
“But I will boast in Jesus Christ…” He gives me strength when I don’t want to get out of bed each day. He tells me I can do it another day. He reminds me that Trey doesn’t like it when I’m upset. (D. J. reminds me of that too.) He reminds me that there is a season for everything. This is just another season and there will be many used to strengthen me. He is sharpening me and will use me. When that day comes, I will be ready. Right now, I grieve.
My boss shared a scripture with me today, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.” Mark 12:30. It made me think maybe I’m not strong enough to love with all my heart, soul, and mind. I feel zapped of everything. So where do you get your strength? The word of God.
Maybe I need to visit the Grand Canyon. There is a lesson to be learned by seeing the wonderment of God’s creation. It might just be the opportunity to stand in awe and realize that when you step outside the city limits of Memphis and Collierville, life is so much bigger than what we are experiencing around us. God can give you a renewed strength.
I leave you with one of my favorite passages (Joe’s-my boss-and Trey’s too): Isaiah 40:31
“…but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
This weekend I went with our youth choir from Germantown Baptist to Nashville for the weekend. The name of our choir is Under Authority which is taken from the scripture Matthew 8:9 “For I am also a man Under Authority…” We have been in existence under the leadership of our Worship Pastor, Ron Norton for I believe, seven years. (Ron, is that right? I guess so, Trey was in 6th grade!).
Our kids have been to churches in New Orleans (several times), North Dakota, Tennessee, and states all across the U.S. that I don’t even remember. During these trips, they have sung in nursing homes, painted houses, cleaned out warehouses, mowed lawns, fixed roofs, painted each other, torn down sheds, had block parties to promote local church events, hung door flyers for local churches, helped with VBS, you name it, they have done it. Most of the time it has been in blazing heat (with the exception of North Dakota, trust me, I was there).
One special impromptu worship experience was in 2012 when they sang in Jackson Square in New Orleans. Trey was ill at the time and we were not there, but Collin was with them. I remember the group coming back and telling me how people came up and joined them in singing. They were so blessed by that moment. It was a moment they will take with them the rest of their lives.
This weekend was just a short trip, but I think our kids put in work in one day that was worth many days at the Tennessee Baptist Children’s Home. They cleared a brush area that I feel was the size of a football field. There was poison ivy, ticks, thorn bushes, (no wildlife), and our kids just jumped in and begged for chainsaws. (Uh, no.) They worked till they had splinters in their hands.
Saturday night we spent the evening at Opry Mills Mall and let the kids play at Dave and Busters (a video game place) with a meal provided, the adults could shop, or just chill and watch the ballgames. Either way, it was a reward for all for a hard day’s work.
Sunday morning was an early wake up call to be at the church in Murfreesboro to sing in two services. Even though our group was small in number, we were mighty in sound. Many of our kids could not go because of school and job commitments. During the service I looked on the back row. There stood Collin, 5′ 8″ tall. You know there are kids that just stand and barely move their mouths because they just haven’t picked up the “joy” of singing in UA. That was Collin years ago. As we sang Your Great Name, and tears rolled down my face, I saw Collin singing, really singing. But I don’t give myself credit. I give someone else credit who doesn’t like to TAKE credit…
Ron Norton. What a Godly example for our children. I have been under his leadership for many years in Adult choir and Under Authority and he gives us the freedom to express our worship and has taught many kids that have come and gone how to serve, sing, and worship. He’ll not be happy that I’m talking about him (because he is very humble), but the teaching has to come back to someone. If it were not for Ron, Trey would not have learned how to worship. Ron walked with us every step of Trey’s journey. And now, I see the light, every so slightly, beaming in Collin and I am so blessed. There are so many hours that he lets them be goofy and he puts up with it and shakes his head, but then he’s goofy right along with him. He has earned their trust, their respect, but most of all, there love. And he TELLS them – “You know what? I love you guys!” I can’t imagine any parent NOT wanting their child to be a part of this ministry.
The adults were reminiscing on the way home of the different trips we had been on, including our own choir tours. Most of us, (Cindy Few and I), grew up in churches that we went from coast to coast every summer on choir tours. I am so glad our kids are seeing a glimpse of the history that made us who we are as adults in choir. The worship leaders like Jim Whitmire and Phil Martin that made us sit on the edge of our seats, taught us scales, and different ways to read music, but also put us together with different age groups so that we would get to know each other and bond. Oh, I’m sure you’ll hear stories of how someone put Pringle in the overhead bin of the bus (he crawled in there), or about Jason Herrington (ADULT) being pulled on across a gym floor with a helmet on while riding a roller/dollie thing, or how Collin flicked Stacia in the face with paint. Yes, it was all hard work, but look at the blessings. We have produced children that love music, service, and most of all, they actually like being together.
To me, that’s the definition of a mission trip. We covered it all. We met new people and showed them the love of Christ by serving them. We were respectful in a hotel and spoke words of love by saying “thank you” to the staff (and were commended for it). And we sang of His love. His Great Name. Well done Under Authority.
I tried to write a blog, but it just didn’t turn out like I wanted it. It kinda sounded angry. You know I’m not angry. Just miss you. Gosh, I’m already crying and I know you’re not happy about that. Just tough. Mom’s cry, Trey. I don’t know why you never understood that. Geez.
Remember two years ago when I prayed at the alter for you to walk on senior Sunday? We both know that wasn’t what God had planned. I accept that. Doesn’t mean I have to like it all the time. That was a tough day praying on the alter. I knew then. I skipped senior Sunday last year. I’ll probably have to do the same thing this year.
I know you see all your friends planning for prom. Knowing you, you would try to go dressed up like the guys from Dumb and Dumber. It’s funny because I put a post on Twitter about prom and right after that, I started receiving texts from your friends telling me that they were thinking about you too. It helps me to know I’m not alone in my thoughts about you. I’m sure you’ll be doing your share of dancing in heaven anyway! We know God gave us music also as a means of worship, and I KNOW how you love to worship.
A lot of your friends are stressing over papers, projects, tests, etc. I’m glad that you don’t have to worry about that, so I guess that’s a good thing. But on the other hand, they are wishing their year away. It will be time they can’t get back. It’s like the time I can’t get back with you.
Many of your friends are going to the same colleges. I wonder how long it will be before they are home. That just happens. If you were here, I’m not sure how far we would have wanted you to go either. It has been very hard to not say anything because when they leave, the parents will experience just a touch of how your dad and I feel, except your friends will come home to wash clothes or get money. I know a lot miss home. Madison misses home. I miss her. I miss the girls. Jules is busy with work and school. I haven’t seen them in a while. Saw Cojo Saturday and it made my day.
I know it just blows our mind that Collin is going to graduate 8th grade and I registered him for high school. That was a tough day. I’m so glad all I had to do was walk in and walk out. Do you remember at your 8th grade graduation when Jamie, Chris, Tim and I think Austin drew TREY on their stomachs and stood in the balcony and yelled your name as you walked across the stage? Oh that was a hoot! What a memory. I need to find that picture. I bet that won’t be done at the CHS graduation. That will be a tough day, but I will be there. In my heart, you will be there sitting with your class and I know you are in their hearts.
You’ll be at their graduation parties, at the Baccalaureate, and the senior picnic. I miss you Buddy, every minute of every day. It’s hard not to trivialize what everyone else deals with, but I have to remember that everyone has their own share of problems that they see as their own mountain. I am thankful that God is a God to all of us that understands and meets our needs where we are.
We are going on an Under Authority choir trip this weekend. I’ll sure miss you then too. We’ll be singing one of your favorites and I can’t help but smile. I see you doing the hand motions and Ron just shaking his head. It’s those memories and those times that I hold on to. This keeps me going buddy, hope. Hope in Christ that I will soon see you again. There will be no schedules, no college, no graduations, and an amazing party that will continue for eternity. We’ll all celebrate the glory of God and worship together.
“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” Romans 12:12 I’m trying…and I am thankful…
I love you, Mama
All My Fountains by Chris Tomlin
This dry and desert land
I tell myself, “Keep walking on”
Hear something up ahead
Water falling like a song
An everlasting stream
Your river carries me home
Let it flow, let if flow
A flood for my soul
A well that never will run dry
I’ve rambled on my own
Never believing I would find
An everlasting stream
Your river carries me home
Let it flow, let it flow
Open the heavens
Come Living Water
All my fountains are in You
You’re strong like a river
Your love is running through
All my fountains are in You
Come on, and rain down on us
Rain down on us, Lord
Wait! Before you go on Spring Break – Remember who you are taking with you. Not just your friends, a couple of parents, or someone that is being called your chaperone. If you are a believer, you take Christ with you wherever you go. He likes the beach too. Okay, okay, and the mountains. I just prefer the beach, so I know He goes with me there.
C – is for Christ who died for your sins so that you could have everlasting life. Whoa. Everlasting. Like forever. Romans 6:23 “For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” His death covered a multitude of sins!
H – is for our eternal home, heaven. I, personally, cannot wait. But heaven is only granted to those who love the Lord and keep his commandments. Some say, I’ll get to that later. John 14:2 “In My Father’s house are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you.” He promises a place for ME! Just for ME – and for YOU! But are we only willing to be obedient when it is convenient for us?
R – is for the blessing of redemption. Isaiah 40-43 is probably one of my favorite passages. Isaiah 43:1 “But now, thus says the Lord, your Creator, O Jacob, And He who formed you, O Israel, “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine!” He redeemed ME on the cross and I am HIS. What a promise for ourselves and our children. Oh, and did you get that, He FORMED you. Your DNA is specific! And hey, I met the man who discovered DNA ~ seriously, he’s still alive.
I – is for intelligence. God gave us a wonderful mind that allows us to be creative, allows us to come before Him at any time, but He also gave us the ability to make our own choices. Will you make wise decisions? You might think that it will stay right where you are, in that moment in time. But a wrong decision can follow you the rest of your life. Ecclesiastes 10:2 “A wise man’s heart directs him toward the right, but the foolish man’s heart directs him toward the left.” Listen to your heart; your gut. Do not hesitate to say – I can’t do this. I had to make a decision like this recently and it was hard, but I know God will honor my obedience. And there were others praying for me.
S – is for satan. We all are susceptible to temptation. Jesus was tempted. But how will you handle temptation? Satan will discourage you, entice you, and destroy whatever joy you may have in Christ. You can be having the best time and BAM! What just hit me?! I wasn’t even paying attention! That’s the point. It’s because he knows how to destroy. John 10:10 “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” Have a great time, but don’t let satan steal the joy of your salvation. Dance in the sun, sing in the rain, but be mindful of the sincere faith within you.
T – is for your testimony. What does your testimony say about you? Others know and they can tell a difference when your testimony changes. The change might be just slight, but enough that HIS light is not as bright as it has been. You know what Christ has done for you. It might be that you need to tell someone else what Christ has done for you. REALLY done for you.
I debated about saying anything about spring break because I didn’t want anyone saying to me that I was just upset because Trey was not able to go on spring break. That’s not it at all, actually. He’s on PERMANENT spring break! There are loved ones that are already in college that have experienced spring break two times over that I am more concerned about. My plea is that parents will remind their children to stand up for Christ, in ALL things, knowing He will bless their endeavors. And it doesn’t have to be during spring break!
My prayer is that your spring break will be fun, spent with friends that you trust, and doing what you love to do whether it is laying on a beach or fishing from a lake. I will also be praying for my own family who is traveling to Disney without Jay and me. Collin with have a blast with his Aunt Donna and Uncle Bill. I made the remark that it just won’t be the same. Collin so wisely said, “No, but we’ll make new memories and not forget the old.”
Go out and make memories! Special memories that you would not be ashamed to have Christ tag along. Oh, and I’d like a Florida shell please.
Yesterday we heard a wonderful sermon from our pastor. He was preaching from Act 3 where it talks about the lame beggar. In this story, the lame beggar is used to sit at the gate of the temple to beg alms of those who are entering the temple. His infirmity was very evident to the people who passed him every day. Peter and John passed him as they entered the temple and he began to beg. Peter told him he did not possess any silver or gold to give him, but what he did have he would give to him. In the name of Jesus, Peter gave him the ability to walk again. (Acts 3:1-10)
It sounds like such a simple story, but as we were going through the pastor’s outline, his first point was – They ministered to one who was suffering. Then a light bulb went off in my head and I immediately wrote it down on my outline. How many times do we pass by those who we know who are suffering yet we do not take the time to minister to them? I’m guilty.
As the sermon continued, my thoughts began to race. How many are suffering that we do not know about. I’m not saying that we need to jump into everyone’s business. But I know some who are suffering. I know people who fall on the alter who are suffering. I still do at times. I know there are people who walk in our church with smiles on their faces and their lives are falling apart. Back in my day, we called them two-faced. Now, I would prefer to call them silent sufferers.
I’ve realized this more in the grieving process and the difference in the way people grieve. Collin will bounce from one room to the next, yet he is a silent sufferer. One day, there will be a Peter that will come along and in the name of Jesus will see his need and will be able to heal what he has been suffering from for so long.
Unfortunately, there is a different type of silent sufferers in our church and they are unbelievers. Oh my, unbelievers in a church?! Yep, they are there. Where else are they supposed to be? Some believe they are saved. Some do not understand salvation. And I believe some are just afraid of giving up their own pride. Many, many, are afraid to walk through the doors of the church. We would be no where without the loving arms of the church.
Yes, the Erwin family is still suffering from our loss. We will suffer all day, every day. But it’s OUR loss, not Trey’s loss. We are just feeling human suffering that takes understanding, love, and compassion as you walk with us each day. Believe it or not, I have found it is not as abundant as you would think. But I think it is because people can’t comprehend the suffering of Christ. There are so many times that a song will bring me to tears. I’ve said this before. It’s not over the loss of Trey, but over the suffering that Christ went through so that Trey could be with him. So the lame beggar could be healed.
But who among us are suffering in silence? I know a few, quite a few actually. I don’t accept “That’s just how they deal with it.” If the Holy Spirit restores, heals, liberates, helps us in our weaknesses, and regenerates, then what makes us think the Holy Spirit cannot minister to the silent sufferers just as much as the public sufferers?
My prayer is that God will put a silent sufferer in your path, (or even a public sufferer!) you will recognize them, and God will lead you how to minister to them. As Dr. Fowler said, “We must learn to walk with expectation.” Oh, by the way, I love my pastor. :o) I’m blessed that he is not only my pastor, but my mentor, counselor and my friend. He truly #liveslikejesus Trey was blessed to have such a wonderful teacher for the time he was here, and Trey knew how blessed he was. He made a choice not to be silent.
Yesterday, I had the opportunity to go by Trey’s grave. I do that more than I speak about it. More than my family knows. I know he’s not there. But there is just something that is a little consoling in the words – final resting place. Because of the fierce wind and cold, his purple flowers were bent to the side with ice at the bottom of the flower pot. I scraped the ice out and shoved the flowers straight down in the flower urn where they looked pretty. I wiped off a little dirt, stood back, and gazed at the “Healthy in Heaven” that is written at the bottom of his marker.
That thought kept swirling in my mind as I walked a couple of plots over to his grandfather’s and uncle’s resting place. Collin is named after his Uncle Barry. Collin Barrett Erwin. Trey was named after his dad and his grandfather. Jerry Wayne Erwin, III. Trey was always teased and people called him Jerry Wayne or Jerry. He didn’t mind. But as I looked down at Jerry’s marker it suddenly hit me, the date, February 13, 2008. I’ll never forget that day. After Jerry passed, I checked Trey out of school early. As he walked into the office and we walked to the car, he was very quiet. When we got into the car, he said, “I know why you checked me out, it’s Papaw, isn’t it.” I said, “Yes, he passed away this morning and I just didn’t want you coming home on the bus to a house full of people not knowing what was going on.” Trey was only 12. I explained to him how Papaw was so peaceful. Trey remained quiet for the next few days, until we were at the grave. It’s something about the grave. It has a finality to it. Both Collin and Trey openly cried uncontrollably. I remember men from our Sunday School class kneeling at their feet to talk to Trey and Collin as they were grieving. It was comforting to see others to tending to our babies.
Fast forward six years. I can’t believe Jerry has been gone six years. And we still grieve for him, but there is more laughter and we definitely talk about the funny things Papaw did. In Sunday School I handed out a flash light, a TV remote, and two iphones. What they all had in common were no batteries. Without batteries they cannot operate. We are the same way. If we are of Christ, yet do not have the Holy Spirit, we cannot function. The Holy Spirit revives us, consoles us, and comforts us. The Holy Spirit knows what the intimate will of God is for our lives and he intercedes and the scriptures say that he GROANS in prayer for the believers. Much like we groan in grief. I believe the Holy Spirit grieves with me. Romans 8:26-28 ~
“In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words; and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”
I think a lot of people skip the first part of the verses and go straight to how God causes all things to work together for good who love Him. We skip the part about the Holy Spirit. If we do not have the Holy Spirit within us, we are like a remote without batteries, dead in our flesh. What is our flesh? Sinful. I am thankful for the Holy Spirit and its prompting. This week will be a hard week. I know that my son, my father-in-law, my brother-in-law are NOT in that grave. They are seated at the feet of Jesus. Does it make it any easier as my family faces another anniversary and DNOW weekend without Trey? Absolutely not. But I know that the grave and those markers cannot hold my baby because the Holy Spirit filled him, consoled him, revived him, and comforted him. But more than that, I’m thankful for Romans 8:18. For I KNOW that there is MORE on the other side of the grave than what this world can offer. More than this grief that I carry.
“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the anxious longing of the creation waits eagerly for the revealing of the sons of God.”
So son, that is not your resting place. That is just merely the flesh shell of who you were; a men among men. My only wish is that some people knew you. I talked to someone this week that is missing you very much. We don’t move forward, we move along. Some are struggling. Some aren’t talking. Many hide it. Some don’t care. But that’s okay because your mom will never hide her love for her boy or the deep groanings of grief that the Holy Spirit consoles. Holy Spirit, Breathe on Me.
The definition of a deposit is “to put (money) in a bank account” or “to put (someone or something) in a particular place.” That’s it. It is a one-time act. But what if you make more than one deposit? That’s an investment. You are increasing your deposit by adding principal to it so that your account will have value. We definitely can’t depend on the interest rates of today to increase our value. But, it depends on what you invest in.
My particular interest of investing is in the lives of others. There is no greater joy than seeing fruit coming from the time that I have taken to spend with people I love and care about. Not all of that time is spent reading God’s word or praying. You sometimes just need to have a good ear; know when it’s time to give advice and know when to keep your mouth shut.
I see right now the need for this in our youth. But this is also a two way street. Parents aren’t realizing the benefit of having someone invest in their child, so they are not “making” their child participate in church events. Yes, I’ll admit it. I am one of those parents that you don’t have a choice. I didn’t have a choice. So now, church is option A, B, or C on the list of events in the household. It has just become the way of today’s society, and that’s sad. I hurt deeply because I feel our youth are being slighted. Not by our church, but by lay leaders that are just too busy.
I’m praying for that person who is going to come alongside Collin and disciple him. I do not know who this is going to be or when. I do not know if they will be from Germantown Baptist or another church. All I know is that I am praying God will send them quickly to invest in a young boy who is facing a turning point in his life that he could make many decisions for the good or for the bad. He is about to hit the same age Trey was when he was diagnosed. There are so many things that go on in our household as a fallout from a sibling losing a sibling. Not to mention, what he is dealing with in his own mind about his own body. He has appointment after appointment.
There was a special man that invested in Trey. There were many, MANY, events at church that I would leave early or that the youth would have and because he lived around the corner, he would bring Trey home. That gave them the chance to bond, and even more, a chance for Trey to talk about his day, or what had gone wrong at school, talk about sports, etc. Just guy time. What Trey never knew was there were MANY times that I orchestrated those times so that he would have the time to talk because I knew he needed it. One summer, Trey’s “ride” had shoulder surgery. Trey came to Jay and me and asked if he could cut their yard because he knew he would not be able to do it after surgery. We said absolutely! That entire summer Trey gave back to the one that had been investing in him. Trey spent many sweaty days at Keith Cochran’s house cutting his yard that summer. But he did it for his friend, not his youth Pastor. That’s an investment. An investment that led from 6th grade, to his bedside as he was being told he had cancer, to being by his bedside when he met Jesus. Keith paid an emotional price too, I know. That happens when you invest in young people. Sometimes it hurts.
So who are you investing in? Or maybe you are tired of investing because they are not responding. I know that feeling. We feel that with our own children. That’s called parenting. Or maybe you don’t know how to invest? I am reminded of what Jesus says in John 15:5-11.
“I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in Me, he is thrown away as a branch and dries up; and they gather them, and cast them into the fire and they are burned. If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. My Father is glorified by this, that you bear much fruit, and so prove to be My disciples. Just as the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you; abide in My love. If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love; just as I have kept My Father’s commandments and abide in His love. These things I have spoken to you so that My joy may be in you, and that your joy may be made full.”
If they do not abide in Christ, they are cast in the fire and burned! Is that not enough to invest in someone? To share the good news of the Gospel to someone? My prayer is that my heart will continue to burn for young people and their desire to know God. If that changes, I know that God has other plans for me to share His word. Right now, my deepest prayer is for one. Just one. My Collin. So that he can benefit from the sweetest investment of “guy time” that Jesus can give and learn what it means to deeply abide.
It’s been a “Trey” day. Jay called today from work and asked how my day had been and I said, one of those days. He said, Trey. I said, yeah. He said, me too. We often have Trey days at the same time. It’s weird. Then, on the way home from work, as I often do, I called my sister, Donna. I told her the same thing and she exclaimed – ME TOO! But as the same with Jay and me, not full out tears, just here and there.
Some of you may not know this but my sister works for the church. Germantown Baptist Church. She’s all over the place, checking conservatory rooms, teachers, copying music, etc. so her job takes her all over the church. It takes her all over the places Trey filled. She covered her steps with me today as we walked down that memory lane as during basketball season she would go into the gym when Bill, her husband, would come and work out in the afternoons and Trey would be there practicing or working out with Uncle Bill. Her eyes glance to the left as she walks up the walk from where she parks and she sees the stones where a make shift coffin is buried from DNOW of 2012. That was the whole point of DNOW 2012. Surrender.
Speaking of DNOW, it’s that time again. DNOW. Maybe it’s just that it is this time of year that has us all thinking. And by the way, we are not calling it DNOW this year. We are calling it MOVE weekend. I like it. I like the fact that it is taking on an ACTION form. Not to take away the memories of DNOW. Nothing can do that. And frankly, there are some DNOW migraines I would like to forget. But Trey LOVED DNOW! It would be his last, as with many things his senior year. I hope the senior boys cherish this DNOW year together.
But then my sister always has to cut through the sanctuary. The last place she saw Trey. The last place we all saw Trey. But we know, that was not Trey. That was only a shell of who he was. But we still struggle that Trey lived so vibrantly and died so loudly. Yes son, you went out with a bang.
I prayed this prayer this week. God help me to love you more than I love my son Trey, and give me the desire to want to be with you and worship you in heaven more than I want to be with my son in heaven. When you have lost a child, that is the hardest prayer to pray. I’m going to keep praying the SAME prayer. Sometimes I feel like I’m screaming it ~ maybe just a little to convince myself. :o) I could not have prayed that one year ago. I remember someone said that to me right after Trey died and it hurt me to the core. But now I understand. Wow, has it taken time. Not that I don’t miss Trey more than life. We had a Sunday School lesson recently about “do overs”, Trey was not my “do over”. There is a reason I have James 1:2-3 taped to the top of my computer. Not just for memory, but as a reminder. “…knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.”
God fills the halls of Germantown Baptist Church. Music fills the halls of Germantown Baptist Church. My sister walks the halls and hears the familiar songs that brings Trey to mind day after day. You may often see her in tears. If you do, you will now know why. Trey ran those halls like he ran the halls of our homes. But God’s comfort, like a soothing balm, will come. It might be through an understanding smile or a sweet hug. But for the most part – it comes from His word – Hebrews 4:14-16 ~
“Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”
~Confessing I will always be a sinner
~Thanking God for sending His son who can sympathize with my weakness
~Drawing near with confidence to the throne of His wonderful grace
~Praying for mercy for my family
~Asking for grace in this time of need for us all
~Extending this prayer for all that need God’s amazing grace for it extends far beyond Trey’s life or death
I hate for almost every post to be about Trey, but hey, it’s my blog, and we ARE still learning the NEW normal.
For the last 24 hours I’ve done a lot of crying and been reading resolutions on Twitter, Facebook and even heard some on different talk shows. Some of them amused me. I think the people I admired the most were the people that said I don’t believe in resolutions because I know I won’t end up keeping them! How many of us are like that? You know, that diet you start at the beginning of the year? That is probably more than 50% of the people reading this post. But it’s okay because it’s just a statement! No one is holding your feet to the fire if you break this resolution. A lot of people have been choosing single words to represent their resolutions. I think that is kind of cool. So, thinking back over the last year, I decided to do that too. But, there is a difference if you resolve to make a new commitment to the Lord.
I started a new daily reading plan on my phone called Talking With God in Prayer. These are so easy for you to do. The first day spoke to me so clearly about desire to walk closer with Him. It said, “God is available to you at all times…God wants you to grow closer to Him, to be filled with His love and peace, because He longs for what is best for you. Although God works on your behalf, He wants you to RESPOND to Him, showing a willingness to share your life with Him. One way you can do that is by talking to Him daily.”
For some reason, even though another scripture was referenced, the first scripture that came to my mind was Jeremiah 29:11-13
“For I know the plans I have for you” – this is the Lord’s declaration – “plans for your welfare, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. You will call to Me and come and pray to Me and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.”
The verse given in the daily reading was Matthew 28:20
“teaching them to observe everything I have commanded you. And remember I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”
After reading that scripture, it just brought to home Jeremiah 29:11 knowing that He is with me and has a plans for me AND my family. That has been a question that many have asked over the last year. How have we dealt with knowing what God has given us and knowing what might be ahead. Honestly, I have thought of Jeremiah 29:11 many times. We do not know what is in store for Collin. He is being screened by St. Jude and is a St. Jude patient. For that fact, none of us know what is in store for any of us. But we do know that he promises to give us a future and a hope!
But there’s a catch. He gives that future and hope to Christian believers. What are WE going to do about that in 2014? I have a few ideas. I have worn Trey’s In Memory Of bracelet every day since July 7, 2012, with the exception of maybe three or four days. Make NO mistake, I am NOT making a resolution to NOT wear his bracelet. What I am trying to do is find out how I can get it turned into a silver bracelet or something like that. But, wearing that bracelet, for me, is a reminder of how he shared his faith, lived it out, and was committed to His word. I’m not ashamed that I have a son as a role model. So I hope to be able to put his bracelet in a new jewelry box that Julianne gave me for Christmas that is glass and I can see it everyday when I come home. It does not diminish his memory at all. If anything, it will push me to live out my faith.
I hope to get with Collin and have him sit down and make a bucket list. No limit bucket list. We still start working on this bucket list. What is the Disney song? “A dream is a wish your heart makes!” Then, if they are reasonable and attainable, I want to teach him how to pray circles around those items. Hopefully one might be a job! “Can’t” has always been a big word in Collin’s vocab. I am determined to work that word OUT! Teach him the word DETERMINATION! I am also praying for a special person that will invest in Collin like friends that invested in Trey. This is a very, very impressionable age for Collin and he is being bombarded by things that teens should not be seeing. Who is holding him accountable? There comes a time that he will not listen to his parents, but will listen to peers. Jay and I are earnestly praying through what our place is for Collin. I charge you that if you see someone that YOU can invest in, make that YOUR commitment for 2014. You can make a difference in a young person’s life for the kingdom of God.
I have been working on a book for about a year on and off. Needless to say, I will finish it in 2014. It might sit in my house, but I will finish it.
So, to those of you making resolutions, I pray the best for you! I hope you make it! For me, I’ve just chosen a word – commit. Ps. 37:4-7
“Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you your heart’s desires. COMMIT your way to the Lord; TRUST in Him, and He will act, making your righteousness shine like the dawn, your justice like the noonday. Be SILENT before the Lord and WAIT expectantly for Him; do not be agitated by one who prospers in his way, by the man who carries out evil plans.”
COMMIT to the LORD! Hakuna Matata! (Means no worries, for the rest of your days…it’s our problem free, philosophy, Hakuna Matata!) P.S. I don’t know why the date of my post says Jan 2. I’m trying to fix my dates!
Why DO bad things happen to good people? This is something many people ask themselves. Probably the first time I asked myself that question was when I was 12. I knew something was going on around the house. Dad had been in and out of the hospital, on vitamins, and Mom and Dad did a lot of talking instead of yelling. Dad was then diagnosed with ALS ~ Lou Gehrig’s Disease and died when I was 17. There was a lot to deal with during my formative years. The caregiver becomes the caretaker. Not a normal household. It was a very different household than what my sister’s grew up in.
But what you may not know, Dad was not living the life a Christian is called to live. He drank, he was disrespectful to my mother, and disrespectful to me (yes, there is scripture about parents not provoking your children ~ Eph. 6:4 “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”). I remember many times asking for prayer for my dad for salvation. Not the kind of salvation that you receive when you are 8 years old, but a saving grace that pricked his heart. He was brought up in the church and knew right from wrong.
Gradually, I began to see him read his bible every morning at the breakfast table before I left for school together with the devotion book that my mother read. Nothing was ever said. Deacons would come to the house to minister to him as his illness became worse. Ron Wright, Hugh Sharp, and Roy Allen, three Godly men I remember spending a lot of time in my house over those last years. If dad was feeling up to it, he would attend church with his cane. Once he was wheelchair bound, he watched several services on tv. I’ll never forget Adrian Rogers visiting him. My father’s boss was a deacon at Bellevue.
My father went to be with the Lord on December 27, 1982, in our home. And I truly believe he went to be with the Lord because I saw a change in him. I saw the way he treated my mother and his desire to soak in more of God’s word. Unfortunately, what did not change, was the relationship between us and that is something I cannot do anything about. But it taught me so much.
I use this illustration to say again, why do bad things happen to good people? My dad WAS a good man, by “good men” standards. But being “good” doesn’t get you into heaven. We know that. If I have learned anything, ANYTHING as I held my sweet Barry’s head as he met Jesus (Jay’s brother), held the hand of my father-in-law when he met Jesus, and laid next to my son as he ran to Jesus – GOD CAN REDEEM ALL THINGS FOR GOOD.
But how do we know He redeem things for good? And why do people question God’s choosing and purpose? It’s call faith. That simple. Faith. You may have faith of a mustard seed and struggle with the smallest things. You may have faith of a mountain and can walk through any storm. It says in 1 Cor. 10:13 “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and He will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation He will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” If we have an intimate relationship with God our Father, we know that He has a PURPOSE in ALL things. Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.” GOD HAD A PURPOSE FOR TREY ERWIN.
I have overheard that some at Collierville High are now claiming deism as their “faith” because a loving God would not let Trey die the way he did or let the incident of Sandy Hook occur one year ago. This makes my heart sad. Some of you might be asking what is deism? Deism is the acknowledgment of the existence of a god upon the testimony of reason and of nature and its laws, and the rejection of the possibility of supernatural intervention in human affairs and of special revelation. So, people are thinking God created Trey, knit him in my womb, and he suffered and died without purpose? What does that say about the birth, death and resurrection of Christ? From the Message ~ Ps. 139:13-14 “Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother’s womb. I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration—what a creation! You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, The days of my life all prepared before I’d even lived one day.” I’m beginning to wonder if you read his tweets, listened to his testimony (which you can see on this blog), or really, know him at all ~ because he knew Jesus. His faith made him stronger than any army.
Do you realize that one day we will all die? Our ultimate destiny as a Christian will be to spend eternity with God. But the bible says that there is only one way to get there (Uh, Hello!) and that is through Christ, His son. John 14:6 says, “Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me.” So here we are, praying for salvation for our loved ones (just like I did for my dad) because we DO want to spend eternity with them. Did I pray for my dad to get sick so that he would become closer to God? No, but that is what happened. Was I praying that Trey lead a pure life, absolutely. Does the bible put a preface on HOW we are going to get there? God never told us the road would be easy. Matter of fact, He warns us multiple times that there will be trials and tribulation. Bless Job’s heart. He is a prime example of someone in the bible that experienced bad things happening. He had everything taken away from him. His children and family were killed, he lost his property, all his belongings, and his health. Yet God used him to challenge Satan through his obedience and faith. Grace Communion International said, “It wasn’t that Job had to overcome a specific sin, but rather that he had to grow in understanding. Job had been too hasty in concluding God was unjust or unable to rule in the right way. Job’s suffering had such an intent — to prove whether he would love God in spite of everything. This message of Job has deep implications for our relationship with God. Trials and suffering provide spiritual enrichment and build a relationship between us and God.”
He gives us answers for our tribulation! “The Lord is good, A stronghold in the day of trouble, and He knows those who take refuge in Him.” Nahum 1:7 In many hours before Trey’s death, there was not restlessness, worry, confusion, only peace. Trey had a peace that he would be with Jesus soon. We had talked about it days earlier. With deism you do not have to accept the responsibility of having faith in anything. There IS NO HOPE for your future. But I know, for my family, faith is where it’s at. My goodness, that’s the only way I get out of bed each morning, one foot at a time and I decide to stand and move forward.
As for the shooting at Sandy Hook, I know that gun activist are taking a stand. I do not claim to know ANYTHING about it, BUT if it can protect more people and something from happening again. This is from the Huff Post today and is a portion of the article titled “One Year After Sandy Hook…”
Mark Barden no longer works much as a musician. Nicole Hockley is no longer a stay-at-home mom. Both are full-time employees of Sandy Hook Promise, whose pledge — signed by nearly 270,000 on the internet — reads:
This is a promise to truly honor the lives lost by turning our tragedy into a moment of transformation, to be open to all possibilities … to have the conversations on all the issues, conversations where listening is as important as speaking. … This is a promise to do everything in our power to be remembered not as the town filled with grief and victims; but as the place where real change began.
“[This] work is now my whole life,” Mark said in a phone interview from Washington, D.C., where he and Nicole were on a fundraising trip. They spend a lot of time in D.C., and were among the dozen family members of Sandy Hook victims who met with senators last spring, asking them to expand required background checks for gun purchases.
THIS is redeeming something bad for good! God knew! He knew this work would need to be done. He knows I need to finish things in my household. He knew that his friend, Mitchell Moore, would be baptized this Sunday after being saved at camp with him several years ago. All because of Trey’s faith and the way he lived OUT his life. Not necessary LIVED, but lived OUT.
Romans 8:1-5 “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit.”
It started with Eve in the garden. Sin. We are of a sinful nature. That’s just what we are and we have to fight it daily. Satan seeks to destroy us. That is his ultimate goal ~ to destroy anyone, ANYONE who attempts to become God’s child. Job 2:2 “The Lord said to Satan, “Where have you come from?” Then Satan answered the Lord and said, “From roaming about on the earth and walking around on it.” BE ALERT! John 10:10 says, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” Don’t you want abundant life? I sure do! And it’s a daily prayer for me and my family.
My email is on this blog. If you have any doubts about your salvation, I urge you to contact me about it. I would love to talk to you. I cannot wait to get to heaven and dance on the streets of gold with my baby boy! We are in the last days, my friends, make no mistake. If you pray for salvation for a loved one, don’t be surprised how God will get them there! Their MESS just might become their MESSAGE! 1 John 2:15 “Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.”
So, we are back to why do bad things happen to good people. We have to remember that some things we will not know this side of heaven. I firmly believe it is a matter you will need to bring before God if your faith is wavering. “Hear then the parable of the sower: When anyone hears the word of the kingdom and does not understand it, the evil one comes and snatches away what has been sown in his heart. This is what was sown along the path. As for what was sown on rocky ground, this is the one who hears the word and immediately receives it with joy, yet he has no root in himself, but endures for a while, and when tribulation or persecution arises on account of the word, immediately he falls away. As for what was sown among thorns, this is the one who hears the word, but the cares of the world and the deceitfulness of riches choke the word, and it proves unfruitful.”
John 16:33 “These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.”
[UPDATED SINCE ORIGINAL BLOG]
My faith is what gets me through the day and I do not live in fear. Bad things happen. Covid is destroying families. Cancer is taking children (and adults). Hurricanes and tsunamis are erasing villages and cities. But when my life is over, I want to stand before the Lord and hear, Matt. 25:21 “His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’
living the life of christ 