It is amazing after six months that we are still receiving encouraging letters, notes, cards, emails, etc.  Please, if you think of us, continue to pray and send us notes.  They do brighten our day and remind us that Trey is not forgotten.  For me, he is every thought.  But like a friend told me, he doesn’t think about Trey everyday, and that’s normal.

I know this is going to sound very strange.  Our youth minister of six years, Keith Cochran, is moving to Tupelo to be a pastor of a church.  The church is getting a wonderful family and exceptional preacher and teacher, not only in Keith but in Bretta too.  The Cochran family has been a big part of the Erwin family for the last couple of years.  I told Keith a couple of weeks ago that I felt like I was losing Trey all over again because that was how deep the loss of the Cochran family goes for me.  Here is an example:

There was Wednesday night, about 8 p.m., that we received a call from Dr. Tauer who was Trey’s oncologist at West Clinic.  We received news that we would need to make a decision that evening whether Trey would go into surgery on Friday if a stent procedure did not work.  There was a good possibility that Trey would not survive the surgery or if he did, the recovery would be long and difficult.  All of his friends, especially his brother, was on a mission trip to New Orleans.  I immediately called Keith because Trey’s first request was I want my brother home.  Keith and Bretta were at our house in a heartbeat.  Trey listed the people he wanted home and we proceeded to call the parents to make arrangements to fly the four friends and Collin home.  Keith had a bad migraine (another thing we have in common) and we made the decision to drive to pick up the kids.  Keith said he would go to get them.  I said NO WAY!  Bretta and a friend left late that night and drove to New Orleans to pick up Trey’s friends and brother to come be with him through the next couple of days.  You see, I just don’t know of many ministers that would do that.  (Well, Ryan Mullins would.)  Friends and their wives do that.  Line drawn. 

Many of you might have gone through this with your hormonal teen.  Trey started to set his boundaries of his manhood.  I completely did NOT understand!  This was my baby (with armpit hair) telling me that he was not afraid of me and his dad.  I told him okay, there wasn’t anything we did to make it that way.  He would just state that out of the blue.  I remember one night just running out of the house around the corner to Keith and B’s house.  Yes, they live around the corner.  I was at a loss.  And Keith proceeded to tell me this was normal.  WHAT?  Once I stopped reacting to Trey’s tail feathers hitting me in the face, he stopped acting that way.  Wow.  And we have another one to go through.  I pray for Keith and Bretta.  They have a house full of GIRLS!  We tease them because his  two dogs are even girls!

The best example is how they live.  They do live like Jesus and Keith and Bretta are examples of what people need to strive to be.  I know they will read this and say GOSH! But I know the example they set for Trey, Collin, and both Jay and me.  More than that, for Germantown Baptist Church and our community.  What a blessing.

So, just as our transition is not easy, neither will theirs be, even though we pray for it to be.  They are very excited about this new journey and honestly, we are happy for them.  Some new paths that God guides us down are not always easy and they can be very scary.  Our paths are similar, somewhat.  Both of our families walk each day in faith that God will provide for us what we need for the next day.  For Keith and Bretta, that will be for their house to sell in Collierville, or adjusting to their new home, or simply to provide a word from God to preach his next sermon.  For us, it is to just breathe one more day, take one more step.

Our transition is still a grieving one.  I received an email from a friend that shared with me some tips on how they handled the loss of their child.  They are SPOT ON!  I thought I’d share them with you.  I’ve heard it a thousand times that people just do not know what to say to us.  Here’s a hint.

THE ONLY THING’S TO SAY:

            “I’m so sorry for your loss.”

            “There are no words.”

Truly – even just after 6 months, those are the only 2 consistent things helpful to hear.

Don’t say — it’s going to get better. (It will eventually, but that is not helpful to hear right now UNLESS          perhaps YOU HAVE ACTUALLY LIVED IT. . . sometimes not even then.)

Never say — after you survive the year of firsts . . . everything will seem better! Stupid, stupid, stupid. . . I used to think it and might help in another loss, but not your child.

Don’t compare this to any other death or experience you have lived through. NEVER a parent or sibling – especially as an adult.

Don’t ask or don’t keep asking — What can I do for you?  If we knew what would help or what we needed, we’d ask!  Prayer is the best!

Don’t say: “How are you?” – Say – “It’s good to see you.”  Or if you really want to know, you’ll probably get tears and much more than you want to hear.

Abide:  Have someone “be” with them/us.  Especially to just “listen” to them/us.  DON’T try to have answers!  There are none right now.

This may not sound compassionate.  And close friends of course, will sometimes grieve with us.  But it is not the same as losing your child. (I’m just telling it like it is.)

In the beginning, take care of simple needs – if they are comfortable with that.  They need it, but might always have been the giver.  I appreciated it so much.  Probably didn’t even notice what all was done for us.

Have some one go with them anytime they are leaving home. . . for appointments, grocery, errands. . . The grocery was brutal.  I would never have thought it!!  The choices you make in the grocery for this child, for each member of the family.  I can walk an aisle and still gravitate toward his favorite foods without thinking.

NEVER has intercessory prayer been more needed or more valuable!!  There are many times where at most I just groan and say, “Lord, Lord. . . help me/us please!”

Do NOT worry about notes and thank you’s!  That time will come later.  I WILL get it done! 

Books sometimes help people.  After a few, it hasn’t helped very much.  It is nice to have your thoughts/emotions affirmed in words.  It hasn’t really helped me to read about someone else’s devastating experience. . . at least not now.

I think some of these hints fit the Cochran family.  Pray for them, Pray for them, Pray for them!  Remember, they will be overwhelmed for a little while.

 Last night, the band played David Crowder.  He is Keith’s favorite.  They played “Oh How He Loves Us.”  That just happened to be one of Trey’s favorite songs.  Of course, I lost it.  I’m so thankful for my friend Becky Roberts who saw me from across the room as I was standing in a row by myself.  She just knew I was missing Trey.  And that’s what she said, “You are missing Trey, aren’t you?”  I said, “Yes, that was one of his favorite songs.”  I would like to end with the lyrics to that song.  A song that is so powerful.  Another thing Trey and Keith had in common, a bond; a bond between all our youth, all Christians.  He loves us.

Oh How He Loves Us

He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves

We are His portion and He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way

And oh, how He loves us
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us so
how he loves

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how he loves
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

My heart is heavy today for a family that I am not very close to, except that I know their son.  The Bennett family are members at Germantown Baptist (but I believe they attend Crossroads) and Blake, their son, has been in our home for DNOW.  Dave Bennett passed away from ALS or commonly known as Lou Gehrig’s disease, on Monday.  Blake is 17.  Dave’s funeral is tomorrow at GBC.

There is a common link between our families.  My father died of ALS and I was also 17.  Blake thinks the world of his dad, as it should be.  I wasn’t as close to my father as most young girls should be at that age.  I was busy trying to grow up, be a cheerleader, keep my schedule at church, and social calendar all in check.  My sisters were both out of the house by the time dad got to the point he needed assistance.  You can imagine bathing, eating, walking, moving from one chair to the other, and many other things.  I do have to say that my last memories of my father were always seeing his Living Bible on the kitchen table with the devotion book Streams in the Desert.  That wasn’t the life my dad always lived, but at least it’s what he lived the last two years.

I am not sure how long Dave was sick, but I know it was not as long as my dad.  My dad had ALS for six years.  It was very uncommon to have ALS for that period of time.  I know what got me through those days as a teenager was spending my time with my friends.  It was a distraction from reality.

I am finding that I still wish I had a distraction from reality.  It seems like yesterday, but on Saturday we celebrated 6 months since Trey’s passing.  I know Blake will feel that too.  All I can hold on to is that I know God is our sustainer and our redeemer.  I pray He redeems me from these feelings of sorrow that will not go away.  I have feelings that others expect to be gone, but for me, they are still fresh on my mind, and YES, on my shoulders.  Who knows when God will ease the pain.  I did get some joy knowing that the “Communities Rally Around Trey Erwin” was voted #1 story for 2012 for Channel 5/WMC.  That just shows how God spoke through Trey so much.

I pray the sorrow and pain is lifted from the Bennett family and that God grants them peace that only He can give.  We only had four months with Trey when we found out about his cancer.  Only four precious months.  We are not promised tomorrow.  It says in Mark 13:31-33 “Heaven and earth will pass away, but My words will not pass away. ³² But of that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but the Father alone. ³³Take heed, keep on the alert; for you do not know when the appointed time will come.”

I am also reminded in Colossians 3:23-24 it tells us that “Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance.  It is the Lord Christ whom you serve.”  THAT is what we need to remember.  THAT is what Trey did.  THAT is what I need to be doing, even though my days are long and tiring.  Jay’s seem much longer.  We can’t care what men will think, we must serve the Lord so on that day He will be able to say to us, WELL DONE.  I know He told my boy Well Done, as well as Dave Bennett.  It’s hard to imagine that the suffering on this earth is merely for a short time, but our time with God will be for eternity.

Dave’s favorite quote – “Life is precious – Nothing is forever”

I’m ready for eternity! Are you?

The first Christmas.  The two hardest days of my life since his death.  I almost can’t type or say his name.  Actually, we haven’t done that in the last two days very much.  I think I’ve cried more in these last two days than I have in the last five months.  My boss, Joe Duncan, warned me that it would be the hardest of days and he was right.  Trey absolutely loved Christmastime and everything that embodied its meaning.

We usually make candy a week before Christmas.  We would make peanut butter balls, coconut balls, fudge, all kinds of candy in preparation for the holidays.  On Sunday, we went to my sister’s and it was Collin’s turn to learn to make fudge.  He did such a good job and I got the annual picture from behind at the stove.  Trey’s was posted on Facebook this year as a memory.  I sat in the kitchen and cried as I watched Collin step into Trey’s position of making the candy.  There were no peanut butter balls made and no other candy.  But the fudge Bobby and Collin made was delish!

Christmas eve is the time that most people go to Christmas eve services.  It has been our tradition for years that is when all our family gets together (nieces, nephews) to eat finger food, fellowship, exchange presents from the Grandmother, etc.  I began Christmas eve receiving text after text of love and support from friends who were thinking about our family.  Many brought tears to my eyes as I was so touched at their remembrance of our family.  Trey loved the party atmosphere on Christmas eve.  We always read the story of Christ’s birth from Luke.  We started years ago letting the youngest child that could read be able to read the story.  Last year, we changed and let my 82-year-old mother read the story.  If it was read this year, I wasn’t in the room.  I stayed at the kitchen table looking at the vacation guide for our trip for next year.  There was laughter though as Julianne came in and screamed – you mean there’s no peanut butter balls!?  We decided to watch Elf when we realized so many had not seen it.  We couldn’t believe it.  And laughter began as those of us who had memorized the movie spoke every line. SANTA!  I KNOW HIM! I KNOW HIM!  Oh Trey was there.

Jay and I came home to put out presents for Collin for Christmas.  Jay had gone that day to get the stocking stuffer candy.  I had held it together so well all day until I was putting the candy in his stocking and I realized Jay bought a bag of York Peppermint Patties and I lost it.  Jay could not even understand what I was saying.  That was Trey’s favorite candy I bought him every year.  He didn’t know.  Honestly, I think it was just time for me to fall apart since I had held it together and had just been teary.

I am so glad that we decided to not do the early breakfast like we traditionally do.  It proved exactly what I thought.  Trey was the one that could never sleep the night of Christmas eve.  He would be the one up at 6 a.m. on the stairs and waking Collin up.  I slept on the couch last night because my head had been hurting and by 9 a.m., Collin still had not stirred.  I finally fed the dogs and began making noise to get him out of bed.  It was a nice morning just me, Jay, and Collin.  My phone was blowing up with texts and I would hear Jay’s ding at the same time.  We would just look at each other and know.  Don’t get me wrong.  We could not have made it through the day without the love and support.

I don’t think some people realize how many people really have been affected by Trey’s passing.  Some don’t know just how much he was loved.  You didn’t have to know Trey to love him.  I guess in the grieving stage, this might be where my anger, or maybe frustration is a better word might come in and CERTAINLY not at my Lord. I am sitting here watching Christmas vacation where he is stuck in the attack and he is watching the old reel to reel movies and I’m just bawling.  There are so many people who I would like to ask, by choice, put your son in front of a bus and step away.  THEN be expected to accept it in love and grace without anger.  That’s why the other day I said on twitter, I think some people just don’t understand.  I pray you never feel the depth of pain and loss we feel.  There are friends that feel the same depth of this grief that our family feels or they would not step out and do so many random acts of kindness to ease our grief and their own.  Like put Christmas lights on our house as a surprise, stop by with food on Christmas eve out of the blue (we sure didn’t have any – I was eating candy), take Collin Christmas shopping for his mom and dad, and so many other things.  These are the people who think of others.  I mentioned the texts.  Today, I got a special text from Cade Peeper.  Cade is the son of Cade and Tara Peeper and Corbin and Quinn’s older brother.  Corbin was one of Trey’s pallbearers.  Cade plays basketball for Ole Miss and is in Hawaii in a basketball tournament.  He sent me a text just to tell me he was thinking about me and that he loves us.  In the paradise that Trey loved, he stopped to think of us and text me.  I fell apart.  His grandfather, Jim Siegfried baptized Trey and was with us all during our West Clinic visits.

This leads me back to the parents.  What I pray for the parents is that they learn to be better parents to their children.  Love your children.  Know that some things just don’t matter.  It just doesn’t matter if the bed isn’t made.  What matters is that you know what your child is doing when you are not around.  Be willing to accept that not all children are perfect.  Trey certainly was not.  Do you know their character?  What does their character say about them?  Are they really who they portray to be – like Jesus – the Christ-child?

On June 29, 2012, a little more than a week before he died, this was Trey’s devotion that I found.  He wrote:

We must:

• Pray in line with God’s will – 1 John 5:14-15
• With the right motives – James 4:3
• With persistence Luke 11:8-10
• With a spirit of humility – Luke 18:14

He wrote – Sometimes we do not need to be reminded of these guidelines.  Sometimes it just takes an increase of faith.  Mark 9:24    THIS IS THE PRECIOUS WISE SON WE LOST.

It has not only been hard on us, but very difficult on Julianne.  Love just doesn’t stop when someone dies.  In some instances, it just grows stronger.  Our heart aches for her.  But she is surrounded by her family and our family with lots of love.

Surrounded by family with lots of love. . .we are.  And some of them are friends that I feel have been part family for years.  I am very thankful this season for these friends.  Proverbs 18:24b “But there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother.”

Thank you to all of you who helped us through this difficult couple of days and who will continue to hold us close in your prayers.  It will not get easier any time soon.  Sometimes is just takes an increase in faith.  Thank you Trey.  I miss you buddy.

I had the opportunity to go on an official visit to Le Bonheur today and take the “Le Bonheur 101 Tour”.  I went as a part of the John Dustin Buckman Charitable Trust and was surrounded by many friends; one, my boss, Joe Duncan, and two, my pastor, Charles Fowler.  Even the LeBonheur officials knew of my situation and when we would go from floor to floor, doctors would console me about my loss.

The first area we went through was the ER.  I looked directly at the seats where the Newman family had been sitting when I came out to tell them that Trey had cancer.  A memory that was so vivid.  My knees just gave way.  I guess someone saw that and Joe asked me if I was okay.  I said I was fine, just fine.

You see, St. Jude wasn’t actually the first to tell us about the cancer.  We knew it was a mass.  We just didn’t know what type.  It was when we got to St. Jude that we regained our hope.  Not that you don’t have hope at Le Bonheur!

We went through surgery and I saw a mother standing next to her child and I heard Dr. Eubanks explain to everyone else how it has been such a big change to let parents now stay with their children until they are fully asleep before their surgery.  I thought back to our time with Trey in the Le Bonheur ER and how we told Trey we would never leave him.  I was with him through every procedure when they put him to sleep.  I even stayed in an entire procedure at West Clinic and never left the room.  That was his last procedure about two weeks before he died.  That is so important to the child.  I’m so glad the physicians realize that.

We went through the neuroscience department and they were testing epileptic children by EEG.  I smelled that glue a mile away.  I’ve had so many EEGs I cannot count.  That’s the first thing they slap on a migraine sufferer are the EEG leads.  I did ask if the glue was still hard to remove from the head when I was a Le Bonheur patient and they told me things had not changed.

At the end of our tour we were able to eat lunch and talk about what we had experienced.  I didn’t really say what I wanted to say as the mother of a former patient, even if Trey was only a patient for a couple of days.  Someone did touch on the fact that when we were walking down the halls you forgot you were on a tour and you realized the families were experiencing real life trauma.  My thought was, and yes, some child will not go home.  Or, a family will go home tonight without their child and they will feel the emptiness and loss of a lifetime.

It doesn’t matter how you decorate a hospital, guide a tour, or have the bigger rooms than the next hospital, if you do not have the latest in patient care and research, it really does not matter.  If I knew of a hospital today doing research on the P16 gene, other than research facilities, I would be in touch with them asking them about their clinical trials.  There is just so much out there that people need to be educated about.  And yes, even patient care services is part of it.  That means knowing how to take care of the sibling once the other sibling has passed.  We have not tapped into that service at St. Jude but I believe it is time to utilize that service with Collin.

Collin is suffering internally.  His grades are suffering.  He does not talk about Trey.  He has a new diagnosis to deal with regarding food allergies and two new medications.  It just boils down to a lot to deal with for a 13 year old.  Why some people aren’t reaching out is beyond me.  I’ll say it again.  I’m 47 years old and this is the most difficult time of my life.  I don’t know how Collin is even functioning.  Basketball season starts soon and we pray that will begin a revival in all things new.

We know that God has a purpose for every child in Le Bonheur.  I just walked down the halls and prayed for the children as I felt like weeping.  I hope during this holiday season you will remember those who are ill and hospitalized.  All it takes is one visit to make someone feel special.

For these children I pray:  “God declares with confidence that things can change— “See, I am doing a new thing!” Isa. 43:19

I can’t find the words to pray
I’m a little down today
Can you help me?
Can you hold me?
I feel a million miles away
And I don’t know what to say
Can ya here me anyway?
What I need is for you to reach out your hand
You have taught me
No matter what you’d understand

Lord move in the way, that I’ve never seen before
Cause there’s a mountain in the way and I’ll knock on the door
I’m drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore
So Lord move (move), or move me.

I’ve look every where to find
A simple peace of mind
I can’t find nothing on my own
So I got to leave myself behind
Take up this cross of mine
Give away everything I hold onto

Lord I know the only way is through this
Lord I know I need you to help me do this

Lord move in the way, that I’ve never seen before
Cause there’s a mountain in the way and I’ll knock on the door
I’m drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore
So Lord move (move), or move me.

Out of this place of complacency
To a place of fellowship with thee
Cause I am weak but Lord you are so strong
And you know it’s been way too long (been way too long)

Lord move in the way, that I’ve never seen before
Cause there’s a mountain in the way and I’ll knock on the door
I’m drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore
So Lord move (move)…

Collin and I were on the way home from church today and the song 10,000 Reasons came on the radio.  Most of the time, I hold it together, sing along, and that’s it.  Today, I decided to just cry and let it go in front of Collin.  I mean heaving crying.  I saw Collin turn to the window and he stopped singing.  At the end of the song, I said out loud, Oh, I miss your brother so much my heart hurts.  I asked Collin, do you miss him sometimes?  He said, yes.  Then, without a word, he helped me get everything out of the car that was mine.  That’s not normal.  Ha ha.  I guess the point to that story is that I feel it is healthy to show emotion and cry in front of Collin.  How else are we going to let him know it’s okay to grieve?

That brings me to yesterday.  Collin has been on the couch all morning and Jay and I got home in the afternoon and I was ready to crash on the couch.  I asked Collin to move from the couch several times and he did not move.  Finally, I got an “ALRIGHT” out of him. Parents, you know how that makes your skin crawl.  I reached to pop that little mouth out of reaction and he got up real fast.  I said, give me your phone and he kept walking.  I said give me your phone and he threw it at me (well, tossed it behind him).  I told him to not plan on asking for his phone anytime soon.  He said he didn’t care.  I walked off fuming.  Little smartie.  He won’t get away with THAT again.  I went to Jay ranting!  Later that evening as we were leaving, Collin said he was sorry and that he had a bad day.  It made me think.  He can have a bad day.  He hasn’t been crying or expressing anything like I have.  I think he is entitled to a bad day.  It reminded me of the scripture.  Ps. 145:8  “The Lord is gracious and merciful; slow to anger and great in lovingkindness.”  SLOW TO ANGER…humm.  That’s a novel concept.  I have my precious Collin who is dealing with so much, so as he walks down a path that none of us have ever walked, slow to anger is the very least he deserves.

Jay and our family cheered at the St. Jude marathon yesterday.  I think there were more people crying that were running that those that were cheering.  It was so very special.  It was the day that Chris Camp, a firefighter, was to push Trey in a wheelchair during the race, but Trey was not there.  Tonight, Chris and his family came over and in a very emotional moment, presented us with his medal that he received from running the marathon in memory of Trey.  He asked if we minded that the firefighters run in memory of Trey from now on.  We said we are honored.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the firefighters are so special.

Collin has had all of his tests and they are normal. No signs of cancer.  But as I have mentioned before, they found Eosinophilic Esophagitis.  This is a disease that the esophagus inflames due to the reaction of allergies to foods.  We had allergy testing done on Thursday and he is allergic to every kind of food you can imagine – milk, egg yolk, soy, wheat, rice, peanut, you name it.  He can have water, beef, and chicken!  The doctor wanted him to go on a diet and Jay and I both said there is no way, so we are going the pill route.  We hope this will help with many things.

So our just a few reasons boil down to one reason this season, Collin.  What are we going to do during Christmas? We don’t know.  Will it be hard the next few weeks? Absolutely.  Am I looking forward to it? Of course not.  I can’t even listen to Christmas music.  But Collin did say he was excited about Christmas.  I wish I had time off to spend with him at Christmas.  Please pray that I can approach work and ask for a day to extend our Christmas together while Jay is off work.

Jay and I might be grieving about one son we have in heaven, but we know we have another son here with us that needs more attention than any one child can be given.  This time is also hard on Trey’s friends.  Our family recognizes that.  We are praying for you.  We all will be together closer to Christmas as I plan a party for our high school youth.  I don’t care what the house looks like, we just need to be together.

There are days when I feel my strength failing and I wish the end would draw near.  That means I would be near to Trey.  But God is not finished with our family yet.  And he’s not finished with Trey.  There are still seeds to plant and gardens to water with God’s word.  That does not change that I miss my buddy more than words can express and just getting out of bed each day is the hardest thing I do.  Once you’ve experienced a loss like this, you will find that sharing God’s word comes very easy.  I am just praying for more opportunities to use Trey’s story for God’s glory.

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore. . .

“The Hurt & The Healer”

Usually, when you think of the first Thanksgiving, it’s with the birth of a child, or your first as a wedded couple.  It might be in your new home with your new dishes.  This was a first for the Erwin family.  Actually, the first to have Thanksgiving at our home.  But I didn’t cook.  I slept all morning, till 2:30.  Collin played video games.  My sisters watched the parade.  Jay worked at the fire department.  Yet everyone felt the heaviness.  The laughter was gone.  Or at least mine was.  It was the first time I actually saw Collin sad.  I would call his name over and over again.  He came down and sat on the stairs and then he went back up to his room.  I went up to Trey’s room where he was watching TV and he was there with his hoodie over his head.  I knew then he was sad and I didn’t make him come downstairs. I am thankful we did not have to travel, Collin and I would not have been able to put those faces on. Thank goodness for Bobby to save the day to have fun with Collin.

One thing I realized late this afternoon was that God is the same.  He never changes. Hebrews 13:8 says, “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.”  As sad as I have been and NOT wanting to say HAPPY THANKSGIVING sarcastically, because I could honestly care less, God still loves me, He feels my pain, and He is the same God who has been holding me as I cry.  I AM thankful He is the same!

Trey loved holidays.  We always played games on Thanksgiving night.  Not tonight.  Everyone was gone from the house by 5 p.m. and the day went back to the way it started.  I am heading back to bed and Collin is going to watch a movie.

I thought about everyone gathering today as families and how they must be celebrating.  Some families welcoming cousins, aunts, grandparents; cooking turkeys, pies; taking naps after gorging on food, but what about the families missing a member or those families who are not getting along with another family member.  Some of this is out of our control and some of it is not.  I can’t imagine any family situation being so hard that you could not reconcile.  As I posted with our last year’s Thanksgiving picture, be thankful because things can change very fast.  Our family dynamic changed in four short months.  You have no earthly idea how much Jay and I would give to hold him just one more time or hear his laughter – or even have him ask us to bring up his laundry so he could obsessively fold it.  After Thanksgiving, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. will drive back to their homes, say what a wonderful holiday it was and probably not see some of the same members of the family again next year.  Just think about that.

Collin had his MRI on Monday at St. Jude.  It was totally clear.  That is what we are thankful for this Thanksgiving.  We have one son that at this point has a clear baseline of tests and a healthy, normal pancreas.  He does have Eosinophilic Esophagitis that St. Jude partnering with other doctors will be handling.  We are glad to have found this.  It is not related to cancer, but we want to make sure we do not do anything to trigger any cancer cells.  We have the most wonderful dr. at St. Jude.  We are crazy about Sara Federico. We will always have to deal with the P16 gene and he will be screened once a year with at least an MRI at St. Jude.  He does have some spots that I want removed.

I urge you to be extra thankful for the ones you love during this holiday season.  Tell them.  Hug them.  Make sure they know.  Tomorrow may be different.  In four months, it might be different.

Col. 3:12-17

¹² Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tender-hearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. ¹³ Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. ¹⁴ Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. ¹⁵ And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.

¹⁶ Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives. Teach and counsel each other with all the wisdom he gives. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts. ¹⁷ And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father.

My Collin…

I haven’t done the “I’m thankful for” because I’ve learned the hard way you need to be thankful all year long and express it also.  Honestly, some of it gets to me because some days I miss Trey sooo much, I’m not thankful.  Oh, My, that might be disrespectful, but I sure don’t want you to walk in my shoes.  That’s a topic for another day.  But today, I will say that I am so thankful for Dr. Scott Kloek who I can text and he called me immediately on his day off, met Jay, Collin, and Cindy Few at the office to look at Collin who had a migraine related to the fentanyl he had from the endoscopy.  Thank you to my best friend Cindy who rushed to get him from school and get him to the doctor! He was feeling much better this morning from the medicine Dr. Kloek gave him! 

OH – And the biopsies were normal, except for his esophagus.  It is Eosinophilic Esophagitis which is an allergy.  If they would have biopsied his colon, this same diagnosis would have shown up there.  Dr. Farooq thinks this might be contributing to his upset stomach sometimes.  He has never been able to eat steak and we would always get on him.  He would say he could not swallow it.  We thought this was just his way of saying he did not like it.  Dr. Farooq confirmed BEFORE getting the biopsy back that is one of the symptoms, not being able to swallow.  Wow.  Here again, listen to your children, especially if they are telling you the same thing over and over again.  This diagnosis can change Collin’s life for the better!

Of course, what we are most excited about is that his pancreas looked good.  A healthy pancreas, praise the Lord!  We know that Collin does not understand everything that is going on.  But I think he understands at this point he’s okay.  The P16 gene is in control somewhat and that is what we pray over.

We will have to undergo an MRI next Monday.  Our schedule was modified so that we will be at St. Jude on Monday for the MRI and he will be put to sleep for it.  We will make sure he will not have fentanyl.  I know that having the MRI and the EUS that he had on Monday will make us all feel better when we get positive results.  Yes, that’s what I am going on, getting positive results.  We have faith that God is hearing our prayers to take care of Collin.  “For nothing will be impossible with God.”  Luke 1:37

We ask that you continue to pray for us as we take one new step each day.  I am praying for many opportunities to share what God has done for us, but at the same time still grieving.  I am SO thankful for our friends that surround us, but yet, I still lean on them heavily.  Thankful for a friend who cleans my house, walks in it nasty, and loves me anyway! I’m still distracted at work and do not know how I get things accomplished, but yet I am very thankful I still have a job.  I am very thankful for St. Jude and what they meant to us with Trey, yet we now are back with Collin as a patient.  Dr. Sara Federico ROCKS!  She’s my friend, my confidant, my sister from another mother, and both of my sons doctor.  How lucky am I!

For I ask this of you.  Think not of yourselves, but think of others and be thankful. Share with others what Christ has done for you.  You might find it easier than you think! – Colossians 3:15 “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful.”

Signed, sleepy, but thankful!  (I went to bed at 7 p.m. last night after a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich.  We are exhausted.)

~Trey, you would have been so proud of Collin.  It took him 10 seconds before he said ouch after they put the IV in.  He did great!  I just don’t want him to have to get use to needles like you did buddy.  I know you were watching after him.  Thankful for brothers and what you taught him even when you were teasing him.  I wish you were here to tease him some more, but I’m thankful that your buddies like Taylor Johnson and J.D. McMillan have come over to play video games with him.  You taught encouragement and God is still reaching through you.  But no more pain, no more pain.  Except my pain.~

Collin made it through the endoscopy just fine. I was able to be with him until he went completely asleep. Of course, since he has never been put to sleep before, he was out with the pre-meds. I got funny pictures of him, like he asked, so he could go back and look at them.

We were sitting the room during the procedure and the lights went out in the hospital. TWICE! They came to check on us and I thought, “Don’t worry about US, I’m worried about my child!” They called from the GI Lab and said they were working off a generator and he was fine. They had to cancel the rest of the surgeries for the day. We were very lucky that they had already started on Collin or he would not have been able to have the procedure done.

Dr. Farooq was in our room within 45 minutes! His pancreas looked great, he said. He took biopsies of his bile duct area, duodenum, stomach, and esophagus. He said that he saw some abnormality in his esophagus and we will know more when the biopsy comes back. The biggest relief was seeing a normal pancreas at this point for a baseline endoscopy.

Our schedule has been changed a little and we will spend all day at St. Jude next Monday when Collin will have his MRI. They will take so many slices (pictures) during the MRI that they will need to put him to sleep for this. We will be there all day and are not scheduled to see Dr. Federico till 5 p.m. and his MRI is at 8 a.m. As they say, not our first rodeo. But we know to take things to do. And definitely know our way around.

Collin wasn’t feeling very well yesterday. It took about four hours to get him awake to the point that they would let us go home after the procedure. His throat was very sore. I got him a large blast from Sonic Monday night and it has taken him two days to eat it. He tried to go to school yesterday and that’s all we asked him to do was try. He ended up coming home around 10:30, which was okay with me. I don’t bounce back after procedures the day after either. He ended up sleeping with me last night, which is VERY rare. We crashed about 8 p.m.

Please continue to pray for Collin as we spend next week at St. Jude. With everything he is facing and dealing with, I personally have decided to not make school something that he hates. He is so down on himself about school because he is not doing well in any of his major subjects. I just want us to get through this year and know that he will bounce back once the enormity of what we have faced has somewhat faded into the back of his mind. I can’t imagine handling everything he is trying to handle at age 13.

One other request, if you do not live in Memphis, you might not have seen the news. Ron Hardin who works in the medicine room at St. Jude had his bag stolen out of his car. Ron collected the bracelets from the kids of St. Jude. Trey gave him one of his Pray for Trey bracelets and it was stolen. I am working on trying to replace some of his bracelets. If you know of someone who has a St. Jude patient with their own bracelet that they could mail to me, please send them to me at 130 N. Court, Memphis, TN 38103. I have told Ron that I will work as best I can to replace as many as I can to help with the memories of the families that invested in his life and all the families HE invested in.

Thank you for being a prayer warrior for my family. Days have been rough lately. I had a very bad day Sunday and all I could do was cry. Jay asked me what triggered it and it was just looking at Trey’s picture and knowing on Monday I was going to walk into a hospital with my baby to go down the path again. I know that God has a purpose and with all things he can turn a situation for good. We just have to be willing to be the open vessel. I have to always remember, I am a sinner saved by grace and that sometimes my mourning can turn to pity and I need to snap out of it! Some days are better than others. Without my husband, I’m telling you, I do not know what I would do without Jay. Some situations like this pull people so far apart. Not us. I’m not saying we don’t have bad days, but he is always there for me for a good hug. I love his hugs. And if there is anything I miss about Trey, it’s his hugs that his daddy taught him. Teach your children how to hug. Even if you are playing around. They will one day give comfort to someone in need and might save them from something that they will never know about.

1 Peter 3:17-18
“For it is better, if God should will it so, that you suffer for doing what is right rather than for doing what is wrong. For Christ also died for sins once for all, the just for the unjust, so that HE might bring us to God, having been put to death in the flesh, but made alive in the spirit. . .”

P.S.  I’m going to post a picture of Jay and Trey.  This is while we were waiting in the Clinic at St. Jude on day.  Some days it can drive you crazy – the waiting.  I think they expressed their feelings very well.  I think I have a right to say this as many times as I like.  I sure miss my boy.  I miss his smile and how he made me laugh and made others smile.  He showed Jesus.